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Have you tried writing about it? Sometimes that helps me. Keep a journal, write what you feel. It feels like grief to me. Denial, anger, resentment. I have a good friend that will listen to me no matter how I feel. She doesn't tell me that I should be thankful for my great results, she just listens. Talking might help you through it. For me, the chemicals are a way to mask my feelings. I don't want to do that except as a last resort. Andi BB keeps telling me that normal as I knew it won't return, and I am finding out that she is right. I think I will always be a little sadder and more aware of my mortality than I was before. How's that song go, "but that was yesterday, and yesterday's gone." Now I try to find joy in my now. I try to do now what I was always putting off until later. Reading is great, as well. I love Anne Lamott, Annie Dillard, Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer. They are not about cancer but I think they are about seeing the sacred in everyday life. A good murder mystery works wonders as well. ; )
There is a poem by Franz Baskett that I love. The name of it is "That Old Washing Machine." The last two lines are:
And life is sweet insistent pain
That lets me know I am alive.
If anyone would like to know the whole poem I will email it privately to you.
Leslie
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In the world of destiny, there are no statistics.
Jan. 26- mammogram and ultrasound- suspicious lump
Mid-February- lumpectomy, infiltrating ductal carcinoma ~4.5 cm and a 1 cm DCIS, did not get clear margins, did not check lymph nodes
ER+/PR+, her2 +++, nuclear grade 3 of 3
February 20-PET scan showed something on liver. No biopsy.
March- Started carboplatin, herceptin, taxol on a four week cycle
May 3- Pet scan, with intent to do a biopsy, found nothing, liver or breast- no biopsy because there is nothing to biopsy
June 21- new onc, very concerned that there had been no biopsy,
June 18th-CAT scan, bone scan-negative
August 7th - Brain MRI-negative
August 9th- mastectomy, all pathology negative
January 2008 still NED! New oncologist -herceptin for full year after chemo- until July, and tamoxifen---negative scans since May '07
July 2008-Finished Herceptin!
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