Thoughts on Emotional Effects
 

I learned last Friday that I definitely have lung mets. Lung involvement was suspected ever since my diagnosis in 2011, but I only recently developed a big enough lesion to biopsy. It was a shock (though perhaps it shouldn't have been).

The news hit me hard. Now that I've had a few days to process it, I'm feeling much more like my old self, and I've hit on some insights into what was going on with me.

I think my reaction was out of proportion to the magnitude of the threat, and I think I know why. First the "out of proportion" argument: I already know I have metastatic breast cancer. I've had almost two years to come to terms with that. I thought I had done so. This news isn't really news, exactly. It's just confirming what is, and has been. And, objectively, it isn't especially bad news. I feel fine. I have no symptoms. I have no biological indicators of cancer's effects on my body, other than the newfangled technology that shows us pictures of our innards and lets us wonder about what they mean. Yes, I have stage 4 cancer, but I am, in no sense, anywhere near the end. It's just a little bit of progression.

Cancer itself has had no physical effect on me so far. I have no symptoms, no tumor markers, no organs that aren't behaving properly. Treatment has had some negative effects, but not many. That has made it easy for me to push it to the back of my mind and (mostly) live as if I don't have cancer. So there is probably a little denial at work here.

Having my denial punctured is probably one reason I took this so hard. But there's also emotional baggage from my past.

Because of past trauma, I sometimes experience depression, anxiety, and symptoms of PTSD. Fortunately, I have experienced significant emotional healing. Emotionally, I am healthier now than ever, but having life stretch out its foot unexpectedly to trip me like this opens up old wounds. For awhile, I get sucked back down into the vortex.

PTSD is a wound to the limbic brain. That part of the brain is completely nonverbal. Reactions occur instantly, before the neocortex has a chance to process them. The "reptile brain" insures our survival by instantly putting us into "flight or fight" mode. First there's a surge of fear and anxiety--a response to an intuitively-perceived threat. Then then we use the newer part of our brain to tell ourselves stories about what happened and how we feel about it. That is the link between feelings and thoughts, and it's the key to interrupting the continuous emotional cycling that is characteristic of PTSD (and depression).

For me, climbing back up out of the vortex involves three things. One is recognizing that I've been hijacked by my emotions, and making sure I reframe the story I'm telling myself. The second is to share my story and my feelings with others. We grieve in community, and we heal in community. The third thing is to be patient with myself and cut myself some slack. It takes time. Thinking by itself is insufficient to heal an emotional trauma. (As far as I know, it also doesn't speed up physical healing by itself.)

Thank you all for being one of the most important healing communities in my life.

Peace.

Re: Thoughts on Emotional Effects
 

Always glad to be in your corner, dear friend!

Can't wait to see you on Saturday!
Denise

Re: Thoughts on Emotional Effects
 

amy...thanks for explaining PSTD -this is the best explanation of what happens in the brain I have read.
im sorry about the progression but glad to read you are feeling good

Re: Thoughts on Emotional Effects
 

Amy,

What a great post. Thank you for sharing this information and your thoughts and feelings.

I especially relate to your phase:

"One is recognizing that I've been hijacked by my emotions"

This is probably one of the most difficult self-awareness issues many of have.

Re: Thoughts on Emotional Effects
 

You are a strong Warrior Woman Amy.
A wonderful, insightful post.

May G-d bless you.

all the best
caya

Re: Thoughts on Emotional Effects
 

Amy,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts/experience on this.

"... recognizing that I've been hijacked by my emotions" is an important step. But the emotion itself still needs processing.

I cried like a baby when I was 22 after having my brand new bicycle stolen in a park - the chain lock was cut and the bicycle was gone. I was living with my Oldest Brother's family in the city near the university back then. Oldest Brother kept telling me: "I'll buy you another one!" But I kept crying because I was paralleling the lost of the bicycle with the recent lost of a 'potential' boy friend. I felt like I'd 'blew it' with the same carelessness ...

That was silly, I know (knew). But the emotion still needed processing ... So I cried, I composed, I eventually got over it. (Though I never did buy another bicycle!)

ps. There is something called 'rational therapy' which says 'thinking' does have some effect on healing ...

