This is for the men

[michele u]

To our men:

I would like to know if any of you guys have read any good books for husbands with wives that have breast cancer? My husband is having a hard time dealing with my "new normal". He wants everything to be back the way it was. There has to be some good books out there. If you have any ideas let me know. Thanks Michele

A few months ago, we offered a Men's Chat, but few every showed up. Joe does have a book for men; it may or may not be helpful.

My husband has been through a lot with me. Mary's death has brought many emotions to the surface for him. He knew Mary, too.

If your husband would like to confer with another survivor's survivor, I think Mel would be more than happy to offer his e-mail address.

Love and light to all,

Lisa

My husband strongly recommends the book, "Breast Cancer Husband" by Marc Silver. A new book, available in libraries or on Amazon for about $10.00. He feels it has really helped him understand the whole situation--and I have gotten back and foot rubs as the book has suggested! Susan Love's breast cancer book was given to me at the time of diagnois by the radiologist. Along with that should have been "Breast Cancer Husband". Would be good for any support person.

Janet/FL

Hey Michele,

When Rachel was first diagnosed a friend gave me a book called At the Will of the Body. It's by a guy named Arthur Frank, who is a sociologist but more important someone who lived through a terrible heart attack and testicular cancer...The book is short and clearly written and taught me more about what it's like to undergo treatment for cancer than anything else I read. Above all he is very insistent that people facing any major illness be listened to and respected.

I avoid the "men only" website areas and support groups for a number of personal reasons that I won't bore you all with, but I will mention that the bcsupport.org site has a separate caregiver section. Most major medical centers (and the Wellness Community if there's one in your area) have caregiver support groups as well.

It's a cliche to say this, but everyone has a different way at this. For some it's being up to date on information, for others its important to keep life as "regular" as possible. Humor works for others (Stan Mack, the cartoonist, has a new book that chronicles his life, in comics, with his partner who had bc.). If your guy does want to be put in touch with other "breast cancer husbands" (I'm not, technically, a husband, but close enough) pass my email on to your guy...

Take care,
Jeff

Hey Michele

My husband bought himself "After Breast Cancer: A Common-Sense Guide to Life After Treatment" by Hester Hill Schnipper as well as the "breast cancer husband". He said he found the "After" book really helpful and so did I.

At first I joked about the title--as stage IV what "after" I didn"t think I got an "after"? Clearly I was wring once I read it I learned alot about what I was feeling in my "new normal" and as a result my psychology is much more peaceful and patient and my husband is not nearly has puzzled about my moods as before.

KK

[Rozebud]

I've heard Marc Silver's book is good too. Here is a 5 page summary from an article in the Washington Post that is helpful.

Rosebud, that is a great article.
Michele, when my Linda was dx 1 1/2 years ago and then again stage 4 about year ago, I decided to tough-it-out. The hell with books! I don't know if it has done any good because at times I have gone from emotional devastation to the kazoom you feel when you first meet. I think what has brought me through to the place I am know is two things:
1. Being actively involved in Linda's recovery, I never miss an appointment, give her needles, research. Keeping communication open. One drawback: sometimes I feel more like a nurse that a husband.
2. Regular involvment in the HER2 message board. It reminds me that we are not alone or isolated, we share research, make new friends.

When Linda was dx, we talked and made a decision to savour every day. I am pleased to say that we were able to achieve this goal. I can honestly say that we haven't argued or even bitched at eachother since that day. I read somewhere a quote: "I will get more out of cancer than cancer will get out of me". That is so true but it does require a shift in thinking and a re-alignment of priorities.
Please tell your husband I am joining the men's previous offers for help and that he can contact me at al@sentex.net
Take care,
Al

[Rozebud]

Al - you are incredible. I would love it if my hubby was on this board as much as you are. You don't need any advice :) !

Hi Michele,

Unfortunately I hate to read so I can't recommend any good books. I can, however, offer my support. As a hubby that loves his wife more than anything and has always appreciated what we had (and have), I certainly understand what your husband is going through. As do most of the husbands living with this "new chapter", I am tempted to wish for what was. Obviously that can't be. As many on this board have said though, in some ways this new chapter can offer some new positives. The trick is to put the effort into finding them while resisting the temptation to yearn for what was. Easier said than done, but certainly do-able.

Please let your husband know that I am available to listen and offer any support I can. If he likes he can reach me at etinn4@yahoo.com and I will gladly give him my phone number as well.

Best regards,
Eric

Eric,
You hit the hammer right on the head! Things will NEVER be the same again so don't go chasing rainbows. Take what you have, enjoy it and don't cry over what was. Al

Hi to all, my problem is worse, my hubby is dyslexic and doesn't read at all and he is self conscious of it. One of the things that scares me is that if anything were to happen to me, who would look after him and not rip him off. The problem isn't so bad at the moment because our 15 year old daughter has been forced to grow up through all of this and she realises the problem we have and has been a great help when I have been in hospital the last few times. Since surgery in 1998 I have not felt attractive and with him being 12 years younger hasn't made it any easier, it has been a hard road. I don't think I have mentioned his name before but it is Ron. Ron has always seen beauty in everything, ugly dogs, ugly gardens, ugly houses and ugly cars, he has always had a vision that they are beautiful in their own way when nurtured. It has taken my cruise of only being away for only1 week to make me understand that he sees past my image and missed me terribly and he was very lonley even when around people, Ron and my family are my strength to carry on and we want to live together until old age.

Hugs from Lyn

[Lolly]

I think one of the most helpful things for my husband has been the fact that he has friends at his workplace who either have spouses who are cancer survivors, or who are activists involved in support organizations, so he has always felt support there when he needed it; cancer has never been a taboo subject there.
The offers to put your husband in touch with some of the guys here would be very helpful for him.

Love, Lolly

[michele u]

Thanks for all your support.
We are going away this weekend together to stay one night at the casino's at Omaha. I think we need this time together! When I'm awa y like that on vacations i feel half way normal for awhile. I got my tumor markers ran today so i'm stressed anyway til i find out what the results are. Maybe winning at the slots will make me forget for awhile!!!

Michele,
Cha-ching! Throw in a quarter for me!

Love and light,

Lisa