I'm really scared, can't stop crying

Carolyns · 02-12-2008, 12:22 PM

Havah,

I am sorry that you feel so alone. As the others have said, we all feel this way at times. I am a single parent with a 9-year old son so I must put on a happy face for him but I fall apart regularly. I have sought professional help when I need it. Please find out what resources your cancer center has for you. There is also medication...I use valium on rare occasions when I can not pull myself together. For me, it seems to pass. If I get to a point where these emotions don't pass I will go on antidepressants.

Best wishes, Carolyn

BonnieR · 02-12-2008, 01:01 PM

Havah, I noticed that you posted at 5:50 am. I have found that it is, literally, "always darkest before the dawn". I have had most of my most dire thoughts in those early waking hours.
When I was first diagnosed I thought "well at least now I know what I am going to die from. Other people just don't know their destiny". But now I realize I don't even know THAT! I can get hit by a car tomorrow.
You have been given some really helpful suggestions here. Both practical and emotional. I hope that you no longer feel quite so alone and that you find comfort and support from some of the sources suggested.
Like Suzan, I am a recovering alcoholic and have found that our efforts to live "one day at a time" has been a real gift in this journey.
I know it is hard, but keep the faith.
Bonnie

tousled1 · 02-12-2008, 02:38 PM

Havah,

I feel the fear in your post. We are all afraid and it's perfectly normal to feel that way. I thought I had this dreadful disease beat and WHAM - mets to the lungs and brain! It's difficult to keep a positive attitude and stay strong but somehow we manage to put on a happy face and carry on. I wish I could just reach out to you and give you a big hug and let you have a good cry on my shoulder. I know what keeps me going and that's my one and only grandson. I look at him everyday and tell myself keep fighting. Perhaps an in person support group or even professional counselling would help you. Ask you oncologoist office if they have someone on staff that can help you deal with your fears. I know my oncologist has a physcologist on staff and I'm free to make an appointment with him at any time. I will keep you in my prayers.

Mary Jo · 02-12-2008, 04:41 PM

Dear Havah.....I can't add anymore to what any of these wonderful people posted to you. You have my support as well. I, too, wonder where you live and I wish that I could live close bye so I could come to help you. For now though, I continue to pray for you dear "sister."

Love & peace I pray,

Mary Jo

Lori R · 02-12-2008, 08:16 PM

When I become overwhelmed...you know...that feeling that you are drowning in fear, I come to this location and I......

I come to this site and I read (and reread and reread again) the positive posts of women on this site and the progress that is being made via new trials. The updates of the generous women on this site provide me with hope for new advancements.

I come to this site and I read (and reread and reread again) the posts of women that have been NED for far longer than Dr. ever would have estimated.

Then I leave, encouraged for the moment and make every effort to focus on this second and nothing more.

It is VERY difficult...thank goodness for all the support found here.

Bill · 02-12-2008, 08:58 PM

Hi Havah, the situation you're facing is very daunting, but as many wonderful, strong women here have posted, they have lived for many, many years with liver mets. You have stated, to paraphrase, "but the women posting on this site are the survivors, etc." One very, very important thing to consider, you are very lucky, yes lucky, to be dx'ed with liver mets in 2007 or 2008, versus what alot of these women here have faced, dx'ed in 1995, or 98 or whatever year. I know you're scared, but dammit, we're all scared. Cancer research and treatments have come a long way, and are quickly approaching a point where there will be a cure or at least a chronic maintenance type of approach. You can be one of the survivors posting to the newcomers years from now and telling your story, like someone said earlier. Also, from your post, do you need "pain" support or "plain" support? Your dr. can certainly do better if you're in pain, and like the women here have said, come here anytime for advice, and venting, and let us know where you live, maybe someone is nearby, or can get there to help you. Love and peace to you, Bill

sassy · 02-12-2008, 08:38 PM

Havah,

Please know that you have my support as well as all the others here. I know your diagnosis must be a shock and difficult for you to deal with. I would urge you to find support and help thru your oncologist or another avenue. Counseling and/or medication could be invaluable to you at this time.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Becky · 02-12-2008, 09:03 PM

Dear Havah

Cry all you want to, scream and cry. It is scary and I know I would feel the same way you do. You have gotten good advice here on the board. Now you have to go and do the work of getting back to NED. I am not sure what drugs you have already been on or what supplements you do, exercise?

I will say that from the 3+ years I have been on this board, many of these women have also been here who have battled Stage 4 disease for a long,long time and I truly believe you can too. If they can do it, so can you. I know you can and you will. What is your oncologist doing for you? What chemo will you go on? How confident is your onc? If your onc isn't giving you confidence, change! You need someone who understands and accepts that his job is to get you back to NED and that he needs to do this and keep you well. It can be done. It is his job and if he is giving you vibes that he is not up to the task and that he will fail, he has a huge problem. You know it can be done because Andi, StephN, Irene, Flori and others have done it (sometimes more than once). You will too. Get other opinions. See what others have to say. Get that port put in and get going. You have work to do to get well and you have work to do after you do get well (or you wouldn't want to get well as much as you do).

Let us know all the doctors plans and let us know what you are planning to do when you are NED (vacation? party?). I like vacations best - you don't have to clean your house before or afterwards!