Regrets

I keep wanting to go back in time and change my decisions. I waited 6 mos. to go see the Dr.. Then when I should have received WBR I refused and because at 31 I was diagnosed and my hair is very important to me. Losing my hair the first time was so devasting that a year later I was an emotional cripple. So against my Drs. recommendation and had for partial only to have it appear in the other part of my brain. So I would up having RT to my entire head. How I regret not taking my Drs. advise. I beat myself up over it and over. I feel like if I could go back in time and change what could be a fatal decision. I was a broken woman trying to make a major decision. And by the way at the time of the crainotomy the Dr. told me I was pregnant. I am alive but I go over and over and over it. Am I the only one?

Dear AnneMarie,
YOU are not the only one who has regrets. If I would have all the information NOW that I had then, there is things I would have done differently.
That is why this board and the book they are making is so important. It should be in every breast surgeons office and gone over with a fine tooth comb.
Once the diagnosis is made, it is hurry up, and get you treated. We are in shock and are relying on our Doctors treatment schedule and hope we can trust them. Most doctors out there are probably pretty good. Something inside you decided to go a different route and it may be that in the future you made the correct dedicision. HER2 is an egima. I remember sitting with my br. surg. going over the different types of cancer and her2 was just kinda skipped over because the majority doesn't have it.
I wish I would have known about skin sparring masectomy, it was never discussed, but maybe it wasn't an option for me. It's over whelming everything we are told.
We just go with our gut instincts and hope for the best. I looked up every thing I could, but did not find this site til later.
Please feel better about your decisions, I believe everything happens for a reason. Why me? I never asked. It's here, lets deal with it and get on with my life. It sounds like your just having a bad day and tomorrow, I hope u feel better. We can't dwell in the past or we miss today, this minute. I have days like this also and I get mad at myself for wasting time on things I can't change. Have the regrets, feel for them and then let them go. Take care, k

I blame myself for being so stubborn. So pig headed I would not listen to anyone -not even my husband who loves me very much. If nothing else I should have done it for him.

Regarding "things happen for a reason" I really do not believe that. Her is my two cents and that is all it is worth. It is my belief that life is a crap shoot from the time of conception onward. It is so random who your parents are, what type of a family you are born into, what social class you are raised. Why do bad things happen? Very often they just happen. Random acts such as car accidents are just being in the wrong place. There are no reasons. I do not believe that God had bc with mets to the brain and to lose five babies in mind for me. If I believed this was my fate I could not get out of bed in the morning. I hope you do not interpret this as challenging you in any way I am just sharing my perspective and I am not trying to change anyone's mind.

I blame myself for being so stubborn. So pig headed I would not listen to anyone -not even my husband who loves me very much. If nothing else I should have done it for him.

Regarding "things happen for a reason" I really do not believe that. Her is my two cents and that is all it is worth. It is my belief that life is a crap shoot from the time of conception onward. It is so random who your parents are, what type of a family you are born into, what social class you are raised. Why do bad things happen? Very often they just happen. Random acts such as car accidents are just being in the wrong place. There are no reasons. I do not believe that God had bc with mets to the brain and to lose five babies in mind for me. If I believed this was my fate I could not get out of bed in the morning. I hope you do not interpret this as challenging you in any way I am just sharing my perspective and I am not trying to change anyone's mind.

Yes, awful things just happen... for no reason!!! I don't believe that there is a REASON for me getting liver mets.

I guess, you just make the best decision you can at the time, and try to move on from there. I had the "if onlys" too. If only, I had watched my diet, taken supplements....whatever.

I think we take what happens and make the best of it. Having mets, has changed my outlook on life, and made me appreciate today more. I think I am a more positive thinking person because of it.

But happen for a reason? I don't think so, it's more a case of taking lemons and making lemonade.

Ah, the old "should, woulda, coulda" game.. we've all been there and done that and it doesn't get you anywhere, just drives you nuts. We're here at the moment and can only go forward from this point in time.....

Remember...
Yesterday is HISTORY
Tomorrow is a MYSTERY
Today is a GIFT

Second favorite saying....
"Worrying does not empty Tomorrow of its troubles, it empties Today of its strength."

