feeling negative

[Cat]

I need to vent and I can't talk about this to anyone right now. I am feeling down because normally I am thinking positive about the future but all of a sudden my mind is telling me that it is unlikely I will die from anything but cancer. I was married early (I was 20, husband 23) and had kids late (I was 33 and 37 yrs at their adoptions). I am 57 and our kids are 20 and 24. Been married 37 years and feel blessed in so many ways but it's not fair anyway. I think losing Amanda so young has gotten me thinking maybe I've used up my luck and have had a life with struggles but so many good things that maybe I've had my share. I know this is a temporary mood and it will pass but it seems that not only does cancer change our futures and plans but it takes our joy in the future, even if it's only for the time it takes to type this. I don't need to put on a false face for my husband or sister especially but the burden they carry is enough and I just don't want to add to it.
Thank you all for being there and letting me vent. I am on my way back to joy and humor and cooking dinner.
Love, laughter and big hugs to all,
Cathy

['lizbeth]

Cat,

I think losing Amanda is hitting us all pretty hard. You've been through a lot this year. So happy that your recent MRI was good news. We are hoping too that this is just grief for Mandamoo, and it will pass.

Schoonder posted about a trial with
Pictilisib (GDC-0941) and TDM1. You might want to check it out and see if is something you could try when the Phase II opens up.



[Big hug from Southern California]


Hope that you feel better after a nice dinner.

[suzan w]

It is grief for Amanda that we are feeling, as I read the news tonight , I, too feel down and discouraged. It brings up my own grief for the innocence I had before I was dx'd with cancer...that dreaded word. She was too young...we are ALL too young. Cancer robbed me of my peace of mind...made me face my own mortality. I guess I have a bad case of Peter Pan Syndrome...!!!

[Pamelamary]

Cathy, we all have our down days and Amanda's death was a particular blow. But generally we just keep on going, trying not to upset friends and family, because we really don't have any other viable option. A truck might finish me off tomorrow or I might die of cancer, but maybe that's better than the Alzheimer's that afflicts my poor 95 year old father! It is good to be able to vent here though.
Best wishes..... Pam

[Mtngrl]

Cathy,

The great thing about a support group is you can say what you're really thinking, and ask for what you need. I understand what you're saying. I, too, was floored by Amanda's death. It hit me hard.

I'm not saying I'm glad I have cancer, but I am able to see some upside. Both my parents died young, and suddenly. I was 22 when my mother died and 26 when my dad died. At least my kids are all older than 22 (the youngest is turning 25 next month) and they're on notice that I most likely won't achieve a normal life span. I think we appreciate each other more.

That same understanding, for me, means I make different choices about my life than I might have. I really am a better person in some ways--more patient, less likely to get upset about little things, more focused on my spiritual needs and my need for love and companionship.

Still, it's hard sometimes. I can usually just put cancer out of my mind, but last weekend I had to let the sadness and regret have its time in my head. The dark has a claim on me too, and something to teach me, whether I like it or not.

I think everyone here should feel free to vent sometimes. That's what this group is for.

[NEDenise]

Cat,
Thanks for sharing what MANY of us are feeling. Well said, my friend.

I'm praying we'll all find some peace in our souls soon. Constant turmoil and sadness are wearing.
Sending peace your way!
Denise

[KsGal]

I would imagine many of us are having these sort of feelings right now. Losing Amanda is a real shock, and so heartbreaking. Losing Jessica was also a big shock to me. I feel like sometimes we don't get a chance to prepare or brace ourselves...everything just turns around so quick and its such a shock. We have had a lot of loss in a what seems like a short amount of time, and there is just no avoiding the grief losing these wonderful women causes.
We can all get through this together, and we can all support each other. Our positive attitudes will return to us... Lots of prayers and positive energy headed your way.

[linn65]

Venting to others that understand without judgement, guilt or worry is worth more than a word I can come up with.

