Trouble getting back on track!

[Alice]

I feel a little silly bringing this up knowing some of you are dealling with much more difficult problems.I am scheduled to return to work on Sunday at my previous job.All treatments are done with the exception of hercepton every 3 weeks.I haven't worked for 10 months. I have kept in touch with my employer and some of the staff.Sometimes I feel like I haven't had any time at all and now its time to get back to the grind.There is so much I was hoping to do.When I look back on it I know how sick the treatments made me and I shouldn't feel as though I wasted time but now that I'm going back to work I cant help but feel overwhelmed.
I wish I didn't have to go back to work but my circumstances are such that I do.My mom in law is in an extended care facility and she didn't make any plans for her future when she was working ( who would know she would need it and I would not be able to care for her). This puts an extra burden on us with no siblings to help. That on top of my medical bills is hard to deal with.I have also never had a very high paying job.My education always took a back seat to family needs.Now I am trying to figure out how to increase my earning power so I dont have to work as many hours.I know there are areas where we could cut expences but I was hoping my illness wouldn't make it necessary.
I keep thinking what if I get a recurrance?I don't want to spend my time working. I also dont want to leave my family with a bunch of medical bills or them to have to sell all of what we have worked for just to pay them.I know I shouldn't be thinking this way and I'm sorry to post this with so many positives I should be looking at right now.I just needed to get this off my chest without burdening my family.Any suggestions will help.

WOW I feel much better now.Thanks for being here.

Alice

[StephN]

Hi Alice -
I have an affinity for that name - it's my middle name, my grandma's name and my niece's name.

To your post - I and everyone else here knows what you are talking about! When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was told it would take the better part of the next year for all the surgeries, treatments, etc.
I had NO idea how I would feel or if I would be able to do much of anything.
I knew that I would be seriously hampered and would just have to do what I could and take it a day at a time. A friend of mine told me that it was like a year of her life disappeared into a black hole and it seemed to take about FOUR more years to get on top of her life again.

For me things piled up and projects got left in mid-air. I actually felt better than I thought I would and did well with the radiation with almost no burning. But, it was a struggle to keep up with just the daily life, let alone what was left from BC (before cancer).

Just as I was through the winter holidays and company, etc., my cancer came back with a vengence. That was over 4 years ago. You can imagine that I have projects piled up all over the house, as I still work in my own business and help my hubby in another one.

I had to learn (as well as my husband and whoever else visits our home) that there are reasons for things being out or in piles. I am constantly sorting old files and have boxes of books and things that are always accumulating to go to the "good riddance."

Each day I do what I can and leave the rest. The most important tasks always rise to the top and those get handled. If there is laundry still to fold when I go to bed - it will wait for the next day. Fortunately I don't have kids at home to "do for" and I can see where this could get overwhelming.

If earning money is the priority now, then this is where your energy should focus. We have to learn to spend our precious life energy in the best way we can and not waste too much of it worrying about things we can't take care of. Remember there is only ONE of us and no one can expect more.
Keep your ears open for opportunities and maybe put out the word to some friends that you are looking for more income.

[TriciaK]

Dear Alice, As usual Stephanie's words are very wise. I think all of us on this roller coaster have gone through some of the feelings you both describe. It's like the world suddenly stops for us and all the things of value we thought we needed to be and do are stripped from us. We suddenly don't feel useful anymore; in fact where we were reaching out and giving and valueable, we suddenly feel useless and dependent. I remember when I was first diagnosed I was actively involved in a busy psychological practice with my husband. I was working long hours every day, and we loved the work and that we worked together, often in co-therapy with couples and families. Suddenly I was home, feeling terrible, weak, discouraged, and very useless. I told my oncologist that I felt like nothing I did was of any value anymore. I've never forgotten what he said to me: " You are working harder right now than you have ever worked in your life! " Then he explained to me that fighting to overcome a serious illness is a battle that takes a lot of focus. Healing is important work and takes all that we have at the moment. I am glad that we can share our feelings here and be understood, and that you felt a little better after sharing your feelings! I hope things fall into place a little more as you go back into the world, and that things get easier. It takes a lot of faith to keep on fighting this beast. Remember that you are working really hard just healing, and don't expect as much from yourself as you used to. Let go and let up wherever you can, and let other people help you, inclding others on this site who have been there too. Hugs, Tricia

[Alice]

Dear Steph and Tricia,

Thank you so much for your responces. I feel like I can face the world ahead of me now.Thank you for reminding me to focus on what I can do and let the rest go and to remember it will be there when I get to it.
All this brings a saying back to mind:have the strength to change what you can,leave what you can't, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Thank you all so much, I come to this site often for words of encouragement and am never dissapionted.
Take care, Alice