Had a great time tonight and now I'm sad

Faith in Him · 08-18-2007, 11:35 PM

I am still learning about this disease. I have lived with it for only seven months and sometimes events take me by complete surprise. Like this evening. I am out with family at a wonderful restuarant, having a great time and life is great. Then I come home and it is a complete let down. I get depressed and sad wondering how many more wonderful times there will be. I wish I could live carefree again not doubting that I will have a long future to enjoy many, many more moments like this. I guess we all wish for that.

Just trying to come to terms with my new life

hutchibk · 08-18-2007, 11:43 PM

I know all of us here completely understand and experience exactly what you describe... Just keep voicing it when you feel it, that way it won't weigh too heavy on you for very long. We all need to keep talking about it. We are here for you. It's the reality of our new lives...

Mary Anne in TX · 08-19-2007, 04:54 AM

I totally relate to what you said! But after 20 months, I have found that I have a real advantage over life before! I really do know how precious the minutes are! I make more time for my grandkids and do the things that will give them good memories. I tell people I love them more often. I give more hugs. I make more phone calls to encourage people. I've given things away that encumbered my life! I'm getting free! As the news came that Dean might hit the Corpus area on the coast of Texas (we're just minutes away), I began to pack my "precious" belongings! We have our granddaughter so she was packing too! I drive a smallish car, and we got it all in...the precious things, I mean! My mom's bible, my grandmother's "Streams in the Desert" with all the family info, my great, great (lots of greats) granddaddy's Civil War Sword, my first bible, and of course some pictures. I was amazed at how little I really picked!
A friend told me recently that she has seen that I am giving much away! It's not because I think my death is near! I'm like the rest of these warriors, I plan to stick around a good long time to watch the results of so much research work it's magic! But things rob me of freedom!
Your pain is understandable and it does creep in on me sometimes. But it no longer stays. I know that with this bc monster came an incredible gift of appreciation of what I have and the freedom to live my life simply and fully!
Best wishes and please know that we are all cheering for you and here to listen when you need us. These are very caring and wise warriors on this board! ma

Cheryl44 · 08-19-2007, 07:34 AM

Hi Faith in Him (I am sorry I don't know your name)

I can't believe how well Mary Anne stated it all! I was diagnosed 2/7 so we are going through it at about the same rate.

I too have the same feelings sometimes, how many birthdays will I get to celebrate with my kids? I always say a quick prayer when these feelings crop up. "Lord I pray that you will let me live to love my grandchildren." And the feeling goes away. (My kids are 15, 13 & 10) Whispering prayers throughout the day help me as I know they help you as well by your name "Faith in Him" You know...that says it all right there.

Just claim that there will be many, many more happy times to come!

Hugs to you,
Cheryl

Jean · 08-19-2007, 09:12 AM

It is only natural to have those feelings...we are now a very special group.
We know and understand how precious each & every moment is. How lucky we are to be so aware of the beauty of each hour. To really know to enjoy the days and not "Sweat the small Stuff" ! We now have obtained an acute and sharp awarness of life, love and what is truly important.

After I was first dx. I was in a total state of fear thinking that I would not
live to see my grandchildren etc. - I mentioned this to my sister who has seven beautiful grandchildren. She answered me with "Everyone is fragile
and that she could get hit by a bus tomorrow." I told her you don't understand, "I can see the license plate of the bus." That is exactly the way I felt! Those feelings do pass and it does get better. Each day
brings new courage.

This monster disease takes so much - do not allow it or should I say
give it permission to steal the wonderful days we have. Embrace each
day with those you love and enjoy every second. Hopefully you will
find that it comes natural (like Mary Anne stated so well).

I hope you gain some peace and know that you can always reach out to us, we understand and will always support you.

Hugs,
Jean

LAURIE · 08-19-2007, 09:31 AM

It's sad that we have to think this way, but it does give a different perspective on life that others don't have. Thank you for expressing your feelings and emotions. It is nice to know we are not alone in our thoughts, isn't it.

Mary Jo · 08-19-2007, 09:32 AM

Good Morning Faith In Him,

As Brenda said, "we can all relate." We sure can. Once you've heard the words "you have cancer" you will never be the same. BUT, as time goes on you will find it's not all bad.

Trust me in this. I am a little over 2 years past diagnosis and although I still have my "struggle" days they are far less than they were. As Mary Anne said, (in a nutshell) much is learned on this journey. We have all been given that second chance to live our lives to the fullest. We have the opportunity to say the things we want to say. To do the things we want to do. Very well said, Mary Anne.

