How can I look more appealing??depressed kat

[al from Canada]

Kat,

Everyone has said it all...especially the part about feeling sexy = attracting sexy husbands. That said, it is also well documented that in most cases, BC will change your sex life.

Here's food for thought, from a male perspective. Remember when you fell in love and everything was a rush? There was so much "ka-bam" back then that I doubt if he would have noticed a missing breast... I know I wouldn't have. You were sexy, not only because you felt sexy (I'm trying to be polite here but think of synonyms for sexy) but also because you were given the permissions to feel that way. Get the ball (yikes) rolling, and get buy-in to go to the next level, which isn't hard to do, (yikes again).

Again, not to be condescending to my male brothers but when you stip away all the layres, walls and posturing; create the setting and his brains will drop down to below his belly button.

How's that for a tactful reply?
Al

[mamacze]

Hi Kat!
I agree with Astrid, sex is a head game. Decide in your head how you want it to be; then get that sexy black night gown ... and do what your head tells you will be fun. You'll find that once you get started your heart will follow and before you know it, you will be feeling like your old self. Sometimes it is that getting started part that is tough. But look at you; gutsy enough to discuss it with us; going after your hubby should be a cinch! (especially with a name like "Kat"!)
love Kim from CT

[Tom]

Dear Kat,

I think that if I didn't have Mom to take care of, I might just take you up on your generous offer. Although the idea of your husband driving us to the airport makes me a littlw squirrely about the plan...lol.

Seriously, I hope things are working out for you and that others are feeling a bit more "frisky" after some consideration of your feelings.

I'm sure that these things are difficult for all involved. I always suggest that they try to imagine themselves in the same situation. It's not easy to visualize, but it can be done. That usually prompts more thoughtfulness on everyone's part.

At any rate, I'm glad you have a place to flop if you're in Paris. Must be nice to know if things don't work out at home...lol

Je te souhaite tout meilleur avec votre sante !

Sincerement,
Tom

[kat in the delta]

Merci beaucoup, Tom!!! ET Toute les monde pour les repondes. Ta Amie, Kat in the delta

[jag]

I F After All You Been Through Your Husband Makes You Feel Unattractive Then He Doesnt Deserve You... To Me Love Is From The Heart...i Would Be Thanking God That I Still Had My Wife After All You And All These Ladies Go Through....and I Would Being Doing All I Could To Help Her.....like Tom I Search Every Day To Find Things To Help My Mom Stay Well....happy....and With Me For Hopefully Many Years To Come.....you Are A Fighter....a Survivour....and Someone Who Should Hold Your Head High....

[Ginagce]

Great answers from the men don't you think? Right on!

I'm a mess right now after bilaterals, chemo, herceptin, arimidex, back surgery, etc. etc. you know the rest.

But you know what, I can feel as sexy as I did before all this crap happened by simply pulling my hair up and putting on a pair of fun earrings!

I know this is a truly superficial response but you know what, sometimes cancer calls for some superficial thinking just to get you through!

I prefer the dangly kind myself! In silver!

Best to you Kat, you are a beautiful woman, we all are!

ginagce

[Ginagce]

And as for your husband, sounds like he doesn't deserve to gaze on your survivor beauty!

[marymary]

Dear Kat:

I know exactly what you're talking about from first-hand experience. I always loved my long, thick hair and always played around with the color; to become bald in a matter of weeks was dispiriting, to say the least. And to think that that was the least of my problems! I immediately invested in the Jennifer, a long auburn wig that made me look about 25, at least I thought so. The problem was, when my hair started growing back I felt sort of like a fraud or a strumpet or something still donning the Jennifer. Also, in summertime the Jennifer tended to be hot, and I mean that in the literal sense, not figuratively speaking. To add insult to injury, when my hair first came in I very closely resembled a French Poodle. Round face surrounded with tight curly little frizzy fried sausages. It wasn't a good look. Finally I took the upper hand and got a good haircut. Things improved hairwise from then on. Sometimes the new growth just needs to be severly pruned. I don't know, maybe your hair is stick straight! Sometimes adding a fun color can lift your spirits. You could always try a temporary color to start with, although temporary dyes aren't good at covering gray.