I have a cyber friend whom I have emailed, watched her documentary and she sent me a chemo tips book. Her name is Ann Murray Paige, and I have never met her in person, but I just love her. She has been fighting cancer for 9 1/2 years and is simply amazing.

I recommend her blog to everyone for inspiration and at the same time keeping it real. Today she is having WBR. She is spunky, spirited, funny sarcastic and she is my hero in the cancer world. I want her to come thru this and be okay, and I don't want to lose her. I don't want her to lose herself!

My point in writing this is cancer sucks! And today might suck but tommorrow is a new day and it takes a village like all of us to pull together on a forum with a common bond that we have never asked for but got. So Cat we got you today and hang tough...

I don't want anymore people to die, have treatments that change the person they are, and I hope and pray that a cure not just NED is in the very near future. But until that day we are blessed to have one another in all the good, bad, positive, negative and anything else that comes along our path !

[Cat]

Wow! Now I am crying again but in a good way. I am so grateful to all of you for your positivity, support and acceptance. And yes today is a new day. We can't control what happens TO us only what we do with it when it happens.
I am in awe of all of you and so so grateful.
Thank you, thank you, thank you
Cathy

[linn65]

Crying and laughing are good for the immune system.....because the Doctor said, and I am one big believer of expressing/relieving both now!! ;).

[Saygoon]

My favorite saying is from an old song "Sometimes a tear has to fall" I just have to remind myself that I can't stay there. I have to get up (and sometimes that in itself is a chore LOL) and move on. I think its great that we have a safe place to say I'm scared, tired, or negative. Talking about it takes the power out of the emotion and reminds us we really do have people that care - even if we have never met them. I have gained a wealth of info from this board and most importantly I no longer feel alone!!!! YEA!!! Hope you feel better

[Lien]

Cancer Sucks. There's no doubt about it. None of us can be positive all the time. Sometimes it's just too much and a small thing can trigger the blues. It is so good to have this group to vent. We all understand. And we all have to go through a tough spot when one of us dies. But we keep putting one foot in front of the other, we keep breathing. And we find a new equilibrium.

Putting my arms around you and giving you a big hug.

Jacqueline

[Cat]

Thank you all again. Your support and knowledge is, as the commercial says, priceless. I have been feeling normal and I have you all to thank. Now if somebody could help me dealing with my parents! Physically and mentally! Haha! Love them dearly but as my kids get older, they seem to get younger! It truly is "the cycle of life".
Love and hugs to all
Cathy

[Aussie Girl]

Thanks to Cat for starting this thread and to all you others for answering.

I have had a few down times in this, my 4th TCH cycle. I think I shed tears each time a neutrophil explodes or something. (I think the white cells are coming back now.)

So I started nagging my 15 year old daughter, who doesn't want to grow up, I think. She lurks in her room and hopes that if she takes long enough to do anything, someone else will get impatient and do what ever needs to be done for her and meals and clean laundry will miraculously appear. She claims to know how to cook and clean and look after herself, but shows little evidence. You know how it is with teenagers. I think I was pretty useless for a while at that age.

Then after the shouting, I go back to my room and burst into tears because it's not really about her current behavior at all. It is about my fear that in a year or three, when she's about to go out in the world and truly needs and is motivated to learn these life skills properly, I might not be around to teach her (or to tell her I told you so).

That stuff is always lurking in the back of your mind. The front of my brain knows that my Stage 2a cancer has a fair chance of cure, but the shadow is still there. For others in this group, the shadow is much bigger or closer or a constant presence.

It's my feeling that the shadow has to come out to the daylight to do its horrid little dance to the sound of our wailing from time to time. When it's finished we can say "Well, nice to see you again, I suppose, but you'll have to go now because I've got better things to do with my time right now."

And today, I watched and laughed at strange Japanese anime cartoons with my daughter and she managed to finish her English essay without being told to and we have peace.

Aussie Girl

[tricia keegan]

Its all been said but just wanted to send you good wishes Cathy. x