I totally understand where you are............as do all the rest of us. A cancer diagnosis is wayyyyyyyyyyy more than a physical thing. That part is easy in my opinion. It's the psychological aspect that is the hardest to deal with.

Sending hugs. Sending love AND sending a prayer for the loving arms of our Lord to hold you this day.

Love from a "sister" on the journey,

Mary Jo
Romans 8:28

Andrea Barnett Budin · 08-19-2007, 11:38 AM

Dear "Faith",

I too understand completely. 12 yrs after initial dx, I still have my moments as you describe. If you just reread Mary Ann's post, you will be reading the words in my heart. I hug more. I say I love you more. I hear I love you more (the energy is contagious). I treasure each day and every relationship. I no longer wonder if I will live to see my baby granddaughter fit into the 1 yr old sized dress I had to buy and that was the smallest size they had. I did live to see her in it, and w/some tears, I rejoiced. Josie is now almost 11! And I have four other grandchildren I never even expected.

I'd be at dinner in a restaurant and look around and see everyone talking and laughing and think they had no idea what I was going through, what facing death is all about. As Jean so fabulously put it -- I can see the license plate on that proverbial bus that could hit any one of us at any time. Twelve of my dearest friends and their spouses stood around my hospital bed after my mastectomy in '95. My husband is 7 years older than me and most of my friends are older as well. A few times, 100 yrs ago, before bc, I would be gathered w/these friends and think (as the baby of the group) am I going to have to go to all their funerals and lose them one by one? Then, there I was -- w/4th stage bc! From the hospital bed I looked around and thought -- the first one to go could be me. Then I let that fear go and flooded my entire being with the joy of being alive. I wish everyone that special joy, cherishing what they have midst the very real possibility of losing it. Living as if this were your last day on earth. It's truly a blessing, not a sorrowful reality, as I have quickly grown to view it.

And some of those friends that stood around my bed in '95 have passed on, have been diagnosed with all kinds of cancers, had heart surgery and other surgeries. I do not focus on the fragility of Life nor my vulnerability, but rather choose to embrace those I love and the gift of each day. I meditate, I pray, I connect with my Spirit -- and I become One with the Universe. I live with a bliss and serenity that was unattainable before cancer. I have grown and evolved and had a wondrous Spiritual unfolding that came *from* the cancer experience and the fright that naturally accompanied it. But I have decided -- I REFUSE TO ALLOW FEAR-DRIVEN CONCEPTS TO MAIPULATE ME AND PLAY GAMES WITH MY LIFE AND WELL-BEING. I WILL NOT GIVE MY POWER AWAY TO ANY ONE OR ANY THING. I WILL NOT ALLOW A SINGLE MOMENT OF A SINGLE HOUR TO BE STOLEN FROM ME, LOST TO SADNESS OR FEAR. I can see the license plate on the bus, then I see it skid and veer out of my way! I see it in vivid detail. In the end -- the heroine lives, Faith. Hold that image and these thoughts close.

Sending you loving energy and belief in your powers to control your thoughts and visions, and to call your desired destiny to you. Such jubilant energy attracts LIKE energy to its' source, in accordance with Universal Law. Don't send out negative energy. Signal what you believe is coming your way. Become the master of your fate. Smile, and put your arms around what you dearly want, versus what you fear.

Andi

PinkGirl · 08-19-2007, 12:08 PM

Hi Faith
As you've already heard, we all relate to and know exactly what you are feeling. It is the "new normal" that everyone talks about. It's okay to feel sad and have those moments like you did after your evening out. You will have those kinds of days and you will have good days. Last week a good friend of mine learned that her mets were growing and she has to go back on chemo - probably the freight train Taxol. We decided to celebrate that she and I are still here now, so we toasted ourselves with Pepsi in crystal wine glasses and laughed like fools! Whatever you are feeling is okay and you are definitely understood by everyone here.

TriciaK · 08-19-2007, 05:28 PM

Dear "Faith", What wonderful words of wisdom you have heard from your fellow Amazon warriors! And it is all so very true. It's very possible that there was at least one person in that cafe that night who had only a few days to live and didn't know it, and didn't appreciate the good experience of that night out. It is a blessing we have now to be conscious of every experience and to be able to value those special moments, even the every day ones, more than someone who is totally unaware of the value of living every day to the fullest. I've lived with BC for 22 years, have been stage 4 for about 16 years now, and at age 77 there is more than one bus to watch out for!---but there is so much joy in life and I am fully appreciative of every one and everything special to me. I hope you will save the wonderful messages you received from these sisters who truly understand and empathise. Read them often. Don't ever hesitate to post in good or bad times---we're here for you! Our thoughts and prayers are with you. And as I've said before: Faith and fear cannot exist at the same time---choose faith and the fear has to go. Hugs, Tricia

VaMoonRise · 08-19-2007, 06:41 PM

I agree with what every warrior sister has said, some beautiful and inspiring posts by the way ladies. There isn't too much I can add that hasn't already been said.