Re: Thoughts on Emotional Effects
 

The Power of Self-Talk
To make your inner voice a force for success and happiness, says a noted psychologist, substitute accurate, positive thoughts for those false messages of fear.

By Harriet B. Braiker

They say there’s nothing wrong with talking to yourself, but when you start answering back, it’s time to worry. They’re wrong. Talking aloud to yourself in public isn’t a sign of mental health, but holding an internal dialogue is quite normal and very useful.
In fact, inner conversations have a powerful impact on emotional well-being and motivation. Becoming aware of exactly what you are saying to yourself about yourself can help you understand why you react the way you do to events and people in your life. It can also give you a handle on controlling your moods, repeating your successes and short-circuiting your shortcomings.
Positive self-talk can do a lot to give you the confidence that frees you to use your talents to the fullest. If public speaking makes you nervous, use your inner voice to reassure yourself: “You can do it. You’ve done it well before. Why else would the have asked you to do it again?” Behind your nervousness may well be negative thoughts such as: “There are 300 people out there! I’ll never hold their attention.” Since self-talk has a way of becoming self-fulfilling prophecy, uncountered negative thinking can spell trouble. That’s why it’s so important to monitor your inner voice.
But don’t confuse positive self-talk with mindless positive thinking, happy affirmations or, even worse, self-delusion. For example, if I were to tell myself that I’m no good at artistic endeavors, my self-talk would be negative but not flawed. The truth is, I have difficulty drawing a straight line. On the other hand, if I say I can’t do anything right, that would be flawed, overgeneralized thinking. What you want is accurate, logical self-talk. There are times, though, when you start hearing a chorus of negative messages from your inner voice. Then it’s time to correct them by using some of the techniques of cognitive therapy I’ll describe. The key is to recognize the logical flaws and self-sabotaging messages and replace the errors with more rational and appropriate thinking. In high-tech terms, it helps you uncover the bugs in your mental computer (see “10 Cognitive Traps”) and reprogram your mind with better software. Take the case of a 39-year-old mother who has persistent feelings of depression. Her inner voice tells her: “I’m lost. I feel like such a failure. I know I should be more patient with my kids, but they’re such losers. I’ve given up even talking to them. It’s just not fair. My friends’ kids are perfect but mine are a mess and so is my life.” These ruminations are a garbage bag of negatively loaded words and labels (“failure,” “losers); errors in the way she processes information (“My friends’ kids are perfect”); faulty assumptions (“It’s not fair – neither, of course is life), and guilt-inducing expectations (“I should…”).
This mother needs to identify these errors and distortions and develop a more accurate internal dialogue (“I know I’m not a perfect mother, but nobody is perfect. I do the best I can with my kids, and they’re not perfect either. But, if I work on being more patient and communicating better, maybe the problems we’ve been having can worked out”). The revised self-talk improves her mood and motivation, diffuses her anger and directs her toward actions that can address some of her difficulties. This can eventually lead to positive changes in her behavior that will improve her relationship with her family.

Self-Talk Trouble: Three Tip-Offs
Negative self-talk can trip you up any time, but these three common situations are particularly good times to monitor your inner voice for negative thoughts.
When what is happening to you doesn’t jibe with what you expect or predict, flawed self-talk may be the cause. Think of a newly divorced woman who goes to a party expecting men to approach her, with no effort on her part to attract them. When it doesn’t happen, she feels confused, insecure and depressed. If she’d examined her self-talk before the party, she might have realized she was operating on an outmoded idea, “nice women don’t start conversations with strangers, so I should wait for people to come to me.”
It might have been more helpful had her self-talk been more along the lines of “I’m an intelligent, attractive woman. I have plenty of interesting things to talk about. I’ll look for chances to start conversations with the people I meet.”
The next sign that it’s time to check on your self-talk is when you sense in yourself a pattern of negative behavior towards others. For example, a man suspects that he’s falling into a pattern of ignoring orders from his superiors at work, or conveniently “forgetting” meetings he should attend. Listening closely to what he tells himself about his bosses and his work might forestall career stagnation or a firing.
Does he fear his bosses dislike them, envy them – or is he unsure of his own skills? Whatever he hears, it’s time to come up with a more realistic evaluation of what’s happening. He needs to consider his own strengths and figure out the best ways to use them to deal with what’s really bothering him at work and is causing him to avoid dealing with his superiors.
A third signal that it’s time to pay attention to self-talk is a stressful life event or a personal transition of some kind. Because crises often mark turning points, old ways of looking at the world can become obsolete under the new conditions that are changing your life. Take a woman who has been a company’s token woman executive. She’s come to expect not to be listened to or taken seriously by her superiors. If she then moves to an organization that respects women’s abilities and expects them to perform well, she may find that her views about dealing with management need to change – and with them the way she presents herself to others on the job.

