Need advise ***unrelated to cancer***

[RhondaH]

As many of you know, I am the single mother of a 5yo son (his father is in "time out" due to selling "non fda approved drugs". Ever since I found out I was pregnant with Tony, I have tried to be the "perfect mother" (read ALL the books, don't drink, smoke or take drugs...except for Phenobarbital for seizures and of course Herceptin; nursed him for the 1st year, used cloth diapers, read to him, would play with him for an hour when I would come home from work, have him on a good schedule, don't spoil him, use appropriate discipline (though have to admit that there were a couple of times that I lost it and spanked him, then apologized when I did it), have exposed him to cultural activities, send him to private school and highly rated daycare, etc etc. Since my father got ill 4/04 and then I was dx 2/05, I have been either too busy caring for or being cared for as well as being immersed in heart issues and now cancer issues (though admit that I've backed off being that I'm at the end of Herceptin and lets face it, other than the prayers, diet, exercise etc that I'm currently doing, theirs nothing else I can do to prevent this from coming back), I haven't been as focused Tony and now am encountering a problem. About 6 months ago, Tony and another male classmate were caught in the bathroom "comparing" private parts. Ok, I know kids are curious, but Tony is always trying to "touch" my moms and my privates. The literature I've read, says to ignore it and we've tried this (to some degree he finds this to be a game), but after a while, it gets to be annoying. Yesterday, when I picked him up from daycare, I found a note in his file that He "touched" Connor's (same little boy) private parts. Paula said she REALLY layed into him as like she says, while I have a call into his pediatrician to talk to him tommorow and she thinks the ped will make nothing of it, at the age of 10 or 12, daycare is REQUIRED to report such stuff. I talked to him last night and AGAIN this morning...now I think I'm nagging him, but I don't want him to have trouble (for NUMEROUS reasons) when he gets older. ***Any advise...PLEASE***

Rhonda

[Ruth]

Rhonda,

I am a Mom of three kids; two boys now the ages of 10 & 12. My younger son around the age of yours was very interested in his privates and everyone else's. I think it is completely normal. He may have an increased interest now just due to an increase in your families awareness of physical self. He probably knows that you had an illness in your breast? I wouldn't be too concerned but just be aware of what he is doing. I had a talk with mine that he could look at himself all he wanted in the privacy of his room but he needed to understand that he wasn't to try to look at anyone else's...this was a persons private areas. Your son is a young little boy just discovering his body in relation to others. Don't worry...it sounds like you are doing the right thing. Sometimes telling a child "NO, NO, NO" makes it more interesting and we all know that kids like to challenge the boundaries at all times! Now my boys are very private and I sometimes miss the innocent streaking days around the house after baths! I am getting close to teenage years and I'm now more worried about them really touching someone!!

Have a great day ~ Ruth

[Vi Schorpp]

Hi Rhonda:

My gut feeling is that it's very natural to be as curious as he is. I remember one of my children being somewhat preoccupied with their own private parts for quite some time, but usually in the bathtub. This child grew out of that! With that said, I would probably try to engage your son in some conversation that might be helpful. For instance, "has anyone ever shown you their private parts?" ....."What is it you are trying to see (for lack of a better term)?"

I'm not sure if this will gain you any information, but it wouldn't hurt. It sounds like you've done everything "right" (whatever that means), and I wouldn't lose too much sleep over this. I'm sure the pediatrician will be helpful, or may have some other suggestions.

On a personal note, I stressed to my kids the fact that other people shouldn't touch them, talked about private parts, etc. Imagine my distress when my 5-year old daughter came home upset from school. She said that the gym teacher touched her. My stomach fell, but I asked her where he touched her. HE PATTED THE TOP OF HER HEAD! Needless to say, we kept reinforcing some of what I was trying to teach her about private parts.

[Lisa]

Rhonda,

My mother loves to tell this story.

When I was your son's age, one day I came running into the house shouting," Mama, Mama! Tony's puppee is different than mine!"

I have no memory of this and can't say it affected me one way or another.
I think Ruth's advice is great.

You've had a tough time. Tony will pick up on some of that, but all in all, give him lots of love and he'll give it back. Teenagerhood will come soon enough.