When I was first diagnosed as stage "4" I was so angry. I had done everything right as far as being proactive and having mammograms done every six months for a year and half after having been diagnosed with DCIS stage "0" with only microcalcifications in 2004. How could I possibly go from stage "0" to stage "4" in just a year and a half? It didn't make sense to me and I wanted so badly to blame someone. I still have moments where I get angry about it but they are few and far between and only when I am at my most vulnerable now. My biggest fears aren't for myself but for my loved ones, because I know that it isn't the ones who leave us who suffer, but the ones who are left behind who suffer the most. I try not to dwell on that too much and when I just can't help myself I pray and I feel God's reassurance that He will take care of them and that they will be okay.

As crazy as it sounds my life has been so enriched and become so much fuller since having metastatic breast cancer. Every morning that I awake I am grateful for. I say a little prayer of thanks for the gift of today before my feet hit the floor. My personal relationships are much more meaningful and intimate, so many amazingly wonderful people have come into my life that otherwise wouldn't have, my relationship with God and Christ has become so much closer, richer and deeper than I ever dreamed possible for myself, I have recently found a church that I love and that makes me feel like I am apart of a family, my appreciation for nature, that has always been great has become even more profound, my love for myself has grown deeper. I could go on and on but basically cancer has enriched my life to a level that it had never been at before and for that I am grateful.

I love what Andy wrote when she said:

I REFUSE TO ALLOW FEAR-DRIVEN CONCEPTS TO MANIPULATE ME AND PLAY GAMES WITH MY LIFE AND WELL-BEING. I WILL NOT GIVE MY POWER AWAY TO ANY ONE OR ANY THING. I WILL NOT ALLOW A SINGLE MOMENT OF A SINGLE HOUR TO BE STOLEN FROM ME, LOST TO SADNESS OR FEAR.

This is exactly how I feel. Whenever I feel any negative feelings or thoughts creeping in I start talking to God and they immediately go away and I am filled with a sense of peace and well being. I too have little conversations with God & Christ throughout the day. I love this as it fills me to the point of over flowing joy, so much so that at times I feel like I may just burst with happiness.

As Jean said so well:

We know and understand how precious each & every moment is. How lucky we are to be so aware of the beauty of each hour. To really know to enjoy the days and not "Sweat the small Stuff" ! We now have obtained an acute and sharp awareness of life, love and what is truly important.

Faith, we will all have our moments that test us to the limits but please know that it is completely normal and that we are all here for you and as your name states, when these times hit always hand it over to God and He will take the burden from you and replace it with faith, comfort, love and peace of mind.

Also be sure to read and reread the so many inspirational posts on here especially the ones from warriors like TriciaK & Andrea Barnett Budin who have been living with stage "4" for so many years and who are still here fighting the good fight, they are my heroes and in whose foot steps I hope to follow.

Guess I had more to add than I thought, lol.

We all love you Sweetie and are here for you through thick and thin. Sending you lots of love, warm hugs, feelings of happiness and well being, prayers and strength to seize every moment and to run like the wind with it.

Love & God Bless,
Nicola

BonnieR · 08-19-2007, 07:36 PM

I understand. I am new at this too. I have started a journal at the suggestion of the cancer center psychologist. She reminded me that it must not be " a chronolgy of suffering" however! But rather say "I feel....describe it....and this is what I learned about myself (in positive terms)". So I am trying to find the good in the bad. Additionally, after my recent first chemo, when the side effects cleared, I attended a series of 4 outdoor concerts. I dont know the last time I felt so alive and joyous and happy. Such a sense of well being! I knew it was because I was not taking the experience for granted. And was living every moment. I recorded that in my journal too so I can recall it on the down days....
And it gives me hope that there can be many more of the up times....and I am taking every invitation I am offered and making every one count. At least I forget I have cancer for that little while.... What else can we do???
In a log book the hospital gave me, there is a column to record symptoms, level of pain, nausea, etc etc. I added a space to rate my level of JOY too.

Mary Jo · 08-20-2007, 04:59 AM

Bonnie, What a great idea adding a "joy" column.

That's the way to have a positive attitude and find the "joy" in all situations. NOT always easy, I know, but mostly always there is something positive to report on.