Capturing Your Self-Talk
How do you tune into your self-talk to analyze and correct it? Some people seem inherently more aware of their inner conversations than others and have little difficulty mentally “turning up the volume.” One of my patients is notable in this regard. When she was a child, her abusive parents administered both physical punishment and emotional isolation. Now, as an adult, instead of reporting what she’s thinking or feeling the way most people do, the woman self-talks out loud.
In one group session, she answered a question about how she felt after a confrontation with a coworker this way: “Susan [her own name], you don’t have to get your feelings hurt over what this guy did. You’ll be much worse off if you start to cry now, so just keep yourself together.” Susan had apparently learned as a child to rely on her own company and self-talk to comfort her and calm her down. Now accessing it is second nature.
Most people, though, need ways to capture their inner dialogues. There are several techniques that can help. First, at random times throughout the day, ask yourself, “What am I saying to myself right now?” Then, if you can, write down your thoughts along with a few notes about the situation you are in and how you’re feeling. Your goal is to refine your self-talk to make it as accurate as possible. Before you begin, it’s essential to record your self-talk without any censorship.
You can use uncomfortable emotions or moods – such as stress, depression and anxiety – as cues for listening to self-talk. When this happens, identify the feeling as accurately as possible. Then ask yourself, “What was I saying to myself right before I started feelings this way?” or, “What have I been saying to myself since I’ve been feeling this way?”
Situations that you anticipate might be difficult for you are also good times to access your self-talk. Write down a description of the coming event. Then ask yourself, “What am I saying to myself now about the event?” If your thoughts are negative, think how you can use your strengths to turn these disruptive feelings into more positive ones and help make a potentially difficult experience into a success.
It’s useful to compare your self-talk predictions (what you thought would or should happen in a given situation) with what actually took place. If the reality conflicts with your predictions – as it often does when your self-talk is in error – pinpoint where your inner dialogue needs adjustments to fit reality.
You’re bound to have a purely subjective view of your own thoughts. So it’s helpful and often necessary to enlist the help of a sympathetic but objective friend, mate or therapist who is willing to listen, collaborate in the assessment of your experience and help identify the ways your self-talk may be distorted.

