Blue Today

vickie h · 02-05-2007, 08:28 PM

Today was one of those blue days for me. I go for another PET scan tomorrow and it felt as if my will to move on is being calmed, almost as if the towel is hitting the floor ever so gently....
I found this poem and cried as I thought of all of you wonderful women, so strong and kind and empathic. It is to you I send this from my heart....
THE SWIM

Into my empty head there come
a cotton beach, a dock wherefrom

I set out, oily and nude
through mist, in chilly solitude.

There was no line, no roof no floor
to tell the water from the air.

Night fog thick as terry cloth
closed me in its fuzzy growth.

I hung my bathrobe on two pegs
I took the lake between my legs.

Invaded and invader, I
went overhead on that flat sky.

Fish twitched beneath me, quick and tame.
In their green zone they sang my name

and in the rythym of the swim
I hummed a two-four-time slow hymn.

I hummed "Abide with me." The beat
rose in the fine thrash of my feet,

rose in the bubbles I put out
slantwise, trailing through my mouth.

My bone drank water; water fell
through all my doors. I was the well

that fed the lake that met my sea
in which I sang "Abide In Me"

Love to you all tonight, vickie

tousled1 · 02-05-2007, 08:52 PM

Vickie,

I know how the blues can hit. Going through tests and then having to wait for the results are very draining. I have to have my next PET/CT scheduled this week and I get very anxious about it. Here's hoping that the results of the test will be good. Please let us know how the test goes. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Sherryg683 · 02-05-2007, 09:27 PM

I go for my PET/Ct next week, I am already having anxiety attacks. I get my results on Valentines Day..it will either be a good one, or miserable. I don't know whether to have my husband make reservations at a nice restaurant or wait and do it the next night. ..here's to good scans for all of us...sherryg683

chrisy · 02-05-2007, 09:49 PM

Vickie,

Thanks for posting. What an interesting poem - I think it bears further reflection, but the imagery of lake, water, drifting was very moving for me.

Joy · 02-06-2007, 09:52 AM

The blues...yeah...they are hard to handle and descend on a lot of us more often that a lot of other people. We have a reason for it, but we also have a lot of stubborness to get us through. I am really hoping you have great results, Vickie.

Tom · 02-06-2007, 10:48 AM

Dear Vicki,

I pray that you get good results from your PET, but if you don't, you will deal with it and move on and do whatever you need to conquer it.

As far as the blues in general, I can only offer simplisitc advice. I have been clinically depressed since the age of 16, and have chosen not to use drugs to treat it. When I get my head buried so far up my you-know-what that I get ring around the collar, I whisper four little words to myself:

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

P.S. The poem was both deep and beautiful

Belinda · 02-06-2007, 01:38 PM

Vicki - I am new to this board, but your poem resonated the blueness that I, like our sisters with bc, am also coming to have an intimate relationship with. Best wishes for your results. And Tom is right - this too shall pass.

B

vickie h · 02-06-2007, 09:04 PM

Thank you all for your wonderful replies. I had my PET/CAT scans done today, but won't have the results for another day at least. Since I have Inflammatory BC, they found skin mets in the chest area and have now taken me off Herceptin for the next 3 weeks because it is no longer working. My Onc wants to start me in a phase II clinical trial with BIBW 2992 ( a Tyrosine Kinase Inhibitor, like Tykerb) in a couple of weeks. I will start a new thread to see if anyone is on this. Again, I can't thank you enough, all of you, for your wonderfully loving support. Much Love, Vickie

vickie h · 02-06-2007, 09:06 PM

Thank you Tom, for your support. Today was much better as I drove down the fog-filled shoreline to Santa Monica. My PET results will be tomorrow, so tonight I will rest and thank God for people like you. Love, Vickie

Joy · 02-06-2007, 09:44 PM

Thanks for the update and message. I'm excited to hear of this trial/new drug. I will think only the best will come of it and not only will you respond well, but that you will help others along the way, after all, I believe that is why we were put here on earth anyway.

P.S. I LOVE that part of California, take in the beautiful scenery for me, kay?

Vanessa · 02-07-2007, 10:54 AM

I hope you get good news from your petscan. I also feel very blue when it is time for my scan, which is coming up at the end of February. I also hope the new drug is successful for you! Keep us posted.

vickie h · 02-07-2007, 11:11 AM

Thank you Vanessa,
I will be sending you good wishes for your upcoming PET scan. I will get my results either today or tomorrow. Hope your day is beautifully rich with love, it's raining here and green and I love being alive. Love, Vickie