How do you feel during the holidays?

[Faith in Him]

Most of the time I feel very thankful to be celebrating the holidays. Sometimes I feel guilty for still being here since I had such a bad prognosis to begin with. Other times I am sad for even having bc.

How do you feel? Or how do you cope?

[Laurel]

What an interesting question. I feel thankful to feel better this year than last. I appreciate life.

The hustle and bustle gets a bit stressful and overwhelming. I am trying to time manage, and fit fun in among the work.

I do not think you should feel guilty for surviving. Hasn't it been difficult? Haven't you fought for your survival? Rejoice and be thankful. You have much to give to this world.

[sassy]

I enjoy the holidays more, because I don't stress nearly as much. My husband and I decided two years ago to swear off gifts lists. We won't ask for one from anyone and we won't give one either, much to our family's consternation. We'd much rather give and receive "gifts" than exchange "what to buy me" lists! Now I enjoy shopping and giving a true gift! Before BC, I don't think I would have done this.

Please don't feel guilty for surviving---it's our goal---so achievement is victory.

[Mary Jo]

Hi Tonya....What an interesting post. One I think we can all relate to.... to some degree or another.

I just lost a dear friend to cancer a few weeks ago. I remember visiting with her for the last time while she was dying. I remember feeling "guilty" or maybe a better way to state that is to say that I wondered why. Why some survive and why some do not. My conclusion..........we are all terminal. Some just don't know of "what" yet. None of us are getting out of this life alive. We will all "pass away" and it's just a matter of when. For the time being.....we are here to love and be loved. We do what we must to be healthy and "live" while we are here. So, no reason to feel guilty. You are here because you are suppose to be here. You have a purpose. We all do. So keep up the "fight" girlfriend...until your Lord calls you away.

I think I enjoy the holiday's more now than I use too because I now focus on the tree meaning and try to let the rest go......no always so perfect families........the hustle and bustle.....money etc. I focus on loving...sharing.....and being all God wants me to be. That brings me peace and helps me stay in a joyful place way more often than before breast cancer.

Love and blessings Tonya...

Mary Jo

[SoCalGal]

I am always glad to be here still, happy that this year all the kids came home, including my nieces, so my family table will be full and that's so wonderful....BUT....but...there is always a small part of me that wonders if this will be the "last", will this be the one that my kids all remember as the last?

[ElaineM]

I am very happy to be here for another holiday season. I started a little shopping. I will be cooking with my neighbor on Thanksgiving. I always put up a Christmas tree and do a little decorating. I exchange gifts. I am planning to have lunch with two friends over the holidays. Then I will attend a party and do church on Christmas. I haven't decided about New Years yet.

[Sherryg683]

I love holidays and being aroud family and friends and the parties. But I was diagnosed on December 1, 4 years ago and that was the hardest Christmas ever. I had my lumpectomy on Dec. 22 of that year, the flu on Christmas morning and then started Chemo on Jan 3. I don't feel guilty about still being here, I just always feel sadened wondering if I will still be feeling well and cancer free next year. I've had so many people close to me die in the last 5 years that is perplexing to me also as to "why" some do not make it. I guess you can say holidays are a happy, sad time for me...sherryg

[ElaineM]

We can remember the people who are no longer with us in some way over the holidays--------perhaps a donation to a charity in their memory, a few prayers during meaningful times, an ornament on the Christmas tree or in other ways. That way we can carry them in our hearts and remember the good times we had with them, so they can be part of the holiday celebrations.

[StephN]

December 20th, 1999 was my first chemo. My stepson came home from working on his Masters and took me. I did not know how I would feel, but that first Adria did not hit me yet, so I did enjoy that Christmas.

My family treated me sort of with "kid gloves" like I might break or something. But, we all got used to the cancer thing and this Energizer Bunny is shopping and mailing and starting on Christmas cards already.

I echo Mary Jo and Sassy on being a bit less into the more commercial aspect and do as I feel is coming from my heart and sitting back to enjoy the time. Feel the spirit, smell the tree, and reduce the stress. Honey, I'll take that hot toddy now, please! http://her2support.org/vbulletin/images/icons/icon12.gif

P.S. Elaine, I DO have an ornament made by one of our dear departed sisters, that has a place of honor on my tree each year.