Using Your Inner Voice
How you respond to your self-talk makes all the difference. First, remember the positive elements and use them in other situations where your thoughts are negative. For the negative thoughts you’ve uncovered, first identify how they are wrong. Then argue actively with yourself to correct he errors. Construct challenging arguments to your erroneous assumptions and beliefs (“If I’m such an unlikable person, why do my old friends still call me to get together?”).
Next, change your inner dialogue by replacing flawed ways of talking to yourself with better ways. Remember that you’re after accuracy and rationality, not self-hype or excessively positive ideas; such mindless optimism is equally distorted.
Flawed self-talk, by its very nature, is often best captured when you are feeling down on yourself or depressed. Unfortunately, since your bad mood had tilted your thinking this is precisely when you’re least able to be truly objective and rational. So it’s especially valuable at these dark times to adopt the perspective of someone else you feel confident is on your side. Try to look at yourself the way they would and use that perspective to come up with accurate self-talk that fits reality and points you in a new and positive direction.
Since thoughts are fleeting, writing them down as they occur to you will help the process along. Try a triple-column technique to analyze them for errors and construct rational rebuttals: First, divide a sheet of paper into three columns. Then think back to an event that has elicited negative feelings. In the first column, write down your “automatic thoughts” – the samples of uncensored self-talk you’ve gathered.
Next, with the list of flawed thinking as a guide (“10 Cognitive Traps”), scrutinize your thoughts to see if they mirror any of these errors. Note errors in the second column. Last, write a rebuttal for each flawed thought in the third column.
For example, let’s assume you’re upset because you didn’t do as well as you had hoped in a job interview. In the first column, the self-talk you have recorded might read something like, “I always mess important things up this way. I’ll never get that job…. I probably won’t ever get any job. The interviewer just hated me, I could tell. What a bozo I am.”
In the second column you identify various thoughts as errors of over-generalization, or jumping to conclusions, or labeling, and so forth. In the third column, your rational rebuttal might read, “OK, I didn’t do so well in answering a few questions because I was anxious. But I did answer a lot very well.
“Actually, I don’t know the man at all, so I can’t really judge his reaction to me. If I have the opportunity for a second interview, I’ll make sure to add the information I left out. If I don’t, I’ll have learned from the experience and I’ll do better next time.”
This may be a lot of writing, but it’s the best way to get started. You’ll soon be skilled enough to do it in your head without writing it down.

Moving from Talk to Action
The real power of self-talk lies in how it changes behavior. Simply correcting your internal programming will improve your mood, but it won’t do the most important job. The ultimate purpose of examining what is going on inside your head is to change actions that are self-defeating. Thinking correctly does alter your negative moods, but enduring change comes only with modifying your behavior.
If, for example, your self-talk tells you, “I can’t break up this relationship because I can’t stand being alone, even though the relationship is harmful to me,” you’re likely to stay locked in the same unhappy situation. To make your self-talk more accurate, you might say, “I feel anxious about breaking up and facing the idea that I might be alone for awhile. But if I really want to give myself a chance for the kind of relationship that will make me happy, I must let go of the one I’m in.”
Now comes the clincher: To activate the full power of your self-talk, you must follow the path that your new, accurate inner messages point. In the example, you would need to actually terminate your current relationship and, with the aid of further encouraging and supportive self-talk, get back into social situations where you can meet new people and begin forming new relationships.
To find the behavior that goes with your new self-talk, ask yourself these questions: What behavior has my erroneous self-talk generated? How has it hindered me from reaching my goals? What actions does my corrected self-talk suggest? How will my life be better when I change? When and how will I start to change?
Accurate self-talk should enable you to know how your behavior needs to change. And behavior is what counts. As an old proverb advises: “To know but not to act is not to know at all.”

Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D., is a practicing clinical psychologist in Los Angeles and author of Getting Up When You’re Feeling Down, and The Type E Woman (NAL/Signet, 1987).

The Psychology of Self Talk
The methods described in this article – using self-talk to elevate your moods and change your behavior – have their basis in cognitive therapy. The best-known proponents of talking to yourself are psychiatrist Aaron Beck and his colleagues at the University of Pennsylvania, who developed cognitive therapy. David Burns popularized the technique for the treatment of depression in his best-seller, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy.
The guiding tenet of cognitive therapy is that beliefs and thoughts, as represented by your words and assumptions, have the greatest impact on your emotions, behavior and state of mind. So by directly assaulting self-hindering thought, you can profoundly improve your emotional well-being and overall functioning.
In brain-dominance terminology, cognitive therapy is pure left-sided, since it relies on rational, analytical methods. But self-sabotaging self-talk can be attached and corrected from a right-brain perspective as well. Personal Mythology theory provides a symbolic avenue for changing self-talk by focusing on the stories you tell yourself about your place in the world; indeed, about the purpose of life itself.
Contrary to what its name implies, personal mythology does down mean false beliefs. It refers to the sum total of your self-talk statements and how they are integrated into full-blown belief systems. The stories that embody these beliefs – stories derived from larger culture myths – strongly affect how you interpret what happens to you, and therefore how you choose to feel and behave.
Understanding your personal mythology can help you discover how outmoded myths block your personal growth. You learn to revise these myths with new guiding beliefs about who you are, new myths that serve to help you grow toward the goals you seek.
Sam Keen, who writes and conducts seminars on personal mythology (see Psychology Today, December 1988, “The Stories We Live By”), tells us that families create their own myths and rituals just as cultures do. Each member’s place within the family is defined by the stories. But as Keen Points out, the legacy and burden of family myths are not inevitable. Responsibility for them rests on each individual. Unless we become conscious of our personal myths, we risk being dominated by them. We need to reinvent and revise familial stories to fit our changing lives. – H.B.B.

