Mixed emotions...survivors guilt

[ita]

Oh, Marcia,

If you need help, then I need to be right there with you. "Damaged goods", an "it" (bilat and hyster classifies me well), many times I feel like I didn't have a "bad" enough cancer to give any advice at all. I stay away from forums and return because I cannot turn anywhere else. When I'm in the forums I rarely state my opinion because I have been away for so long. And like you stated I feel like those that have had to deal with advanced disease probably don't want to read my "pity party".
I also dislike the whole "survivor" badge. You are right, we did nothing different that anyone who recurred or worse yet, passed away. Everyday I wait for the other shoe to drop. Everyday I prepare my kids in my own subtle way for mom to not be around. As positive as I believe myself to be, I know that feeling helpless is normal. Sometimes feeling hopeless is too. All I know now is that I cannot control what my DNA can do me. Therefore, I will continue to prepare my kids for a life without mom (be it in the next year or the next 50 years), and live my life still trying to look through my rosed-colored glasses. Because, for me, ignorance is BLISS.
Take good care of yourself. I glad to know myself that we are understood.

Much love,
Ita (gricel)