Hair is going

[KRISS]

Now I know this is all part of the chemo experience and I have been waiting, expecting and preparing for it since I first found out chemo was in my future. But after pulling a chunk out of my head today I lost it. With the loss of my hair it almost feels like this is really happening to me. I have cancer. You would think with the chemo and missing 1/4 of my breast that that would have given me a pretty good hint. But I was OK with those things, well as OK as you can be. But the hair made me burst into tears. I know when my husband comes home and we sit down to shave it off it will be fine. We will keep our chins up and laugh, but at this moment I am sad. It's not that my hair has ever been the central point of my womenhood. Heck, for work I wake up and put it in a ponytail. I guess I feel that it is one more thing cancer has taken from me. I need to gain control and recapture my life. Sorry for ranting but I hope some of you can share feelings and stories of your baldness with me to help ease my feelings. Thanks, Kriss

[Colleen007]

The hair loss was what made it hit home for me as well. I have always had long hair and putting it up in a ponytail was one of my favorite ways to wear it. I stopped the Taxol at the end of June and now have about 1 1/2 to 2" of hair back...and I can't wait for the day I can wear a ponytail again. The other thing I had trouble getting used to was how cold my head felt with no hair. It got to the point that the only way I could get a sound night's sleep was wearing a winter fleece hat to bed.

I know it is hard to believe it now since it is an emotional day for you, but you will get used to not having hair. And, you will probably like how little time it takes you to get ready in the morning.

[lindaw]

Dear Kriss

I also felt like I really had cancer when my hair came out. i remember i new it was going to and individual hairs kept falling out then i washed it ( I had very long ringletty , curl hair) and it went into a mass. i had to get my husband and daughter to cut the mass out a i was about to catch a bus to Canberra ( 5 hrs away) to visit a friend and then go to a counselling tarinig workshop in sydney.When i got to canberra my frined and i drank wine and cut my hair - she then sowed some of the ringlets onto a lovely hat I had( I am not a hat person - but what to do) and i wore that to the workshop. it was overwhelming and i feel for you.I felt very self conscious at the workshop as I wore the hat and felt identified as a cancer patient. It was 4 years ago but i still rmember the feeling.
Your husband sounds supportive as you speak of laughing together with him. I have found my husband to be my biggest survival support.You will get through this but i know it is difficult now. my thoughts are with you.

love
lindaw

[lindaw]

sorry about the poor spelling i got so caught up in the feeling i didn't look up after i had written it and sent it off.

[caya]

Hi Kriss,

I just came home from my first chemo - they told me it would be about 2 weeks when my hair would fall out - I know what you mean - I had a modified radical Dec. 18th, and I knew that would not bother me as much as the hair will. (kinda crazy?) I am prepared for it - I bought 2 wigs - one curly (how I normally wear it), and one straight - when I get it blown dry for special occasions. I will have it buzzed in about 10 days, hopefully before any clumps out.

I think it is because the hair is so "visual" - I already bought a great breast prosthesis that no one would ever know which side is real and which isn't. I have always worn my hair longish - so having no hair will be hard. But it will grow back - just remember that - and you will be cancer free (hopefully) as well.

Lots of love,
Caya in Canada ( a future baldy)

[SusanV]

Kriss,


So sorry you are having a sad day....I remember it well. I donated my hair to Locks of Love...which if your hair is at least 10 " you may want to consider. It gave me a feeling of control over what was happening. I then got a really short haircut, and then had hubby shave it a week later. I think the thing about the hair that is so rotten, is that it is a daily reminder that we have cancer...however it does grow back.. I Finished chemo in Nov, and have about 1/4" all over...just enough to finally keep my head warm at night. I did get a wig, and still wear it outside the house. That takes some getting used to, but do whatever feels good for you. Not sure if you have kids, but I made them a part of the whole "haircut & shave" process. We laughed and made it "OK" for them so they wouldn't be unhappy. Good luck

thinking of you

[Stephanie B.]

I felt the same way. Losing my hair was worse than losing my breast. People thought I was crazy when I said that, but I always had long thick hair. Check with your local American Cancer Society to see if the offer the "Look Good, Feel Better" Class. I loved it. They give you free make up, wigs, scarfs, hats, etc. as well as great tips for eyebrow, eyelash loss. Have fun with it. Buy different color wigs, short wigs and long wigs. You can be a different person everyday. I couldn't wear anything but brown because my son (5 1/2 at the time) said he didn't like me as a blonde or redhead, but I could wear different lengths. One thing to look forward to... my hair came back in thicker, darker and curly.

Keep your chin up

[Mary Anne in TX]

Rant on Kriss!