10 Cognitive Traps


1. ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING: You see things in black-or-white categories. If a situation is anything less than perfect, you see it as a total failure.

2. OVERGENERALIZATION: You see a single event as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using the words always or never when you think about it.

3. MENTAL FILTER: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively. One word of criticism erases all the praise you’ve received.

4. DISCOUNTING THE POSITIVE: You reject positive experiences by insisting they “don’t count.” If you do a good job, you tell yourself that anyone could have done as well.

5. JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS: You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion. Two common variations are mind-reading (your arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you) and fortune-telling (you assume and predict that things will turn out badly).

6. MAGNIFICATION: You exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcomings, or you minimize your desirable qualities. This is also called the “binocular trick.”

7. EMOTIONAL REASONING: You assume that your negative emotions reflect the way things really are: “I feel guilty. I must be a rotten person.”

8. “SHOULD” STATEMENTS: You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or expected them to be. Many people try to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if they had to be punished before they could be expected to do anything.

9. LABELING: This is an extreme form of all-or nothing thinking. Instead of saying “I made a mistake,” you attach a negative label to yourself: “I’m a loser.”

10. PERSONALIZATION AND BLAME: You hold yourself personally responsible for events that aren’t entirely under your control.

Re: Thoughts on Emotional Effects
 

Amy, thank you for this. I believe that "taking charge" of our emotional state is so incredibly important. It has been a huge factor in my cancer journey, with the help of a talented therapist and the occasional xanax!

Thanks for breaking it down so well. I recently had something like this because I am switching cancer centers, and going to the new one brought back the trauma I had from my initial diagnosis. I had a lot of unwarranted anxiety, and three weeks later I'm still working on calming myself.

I agree we have to process our emotions, but I think things get more difficult when we let the emotions run us around too much.

But still I'm sorry about your lung mets -- I'm sure they won't stick around long.

Rachael

Re: Thoughts on Emotional Effects
 

Hello all,

I am very passionate about this thread as I do this for a living. I am a clinical psychologist working in a family medicine residency clinic.

Jackie has quoted the works of Aaron Beck most eloquently. The New Mood Therapy by David Burns, MD is another powerful resource.

Albert Ellis is the psychologist who pioneered Rational Emotive Therapy.

I do believe that having my academic background with the access to clinical resources such as these has been the key to my survivial thus far.

I will pass along the research on stress that is being conducted by the University of Chicago. I have corresponded with these researchers who have examined how when exposed to stress the telemers on the DNA strands change. Whereas this study has been conducted with mice, the trials to human studies needed conducted. Also, there is research on the impact of cortisol on breast cancer survival. The only issue with this study is that participants' cortisol was measured after the cancer diagnosis. It would have been most interesting to know those cortisols levels before diagnosis. I asked my PCP to measure my cortisol levels before my diagnosis by 8 months. I knew something was wrong but could not understand why I was so fatigued. Cortisol levels were high but after much testing and consulting with endo could not figure out why. I guess we now know why.

I have researched this subject at length and would be quite happy to pass along the journal articles. I have access to full journals since I work in a hospital but did not know if it was appropriate to share lengthy passages on this site. But since others have begun this sharing I shall pass along what ever information I can to all of you. Be prepared. :)

Take care,

Jackie

Re: Thoughts on Emotional Effects
 

I have to say, well done, Jackie, for your information and Amy I so sorry to hear about the lungs. I read your blog regularly and find your writing compelling and most genuine. I hope that the TDM-1 smacks the cancer down.

