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07-12-2009, 08:33 PM
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#1
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: san luis obispo, ca
Posts: 1,150
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I didn't Want You
I didn’t want you
But one day you came anyway.
I hated you at my very core
You slept in my breast anyway.
I hugged myself and tried not to cry
My pillow case was soaked anyway.
I wanted to wash myself clean of you
I smiled when you left anyway.
I went about my life and willed you to go away
You haunted me anyway.
I never wanted to hear your voice again
You called me anyway.
I saw you again and tried to stay calm
I threw up anyway.
Herceptin lost 71 to 85 that game
Guess you thought you won anyway.
You were charmed by my innocence
You tried to take it anyway.
My confidence and strength inspired others
You crippled me anyway.
My smile stopped you dead in your tracks.
You overran me anyway.
I thought you were harmless
You hung to me anyway.
You tried to take my life away from me…scarred the deepest part of me
I am living everyday anyway.
I am loving life anyway.
__________________
Love and Hugs, Vickie
Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass,
It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Feb 04 IBC IIIC/IV er-/pr- her2+++
3/04 TCH X4
7/ 04 MRM 9/04 Taxol/herceptin wkly 1 yr 33X rads
11/04 skin mets 33x rads,10/05 Avast/Herc. 11 mos.
8/ 06 PET mets lymphs, neck
9/ 06 Navelbine/herceptin
11/ 06 PET NED
2/ 07 skin mets, 4/07 Xeloda, 5/07 add Tykerb
2/ 08 Tykerb failed. Doxil /Herceptin 6 months
8/08 PET skin mets, 8/08 Abraxane/Avastin
11/ 08 PET prog., skin mets
1/09 PET/CT progress, 1/09 Ixempra, 2/09 add Xeloda and low dose Naltrexone
2/09 off Ixempra/Xeloda
3/09 navelbine/herc/cytoxin 4/09 PET shows regress.7/09 start Topotecan. Failed.
8/09 extensive mets rgt brst, back and torso. starting Pazopanib clinical trial.
Last edited by vickie h; 07-13-2009 at 03:06 PM..
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07-12-2009, 09:08 PM
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#2
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Senior Member
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 3,142
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I didn't Want You
Beautiful !!!!!!!
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07-12-2009, 11:21 PM
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#3
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Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Southern, CA
Posts: 2,511
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Vickie, That really moved me to tears. I can relate to every part of of your poem. It is deep, & also beautiful.
Chelee
__________________
DX: 12-20-05 - Stage IIIA, Her2/Neu, 3+++,Er & Pr weakly positive, 5 of 16 pos nodes.
Rt. MRM on 1-3-06 -- No Rads due to compromised lungs.
Chemo started 2-7-06 -- TCH - - Finished 6-12-06
Finished yr of wkly herceptin 3-19-07
3-15-07 Lt side prophylactic simple mastectomy. -- Ooph 4-05-07
9-21-09 PET/CT "Recurrence" to Rt. axllia, Rt. femur, ilium. Possible Sacrum & liver? Now stage IV.
9-28-09 Loading dose of Herceptin & started Zometa
9-29-09 Power Port Placement
10-24-09 Mass 6.4 x 4.7 cm on Rt. femur head.
11-19-09 RT. Femur surgery - Rod placed
12-7-09 Navelbine added to Herceptin/Zometa.
3-23-10 Ten days of rads to RT femur. Completed.
4-05-10 Quit Navelbine--Herceptin/Zometa alone.
5-4-10 Appt. with Dr. Slamon to see what is next? Waiting on FISH results from femur biopsy.
Results to FISH was unsuccessful--this happens less then 2% of the time.
7-7-10 Recurrence to RT axilla again. Back to UCLA for options.
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07-13-2009, 06:19 AM
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#4
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Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Morris, IL
Posts: 3,507
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Vickie, That poem was amazing...you deeply touched my soul this morning...thank you!!!!!!!!!
__________________
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
Hugs & Blessings
Sheila
Diagnosed at age 49.99999 2/21/2002 via Mammography (Calcifications)
Core Biopsy 2/22/02
L. Mastectomy 2/25/2002
Stage 1, 0.7cm IDC, Node Neg from 19 nodes Her2+++ ER PR Neg
6/2003 Reconstruction W/ Tissue Expander, Silicone Implant
9/2003 Stage IV with Mets to Supraclavicular nodes
9/2003 Began Herceptin every 3 weeks
3/2006 Xeloda 2500mg/Herceptin for recurrence to neck nodes
3/2007 Added back the Xeloda with Herceptin for continued mets to nodes
5/2007 Taken Off Xeloda, no longer working
6/14/07 Taxol/Herceptin/Avastin
3/26 - 5/28/08 Taxol Holiday Whopeeeeeeeee
5/29 2008 Back on Taxol w Herceptin q 2 weeks
4/2009 Progression on Taxol & Paralyzed L Vocal Cord from Nodes Pressing on Nerve
5/2009 Begin Rx with Navelbine/Herceptin
11/09 Progression on Navelbine
Fought for and started Tykerb/Herceptin...nodes are melting!!!!!