[MJo]

I feel fat .... And happy to be here

[suzan w]

Great question!!! And I LOVE your answer MJO!!! I always had trouble around the holidays...bad childhood memories etc. Then when my kids were growing up it was great because it sort of gave me a chance to "do it over the right way!" Then the kids and I lived on opposite coasts for a few years and holidays turned into stress...airports...snowstorms...$$$. Then...breast cancer!!! And I am alive!!! And suddenly I find myself living more"for myself". What a concept!!! I will be working this year on Thanksgiving and Christmas...at Taos Ski Valley. My dear partner, Bette, will also be working with me. We are going to have a small turkey and all the other good stuff. We celebrate together the fact that we are both healthy and strong...we can travel whenever and wherever we want in our groovy Roadtrek camper with all our pets...and visit the kids and grandkids...and our myriad of friends all across this wonderful US of A. Having survived cancer has brought us both to a new awareness of life, love, spirituality that I would not trade for anything!!! Happy Thanksgiving All!!! XO Suzan

[margiermc]

this is how i feel during the holidays - thank you, I am Alive!

I do not feel guilty at all for surviving. Being a bc survivor is an inspiration - not, something to feel bad about, if you do go outside look at a beautiful tree, sky, bird, nature - it's calming, good for the soul.

Last year I was on chemo for every holiday. Started 11/01/08 and ended 01/23/09.

I look at my family and say, I need to be here for them.

This holiday will be the same as the other's, I worked, I'm a teacher, today (Wed) I am volunteering at the local soup kitchen with feeding the homeless. We have families with children homeless, living in the woods, our community did an outreach program to feed the homeless, I'm blessed with a home, and want to help other's who don't have one, after all living in the woods, with a couple of kids is not something I'm familiar with, but must be a tough life.

The next day, Thanksgiving, I am cooking dinner and eating with my two kids, husband, mother, sister, and brother inlaw.

On tv, I will have on Fox News 4pm ESt, Kaliedoscope will be on with Olivia Newton John, Dorothy Hammil, Scott Hamilton, Peggy Flemming, and other cancer survivors, skating, singing and them celebrating Life as a cancer survivor.

On Friday, we will go to a tree lighting ceremony in downtown Tampa, beautiful victorian village, carolers, horse and buggy, hot chocolate, everyone singing, and the tree lighting. And, we get to bring our dog - they dress the dogs up to the like they are having a night out of the town. Then we drive around the Tampa bay, the scenery of mansions on the water is absolutely georgeous.

We always go to this tree lighting with our son's girlfriend's family, yes all 6 of them 5 of us pile up in a the car's, and enjoy our annual night out after thanksgiving. It is our tradition for over 6 years.
And, my best friend (my son's girlfriend's mom) mom is Muslim, so I went to her feast in October, so she shares my tradition with my family- we are very close, and different religion, Im' catholic, she is muslim, but always there for one another and share holidays together.

I will not think about bc - I'm taking a bc daycation and celebrating life with my 89 year old mother, 18 yr daughter, 19 yr son and husband.

Don't be stressing over your blessings, Count them, they are all there.

At my husband's job - a secretary dropped down, dead at age 61.
They were in shock, this happened two weeks ago. She was healthy, walker/jogger, eating healthy, in shape, worked full time, very active, no diseases, she felt tired after walking with a friend, went home, laid down, never woke up.

We are here ladies, chatting on this computer - stand up, smile, get some positive energy, if there is any and say, thank you for this day.

Happy Holidays to all,
margie from sunny florida (raining today)

[Patb]

I also feel very happy to be alive but I am more
selfish with my time and have learned to say no
to so many useless things I used to do. If it inspires
me, I do it, if it tires me, I don't. No apologies, and
sometime people take this the wrong way but its
just being true to me.
patb

[chrisy]

I feel grateful - appreciative, yes. thankful, yes. I do not take life for granted any more.

I also feel sadness and fear - and like Flori I wonder if this will be "the last". (I honestly thought last year would be "the last"). So I guess that makes me want to make it "the best". I'm actually more mellow than I've been in the past - maybe I'm finally learning to appreciate what is important. nah, I'm probably just tired.

Like Mary Jo, I do not feel guilty about being alive - but I do wonder why I am still alive when so many other people who loved life just as much and fought even harder are not. I've learned to just wonder about out it and trust that God has his purpose.

The next few weeks, I expect to feel stressed...because of all the time commitments I have compared to the amount of time available. Having said that, maybe I can work on stepping back and focusing on what is most important.

[Faith in Him]

I enjoyed reading all of your posts. It is interesting how each of us deals with the holidays.