Take care,

Jackie

Re: Thoughts on Emotional Effects
 

We love you Amy!!!

Dawn xx

Re: Thoughts on Emotional Effects
 

Amy, such an eloquent and honest post. You thank this community, but I have to say thanks to you, as you continually inspire me. I find your posts calming and grounded.
Marie xx

Re: Thoughts on Emotional Effects
 

Thank you Amy...!
Thank you Jackie 07...!
Thank you Jackie 1102...!
We're all blessed to have you among us. Your contributions are awesome.


Yes, thinking by itself is insufficient to heal an emotional trauma. I know this well. For me it involves listening to my Inner Voice (which I suppose includes self-talk) and blocking the voice in my head from ruining my day and/or my life.

Tricky.


Open to all suggestions. Still a work in progress.


I do believe, as you likely already know, that what we think is precisely where our bodies' get their marching orders. They are very literal. Have no sense of humor. So I do not say: This or that is killing me, I wish I was dead, I just afraid that -- this or that horrible thing is going to happen (I don't want to give my body any ideas I don't fully support) or anything else totally negative and full of fear.


The voice in our heads is the reptile brain, the primal part of us that is full of ego. It whines, complains, is full of blame and critiques.


My Inner Voice is full of unconditional love and eons of wisdom. It gives me strength, courage and belief in my personal empowerment.


Amy, just want to say I am right here, in your corner, rooting you on. You are so wise, I believe in you and your ability to prevail!

With Love and Light,
Andi

Re: Thoughts on Emotional Effects
 

What a wonderful thread.
I am currently working through some very powerful, old emotions that have been hidden for a long time. I am doing this on a very different level. I am finding huge release - physically, I am breathing easier, I am exhausted.
INteresting stuff!

Re: Thoughts on Emotional Effects
 

What I try to do, so as not to get sucked back up into the vortex, is recognize/become aware that I am being hijacked by my emotions. That acknowledgement is huge for me. Cause I refuse to be ruled by emotions. Or by my constantly re-circulating thoughts that keep returning to my traumatic events.

I try to re-frame the story I've been telling myself. I get that if I don't, I'll remain stuck in playing the role of victim. As Amy says, thinking itself isn't sufficient. So true.

But I can't keep repeating my tired pathetic old story. Which includes my dismay at how any one could be so self-involved and lacking in compassion, so insensitive and cruel -- and the outrage of it all.

I Know that remaining stuck in unfinished business, and the repercussions of that, holds me hostage/keeps me trapped as the perpetual victim. I have learned to see myself as a survivor. I can look at myself in the mirror and like who I see. Only I can set myself free.

Still grieving over the loss of the child that was me. Still grieving over the betrayal of trust. Time to move on I keep telling myself.

I can't undo the past. I CAN consciously be fully present in the moment. I can plan for better tomorrows. That's where joy is.

So I work at replacing old thinking with new. I won't let my thoughts use me! I am determined to use my thoughts to my advantage.

"When you examine the lives of the most influential people who have ever walked among us, you discover one thread that winds through them all. They have been aligned first with their spiritual nature, and only then with their physical selves."

-Albert Einstein

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.

Does any of this make sense?

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Mandy--I love your new avatar! That is a great photo.

I try to keep posts brief, because it's exhausting to follow long, long trains of logic. But what I meant by saying that thinking alone doesn't heal us is we have to use all our senses. Techniques like guided imagery, active imagination, communicating with our Inner Child, all involve entering into healing, life-giving narratives. In my experience the most effective ones include sight, sound, smell, touch and taste. Andi's right. It's important how we phrase things, what "instructions" we give our subconscious.

I rely heavily on intellect to power through every obstacle that comes my way. But it's not enough. In order to heal from PTSD we need corrective emotional experiences. In my experience, we can get some of that with journaling, AI, dialoging with the Inner Child, etc. and we should do those things. But we also need to be part of new group narratives--face to face with other human beings.

I'm a theologian, so I tend to gravitate toward religious practices. I am convinced that religious communities and their ways of being together help heal trauma and build new, healthier identities. Of course I mean healthy, functional, life-giving religions and religious communities.

