***Thank you everyone***

[RhondaH]

for all your stories, suggestions and support regarding my son. The KICKER...Yesterday my mother and I took Tony (5yo) to the pediatrician who asked him what happened. Tonys reply "I touched someones private parts". Doctor asked him "Why"? His reply "I don't know". Doctor asked me to tell him what happened and I told him that Tony should explain (I find out something prior to go to the doc and wanted Tony to tell him). Tony told doc that he and another boy were playing house, he the dad, the other boy the mom and he patted the other boy on the behind. Doc, LOOKED at us like "HUH"... and asked Tony, "So you touched his biscuit?" Tony said "Yes". Doc asked him "Did you touch him in front?" Tony said "No". By now the pediatrician is looking at us like "Why are you here"? After THOROUGHLY reassuring us that WE are doing everything right and that Tony is a WONDERFUL little boy and that the daycare over reacted, he sent us on our way. So mom and I dropped Tony back off at daycare and while my mom left to run home and get his swimsuit, I talked to the teacher (graduated from MSU with a bachelors in early childhood development as well as this is one of the TOP...and it had better be for the price I pay...daycares in the area) and in the course of our discussion I told here what Tony told the doc, her reply to me "Thats not where the OTHER boy told me he touched him"...I looked at her and asked "So you didn't even SEE what happened?" By the look on her face to this question, she replied "No". I know how I felt and just wanted to leave so as I was driving back to work, the more I thought about it, the more upset I get and I (and it takes a LOT to upset me) started crying. Here after her TORMENTING my son and telling him he could go to jail if he were older and did that, "issolating" him from the other kids at rest period until he "earns" back their trust, my grounding him from playing with the neighbor kids for 2 days, NOW I find out that this was merely the word of ANOTHER 5yo boy (and I'm not saying that the other boy "lied", but Tony has NEVER lied to me and I in NO way prompted him "where" he touched him, I just let HIM tell me and then I asked him "where" and he patted his bottom and not only that but maybe Tony brushed up against him accidentally or a MILLION other things) telling them that "Tony touched my private part" and they never even asked Tony his side. I picked up my cell phone (crying) and I called the center and asked to speak to his teacher who got on the phone and she tried calming me down and NOW she said she just pulled Tony aside to talk to him about his doc visit (NOW she wants to talk to him, not when it first happens or BEFORE he is punished) and he told her what was said, she said for me to relax, everything is ok, I'm a good mom, Tony's a good kid, he is not "really" isolated from the other kids (asked him when we came back from docs if he wanted to play a game with someone else at rest period)...think SHE knows that she made a HUGE mistake, HMMMMM...OHHHH, I was mad...thank goodness he starts all day kindergarten in Sept. Needless to say when I picked him up from daycare, we went STRAIGHT to Toys r Us, had pizza for dinner, ice cream for desert, he got to play outside with his friends AND stay up late.

[Cathya]

Rhonda;

What a horrible thing to go through. I truly understand the anguish of bringing up a little boy. My son is currently 6 foot 2" tall but when he was in pre-kindergarden he was tall for his age. He was tormented by a grade 2 boy and called a "stupid grade 2er" as he was as big as him. It sounds silly now but this torment totally changed my little boy. He became quiet and sullen. I would talk to him and try to find out what was bothering him but he wouldn't discuss it. Finally one night I was lying in his bed with him after reading a story just settling him down....and trying to quiz him again when he blurted this out....and how this boy tormented him on the bus to his daycare each day. He never took that bus again needless to say and I went immediately to the school. He is fine today of course but I totally remember every bit of his suffering growing up....what is it about mothers and sons.....they melt our hearts.......and fire up our protective instincts....lol

Cathy

[Sandy H]

Rhonda that sounds similiar to what I went through with my neighbor. She was upset when I got to her house because I had talked to my son before going down and knew what I was going for. She said, "you should talk to me and not your son". I knew then I was in for a challenge. I was upset that she took it upon herself to handle this situation in such a negative way and then to get her husband in on it. It made him feel like he was dirt. She told me I needed to get him out of daycare but she didn't want me to talk to the teacher just pull him out. She told him my son would never amount to anything! Well, he has a college degree and has a well paying job, building a beautiful home, is not married yet but has had several long term relationships but has not found the right woman yet and that may never happen and that is his choice. I am sad to say that her son is mixed up and he talks to my son about it and blames it on his mother he said he could never do anything right!! So very sad she has another son who is can do no wrong. Go figure I don't understand it. Best wishes to you Rhonda sounds like you are doing a great job to me and some times you have to go with your heart and do what you feel is right and you did. hugs, Sandy

[Esther]

Rhonda that's awful!!! I can totally empathize with what you must have been feeling. My '"baby" is 6'2" and 23 years old, but when I read your post I was right back in those pre-school days remembering how sweet, innocent and vulnerable those little guys are.

It's probably a good thing he's moving on soon to Kindergarten, this will all fade away to nothing soon.

[mts]

I can believe it!
People really over-react to these kinds of situations... I guess I would be thrown in jail for all the times I "spanked" my mom's rear-end when she would go up a stairwell, or when I would yank my sister's bathing suit out of her crack.

The lesson learned here is that we must always put our child FIRST before we believe what anyone else says. How is a child going to feel safe if the parent takes someone elses side?

Maria

[MJo]

I work for a social services agency and we have a child care center for low income parents. We and the parents are very careful about the children's safety, but I must say parents and teachers look at the occasional incident of playing house or playing with your peepee with tolerance and even amusement. You are paying tons of money for top early childhood education and you've run into some uptight teachers. Maybe they are overeducated into paranoia. They even made a mommy cry. Childrearing today sounds very difficult. I've never had children. I regret it sometimes, and other times I'm relieved. I hope everything works out for the best and that this is a good learning experience for your childcare center. If not, change centers. Mary Jo

[Barbara H.]

Hi Rhonda,
As I said before, this teacher overreacted and handled the situation inappropriately. She should have heard from "both" boys what happened, given them a brief explanation about touching privates and moved on. She then needed to inform both parents, tell how she handled it, explaned that this behavior is natural and happens, in other words put both parents at ease, so that everyone could move on.
Sorry you had to deal with this.

I also have 3 children. I do believe that we have to listen to them, but realize there are often two interpretations to a story. In our third grade students learn points of view when we study the history of the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag. One way for them to understand points of view is to give them a playground scenario where two children are having an altercation and they come to an adult with thier story. There are commonalities, but the stories are never entirely the same. Blame does not necessarily need to enter the picture. Kids understand this.

On the other hand bullying can never be toloerated, and a parent needs to intervene immediately when that happens by notifying the teacher. If the teacher doesn't deal with it then the principal needs to know. Bullying that allows to continue can be very detrimental. There are many new inititives in this area. For those interested, there is a lot on the interenet concerning this subject.

Rhonda, your son needs to be praised for his ability to tell you and his doctor what happened.

Best wishes and good luck on your continued journey to raise him.

Barbara H.

[Jean]

Dear Rhonda,
I felt so sad to read your post! Oh how I remember those early years. My son will be 22 next month. When he was Tony's age I had a similiar situation with a new novice teacher who did not handle the situation well at all. Hopefully the next time (sorry to say there will be next times) you will be ready and prepared to check out the "Entire Story" first - I also assumed the teacher had spoken with both children. I always said I dreaded when my son had to enter the real world...but being the great MOM that you are Tony will do just great. This was a postive experience for him - he learned that it was "Safe" to speak with you and his doctor. Keep your eye on that teacher!

Warmly,
jean