It's awful to lose our hair no matter how we think we might be prepared. It's a bit harder to pretend "cancer isn't happening" to us when our hair falls in the shower floor! But your post chemo hair will be so precious. Mine is now the third color. Changed with the last chemo and then again since then. They told me it is my practice hair and not to get too attached.
Let each falling of your hair make you fight even harder.
God bless you on this tough day.
mary anne

[KellyA]

Hi Kriss,

I do know what an awful feeling it was to lose the hair. It was the first time also, for me, that it really sunk in that I had cancer. I had managed to look "normal" with reconstruction after my double mast., and the first chemo didn't really make me sick, but there was no denying it when the hair started falling. It didn't help that a few of my loved ones burst into tears the first time they saw me without it. My father, whom I have never seen cry, cried. Horrible feeling.

My husband and boys were wonderful. We had a little party and I got a nice mohawk. I figured that if that didn't put me in the "Cool Mom Book" forever, nothing would! My hubby also carved the NY Yankees logo into the back of my head (I told him that I thought he was enjoying the trim just a little too much and he said it was a once in a lifetime opportunity!!!! :-) ). My hair has always been very long so it was a bit of an adjustment, but I tried to be positive and develope a new "style" with clothes and accessories.

The worst part for me was the staring. I couldn't go anywhere without creating a big "hush" and getting everything frome pity looks to completely horrified stares. I hated to be treated like a "sick person" or like "walking death". Sometimes it would really piss me off. My friends, co-workers and family were wonderful- and many people complimented me on how my eyes look larger, and my smile was so pretty. That always made me feel good.

Now, with chemo 3 months behind me, and a full head of hair, everything is different. I feel "reborn" (corny, I know) and that period of my life is already becoming a distant memory. Sometimes I miss that time though, as sick as it seems, because it was a time when I felt so overwhelmed with love from others,a new way of looking at the world, and at myself. Take lots of pictures- I didn't want to at first, but it is a time that I never want to forget and a time when I really learned to love myself. Being "bald" was one of the best things to ever happen to me.

Love, Kelly

[chrisy]

Hi Kriss,

First, thank goodness you spell your name with a K! I get so confused with all of us!

Yes, the hair was demoralizing to say the least - as someone else said, it is so visual, and a constant reminder that all is not well! Most of the time you're wearing clothes (at least I was - I never did look so great naked!) so the other "scars" are not always in your face so to speak.

I had a bunch of hats - I mean a BUNCH and I lived in them. See, there's a good side to having chemo in the winter. Found out I looked really good in hats and fortunately I work in a place that gets cold - so lots of people wear hats! I also had several wigs, but mostly I wore the hats because of comfort. Then I could tell people how they should feel special when I wore my hair for them!

My distress about my hair drove my hubby crazy. Yeah, it's just hair, but it is an obvious reminder.

I think when you are done with chemo you should look forward to having fun with your hair! I spiked mine all over and looked really cool. But then I work in Santa Cruz where everyone has spiked hair! At least mine wasn't purple (although I considered it!)

In the meantime, hang in there. Cry if you feel like it but you know that you are much more than your hair!

Take care
Chris

[tousled1]

Kriss,

Yes, losing your hair is devasting. As everyone else said -- I believe because it's so visual. I always had a hat fetish so I didn't really mind the hair lose all that much. I had about 32 hats and this time last year I was completely bald. Now I have about 1-1/2 to 2 inches of hair. Just to warn you, the hair on your head is not the only hair you'll loose. You will loose all body har - which is good in a way. The worst thing is when you loose your eyebrows and eyelashes. Don't worry your hair will grow back! Mine is coming in much thicker but poker straight!!

[sassy]

I had always worn my hair long and described it as "Frizzy" rather than curly. I had cut it fairly short when it started coming out in clumps in the shower. Like you Kriss, it matted up and couldn't get rid of it! My husband had to come into the shower and cut the clumps from my head! I have always buzzed my boys hair short, so after the shower--I buzzed my own. I thought it would be the worst time for me--but it was almost a relief. I didn't have to dread it any more. Afterwards I wore my wig for a while, then just switched to wig for special occasions and made hats and scarves a fun activity. Loved trying to come up with different "looks". And I did have three or four wigs--long, short, curly, etc. You'll never have a better time to try whatever look you want.

My hair now is darker, curlier and I like it better than ever. So try to have fun with it and you have brand new hair to look forward to.