You know what, I did get lucky and scored a trip to Munich & Paris and that was a great distraction! So maybe you do need to go to the City of Love. Travel is always so life affirming if there's any way you can manage it. I actually ended up travelling to Turkey for 2 and a half months with a dear friend I made at a b/c support group. I am so very happy to have had that experience of a lifetime. We travelled all over the country including eastern Turkey, which is about a four hours walk from Iraq. I figured I was more likely to die from cancer than any perils of travel.

I guess my advice is to just become the woman you have always wanted to be. Cancer is not, in my opinion, a blessing, however, it may embolden you to do things that in the past you would never have even conceived of. Now that's sexy, don't you think?

Also, when I got back from Paris I had reconstructive surgery, a latissimus dorsus, to be exact. Plus I got an implant on the other side.

Well, I didn't mean for this to be a novel. I could go on and on, but I want to go curl up with a novel.

You're right, though, our sexuality takes a huge hit with this disease. This may be the time to pull out all the stops and go for it. Why just this week I put on my makeup, my new pair of white linen pants topped with a pink t-shirt with red lettering and robbins egg blue stillettos and sort of floated into the infusion center. Of course most of the time I schlep around in jeans and tee shirts because life in the suburbs isn't all that glamorous. Sometimes a girl just has to feel special.

Good luck, or should I say bon chance!

Mary

[margaret]

I only have one breast and have been out in the dating world for the past 3 years since I left my husband. I have found men to be very accepting. I know that I am a very loving and affectionate person with or without a left breast. Attitude is so important. If I'm concentrating on how I can show my love to them and how to express my caring to them, then I'm not so concerned on what they're thinking about me. When I'm expressing genuine love for them, they feel that and are loving and generous in return. So it's kind of like ' give and you shall receive'. Kindness, smiles and expressing love are extremely attractive.
I'm 43 and I don't plan on having any reconstruction. I'm proud of my battle wounds. Just like I'm proud of the scar from my c-sections that allowed me to give birth to 2 beautiful children. My mastectomy scar shows that I am a woman of courage who has fought a battle with a life threatening disease and I have learned so much from the process. I hold my head high and know that I am lovable and acceptable exactly how I am. I also like to share with people that I had to lose my left breast so that I was able to open my heart more fully. I was too afraid and shut down in my life before cancer to really express my strong loving heart to others. Now I'm not afraid. No one can hurt me more than I hurt myself by shutting down and hiding my heart. Now I'm ready to take risks. live life fully and express my love as best I can.....
Go for it!
Margaret

[Sheila]

Kat

I think we all have felt this way at one time or another....just wanted to let you know that yesterday when I was getting on my swimsuit, my 5 year old grandaughter walked in...she looked at me, looked to the floor, looked at me, looked down, then proceeded to get down on her hands and knees....I asked her what she was doing and she said" I am looking for your nipple grandma, it fell off, didn't you notice?" It must be somewhere! I laughed until I cried.....she didn't see grandma as abnormal, she just thought I dropped something!

[Mary Anne in TX]

HI Girl!
I find that my self esteem grows in leaps and bounds when I have my needed quota of girlfriend time! Go to lunch with them and have some fun. Don't talk cancer much. Fill them in on the new stuff and then play. Their acceptance and love will lift you up and allow you to use that wonderful problem solver within you to decide how to deal with your husband.
My husband had trouble for a while too. I found that taking responsibility for lifting myself up was the key!
I bought about 10 or 12 of those cheap tank like tops with skinny straps, put in one of those cotton like pads to pretend I wasn't lopsided, got some cute jeans, drew on eyebrows, and dolled up a bit and out I went! I will admit that I "got cute" and went on a few practice runs, just talking to gals in the stores to lift me to the point of going out with my girlfriends! It has made all the difference!
It's hard for the guys. They don't like it. They don't know what to think or do often. And they take their keys from us! Even sick, we are the thermastat in our family's life!
You can do it! Take a step today!
Best wishes!

