Accepting help from others

mom22girlz · 04-14-2006, 06:24 PM

I realize this is not a huge problem, but I wonder how others deal with this. I am currently receiving radiation treatments. Since I live in a rural area, I must drive just over an hour to the cancer center. I've had 7 treatments so far. I have had many, many offers of help to drive me to the center. So far, I have been able to do this on my own, but I must admit, I have been tired. (stressful time, not sleeping well at night, have 1 young daughter and 1 teenage daughter, plus treatments) Still, I am having trouble asking any of these kind people for help.... Many would have to take off their day from work to assist me and I don't feel that is right... Otherwise, I feel that if I can stay awake and chat to someone in the car, I should be able to drive myself. I don't know what to do..... Any advice?
Susan

Chelee · 04-14-2006, 06:37 PM

I can certainly understand where you are coming from in not wanting to have others drive you if you can drive yourself. But...that being said...radiation and all you have been through WILL make you tired. There are many people out there that WANT so much to help...but don't know how. I feel most that offer you help...truly want to.

Lets put it this way...don't YOU like to help someone if you can. Doesn't it make you feel good knowing you are helping someone in such a big way. Most are not going to offer if they really don't want to do it. This is NOT easy on you. Radiation makes you tired on top of HOW far you have to drive. That is not counting your kids you take care of and all family matters you have to deal with on the norm.

But I do know how you feel when you stop and think to yourself "Gee, I can do this by myself". But...that isn't the point. Sure you CAN...and you HAVE been. But you have enough stress and many realize that. Just think how nice it would be to let someone drive you there and take that added pressure off you. Hours on the road is not easy on top of Rads! You will probably make these people happy by letting them help you out. (I know its NOT easy...because I too have a problem with this...but I AM getting better.) I am not myself...and I am much more tired...and unfortunetly...I DO need help. If they offer...I tend to say YES now. Don't be so hard on yourself...and let others help you.

Hang in there...

CLTann · 04-14-2006, 06:40 PM

Under the conditions you stated, I would suggest that when you are tired you should accept people's help. Thats what friends are for. You probably want to reciprocate in some way when you are available to help. You certainly don't want to get involved in an accident. People are sincerely offering their time so that in a certain way they are contributing to your well-being. To accept help gracefully is an asset.

Ann

Sandy H · 04-14-2006, 06:45 PM

You need to accept help at this time. People do want to help or they would not offer. It took my husband and I some time to accept help from others. Both my husband and I are disabled. Believe it or not we have friends who are disabled themselves and aren't able to do much but still offer to help. It maybe in some small way but it help. When we have accepted their help they are so happy it in turn makes us happy that we accepted it. Everyone in this world will need help in their life time so we are not alone with this issue. You need to save your energy for healing. Hope this helps. hugs and good luck, Sandy

Sherryg683 · 04-14-2006, 07:48 PM

"By not accepting help, you are being selfish and not allowing others to do something good for you ,this denies them the chance to feel good about themself"...THIS IS WHAT MY MOTHER TOLD ME!! She can be pretty darn straight talking but it's true. People want to help when they see someone suffering, it makes them feel good. I have a hard time accepting help, still don't like to do it. I have had no problems accepting the great meals that my friends have cooked for me though. One friend of is a great cook and cooks so often for me that when I got news that I was NED, I jokingly told all my other friends NOT to tell Jennifer my good news because she would stop cooking for me...lol..sherryg683

bjj · 04-15-2006, 03:32 AM

You sound like me! I have awful problems not only asking for help but just accepting it when it is offered. A diagnosis of BC hasn't changed that - I still find it hard. My partner says that I am ridiculously independent. I have found though that people want to help, they don't necessarily know what to do or to say re breast cancer (or any other kind!) - I have had some strange remarks (I think the funniest one was someone telling me she knew just how I felt because she had a hysterectomy 5 years ago!) - but by doing something practical they feel they are helping and being supportive.

I went by train to radiotherapy (I live in the UK) and towards the end fell asleep both ways. You really shouldn't drive towards the end. Try very hard to accept the help - I used to think about turning into an outing for the person coming with me - lets have lunch, coffee and cake etc, bit of shopping - whatever - then it turns into a treat for them too. When my partner came with me we used to do a sightseeing thing - radiotherapy was in London. Somedays it was something very small but a little something to make me feel I was giving something back too - hope that makes a bit of sense.

Feel for you - it's hard.

Love

bjj

lisahammo · 04-15-2006, 04:59 AM

Hi Susan

That is exactly how I felt through radiation. I found it more difficult than chemo. I was about an hour away also, with a 2 1/2 y.o. son, and just felt that I had to do everything myself. After my treatment was over, I ended up having a disagreement with a friend, as I felt he had abandoned me. It came back and hit me in the face that I had been turning my friends away. The only way they could help was to do something practical like driving or dinners, and I was turning them all away. They felt useless and in the way, so they stopped ringing, so as not to annoy me. Of course the situation got worse, until I realised MY mistake. I didn't speak to a few friends for a few months, but things are fine now, and I have learnt to accept help. It is one of the hardest things as a woman to do.

Be kind to yourself, and accept it. It helps everyone in the long run.

Take care.

Love Lisa

Patty H · 04-16-2006, 11:46 AM

I recently had radiation and it was an hour away. My friends met me for breakfast and they all signed my calendar for days they could take me. I had to have 33 treatments and my husband couldn't take that many days off. I cried all weekend having to ask for help. People don't realize how hard it is to ask for help and it's something we really have to learn to do. It's like a life lesson. My daughter said Mom don't you realize that we all want to help and you have never let us! Through this cancer I have learned how much I needed my family and friends. Before this, my goal was to be completlyl independent. I even bought luggage small enough, that if I were ever to travel alone, that I could lift and carry. With the cancer I was compleetely knocked on my butt. I have, had to learn what a blessing and how important freinds and family are and that they really do want to hepl. Not saying I still have conquered this. Patty H