julierene Update: Divorce, Children, Income Problems

julierene · 06-05-2007, 09:40 AM

I decided to delete the post, due to the advice of some of the ladies here. If you want to chat with me more, you can email me at juliereneemail@yahoo.com

I SO APPRECIATE all the words of encouragement!!!!

Susan2 · 06-05-2007, 11:18 AM

I am so sorry about all that you are going through. You are right that your first priorities must be your health and the health of your children.

Wishing for you all the best,
Susan

anne2 · 06-05-2007, 12:58 PM

Julie,

I too am sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. I can just say that there are some real hardships in marriage, but it sounds like your husband does little to support your in this difficult time. I hope that things will get better for you. You need to just think things through to decide what's best for you and your children.
Hugs,
Anne

Shell · 06-05-2007, 01:28 PM

Julie-

You are under such pressure - I hope you are doing OK and are at least feeling OK physically? I am also hopeful there is some counseling where you are staying, so you will have some time to think about your next step, and that of your children. You didn't mention any other family on your side - any chance of their stepping in to help (or comfort)? Take time to consider your options, but don't ignore your health.

Kind regards,

Believe51 · 06-05-2007, 01:40 PM

Hello Friend, Your post was very informative to me and I am so sorry you have all of this going on in your life. There is nothing I can say because I am married to an Angel, but I did have a relationship that I needed to leave in fear for the life of my son(he was not the father). It was one of the hardest things for me to do, but I would have never been able to raise my 3 year old son normal if I stayed. The decision was easy to make, but the action was hard. I think the thing you need to do 'is what you are doing'. No one wants to seperate children from parents, no one wants to leave, but as hard as it was, YOU HAVE GONE TO A SHELTER, that is something to be proud of, with due respect. Please be proud of the fact that you have the strength and power to guide yourself and those beautiful children to a safe, normal life. I know you probally do not feel that way now because living in a shelter has to make you sad, but it will not be forever, Sweetheart. Many women cannot and do not have the strength to do so. I am so sorry that you have this going on when you are fighting a different battle, of course, there is no good time for any of these things to be happening. One day at a time, just like you tell yourself when you are fighting the fight. I will have you in my prayers, I will keep you there special, I will pray for you to get strong and that you find your way. I do not know if my small words of wisdom can help, but it is my way of letting you know that someday, this too shall pass. For now if you have trouble making sense out of this......just look into those little eyes of your children, they will surely remind you of the reasons why. Take care and I hope I gave something back to you today>Waiting For A Miracle>Believe51....(Marie G)

Husband dx 9/06 w/stage IV Inflammatory HER2+ Breast Cancer

CLTann · 06-05-2007, 04:18 PM

I replied last time but the messages were all lost in the Forum computer problem. Anyway, I will repeat on what I wrote.

You have many serious problems. Let us sort them out:

1. Your husband is not able or capable to find work.
2. Your household income (from your work) cannot cover your expenses.
3. You have exceedingly high debts.
4. Most of all, you have serious cancer problem yourself, plus your daughter's cancer problem.
5. Your husband and in-laws cannot be counted on for help.
6. You cannot leave your job.

Solutions:
1. Marriage separation or divorce.
2. Joint custody of three kids.
3. Stay at the subsidized facility and get as much aids as you can.
4. Most importantly, get your cancer problem in control. Get your daughter's cancer problem in control.
5. Keep your job and work as long as you physically can handle.
6. Don't get involved with your husband, or better, ex husband. You are not in a position to help a no-good trash.

I may sound harsh but this is what I have analyzed and made conclusions.

Best luck.

