Uncontrolled emotions-

[Louise O'Brien]

Dana - your reactions struck a real chord with me. I find now, as a two year survivor that I'm a lot less predictable than I was a few years ago. I have no idea what's going to trigger a reaction. I'm very aware that I don't handle stress as well as I used to - and I once thrived on stress.

Maybe it's because we had to steel ourselves to get through treatment - and that's why people around us "marvelled" at our attitude. Hey - we just had to do it. How could they ever know what it's like.

But stuff catches up with us sooner or later - at least I'm finding that's the case with me. At some point we have to deal with it and now I often ask myself: "What was that all about?" I felt like I dropped into a huge hole and couldn't get out for two years. I often refer to it as "was that 'before the axe fell' or after???"

So I can understand why an insensitive speech and a seemingly well-meaning hand on the shoulder would
be a major trigger.

They just don't know. They're never going to know. Your reactions were legitimate. We all know that.

Damn - what we do to make other people more comfortable.

Last year - just after I completed chemo but was still on Herceptin - I took an exercise course. I was so happy because I met a group of women who knew nothing of my health history.

No one was dancing around me... wondering what to say. I wasn't getting the usual : "How ARE you?????" - a question asked in fear.

I felt normal. Until the instructor decided to use me as an example because I was so stiff. I couldn't use my right arm very well - I wasn't "loose enough". He'd haul me up to the front to explain why I needed to be looser.

Of course he didn't know. I had a portocath in my right side that was killing me and my shoulder had practically frozen. I couldn't be the "loose" person he wanted me to be.

I nearly snapped when a fellow exerciser yelled out... "C'mon Louise... loosen up..."

So I wrote him an e-mail and explained everything and I was heart-broken.

Because this was the first time since treatment started that I felt like a so-called "normal" person. I enjoyed being anonymous and I had to give it all away.

So it's tough. Your reaction was so understandable.