[CLTann]

For a long while, I have been writing for my wife Ann because I can read the medicl journals better than her, although she is a pharmacist. The current subject is very personal but deserves an open airing from both partners' viewpoints.

I truly love my wife Ann and always accompanied her to all medical appts. I took responsibility in deciding for her to have mastectomy. Therefore, our devotion to each other never had changed, regardless the physical scar that is so obvious to us both. Our relationship in bedroom continues the same. She still huddles in my arms every night.

The important element is the true love and care, which will transcend any handicaps whether physical or emotional.

Of course, no one ever wants to go through the tough journey most of the women in this room have been through. Since the decision of how to tackle the problem was made by both of us, we must face all problems together as a team.

Ann (her husband).

[Erin]

Kat,

I know that I feel very unattractive even though my DH still looks at me the same way, and tells me it doesn't matter. I only had a lumpectomy, but it left my bc breast a good cup size smaller, and with quite a scar. The bald head and "power port" add to the lovely image.

In the back of my mind I think DH is just faking it when he says it doesn't matter...and maybe he is...but so what! No one goes out to have elective surgery to look this way! I don't buy the idea that "it doesn't matter". Of course it matters. We have problems with the way we look, they probably have problems with the way we look too...but they still love us. Our DH's have to deal with thier own feelings too. Maybe yours is struggling with his feelings, even feeling guilty about it.

Now for some practical things that helped me..... I found that if I covered up what was bothering me I felt more sexy. Maybe I'll feel different later, but right now I wear sexy night gowns that also strategically cover the bruised and battered parts of me. It takes a little shopping, but you can find them. I put makeup over the blue area left from the sentinel lymph node procedure and the bruising that lingers from the port insertion. I light candles, which are very flattering to the body image. I am thinking about going out and getting another wig, "just for us". I also find that not talking about bc for a few hours before, and trying to talk about other, more pleasant subjects helps put me in a better mood.

All of that helps me forget about it for a while too....we deserve that. Not to be too direct, but after all we've been though, we deserve great sex! Sometimes I have to remind myself that sex is good for me, and my husband, and our marriage...especially now, when we are both under such stress. It is another way to take good care of yourself.

Best of luck,,, I hope this all smooths out for you :-)

[Jean]

Dear kat,

Please realize that you are not about a breast, you are far more than that.
You are a woman - a woman who has faced a difficult dx and kept going
forward. If your husband lost a arm or leg you would still feel the same
love for him. It's not about body parts....believe me.

Hope you begin to feel better.

Kind Regards,
Jean

[Tricia]

Kat I too, feel unattractive although my Husband says thats my view not his. He has continued to support me in so many ways especially when it comes to the sex part... We had a very wonderful sex life and still do when it happens... Most times I feel very tired and ugly. I see women who have long gorgeous hair and I envy them my husband always loved running his fingers through my hair and sometimes I catch him running his fingers up the back of my neck only to remember that the hair is gone...I simply turn to him and say "it's gone baby" and he will say right back to me..."it will be back". I know it will and thats what keeps me going. I know I will beat this.. we will beat this. Cancer has an uninvited presence in our lives so we have to do everything in our power to show it that it doesnt belong, to continue to live, continue to grow, continue to love. I go bald almost every where my husband thinks I am gorgeous that way and he says its my badge of courage and I have the right to do so. One day recently we were waling in a store hand in hand and we passed by a mirror and I saw the person he was holding hands with and it brought tears to me my eyes.. I just looked up at him and said poor baby have to walk around with this on your arm... he looked down at me with a little hurt look on his face and said "Tricia, you are my wife and I love you and I am very honored to have you on my arm and I don't care what anyone else thinks" I love him so very much I know that he was sent by God to help me battle this evil monster called cancer. Stay positive, I know it's hard to do but we when we take back our lives.


BIG HUGS