The Fear Factor
Caroline, I so agreed w/your last posting. We don't realize it as we're doing it, and it takes a "sister" to talk us down. For example, I had a huge pain in my left arm (mastec was on left, in '95, + nerves and muscles cut getting to 18 nodes) that was obsessing my attention. Am I getting lymphodema? Am I having a heart attack? I'd been flue sick for 3 wks. I took a while to realize, my wonderful lifeline Onc's right hand Nurse was leaving. She gave me her home phone #, feeling like she was abandoning me, w/no comment made by me. She couldn't even face me to tell me she was leaving. So I switched to an incoming onc to the Cancer Center that is like my home. Been on Herceptin wkly '98-01, every 3 wks - NOW. Everyone knows me, my name, gives hugs, smiles, chats. This new onc is the one I orig started w/in Boca who had moved, listed as New Yorke Mag's top 100 docs in the country, specializing in BC. I was stressed more than I realized about the change. ANY change throws me, in genl. He hit me w/you need a brain MRI. You need genetic testing. You need colonoscopy. I had heard about BC going to the brain (my very worst nightmare) and was going to ask, but then it came from him. I was frightened of the "tube" and claustrophobia. I was terrified I'd be BRCA 1 and/or 2 Pos. I have 2 daughters and 2 granddaughters. I felt guilt just thinking about the possibility, which is irrational, but so are emotions. I was not my usual optimistic self. I was full of doubt. AND FEAR. I have developed IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) since Taxotere ('98-'99) that has stayed w/me, which in and of itself involves fear of leaving the house and having that urgent need and not getting to a bathroom in time. Another horrific nightmare. When I had my last colonoscopy I was literally in the bathroom for 8 straight hrs. I didn't know the body could hold that much! Talk about new respect for the human body. It's an amazing machine -- powered by the MIND, which means everything you think. Some thoughts are not conscious of course. It took me 6 mnths to become conscious of what was happening to me. I was a mess, whereas I am normally told how strong and brave I am. People tell me I'm their hero. I became a wimp. Even knowing to stay as far from fearful thoughts as possible, as they poison our bodies, alter our body chemistry, hamper our immune system and get us caught up in obsessive thinking that chains us to remain in a cycles of fear, pain, more fear, more pain and on and on.
I don't mean to talk about ME. I am actually thinking about those of us who are full of living scared and lonely. In my 12 yrs of cancer, I had a bad run which I think exemplifies the point I'm trying to make about being on guard to all your fears. Like concentrating on being afraid of your port, when there's probably a lot else going on in your head, unconsciously, that needs to be picked up and experienced and then booted out. Any sentence that begins with I'M JUST AFRAID THAT is one to stop and analyze thoroughly.
You are all so wonderful. I admire your grit, your search for information and your unique ability to support others just like you, just because of this weird bond. I love you all. Sending healing energy... Andi
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