Andrea Barnett Budin · 06-05-2007, 04:59 PM

Julie, RE-READ ANN'S POSTING! Brilliant analytical summary of both the problem and the solution. I second everything Ann wrote. So very sorry for your long sad tale. Ann honed in on the crux of the matter. I say go w/her advice. Focus on yourself, Sarah and your other children. You must forget about your husband and his problems. You must divorce yourself from them, quite literally, in every way imaginable. You have your own matters to attend to and musn't be dragged down by his craziness. Too bad for him. Right now -- it's all about YOU, Sarah and your kids finding health, love and as much peace as you can find! You can't get well if you're filled w/anger, resentment, blame, remorse and all that goes w/the death of a marriage. Somehow you must let that all go and let your love for your children and yourself take control of your life. With my prayers for your SURVIVAL in every sense of the word!!!! Andi

Adriana Mangus · 06-05-2007, 07:35 PM

Andrea: Hope all's well with you.

Do you continue with Herceptin?. If you're now NED, why continue with it?
Is is your choice or your doctor's?

I saw onc today; number went down from 67 to 55, not a huge number but significantly lower than before navelbine addition. A little victory means a lot to me and it keeps me optimistic about the future.

Next time I see him, he will order a Brain MRI, just to make sure everything is ok upstairs.

Doc., still finds hard to believe that my cancer returned, based on my initial diangosis. I guess am one of those "lucky" ones that belongs on that 20% bracket of possible recurrences. Oh well, I guess I needed a "wake-up" call or something? GRATEFUL to be here, nontheless.

Debra · 06-05-2007, 10:18 PM

I have to agree with Ann on this one! She laid it all out and it really sounds like you need to seriously consider those options as hard as they may be. Your husband is not going to change. If he wanted a job, he would have one by now. You can not live like this anymore nor should your children. Will your family help you out in any way?

saleboat · 06-06-2007, 07:06 AM

Julie,

I'm so sorry to hear all that you are going through-- it sounds like one long tough road. Please keep focusing on keeping you and your kids safe and healthy.

Wishing you lots of strength, courage, and good health.

Jen

MJo · 06-06-2007, 07:23 AM

IMHO Public assistance is for people like you -- those who have worked hard all their lives, are willing to work hard again, but need help through a very rough patch. Get all the public assistance you can. I assume you have talked with the American Cancer Society and other cancer assistance programs in your area, as well as state service centers.

As for your husband, and putting aside the fact that he's had to face the pressures of coping with a wife and child with cancer --- I actually identify with him because I have spent a long time trying to figure out who I am. But I have no children depending on me. In fact, knowing myself, I am very glad I have no little ones to care for. Lucky kids have two responsible parents, but one is better than none. You are the one in this family. I think it's okay to still love your Peter Pan husband. But I hope you can wean yourself away from participating in his schemes to make money or find himself, his new career, etc. You don't have to offer him emotional support or encouragement. Your job is to take care of yourself and your kids, because you turned out to be the one capable of doing this, even with cancer. Your husband is ON HIS OWN to make his own way. He is in his mid 30s right? Some men never mature into responsible husbands and fathers, but others mature late. Maybe your hubby is one of these. Maybe when he is 40 he will be more settled, happy with himself, etc. But it's not your job to get him there. It's his job.

Does he do any kind of drugs? Marijuana for instance. That could be one reason for his confusion. Also, domestic violence is non negotiable. I think you did the right thing to involve the police and a domestic violence program. Very smart. YOu also might want to check out books and articles on codependency.

The above are only my opinions. I'm no expert. Keep us posted on how it's going. Take care of your precious health.

Andrea Barnett Budin · 06-06-2007, 11:09 AM

Dr. Pegram says that if you have no physical, psychological or financial reason to go off Herceptin -- stay w/it. Slamon concurred. 3 of my oncs said the same, absolutely. My ev 6 mnth ECHOs show good EF, all good heart-wise. Little drippy nose. Fatigue. But my onc in NY who specializes in nutrition and supplements has me on some new ENERGY boosters that are kicking in. I have flagging Hemoglobin/red bld cells. My old normal was 13-15. My new norm is 12 ish. Then I dip into the low 11s. I feel like a slug. Miserable. Aranesp wd boost that for mnths. Even the 1/2 dosage (250) worked that way. But new rules on that. Must be under 11 to get shot. I know the studies that show scary scenarios re this.