Best of luck to you,
________
HoneyMila cam

[rinaina]

Kriss, you are not alone by any stretch of the means in your feelings of losing your hair. I felt that it was such a violation on my body and it made me realize, even though I knew this before it happened, just how powerful these chemo drugs are. But that is a good thing because if they can make hair fall out, just think what they are doing to the cancer! Shaving it right away will make it easier in the long run. I didn't do that immediately and it was horrible waking up everyday and combing my hair only to lose handful upon handful. I waited about 5 days before finally shaving it and it was too long. So I would advise anyone going through it to shave and be done with it. It was too traumatic watching it come out. It's amazing though how unimportant hair loss becomes in the scheme of things, plus you know it will come back. Mine is about an inch long now from root to tip and I ended chemo the end of July 2006. To me it seems like it is growing slow...perhaps the herceptin makes it grow more slowly...I don't know. I am just thrilled it is coming back...very curly and grey by the way. Getting it colored and cut to help tame the collicks and curl a bit. Kriss, we are here for you and never feel alone. Hang in there and I hope you are feeling as well as can be expected while going through chemo.

[KRISS]

Thank you for your kind words and encouragment. It is always nice to know I am feeling the same way thousands of other women have felt. It's just a shame that it is something some of us must go through.

The deed is done. My wonderful husband came home and we both cried for a minute, poured ourselves a drink and started hacking away. My hair has always been on the thin side and it amazed me at how long the process took. But we laughed and did some fun things and in the end it is not so bad. Just a little cold on an 18 degree morning here in Indy.
Thanks again for the stories and advise. I'm sure I will be asking for more as I go along. Have a peaceful day. Kriss

[Emelie]

Kriss,
It is hard to take, but you will save a ton of time getting ready, and there are some great hats and scarves that have brought out my "creative side". Hang in there, they tell me it will grow back, I have been bald for 6 weeks now. I live outside of St Louis and it has been cold, so I even wear a ploar fleece hat to bed.
Take care and know you are not alone,
Emelie

[Jean]

Kriss,
Only we understand and know what it is like to have a "NO hair day".

For my experience with this when I lost the first clump and watched it
fall on the tile floor of my shower I made up my mind that I would go to
a salon and have the hair taken off and have them give me give me a "GI Jane" hair style.

I went to a salon three towns over from mine - made the appt. sat down in the chair and the poor hair stylist was a nervious wreck. He kept asking me
are you sure you want it shaved? The other women in the salon soon observed what was going on. It didn't matter to me since I didn't know anyone.
In my family I have always looked like my Mom. Well after this I knew I would be looking like my Father (yes, he was bald)....

When he was done I took out my wig and put it. The woman in the salon
all got up from their chairs and embraced me (they figured out what was going on pretty fast) hugged me and even told me I didn't need the wig I looked beautiful! I felt so loved from these wonderful woman. The hair stylist (who was a man) had tears in his eyes.

The point being - what I thought would be a very difficult scene turned out
to be a love fest in the salon. Cancer teaches us so very much (that is the up side of this monster disease).

Yes - cancer take our hair - but it cannot and will not take our beauty!

God Bless,
Jean

[LAURIE]

Saving some of my hair really helped me. I put it in little ponytails and cut them out. I then used a couple of the ponytails to make bangs for under my hats. Everyone always says they look so real, I respond "of course they do, it's my hair" I do recall the first time looking in the miror and thinking "yes I look like a cancer patient" I really enjoyed not shaving my pits or bikini line. Be creative have fun with it, or show off your bald, beautiful head to the world. I was going to put a henna tattoo all over my head, but my hair grew back to quick, by the time I thought of it.

[MJo]

Dear Kriss: Big hug to you. I am one of the ladies who didn't mind being bald. I loved just towel drying my head after a shower. I was amazed that my bald head looked a little pointy. I joked that I'm a "pointy-headed liberal." I wore hats in winter, but didn't buy a wig. On the other hand when I lost my eyebrows and eyelashes I was very upset, because I've always been proud of my natural arch and long lashes. They grew back as good as ever. This too shall pass!! MJO

[juanita]

I hated losing my hair. I cried when it came out. Within two months though it was starting to come back. It's now darker, with patches of gray, and curlier.

[VirginiaGirl]

Ditto, ditto. Since I wasn't sure if I would thin or loose it all, I went about 3 weeks dealing with hair loss in my bed, in my shower. I let my 9 year old daughter cut my long hair any way she wanted (I got a Cleopatra look) and then my sister cut it real short. After a week of that, my husband shaved it for me. I work at a high school and was nervous about the reaction of my students seeing me in a scarf. But they were great, and I don't know now why I worried. The hardest part was dealing with my daughter's reaction. For her it was the first time I actually appeared "sick" from cancer, and it was distressing for her for a few days. We're all used to it now. I do get looks from people occasionally, but that's okay. My co-workers say it's considerate of me to give people an easy idea for gifts! And they have all gone through their closets looking for scarves to lend me. My daughter's sitter helped her make me a scarf that I could have people sign, so that's been fun, too! As always, good things come from bad things if you're willing and able to see them!
Peace to all,