I am reminded today that I am very blessed. I am still learning how to balance things out in my new life. It's been almost three years but I guess I'm a slow learner.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Tonya

[Becky]

Dear Tonya

You are not a slow learner because if you are, I am outright disabled. I think it all depends on how you think about Holidays in general and your role in them. I am the one who does Thanksgiving and Christmas Day. I also do Easter (because everyone else but us travels), so for me, its hard. I even said that for Easter next time - we are going out. Also, I have always found Christmas as a hard time no matter what.

I did chemo during all the holidays 5 yrs ago (including my birthday) as I had chemo Oct 25 - Jan 31. That about covers it. Even though I got relieved of Thanksgiving that year, I resumed for Christmas as Taxol was not as hard on me as AC. So I am also reminded of chemo during this time too.

Holidays are not thrilling for everyone so for some on this board, they're great and others, not so great and I guarantee you that they had some of these feelings way before cancer came.

The only sage advice I have is to enjoy them now as your children are young. That really made the holidays for me. After they are older (my youngest is 18), it is not as exciting. I loved that Santa excitement!

Most of all, holiday or not, I am grateful and thankful to be alive and doing well for one more year.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

[tricia keegan]

I definatly enjoy holidays more since I had bc, just knowing I'm still here and healthy and enjoy my family and the simple things all the more.
I do relate to the guilty feeling a little too, I've lost a few friends I was diagnosed with and wish they were here still also.
I don't think it's guilt so much as sadness and maybe frustration that some are taken too soon and we just don't know why.
I always think of these special friends at holiday also:)

[Soccermom]

Struggling with depression and so many life changing events this past 5 years..I am not working at the moment and will appreciate NOT working Black Friday in retail at 4 AM this year!
With appreciation for you all!
Marcia

[Chelee]

I loved, enjoyed and looked forward to the holidays when I was young. But as I got older...even long before bc I found the holidays very difficult and just wanted to get them behind me for lots of reasons.

The holidays are even worse now since my bc dx. I was dx 12-05. And I found the lump mself in November of that year which put a major damper on my holidays. It turned into biopsy, mastectomy, labs, chemo, endless appts, etc. You all know the drill. Felt bad for my family having to deal with this because of me. It about killed my Mother watching me go through this. Then I get through my first year of trt and my Mother got dx with advanced lung cancer and I rallied around her to help her through it. (We were so close and here we were dealing with cancer nightmares together.) I watched her go from a bit strong woman to nothing in a years time & pass away...oh how I miss her.

And here it is the holidays again and I was told of my recurrence in Sept. and all I've done it see doctors and sit and try to make the best decisions and pray they are the right ones? I'm back to feeling like I don't know if this will be my last year and I hate it. I know my cancer is on the move but yet have to wait for this hip to heal...it's so frustrating. So in saying all that the holidays aren't very exciting for me. I'm just sitting here alone today. It was great when I was young and we have BIG family get togethers. I have alot of emotional baggage I guess you could say around this time of year...again...it started long before the bc. (Although that didn't help any.) But I'm thankful to still be here and I just continue to pray I'll be here next year too...along with everyone else on this board.

Chelee

[Jackie07]

I was home alone - one of the very rare occassions. I had turned down my Chinese Church Thanksgiving Dinner invitation because we were going to my Father-in-law's. I did not go with hubby last weekend because I wasn't feeling well. I turned down again yesterday to ride with his niece who's attending school in our town because I still wasn't feeling well.

I woke up just past noon today and felt terribly 'lousy'. Voice was coarse (had had speech therapy after the 1990 brain surgery)and my body was aching all over. After I had contacted my friend telling her that I did not go out of town and was feeling terrible, she told me she's coming right over.

20 minutes later she showed up at my door and brought me the turkey/ham dinner and trimmings in two 'to-go' boxes. Since she had not finished her lunch yet, we did not chat much except the 'Thank you' and 'Don't mention it'. She told me while she's walking out of the door that she's going to bring me some fresh 'Daikon' (a 'white' radish resembling a huge carrot - supposedly having cancer-curing power, especially its leaves which is usually trimmed off when sold in the grocery store) from her yard another day.

Thought about the late Father Robert Ronald's lectures on how to cope with disabilities. 'Peace' is to accept who you are with/without your disability; 'peace' is to accept help when you need it; 'peace' is to appreciate life and the relationships in it. 'Peace' is knowing that you've done your best and not to regret...

I wish everyone here a 'peaceful' weekend. Happy Thanksgiving.