I was on Herceptin wkly from '98 - '01. Then went to triple dose ev 3 wks. It's a party. It's like insulin for a diabetic. It's like bld press meds for those w/such issues. My defective HER2 gene overexpresses and causes radical cell growth = cancer. I had bc dx in '95. Chemo to '96. Mets into liver in '98. I do not want any more mets any where! Herceptin fixes the defective Her2 and keeps it stable. My insur co has not denied coverage. I have met all of Pegram's qualifications for staying on. Actually saw him in Ca in Feb '06 personally, to confirm this. Also saw Slamon, by accident. Gave him a giant hug and thanked him for saving my life. We had a mini party celebrating the gd news. They put me on a UCLA study on Survivors for a yr to try and figure out why I am a success story. Hr long interviews on phone, multiple questionnaires, indepth issues and places to essay, 3X a day swabs for 3 days (checking seratonin levels) -- all 3 X throughout the yr.

I HAVE A QUESTION -- WHEN YOU GET YOUR BRAIN MRI DO YOU GET IT WITH CONTRAST? My doc wrote the script for this but my isur co denied WITH. Said ok to without, if something shows up, then they'll cover WITH. Report says they see no evidence of ca but very difficult to read without contrast! I am very exasperated. Insur co making decisions contrary to top med advice! An outrage!! Any one having issues re this? Please tell me.

Wishing you much success in making your way to wellness. Sending loving, healing energy always to all my Sister Souls... ANDI

julierene · 06-06-2007, 11:25 AM

I am off Herceptin because I am switched to Tykerb/Xeloda. Herceptin was causing low MUGA scans.

Things are going pretty well. I am on the way toward getting a LOT of public assistance and transitional housing as well. Thanks everyone for your wonderful words of encouragement.

Andrea Barnett Budin · 06-06-2007, 11:27 AM

I read ILLNESS IS A TEACHING. At first, I was offended. Surely, I did not wish for myself (or any one!) to get ca. But I read further. We all know the mindbody link goes on all day. The mind sends messages to the body, sometimes the body sends messages to the brain, asking for advice as what to do. If we consciously feed our mind with a dialogue that goes something like -- HEAL, I AM COMMANDING YOU TO HEAL AND BECOME WELL AND FUNCTIONING PROPERLY with a heart full of belief and faith in our ability to heal ourselves -- our body responds.

If we are especially stressed, full of anger, resentment, blame, remorse, great sadness, the inability to forgive, a sense of failure, FEAR, much worry and deep concern for our well-being -- our thoughts and our emotions are filled w/a great deal of negative energy. They evoke negative images to go along with them. They evoke the obvious feelings that come along with such ideas and visions. We become a magnetic field calling or drawing negative energy to us from the Universe.

However, if we consciously CHOOSE to fill our heads w/positive thoughts, desired outcomes vs feared and dreaded outcomes -- we can call miraculous results to us, manifesting our dreams. WHAT WE CONTEMPLATE ALL DAY DETERMINES THE END RESULT, for good or bad. KNOWING this power exists, we must consciously choose to be THE MASTER OF OUR FATE and actively participate is our own wellness, programming our thoughts, rather than living victimized by our thoughts. We have the power within us to take charge of our lives!!!!!

I had to work on the forgiveness thing. It was eating at my core. I couldn't let go. All my life I thought what had occured in my childhood could not be changed and therefore I would always feel sorrow for The Child That Was Me. I grieved for her. Was still angry for her. Wanted apologizes for her. Until I saw that in fact I had the power to live in The Now -- where happiness is. That the lost Soul that verbally abused me had not learned how to control his own rage emotions, brilliant though he was. I began to see him as a lost Soul who had failed. I began to feel compassion for him, more than for myself. My love for him sprung up out of no where and filled my heart. And forgiveness soon followed. I made a big ceremony of forgiving him. I wailed and sobbed and all the repressed emotions and thoughts came up out of my Id, the primal part of our mind that REMEMBERS EVERYTHING, unconsciously -- AS IF IT HAPPENED YESTERDAY. Once I freed myself, I began to live more in joy and serenity, even while fighting the ca and the ravaging side effects of the chemo. People asked me, What am I seeing? My countenance was full of bliss and tranquility.

