Having a hard time dealing with mom's death

hopeful200 · 06-16-2008, 04:00 PM

Just wanted to share my feelings with you courageous ladies. Mom was diag April 2004 with stage IV, mets to lungs. Very aggressive cancer - had brain mets 1 year later, got WBR, had bone mets, developed skin mets last year, then liver mets. She had been on several chemo regimen, responded to each for a few months, then progressed. Her last 3 regimen she did not respond to, and I think that's when her cancer spread rapidly. She passed away 1 week ago with liver failure, and recurrence of brain mets. I have been looking at this message board and all the ladies doing well on the herceptin-dm1 trial, and I feel so angry at myself that I was not keeping up on the latest research. Had I known about this trial 5 or 6 mos ago, I would have pushed for my mom to get in, and maybe she would still be alive today.

I hope others out there can learn from my mistakes. Please, keep on top of your medical treatments. Do not depend on your oncologist to know all the latest treatments and trials specific to your type of cancer. Maybe if I had taken my mom to a major cancer center, they would have been more aggressive in trying different treatments, "out of the box". I did try to get her into Sloan Kettering early on in her illness, but they did not take her insurance. But, I'm sure if I had really tried, I could have found a way around that.

I am a physician, and because of that I feel that my mom put her trust in me to get her the best treatment, and I feel that I let her down. I will carry this with me for the rest of my life.

Good luck to all you brave ladies. I am rooting for all the new trials, and hope that better, more effective treatments are around the corner.

Thanks for allowing me to share.

A grieving daughter.

Bill · 06-16-2008, 04:14 PM

I am so sorry to hear of your mother's passing. Mere words at a time like this are often of little comfort, but please accept my thoughts and prayers. Sweetheart, I'm sure that you did your absolute best in taking care of your mother. Remember- it was her doctor's responsibility to saty current and research new avenues of treatment. It's important for the patient and family to learn as much as possible, but in real world scenarios, that's sometimes tough. Please don't beat yourself up too much. Sometimes God deals you a hand and you just play it as well as you can. It sounds like you and your Mom fought hard, and long, and well. It was not your fault. It was this dreaded disease's fault, and sometimes, there's just nothing else you can do. It wasn't anything you did or didn't do. Please accept my warm thoughts and prayers for your comfort, Bill

dhealey · 06-16-2008, 05:31 PM

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your mother. Please do not beat yourself up regarding your mother's treatment plan, I agree with Bill, that was up to her onc to deal with. It doesn't matter that you are a physician. I am a nurse and felt like you when my mother died after an eight year battle. I did every thing I knew to get her the help she needed and she still lost the battle. It is this awful disease, knows no boundaries and has no rhyme or reason to it. I hope in the coming weeks you will remember the joy you and her shared over the years and don't dwell on her illness. May you find some peace in the coming months and know that your mother is smiling down at you.

Mary Anne in TX · 06-16-2008, 05:52 PM

Hopeful200, look again at some of the signatures of the mighty warriors on this board. Some with the very best care still continue to get mets and some have lost their battle way too soon like your mom. There is still so much we don't know. Give yourself a break. You did what you thought was best at the time. I had the same experience with my mom who had a 3 1/2 year battle with Progressive Supranuclear Palsy. I did my best, but I beat up on myself so badly for not knowing and doing more.
I'm so very sorry your mom lost her battle so soon. I still miss my mom tons and know you will too. ma

chrisy · 06-16-2008, 06:10 PM

Words mean nothing at a time like this. My heart goes out to you. It sounds like your mom fought hard and was fortunate to have you by her side. I harbor grief and guilt over my mom's passing - if I could have done this, that, been stronger for them maybe things would have been different. But in the end, we are not really in control of these things, ever. Please accept my wishes and prayers for you to be comforted during this difficult time.

