Progression blues....from the heart

[Believe51]

Oh Ceesun, I wish there was something I could say to take these feelings away from you. What you are feeling are emotions that are all normal. My cancer was not breast nor stage IV and I am sorry to always use Ed as my example. I will though because he lives this and even caregivers have these feelings......

When I think of a cancer cell I envision cell division only at a high speed. I feel these nasty buggers are growing and dividing at an alarming rate on a fast forward setting. Right now Ed and I feel a bit overwhelmed but not quite defeated. Yes, there are many things out there still to try and even the most planned and educated decisions can sometimes not come together. Yesterday we went to see OncoMan and we were planning on another chemo regime to be finalized, but not yet. We will take another petscan and then decide since his tumor markers are elevated but not multiplying at the rate we thought. Should be happy but both of us were not. We feel unprotected right now but even with new chemo, it still might not work.

The best things we can do as a patient or caregiver is to do just as you are doing. You need to have faith in the doctors/facilities involved in your treatment, sometimes calling their decisions. We also try to eat right, stay fit, etc, etc to get well. No one really knows what will work for us even if proven effective for many others. With each reoccurence Ed and I face we feel some doom, some defeat, but it is quickly replaced with hope. Your hope will arrive soon Ceesun, I am sure of this.

I have no more room in this mind to let this doom settle there, but still it comes in the night no matter what. We make our final decisions based on what we have in front of us at the time, Ceesun. The 'What If's' were killing my soul a little each time. I promised not to ever say, "We should of done"....we are doing it, whatever that may be based on "What is". Just like you Lovey. It has taken me a very long time to deal with feelings like this. They surely always come and even the most disciplined mindset has challenges keeping them at bay.

Ceesun, I am going to visualize that the cells that are causing such grief in your days are writhering away. They are not getting the hormones they need to survive. I picture them screaming in pain as this new regime takes its toll on them. With time we will have visual proof that they hate the new regime. These cells know that you are not old friends. They already know you are doing whatever you have to do to abolish them.

Remember what kind of Warrior you are. Think of the faith you have in your 'whole picture' treatment. Reflect about all the knowledge you have that aids in conquering this disease. Your life is not ending Ceesun, not right now Sweetness. This is a bump in the road that you will climb over soon.

Although discouraging, if this chemo does not do what it needs to, another one will. We need to find your magic potion is all. I love you so much and I hurt hearing how sad you are. Try to breathe as heavy as your chest may feel. Do not lose heart Darling, not now after all the hard work you are doing. You are going to find that magic potion and I will be right here to celebrate with you.

You are one big toughie and I am so glad that I am not one of those cells!!>>All My Love>>Believe51