Worry or regrets just eat at you and make you miserable. I agree that you need to feel the regret and learn from it, but don't beat yourself up every day over it... it won't change the outcome... it only makes you smarter for the decisions that you make tomorrow.

Hugs,
Janelle

We have all had regrets. If only I had known that mammograms aren't always reliable, if only I had known that tumor markers aren't always reliable, if only I hadn't trusted the sweet kind onc who didn't follow my tumor markers and kept telling me my arm pain was nothing because the x rays were fine, if only I hadn't listened to 2 oncs who told me after 5 years I was cured so I could use a little estrogen to feel better, if only I hadn't trusted the surgeon who let the doctor in training do the incision which then didn't heal and delayed chemo, if only I didn't trust the surgeon who put in the wrong line and he knew it, if only I hadn't trusted the surgeon who put in a portacath in my radiated chest wall and said don't worry in all of my years of practice I have never had a problem only to have it rupture 2 weeks later and I nearly bled to death, etc etc etc.

We ALL have regrets. What if, What if I had gone to a doctor who picked up the lump earlier instead of two ob gyns and an internist who missed it. I will die young because they missed it.

We have such precious limited days that to live with regret is to poison whatever time we have left. I lived with such anger for so long against a few of my prior docs that finally I sat down and wrote letters to those who had made the most crucial errors. They were blunt, direct but unemotional letters. I sat on them for a month and finally sent them and their responses were revealing.

One doc whom I trusted with my life and abandoned me when I recurred and lost my original unreplaceable scans sent me a scathing e mail that criticized me and suggested I had a problem and I should drive the 70 miles to see him. Immediately, my anger was gone and I realized he was the real sick person here not me. And I let my anger go.

The sweet kind onc who said it was safe to go on estrogen without any kind of screening and then missed my recurrence for 9 months ( along with other numerous errors ) never responded to a letter that was not filled with anger but instead pointed out in a non threatening way how she needed to more closely monitor labs she ordered and order a bone scan when a high risk patient had symptoms, never responded but gossiped about me around the medical community and even to my current treating doctor violating HIPAA legislation and confidentiality. But I know for a fact that my letter changed how she practiced and she is much more thorough now and orders bone scans for symptoms. So I feel my letter might just help other women and I again realized I wasn't the sick one, she was for gossiping about me and violating my rights as a patient. I let go of the anger and rarely think about her now too.

In your case, Annemarie, it seems like your anger is directed against yourself. Somehow you have to forgive yourself. You made your difficult decisions and no one knows what would have happened if you had done things differently. You were scared and my god you were pregnant. What a terrific burden you were carrying. You don't know that even if you had had whole brain that you might have still had a recurrence. Plenty of women do things "just right" like the doctor recommends and still don't do as well as they would like.

Please forgive yourself and instead of looking back look at each day. I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS! I have many sleepless and tearful nights too. But we are not perfect and do the best we can.

My heart goes out to you. You are struggling with such heavy issues and such pain. If there is anything we as a group can do, we are here for you.

Dear Annemarie,
i am so sorry for the loss of your children, I had no idea. That in itself is hearbreaking.
I don't take your response as challening, Everyone has there own opinion and that is just mine. I am not judgemental and don't think your way of thinking is wrong, maybe mine is, I actually enjoy hearing others take on things it opens me up to re-evalute mine, so thank you for sharing.
I wish I was more prolific in wrtiting and could give you something to make you feel better. So when someone is hurting and I don't know what to say, I just give them a hug, so here is one for you. oooo take care k

You are right. I try not to keep going over it but sometimes I just over it and over it and over it. I have such trouble forgiving myself. I feel as if I have brought on some of my own troubles for being so pig headed. Sometimes I really hate myself. All I could think about was losing my hair instead I lost a lot more. I make myself pay and pay and pay everyday.

I remember when I was a young child and would yell, "redo" when playing a game I was not winning. That is what I want to do now but it is no longer a game. I just feeli like yelling redo at the top of my lungs hoping that it will change things. I am just a broken woman. Monday I have to get a scheduled brain MRI. God I hate living this was. I always feel like I am tempting fate saying I am NED.