Am I crazy?

bobbiw · 01-22-2007, 03:27 PM

Probably would be considered so by some but....
Anyway at one of my recent infusion appointments I ran into a gal who used to live by us. She had been diagnosed some years back and has recurred-been told that she has 1 1/2 years to live but is marching on with treatment. After she left I had to hold back tears, not sure why dont quite understand the emotions I am having but...
Ran into her again today at the grocery store (it's a small town). This lady is a fighter and she is going to fight with all of her might and for that I applaude her. Left her, got into the car and actually broke into tears. What is it ladies about this person, whom I just know as an ex-neighbor and of course a breast cancer survivor now patient. She is fighting and is not giving up hope, has a good attitude so why do I break into tears when I see her or just think about her? She could very well beat this thing I know that...I know that I am not crying because I feel she has already lost the fight, I know that, I just dont know why I am having these emotions.
She really is the first person (that I do know personally) that has recurred, could that be it? Could it be that her situation makes me-in the way back of my head- think of my own mortality should my cancer return?
Maybe I have stuck my head in the sand this past year because my prognosis this far is very good and maybe I am realizing that it can happen to anyone even me or maybe I am over analyzing it.
She has her treatments the same day each week that I have my Herceptin. I have to pull myself up by the bootstraps here and be supportive of her.....
Thank you for letting me vent/talk.
Bobbi

SusanV · 01-22-2007, 04:10 PM

Bobbi,

I can certainly relate to your story. I always considered myself a self proclaimed "tough -guy" ...before cancer that is. At one of my infusions, I began speaking with a woman about 15 years older than I ...we just so happen to know a few of the same people where she worked. Well...she too was there for a recurrance. She had her teenage daughter with her for support. She was going to loose her hair AGAIN...for the second time in her life. I couldn't get out of there fast enough that day to cry for the injustice of it all...Maybe that is why you cried too. SHe wasn't even talking about her hair, it was just a random thought that stayed with me. It doesn't take much for tears to fall these days for me. The new me is just way more emotional than the old me. I guess I will just have to accept that !

Thinking of you

chrisy · 01-22-2007, 06:14 PM

Bobbi,

You are definitely NOT crazy! Dealing with breast cancer is so traumatic, even if you have a great prognosis. I found my emotions would just come out of nowhere, whack me in the head, and leave me wondering what had just happened that made me cry. For me, it was partly the chemo that made me loopy and largely it was post-traumatic stress - dealing with emotions that got back-burnered while I was needing to be focused on the tasks at hand. Sounds like you are over the hump on your treatments, maybe now your mind is starting to let loose with those emotions.

Seeing your friend experience a recurrence may have hit too close to home and brought your own worst fears to the surface. You are not crazy, you are just processing some pretty powerful emotions which is just part of the process.

Hang in there
chris

Jean · 01-22-2007, 07:07 PM

Bobbi,

I think that after we are dx with bc we have a new awareness and respect of life, how precious and dear it is. Our senses are at a higher level. I also
think it says alot about you that you are able to have such compasion for
another person.

Warm Regards,
Fran

rinaina · 01-22-2007, 08:57 PM

You're not crazy. It is perfectly normal to react with crying when even a remote aquaintance has bad news relating to their particular case of cancer. It reminds us of our own mortality and how dreadful this disease can be. You can just relate a lot better to this being a cancer patient yourself. Just remember though what a fighter she is and let that rub off on you as well. We have to always think positive and never give up.

Marlys · 01-22-2007, 09:35 PM

For what it's worth, I have found myself boohooing over the loss of people on this site even though this is the only place I know them. I also have found that it is a source of great catharsis for me to cry and that it greatly reduces my fears and anxieties about this disease. I know that I will survive and if I don't life has been great and good to me. If this sounds PollyAnnish so be it. I have found peace just from listening to how others here are coping.
Love & prayers,
Marlys