Life seems to be about losing

[IRENE FROM TAMPA]

That you and your hubby had a better day yesterday.

Sheila - I know exactly what you speak of and what you are feeling.

My sig. other and I just came through very similar situation. He became very distant with me, became depressed and we are currently going to a therapist to try to help us. The therapist mentioned that I am handling things better and I am the one with the cancer. As men do, they keep their feelings inside, unlike us women who can handle situations differently - Venus & Mars you know....

He has dealt with my illness for so many years and has been there for me but this life with cancer is like a yo-yo and I guess it started taking a toll on him. He feels he can not "save" me and is torn up with this thought.
I told him he did not "need" to save me, just be there for me. I guess with so much emphasis on my illness, I am sure that he felt tossed aside. He has never said this but I need to start considering him more. We are doing much better and I am incouraging him to "talk" to me more about his feelings. I was also going to check on finding him a support group for caregivers, which might help him to speak to others in the same situation.

Sheila - sorry for going on so long but I just wanted to share my story with you in hopes that you will feel a little bit better in knowing that you are not alone and that this WILL get better for you and your hubby. Just in what you both did yesterday, laughing, crying and talking TOGETHER is the road back for you both. To reconnect..... I am reading a book at the moment which talks about how different men are then women and how they perceive things in their lives. Boy, we have our work cut out for us.. lol

Email me any time you wish to just chat. I am very good at listening my friend.

Take care and hope thinks continue to get better for you both. AND IT WILL.

[madubois63]

Sheila - You've gotten some AMAZING advise, but let me add that you can call CancerCare too. They have volunteers that will drive you. One person can drive you, and one person can pick you up. Please don't feel like a burden to everyone. When you get better, you can volunteer and help someone else. When I first got sick and had to leave my job, money was nearly non-existent. Christmas was so sad for me, but a local church came through and brought us presents and food. Another organization bought coats for my kids and more presents. I cried and cried because I felt like I was taking advantage. Then I remembered that I have given to so many organizations over the years, and this was my pay back. I had danced for 24 hours, walked miles and miles for this or that and even stayed awake for nearly a week (I did hallucinate) to raise money for battered women. Right now, I just do little things as pay back. If someone needs a dollar, I give. If a woman walking with four kids needs a ride, I drive her. If a newbie writes me in the middle of the night, I call her. You need to do this one thing to help your husband and yourself. When you were driving yourself, it was easier for your husband to forget (or put aside) the thoughts of loosing you. Watching it must be horrible. And this past weekend was very important. You have to make the effort to put cancer on the back burner for a few hours and be people. I am so glad you had that time! Make more of it. Please remember cancer HATES the sound of laughter.

[Mary Anne in TX]

What a powerful thread! Thanks Sheila, for your honesty & willingness to begin it! And it's great news to see that you two have turned this thing around! Warrior power!

I sure do think cancer is about losing things....like breasts, security, hair, energy, some friends, etc.
But, I've lost some really great things too.....like:
the need to try to please everyone
the desire to be like everyone else
the fear of my family not being there for me (this was huge!)
the desire to have things others have
trying to do it all...thinking everything is My Job!
believing house work comes first
and thinking cancer is the worst thing...I've decided I'm really a very lucky girl (I think that's easier for me to say cause I'm 62 OR maybe cause cancer has made me finally grow up for real!)
I think for me the bestest thing about cancer has been learning to celebrate every single day and all the small wonderful things God put in this ol' world...most of all people like all of you!
I'm working to lose some more stuff this week...I still slip into the control stuff/having to know what's coming. Gotta get that one licked. It sure can rob me of the Good Stuff!
Not having any alcohol to finish (family FULL of alcoholics) yesterday I found a way to make having chocolate brownie for dessert a way to "finish" my lunch!
Love to all, mary anne

[TriciaK]

I read all of this thread for the first time tonight, and it has been so very touching. Sheila, I have found all your posts to be outstanding---your wonderful personality really comes through. Truly you are an Amazon warrior! You have gotten such wonderful, empathetic responses from everyone. I hope you know how loved and appreciated you are by all of us on this website. I have just one thing to add: One of the biggest differences between men and women is that men have an innate need to "fix it". They especially feel that they should be able to solve all the needs and problems of the one they love most and feel most responsible for, their wives or their significant other. When these problems are as difficult and demanding as fighting cancer is, a man feels totally helpless and frustrated, as if he is failing as a man. A frustrated, helpless man is often an angry man. One of the best ways to deal with this is to empathize with him by using feeling words, such as "Are you feeling frustrated and helpless because you can't fix this or solve this problem for me?" And let him know you don't expect or need him to fix it or solve it---just to listen and be there and empathise. My husband is a psychologist, and he has expressed this feeling of helplessness about not being able to "fix" my health problems. Even though we both understand his frustration, it is still there and he needs reassurance from me that it's okay, that I appreciate his wanting to solve my problems, but I don't need fixing as much as I need his love and support. I don't know if this is helpful to you, but it does sound as if you two have finally been able to share some feelings. True communication is on a feeling level, heart to heart and spiriit to spirit. This kind of communication comes more naturally to a woman, because men are often more left brained and logical. But they can learn to share on a feeling level, and a wise woman can gently teach him how to do this by being patient, loving and appreciative. Not always easy when you are fighting cancer! Thank you for sharing so much of yourself on this website--I know everyone who has read this post and others you've shared has felt of your strong spirit and is praying for you! Hugs, Tricia

[hutchibk]

Tricia - I just love your posts... please drop your wisdom on us more often. I am always so interested when I see that you have responded!

Of course, I am interested to read everyone's posts, but Tricia doesn't grace us as often with her wisdom... and I love to read her perspective.