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Re: Thoughts on Emotional Effects
What I try to do, so as not to get sucked back up into the vortex, is recognize/become aware that I am being hijacked by my emotions. That acknowledgement is huge for me. Cause I refuse to be ruled by emotions. Or by my constantly re-circulating thoughts that keep returning to my traumatic events.
I try to re-frame the story I've been telling myself. I get that if I don't, I'll remain stuck in playing the role of victim. As Amy says, thinking itself isn't sufficient. So true.
But I can't keep repeating my tired pathetic old story. Which includes my dismay at how any one could be so self-involved and lacking in compassion, so insensitive and cruel -- and the outrage of it all.
I Know that remaining stuck in unfinished business, and the repercussions of that, holds me hostage/keeps me trapped as the perpetual victim. I have learned to see myself as a survivor. I can look at myself in the mirror and like who I see. Only I can set myself free.
Still grieving over the loss of the child that was me. Still grieving over the betrayal of trust. Time to move on I keep telling myself.
I can't undo the past. I CAN consciously be fully present in the moment. I can plan for better tomorrows. That's where joy is.
So I work at replacing old thinking with new. I won't let my thoughts use me! I am determined to use my thoughts to my advantage.
"When you examine the lives of the most influential people who have ever walked among us, you discover one thread that winds through them all. They have been aligned first with their spiritual nature, and only then with their physical selves."
-Albert Einstein
Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.
Does any of this make sense?
__________________
Andi BB
'95 post-meno dx Invasive LOBULAR w/9cm tumor! YIKES + 2/21 nodes. Clear mammo 10 mnths earlier. Mastec/tram flap reconst/PORT/8 mnths chemo (4Adria/8CMF). Borderline ER/PR. Tamoxifen 2 yrs. Felt BLESSED. I could walk and talk, feed and bathe myself! I KNEW I would survive...
'98 -- multiple mets to liver. HER2+ 80%. ER/PR- Raging, highly aggressive tumors spreading fast. New PORT. 9 mnths Taxotere Fought fire w/fire! Pronounced in cautious remission 5/99. Taxotere weekly for 6 wks, 2 wks off -- for 9 mnths. TALK ABOUT GRUELING! (I believe they've altered that protocol since those days -- sure hope so!!)
+ good old Vit H wkly for 1st 3 yrs, then triple dosage ev 3 wks for 7 yrs more... The "easy" chemo, right?! Not a walk in the park, but not a freight train coming at 'ya either...
Added Herceptin Nov '98 (6 wks after FDA fast-tracked it for met bc). Stayed w/Vit H till July '08! Now I AM FREE! Humbly and eternally grateful for this life-saving drug! NED since '99 and planning on keeping it that way. To hell w/poor prognosis and nasty stats! STOPPED VIT H JULY '08...! REMAIN STABLE... Eternally grateful...Yes is a world & in this world of yes live (skillfully curled) all worlds ... (e e cummings) EVERY DAY I BEAT MY PREVIOUS RECORD FOR # OF CONSECUTIVE DAYS I'VE STAYED ALIVE. Smile KNOWING you too can be a miracle. Up to me and God now...
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Hybrid Mode