[ElaineM]

I am not sure if this is the correct thread to share this, but I would like to tell you about my Thanksgiving. I was watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and starting to prepare some food for today when the phone rang.
It was my oncologist calling !! I wished him a Happy Thanksgiving and wondered why he was calling on a holiday. I thought "What's up?"
He asked me if I was going to be home in about an hour, because he wanted to stop by. I said, "yes" still wondering what he was up to. I gave him directions to my apartment and promised to meet him in the lobby of my building since it was his first time here and my apartment is not the easiest place to find. I thought I could go and stand on the street and look for him if I didn't see him in an hour.
He came by with his little daughter and presented me with a bouquet of flowers, an apple pie and some French bread. We sat and chatted about other things besides my health and played with his daughter for about 30 minutes. He said he just wanted to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving before heading off to dinner with his wife, children and extended family. I shared the food with my neighbors since we had already agreed to share our food this Thanksgiving. I put the flowers in my big vase and placed it in a place where I can see it from every direction in my tiny living room.
My oncologist and I don't always agree on everything, but he has always been a very nice person and I am still alive and kicking, so we must be doing something right.
I am thankful to have some nice doctors. My favorites are my oncologist, my naturopathic physician and my dermatologist. I also like my former oncologist who now lives in Asia. We still keep in touch by e-mail at his request.

[StephN]

Hi -
We know there are a lot of good-hearted people "out there." I would expect a friend or church member to bring food, but my oncologist??

Elaine, maybe that is the difference between living on a tropical island and a big, cold, busy, spread out city! Such a nice experience to share with us! http://her2support.org/vbulletin/images/icons/icon12.gif

[tricia keegan]

Elaine, how amazing!!!
I'm speechless!!!!

[Faith in Him]

I can't even imagine my Onc doing that. Thanks for sharing that story with us. He's a keeper.

Tonya

[Chelee]

Elaine, Since I officially have the onc from he$#...I have to dig down real deep to even imagine any onc doing that on Thanksgiving. To me...that speaks volumes about your onc! I think he is a keeper. :) Thanks for sharing your story...I think I'll cut out your post and hang in up in my onc's office when she isn't looking. Maybe that will help her get a clue. lol

Chelee

[Lori R]

Hi all,
After being out of town for a week, visiting my husband's family...I just couldn't wait to see what I had missed on the board.

Thanksgiving was wonderful as I too feel that the gift of BC has been to heighten my awareness about what really matters. I enjoyed all of the children at the celebration (even when screaming and running laps around the house), the efforts of my neice to host a beautiful dinner at her house for everyone, the fact that my 87 year old mother in law is healthy enough to attend and participate.

5 years ago...I would have been mildly annoyed and not FULLY enjoying these gifts. So....thank you BC.

But....in the evening as I closed the door to our bedroom, removed my wig, removed my eyebrows I became very sad.

Definately had a few moments of pulling myself up by the bootstraps to remember what is important. Certainly isn't hair and eyebrows.

Happy belated thanksgiving to everyone. I'd be so lonely without all of you.

Love....Lori

[Cal-Gal]

Hi all-

Having mixed emotions--

Of course deep gratitude for 'Today' as that is all we have--is NOW--

This is my 'first' holiday season as a survivor--

Last year-(diagnosed Nov-Dec last year)--I spent the entire holiday season being overwhelmed with the decisions that we have all had to make when being dx--made the decisions and had surgery in Jan--

So again--mixed emotions--

Love and blessings to all ----

[harrie]

For me, I think my bc experience has given me a more meaningful perspective for the holidays. My mastectomy/reconst happened just before Thanksgiving of 2006 and I was still recuperating as Christmas approached. 3 days before Christmas i flew back up to CA and had my oophorectomy. Came back home to HI on Christmas day. Being that I was unable to do the "normal" preparations, my husband and kids ended up doing all preps that I would normally do (tree, dinners, etc) I was shocked!! I usually plan it all myself!! We skipped all the gift exchanges, cards and just had the most meaningful Christmas together and it was a jolt back to what the real meaning of Christmas is all about. I do believe that was one of the best Christmas i ever had.

[Mary Jo]

Amen Harrie!

[ElaineM]

Hey everybody,
I have been reading your posts in this thread and the thread I started about virtual Thanksgiving. Sharing our holiday experiences, feelings and memories has been wonderful.
Here is my suggestion
Let's have a holiday open house around the campfire !!
Feel free to drop by whenever you want to rest, pray, share memories, warm up, share food, decorate, celebrate whichever December and January holidays you celebrate. You will never feel alone at the campfire. It is our very own virtual retreat center !! I think Bill must be finished with the potty by now, so we shouldn't have to worry about that !!