Irene From Tampa

[IRENE FROM TAMPA]

Sorry I've not posted for a few days, but they've been both evenful and tiring.

Irene's birthday was a happy day...yet sadness was lurking. So many friends and family members came with best wishes and happy hearts that at times the air was filled with happy laughter and friendship. Tears of both joy and saddness could easily be found.

The hospital had to ask the overflow to contain themselves when in the hallway. They've been nothing but hardworking, understanding, caring and kind during the entire ordeal and I want them to know that its recognized and taken to heart. It takes a special heart to remain strong amongst such trying circumstance - yet these people can do it.

Irene's white blood cell count had dropped below 1 - so surgical masks and antiseptic soap were required by all. Her counts havent been this low since the stem cell transplant.

We hope to bring Irene here tomorrow. Hospice didnt show up yesterday so our meeting was delayed by an administrative snafu. So I hope to meet with them this afternoon...hopefully time enough for them to get the necessary equipment to the house.

The girls and some friends are coming over today to help take down the Christmas tree and decorations which have remained in place since the house was evacuated about a month ago. Its odd to be walking amongst gift packages and alike that bring only an odd sense of detachment and sadness.

Its early Sunday and I'm at home.
I came here yesterday evening to organize things a bit but simply ran out of gas and couldnt make the drive back. Andrea was good enough to bring me some necessary medicine so I could remain.

I'm totally exhausted yet cant find sleep in my own bed. I dont know whats to come of the future, but I foresee cold seas and I'm a tired swimmer. Best I keep thoughts to a minimum.

As I often do, I ran through my picture albums of better times...but must admit I'm crushed and they didnt have the desired affect. Hopefully next time.

I updated the Caring Bridge phote album with some more pictures of Irene during happier times and with good people.

Be well and all my love - John

[IRENE FROM TAMPA]

From Irene's Caring Bridge website:

Tomorrow Irene comes back home....to a spotlessly clean house. The girls, Irene's brother Paul, his Soul Mate Liz and the irrepressible Erma cleaned this house of dust of the ages. The dust of some dinosaur fossils were found...just before being sucked up into the vacuum cleaner!

Truly : they deserve serious praise for their hard, extensive work. For the honor they paid Irene.

Michele & I met with a Hospice representative at the hospital in the afternoon and arrangements were put into motion. Necessary equipment will be delivered before noon - then sometime in the afternoon I'll be dropped at the hospital so I can ride with her back home. She's coming home.

I found loading up the car with things from Irene's hospital room difficult. Over the years I'd wheeled cartloads of flowers,
clothes in plastic bags, luggage & medical supplies...from many of Irene's hospital rooms, but something was different this time...something undefined.

Until it hit me: it was the flowers.

These flowers would be different. Irene wouldnt be getting well this time and "suggesting"where I should plant them. Irene wouldn't be healing and tending to them months after...or being certain I did. Irene wouldn't be there to put cuttings into a table top vase and light up the room. It was the flowers. These flowers had no home and I found myself crying while filling my car with them.

There's so many things about this turmoil that simply destroy me. I see others struggle as well...but sense they have a better grip and I'm both puzzled and jealous. I know I'm suppose to find peace...find understanding in that she'll be in a better place...at rest...when this war finally ends...but my heart and mind simply aren't on the same page. They cant find accord...and I cant find peace.

Before leave leaving Irene for the night, I spoke to her.
The nurses had recently roused her...causing her to open her eyes. Andrea spoke to her Mother lovingly and Irene's face relaxed into peace fullness...her eyes closed contentedly as she listened. Then I told her how much I loved her and asked her to have sweet dreams: "to dream of Italy...to remember
Cortona...Kay & Ed....Fernando & Giovanna...dream sweet dreams darling...remember Italy." A tear formed under her eye which Andrea wiped away. I'll always remember that.

Before leaving the room I stopped and returned. Pulling some paper from my suitcase, found the prayer: Stay with me Lord - and read it to her. If she should pass during the night...if should she should pass in my absence...I wanted my last words to her to bring her comfort.

Although I've never felt such anquish before...and I hope never to again...I want to do this right. I need to do this right. I want her to know I love her...and that it was done right.


John


ps - theres some new photos in the album.

[StephN]

John -
Thank you for opening your heart here and showing all the spirit the family and friends are pouring forth in these gut wrenching days.

You are " a prince of a guy" as my dad would day.