This is what I which for each of you. Somethings to think long and hard about, I know. I pray there are lessons within this posting that will resonate with you. That you will go within yourself and connect with your True Self, at your very center, your Essence. I call it my Soul or Spirit. Once you align yourself with sacred energy, that fragment of divine energy from your Source, your world changes forever. Once you begin to identify yourself as A RADIANT SPIRIT you will become transformed. You will begin to see the world through the eyes of your Soul and love, kindness, generosity of Spirit, humble gratitude and awe will fill you up to overwhelming. That is what I wish for each one of you with all my heart. Bless your life with such KNOWINGS, please... ANDI

anne2 · 06-06-2007, 11:28 AM

Thanks guys for supporting me. I have to add that I went through something similar not too long ago, but things are improving at my house. Julie don't be afraid to speak your mind. Women gen. want to make all better for everyone else, forgetting that they need to be treated with kidness, dignity and respect also. I hope atleast you feel that from us here.

Anne

Adriana Mangus · 06-06-2007, 12:29 PM

Hi Andi:

I love to read your postings. What energy booster are you taking.
Sometimes I feel tired, am not low on either of those cells but I know the chemo effects make you feel this way. When are you coming to California? I would love to meet you.

Please respond.

StephN · 06-06-2007, 04:54 PM

Daer Julirene -
You ARE a smart cookie, and don't ever listen to anyone who tries to tell you otherwise!!

When you originally posted your problem (the one that got eaten in the hacker fix), I was one who suggested that you minimize your writings or anything that could be used as evidence in your battle. It is just amazing how one's words can be twisted against you and made to stick and fit into some court decision that is not your case really at all.

I just hope that you had saved Sheila's post on how to get the State help with an attorney. She had good advice there.

You will be feeling a lot better soon, as this assistance comes through, and your children get used to the idea of a new life with MOM.

Your husband will just have to learn what responsibility for this separation is HIS. When emotions are running high, it is not easy to see the best way out. Let the professionals guide you. You do have a lot of rights now.

Remember that you are a RESPONDER and let the drugs do their work like I think they can. Take comfort from your little ones and may God's blessings fill your new life.

julierene · 06-21-2007, 10:44 AM

Reading all of these posts was so uplifting for me. In many ways, I feel like such a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I just felt like many of the decisions he was making with finances and not wanting to move back to Texas with me was causing us too many problems.

Latest is that he wants to have a 6 month legal seperation to figure out what he wants to do with his life. He mentioned once that he didn't like the standard "mental cruelty" reason in there and wanted to wait 6 months for "irreconcible difference" to be the reason. Why does he even care?!

Honestly, I don't know how much I trust him. I'm afraid that the courts will look at me with the big bad word of CANCER, and feel that the kids would be better off with their 'dead-beat, sponging off his parents' dad who just coincidentially figured out how to get his life back together during the 6 month seperation.

StephN · 06-21-2007, 11:46 AM

DEar Julierene -

VERY GOOD to see a post from you that things are smoothing out some and - MOST IMPORTANTLY - you are feeling a lightening of your load. Just taking away some of the terrible burden of stress will do wonders for you mentally and physically. (Take it from one who has been there & done that!)

I hope you have a good lawyer who will fight for you. If you have to show that YOU also have some support from family, then I would get them involved ASAP. Your husband sounds manipulative in keeping you in the shelter of HIS family who seem to spoil him a lot.

I think it is possible that your manipulative hubby is playing the "6 months" game to also avoid his obligation to support the kids. He will very likely be one of those dead beat dads who will never come through with his promises. I am sure he does not like the prospect of JAIL for that! He needs to stock groceries or ANYTHING else WHILE he gets his act together, if he really wants to start to get back on track financially! With this in mind, let your lawyer get on with things. You are too nice a person to be very hard on someone, so you need to let others step in and make the law work.

So, sweet lady, keep letting us know that you are getting through this tough time.