Seeing people from the past

[Annemarie]

Now all you ladies are really going to think I am nuts if you don't already. I am 36 yrs. old, in outside sales, married with no children. Cancer struck when I was 31 yrs. of age. This is a very painful subject both my cancer and children. That being said I find that when I run into people from my past I always duck them. I really do not want to hear all of their great "updates". I rarely share my situation with just aquaintances. At business meeting share their pictures of their newborns and I smile and I am gracious. It kills me inside that this is my life and that my husband and I have been so cheated. Can any of you relate to this?

[Alice/Vienna, Austria]

Hi Annemarie!

I also got my Dx when I was 31, I am 33 now, married, no children....
Well, my marriage has turned into a problem since and all of the sudden I know, WHY I didn?t think of having children earlier.... not with my husband... with another man? Well that would have been possible I think but of course no mentioning it right now as I am still doing therapy (herceptin) and then ... a one-breasted woman just doesn?t find a new partner just as easy - not easy when your healthy not easier now I guess...

I myself deal differently though with people "from the past"...
Just got an invitation for a class reunion f.i.: I decided to call and get in touch with some of my former collueges and told them my story. So now I have the feeling, I got some people "on my side" with me at the reunion.
I tend to tell people - also act a "in-touch-person" for a nursing school (I am a RN myself).

Only people "knowing" may be able to understand is my thought....
And they still treat me "normal".
It is part of my life-history, I guess, and I try to live WITH it rather than fight it.
Even if that is hard - but there is illnesses I would not exchange my cancer for....

hope, i could be of help
Alice,Vienna, Austria

[Lisa S.]

I completely agree about feeling cheated! I was 27 when dx and now 33. Have mets to bones, married, no kids. We wanted them very much (I'd take one who am I kidding). We wanted to adopt and even that had to be sidelined. It's the worst when I have to go to a baby shower or send gifts to people's kids. I don't think that is something you ever get over. I know I won't, nor my husband.
I am an RN too. How coincidental! Do you still work? I do, but NOT as an RN!!!!

Lisa

[Merridith]

Hi Annamarie:

Yes, I too can relate to your problem. After many years of trying to find the right person I finally found him. I was trying to get pregnant when I discovered my cancer. And then Voila! Chemo stole my motherhood chance from me. My onc advised me not to try to adopt because of my survival chances....

So no kids for me either.

Do I go to showers? No.
Do I look at the kid photos? No.

This is a concious choice for me. I figure there's no reason to let my nose be rubbed in something I can never ever experience for myself. (But wanted too)

I also find that associating with parents of young children to be pretty well impossible because of my mindset. They are really fixated on only one topic of conversation. My latest solution is to announce that I'm tired (I'm not) and leave immediately. I can feel my mood swing up the second I step out the door. In fact, I've found that solution to be so good for me, that I apply it within about five minutes of a "My junior is so great" or "You'll never guess what my junior did" topic.

I haven't got the time to waste being unhappy. So I skip anything that I think will bother me. It's just like playing skip in school. You can be the never-ender rope turner because you aren't good enough to skip...or you can refuse to turn the rope for everyone else. And spend your time doing other stuff you enjoy.

Take care and enjoy your other choices!

[Annemarie]

Tonight I went to the local pizza place and saw an old gentleman that I knew from years ago when I was a lifeguard at the community pool. He is so lovely. Over the years I know that he lost his wife. I wanted to say hello but I knew he would ask me if I had any children. This question pains me so that I opted to just duck him.

My story is a bit different regarding parenthood. Many people may not agree with this but I believe that I will live my life the same whether or not I have had breast cancer. I think my husband has the right to enjoy parenthood whether or not I live. There are no guarantees that healthy parents are going to survive. My biggest regret would be if I live another 40 yrs. and I do not do the things that I wanted to do because I thought I was going to die. My psychiatrist has encouraged me to think this way. He just stresses that there are no guarantees in life. It would be the last gift to my husband. So we have pursed gestational surrogacy. This is just my point of view and I may be making a huge mistake.

[Merridith]

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. You have made me think. Thanks Annamarie.

Maybe I shouldn't cut myself out of the possibilities yet.

Merridith

[Annemarie]

I think everyone must have hope. My Aunt was orphaned in the 8th grade. My grandparents took her in because she lived in the community and both her parents had died of cancer. She is my namesake. At her birth her parents were in good health, young and no signs of illness. She always told her daughter that to prepare for a life with just Dad since her parents had such short lives she assumed she would. My cousin said at her mother's 45th b-day she was shocked that she was still alive. My aunt never had any health problems but had prepared herself and her children for her death (due to her genetics). I feel she robbed herself and her children of a lot of laughs and happy times thinking this way. By the way she is nearing 70 and has a personal trainer three days a week and walks 5 miles a day. Life is a crap shoot.

[Shannon]

I am 33, just being diagnosed earlier this year... I am not married but I have been with the same guy for 11 years now. We always were "too busy" to make the committment for marriage, oh how things change with cancer.. we also were speaking of having children in a year or so... again the cancer thing. I went to genetic testing to see what the chances were of passing this bug on to a child. THe fact that I have the gene, then my guy's mother past of breast cancer also, the odds are not in my favor. Then I thought how selfish of me to bring a child in this life, not knowing about reoccurances and life expectances... we have spoken of adoption, but really I am focused on getting through treatment then a wedding. I feel your issues. I feel I am very sucessful in life with career, but family I fall short with amongst my many friends.
We are blessed with other things arent we?