I just wanted to comment that I too have kept a journal since my cancer diagnosis. I don't journal in it daily but I do journal. Even after 2 years out it's still a way for me to get those feelings out their without burdening others. Most people I know (minus my husband) is WAY over the "Mary Jo having cancer" era. They (because they've never been down this road) have put it away now and have the attitude "Mary Jo is fine." Haha! She is fine. They are right BUT that doesn't mean I don't have feelings that need to be put out their at times. So, a journal (or a poor husband

) is a great idea.

Mary Jo

Faith in Him · 08-20-2007, 10:38 AM

Wow, you guys are an amazing group of women. I feel so much better after reading all of your wonderful and inspiring words. I am thanking God for all of you today.

Believe51 · 08-20-2007, 11:47 AM

It is my husband who has Stage IV Inflammatory BC, but I live with that fact every day too. In the beginning (9/7/07 will be 1 year) I must admit we never thought we would make it this far emotionally. It is almost a year later and look at us now!! Sometimes I almost forget he has cancer, and as time goes by further & further away from dx we have found our niche. In fact, when I would have these feelings I would feel guilty, that is no longer the case....I welcome that time when I almost forget and I do not feel guilty when I do. We are the same people even though our lives will never be the same. I took my marriage vows and have always taken them seriously, but even more so now. I have always had a secure, fun life with him and laughter was always incooperated into our lives and I mean big belly laughs right from the bottom of your feet!! When he was dx that changed and I never thought our lives would be the same.

Guess what Honey?? Our lives are better now than ever, he just has to live with cancer (notice I did not say he has cancer??). Of course I do not mean "just" because cancer is a big thing, he has to live with this horrible disease. I think the important part is that we thought we would never laugh like that again and that was very sad for us. Well we are laughing, I still pick on him, he still teases me. Our lives and those vows are still sacred to me and that has not changed, it is this journey we are on that is different. I would never trade my life with him for anything, this is where I need to be. I no longer feel guilty or sad when I have a good time. I must admit there are times when we are having great moments that 'remembering' he is living with cancer slaps me dead in the face and boy it burns. I still have emotional times that when it happens I turn away to wipe tears.

Things will get better for you as time goes by. I do not know and do not want to think where I would be without this site, I love my family here. I am a part of something bigger than all of us, a family of members that wishes nothing more than to help us on our journies. We are all in this together and I think that this fine family is a gift from God!! In time you will become 'better' at living with cancer, it comes from baby steps, one foot in front of the other. I wish that you become educated and secure and demanding as a patient. I wish for you the same peace we all search for. You recognized that you were having a great time and then you were sad at home....those things too will heal. You shall appreciate life differently than many that surround you. And with all love and sincerity, you are already more enriched, you just do not know it yet. I shall guard you safely in my prayers and hold you close on your journey, which I will follow and go over in my head. When I light my nightly candles I shall light them with thoughts of you and my other family loves here.

I no longer apologize for my long posts, my fingers and mind do the work and before I know it I have a novel. My little friend VaMoonRise thinks she can beat me and I must say....she is good. Looks like I have some competition. (Nicola, you know I love 'ya...LOL)!!

I leave you for now, but not in heart. Please try to take those baby steps and we are all planning on making it to NED. See you there Sweetheart. Do not worry, things will slowly come together. Especially some of the thoughts the mind can produce. Push away the negative and demand your miracle too!!

And remember: ALWAYS BELIEVE!!!>>Believe51

hutchibk · 08-20-2007, 12:28 PM

I love your novellas! I must also say that my life is a true joy these days. More than ever. I feel like I live a charmed life. I have always felt that way, but more in the last 3 years. Not because of cancer. But because of the "good side effects of cancer" - and there are many. I have my moments, those "news crawls" like on the bottom of CNN, across the bottom of my brain every once in a while, that remind me that this is a deadly disease. But then I remind myself that so is life. I had the healthiest of all of my friends killed in a terrible car crash last year. She was 2 miles and 5 minutes from leaving her driveway. Life is deadly. So just waking up is a calculated risk, but one that I feel blessed to take every single day. I keep my life well lit, and I know that many here will know what I mean... I am running out the door. I will watch for big trucks and drive defensively!!

Mary Jo · 08-20-2007, 01:14 PM

Ditto to everything Brenda said.....................you know the saying....................."we've all been terminal since birth." "The only sure thing are death and taxes." So.................here we are......................LIVING AND BREATHING! Grab a hold of life folks and ENJOY THE RIDE. We only get a once go round so learn all you can - spread joy and love till you can't love no more.

Mary Jo