The post was prompted by a visit to my seminary by Rita Nakashima Brock. She is working on a project called Soul Repair, to help returning veterans heal from "moral injury" and return to civilian life. She is Christian, so they are starting with Christian congregations, training people how to help repair souls damaged by war. The amazing thing about that is she is quite opposed to war. I don't see a contradiction. You can work on two levels--to reduce the militarism and state-sponsored violence in the world, and to minister to those most directly affected.

Re: Thoughts on Emotional Effects
 

When I meditate, after breathing in, holding on to that life-affirming air and gently blowing it out of my pursed lips, kissing all that is negative within me (mentally and physically) I say goodbye to it all. I focus. Only on my breathing for a good while till I am not chasing thoughts away. Clearing my head.

Then I go to my special place I saw as a 14 year old in the Catskills. I remember it all so vividly. I can HEAR the birds peeping, chirping, trilling all around this heavenly secret place midst the woods. I FEEL the sunshine and see it glistening on this charming still pond. Tall slender trees surrounded it on one side and were reflected perfectly in the mirror of water. I recall kneeling and running my fingers through the water, it was so inviting. I become utterly transported to that place -- including the elation and tranquility that filled me. When I return to The Now, I am refreshed. As if I'd just actually been there once again.

I don't journal. I have been working on a book for the last 10 years. I so want to share my experience and uplift people facing whatever adversity they are being challenged with. And we each have a turn. Even those who appear to be living perfectly normal lives. You find they have lost a child to some illness, they give themselves infusions every Sunday for hours in order not to have their autoimmune disease make them sick every 8 days, they live alone (divorced for 17 years, w/a dghtr who is bipolar and a son who has borderline personality -- the ex husband was/is a drug addict)...

The sense of community Amy refers to is indeed very healing. I find our community therapeutic.

I have found my spiritual core through my cancer journey and it has enriched my life in ways I can't imagine would have opened to me had I not had to seriously face the potential of my own demise, being separated from those I love most deeply, my beloved family.

As I turned inward, I discovered something miraculous. Not the voice that had nurtured and loved me through my childhood trauma, that I had grown apart from but a new voice I came to see as my Inner Voice. My reading (of Dyer, Zucav, Tolle, Myss, Dossey, Wilbur and many more) led me to a fresh perspective.

I now see this entity as my Inner Voice, guided by my Teachers who the wise authors I mentioned. All that I've read has become truly life-altering for me. I found explanations for the things I KNEW yet couldn't find words to explain. Things that felt odd and made me blanch at sharing with others.

That Inner Voice I am speaking of (as opposed to the voice in our head that is mostly primal, reptile brain, our greatest tormentor and full of fear and negativity)
-- my Inner Voice is my Soul or Spirit offering me unconditional love, compassion, kindness , strength, courage and tenacity.

I have come to believe we are not a mind and a body. We are so much more than that. We are each a Soul or Spirit, with a mind and body. And when I remain connected to that fresh identity I feel a joy and serenity that outshines what I felt on that glorious day in the Catskills.

As I align myself with my Higher Self, I feel my Oneness with All That Is. I KNOW that the Universe has my back, if I stay open to its awesome Love and offer my own to All I encounter. I feel the sweetness of The Present Moment, the beauty of Life, from the root of each blade of grass to the towering azure blue of the sky. We're each a part of it All. We are not apart. Not isolated. Not alone. We are never alone. My Spirit walks with me. I KNOW this.

I pray that each of you come to KNOW this as well. That is the purpose of the book I work on so arduously. It is my song. My legacy to my children, my grandchildren (who were not born when I was first dx) and to all that will listen.

I love your Spirit, Amy. I am most impressed by that woman's work on Soul Repair. We are all soldiers in our private wars I think. Militarism and state-sponsored violence in the world often causes me to grieve and yearn. It is the worst kind of soldiering imaginable.

Yesterday I received an email from a friend. It seems an appropriate moment to share this with you... May it delight you and bring you peace and hope.

Jackie Evancho -To Believe

With Love and Light,
Andi