Love and light,

Lisa

[Sheila]

Rhonda
I too think it is an age thing....being 5 he is discovering...sometimes the more you make of it, the more he'll be interested......I too can remember my son when he was 4 or 5...screaming at me to come to the bathroom...(he would kill me if he knew I was telling this story)...I frantically went in and he said "Mom, I am a magician...I can do magic tricks!!!! I asked him what kind of magic he could do, and he suddenly said "watch this, I can make my peepee grow! " I did not know whether to laugh, cry or run..... so I think you are on the right track....try talking to him about private parts, and to never touch others or let anyone touch his...I think I would be more worried about that in todays world!

Your story is similar to mine with my son. He was caught in school touching a little girl innapropriately... this was at a private school with super conservative parents. When I picked him up that day, the teacher was frantic about what had happened. Word spread immediately throughout the school and the next day my 5 yr old kindergartener was labeled. As I (and my husband) delved into what exactly happened, it so happened that he was bragging to the little girl that he had spiderman underwear and she was bragging she had Dora the Explorer underwear. This prompted him to reach under her skirt and see if she was telling the truth. Nothing more than that!
More often than not, the adults freak out more than needed and the child carries the stigma. We did talk to a counselor just in case and his response was that if the child is "exploring" with children their own age then don't worry about it. However, if the child does anything to another child considerably younger, then seek help/intervention.
Your little boy sounds normal to me.

Maria

[Barbara H.]

Rhonda,
As a teacher and a mother of a son, I agree with all the advice that has been given. It also offers you the opportunity to talk to your son about these issues, acknowledge his curiosity without anger or blame, and give him explicit guidelines in child language for appropiate and inappropriate behavior. His behavior is quite normal for a 5 year old, but you don't want it to continue in a later school setting.

I know we are not suppose to advertise, but since you are raising your child alone, I suggest that you read all the books you can by Mel Levine, MD. They are mostly for the school years and I recommend his books to my parents and use his philosophy in my classroom. He has written a book for kids called "All Kinds of Minds" and my students love it. You can check him out first on the internet and I'm sure your library will have many of his books or can get them for you.

Good luck,
Barbara H.

[Sandy H]

My experience with my son, only to let you know we all have been through it in one form or another. Mine was at a neighbors one evening and the mom unbeknown to me left her 9 year old and my 7 years (boys) in the house while she went jogging! I would not have done it and it never happened again. When she came back they were playing doctor games-her son had his pants off and he was trying to get my son to take his off but he said he didn't want to play. This came from my son as well as the other boys mom. The mom got mad at my son and told him he could never come back to their house because he was bad!!! Then, Dad was called in on it and so he got this being bad from both parents. I did not find out until the next day when mom called me to tell me she had something serious to tell me. My son then spoke up and said, "I knew she was going to call you". I asked him why and he said,"because he did something very bad and could not go back to her house and he could not tell me what he did." I told him I needed to know before I left the house. He told me and started crying and said I couldn't tell his Dad! When I went down to her house it was a bad scene and I was told my son would be gay!!! Well, to make a long story short he never did go back there (he didn't want to), my son was not allowed to have anything to do with her son (but they did ride the same school bus and continued to be friends). Well, it took me a long time to let my son know he did nothing wrong. He is 27 years old and is not gay and if he was I would still love him the same!!! My son is still friendly with her son and he says he thinks he is gay but it doesn't matter with him. So you see it does happen and it doesn't mean your son will not be normal. Not having a Dad to help you with this makes it harder for you but you can handle this with a little help and be find. Thanks for feeling comfortable to share your concern with us. I think you received some good suggestions here and good luck. hugs, Sandy

[Sherryg683]

Same thing happened here, with my son. He was caught several times comparing his "parts" to some of his other little buddies when he was younger. I didn't think too much about it, although one of the parents made a big deal out of it. He's now 17 and totally normal, at least as far as normal is nowadays. Face it, men seem to be obsessed with their penis's. He and his teenage friends are always "mooning" each other and talking about who's got the biggest "tool". It's just gross guy stuff. My son has more girlfriends than you can shake a stick at, so I know he's normal. Sounds to me like your son is going through the motions of being a boy. ....sherryg683

[dawn]

Personally, I think everyone makes a big thing out of a child's natural curious mind. I have a 5 year old son also. He is constantly at his peepee. So I tell him to take it in his bedroom because it is his privates and no one else needs to see it. That it is for him to touch and only him unless there is something wrong and the doctor has to see it. So far he has been great, Oh yes, he still touches it when he's engrossed in a program or movie and for the most part I ignore it, unless it comes out. If this were going on at a later age, I would worry, but at 5 years old, I think it's quite natural.

Good Luck
Dawn