Much love
Chris

juanita · 06-16-2008, 08:55 PM

I can only agree with all of what the others have said and add my thoughts and prayers with theirs. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Jackie07 · 06-16-2008, 10:14 PM

Both you and your Mom tried your best. That's what matters most. We are human, and we are programmed to make mistakes - if you have to call them mistakes. I usually just look up to the sky and whisper a little bit, so the one up there can take care of things that I have no control over. I am very, very sorry for your loss. And I thank you for sharing with us. This is a very ugly disease. Let's hope the cure is near.

vickie h · 06-19-2008, 09:18 PM

Please know that you are in my prayers everyday and that I know what you must be going through. Your mother was a brave woman who loved you deeply and I can feel the pain you are going through. There is no love greater than that of a mother and her children.
What a wonderful daughter you are to share your loss with all of us. I wish I could take away some of the anguish you are living through. Instead I can only offer you my love and support and empathy.
I lost my mother 23 years ago, when I was 36. I still think of her everyday.
Much love, Vickie

harrie · 06-19-2008, 11:56 PM

Hopeful,
It is all to easy to feel blame and guilt. I think that is commonly all part of the grieving process. I also lost my mother to cancer and feelings of guilt and regret are part of my ego's way of dealing with the loss. In all reality though, please remember that I am sure you gave much to her in so many ways and it was all based on your love to her. That is more important then anything, I feel. What was meant to be, happened. It is time for letting go and acceptance that all was done as it was suppose to have been done. With this disease, there is most definitely no one perfect way of doing things. There are many choices and many directions.
At this point please try to be grateful that you and her were able to share so many physical yrs together as mother and daughter and had the time to develop your love together.
That is what life is all about and what gives death meaning.
Love and peace to you.
Maryanne

GemmaG · 06-20-2008, 03:56 AM

Hopefull200
I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know that I'm thinking and praying for you. My mom passed away of this terrible disease at age 68 in 1996. THat time, I was hoping that they'll find the cure already.
Don't grieve because she is Home with our Almighty Father.
My love to you

Hopeful · 06-20-2008, 06:26 AM

Hopeful200,

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my own mother April 5, and I understand what you are going through. As others have said in this thread, you can't beat yourself up, and obsess over the "what if's" - we can't go back and rewrite time, and it is not helpful to dwell on it. Instead, focus on all the extraordinary things you did for her. You were a tremendous source of support to her, and I am certain she did not pass blaming you for not doing more - she was probably more grateful to you than you can know for all the love and care you showed her. Now is the time for you to be good to yourself, to work through the greiving process and come out stronger on the other side. It is ok to be angry at the disease, but please, don't be angry at yourself. You and your family will be in my thoughts.

Hopeful

Jean · 06-20-2008, 07:45 AM

Dear Hopeful200,
It is obivious that you are a loving and devoted daughter. Like you I had a very strong loving bond with my Mother and there was nothing I would not do for her. I would move heaven and earth for her to still be with me, but lung cancer came and took her from me.
(not from bc) my mother was a huge smoker in her day.
The point I wish to share with you is that you are a dr.
and your jounrey in life is helping others and saving lives.
Be kind to yourself and remember even you, the loving devoted daughter/who is also a doctor did everything she could do. You do not know if your mother would have been accepted into the trial? Please do not
feel that you could have done more....there is a point where the loving daugher and dr. must accept we are but human. Rest easy in knowing that your mother knew she was well loved and cared for by you. We are NEVER ready to let go of our wonderful Moms. Allow yourself the time it takes to adjust the loss.

Regards,
Jean

SoCalGal · 06-20-2008, 09:24 AM

I am sorry for your tremendous loss. There is never a good time to lose a parent. Even if they could live to be 100 you would not be ready to say good-bye. At least my feelings on that subject.

Another thought from a stage 4 fighter with a daughter (and son)...if I live long enough to see my kids finish college I will be happy. Your mom lived to see you become a doctor. That is pretty special for a parent to see. I am sure she was not disappointed in your care of her case and if anything she must have felt so lucky to have her daughter on her team.

Let go of the guilt. Shoulda-woulda-coulda is a waste of time. Just let it go. I promise you your mom would not want you to add guilt to your grieving. If you are a mom you will understand this to be true. If you are not then believe me when I say mom's do not want their kids to have any kind of pain.

Thanks for posting. Sorry again for your loss.
Blessings-
Flori

Sheila · 06-21-2008, 05:18 AM

Hopefull200
Like so many have said, we are never ready for the loss of a parent....they are our foundation to all that we are. How proud your Mom must have been at what a successful child she raised.....we do all we can, and still experience loss....please remember all the blessings you shared. My deepest sympathy in this loss...your Mom is just a prayer away.