2/2010 Back to Avastin/Herceptin
5/2010 Switched to Metronomic Chemo with Herceptin...Cytoxan and Methotrexate
Pericardial Window Surgery to Drain Pericardial Effusion
7/2010 Back to walking a mile a day...YEAH!!!!
9/2010 Nodes are back with a vengence in neck
Qualified for TDM-1 EAP
10/6/10 Begin my miracle drug, TDM-1
Mixed response, shrinking internal nodes, progression skin mets after 3 treatments
12/6/10 Started Halaven (Eribulen) /Herceptin excellent results in 2 treatments
2/2011 I CELEBRATE my 9 YEAR MARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7/5/11 begin Gemzar /Herceptin for node progression
2/8/2012 Gemzar stopped, Continue Herceptin
2/20/2012 Begin Tomo Radiation to Neck Nodes
2/21/2012 I CELEBRATE 10 YEARS
5/12/2012 BeganTaxotere/ Herceptin is my next miracle for new node progression
6/28/12 Stopped Taxotere due to pregression, Started Perjeta/Herceptin
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07-13-2009, 08:29 AM
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#5
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: san luis obispo, ca
Posts: 1,150
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Sheila, Chlee and Elaine, Thank you for you support always. I was lying in bed when I wrote this, watching a few plump, small brown birds play in the trees outside my window. I have so much hope for all of us.
I love you all,
Vickie
__________________
Love and Hugs, Vickie
Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass,
It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Feb 04 IBC IIIC/IV er-/pr- her2+++
3/04 TCH X4
7/ 04 MRM 9/04 Taxol/herceptin wkly 1 yr 33X rads
11/04 skin mets 33x rads,10/05 Avast/Herc. 11 mos.
8/ 06 PET mets lymphs, neck
9/ 06 Navelbine/herceptin
11/ 06 PET NED
2/ 07 skin mets, 4/07 Xeloda, 5/07 add Tykerb
2/ 08 Tykerb failed. Doxil /Herceptin 6 months
8/08 PET skin mets, 8/08 Abraxane/Avastin
11/ 08 PET prog., skin mets
1/09 PET/CT progress, 1/09 Ixempra, 2/09 add Xeloda and low dose Naltrexone
2/09 off Ixempra/Xeloda
3/09 navelbine/herc/cytoxin 4/09 PET shows regress.7/09 start Topotecan. Failed.
8/09 extensive mets rgt brst, back and torso. starting Pazopanib clinical trial.
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07-13-2009, 08:50 AM
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#6
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: San Antonio, TX
Posts: 2,357
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along with your hope, you have a courageous, wonderful heart! Thanks, Vicki! ma
__________________
MA in TX.
Grateful for each and every day....
Diag. 12/05 at age 60
Stage II, Grade 3, 4.5 cm primary tumor
ER/PR- Her2 +3 strongly positive
Her2 by FISH 7.7 amplified
vascular invasion
Ki67 20% borderline
Jan - March '06 Taxotere/Adriamycin X 3 to try to shrink tumor - it grew
April '06 Rt Modified Radical Mas, 7 of 9 nodes positive
April - Aug. '06 Herceptin/Taxol/Carboplatin X 8 (dose dense)
Sept - Dec. '06 Navelbine/Herceptin x 8 (dose dense)
Radiation & Herceptin Jan. 22 - March 1, 2007
Finished Herceptin Dec. 10 '08! One extra year.
Port removed August, 2012.
8 1/2 years since diagnosis! 5 1/2 Years NED!
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07-13-2009, 09:40 AM
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#7
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Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,486
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Vickie,
Your poem was very eloquent. You are truly a warrior.
Amelia
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07-13-2009, 11:11 AM
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#8
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Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Central Coast, CA
Posts: 3,207
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Wow Vickie.
__________________
Chris in Scotts Valley
June 2002 extensive hi grade DCIS (pre-cancer-stage 0, clean sentinal node) Mastectomy/implant - no chemo, rads. "cured?"
9/2004 Diag: Stage IV extensive liver mets (!) ER/PR- Her2+++
10/04-3/05 Weekly Taxol/Carboplatin/Herceptin , complete response!
04/05 - 4/07 Herception every 3 wks, Continue NED
04/07 - recurrence to liver - 2 spots, starting tykerb/avastin trial
06/07 8/07 10/07 Scans show stable, continue on Tykerb/Avastin
01/08 Progression in liver
02/08 Begin (TDM1) trial
08/08 NED! It's Working! Continue on TDM1
02/09 Continue NED
02/10 Continue NED. 5/10 9/10 Scans NED 10/10 Scans NED
12/10 Scans not clear....4/11 Scans suggest progression 6/11 progression confirmed in liver
07/11 - 11/11 Herceptin/Xeloda -not working:(
12/11 Begin MM302 Phase I trial - bust:(
03/12 3rd times the charm? AKT trial
5/12 Scan shows reduction! 7/12 More reduction!!!!
8/12 Whoops...progression...trying for Perjeta/Herceptin (plus some more nasty chemo!)
9/12 Start Perjeta/Herceptin, chemo on hold due to infection/wound in leg, added on cycle 2 &3
11/12 Poops! progression in liver, Stop Perjeta/Taxo/Herc
11/12 Navelbine/Herce[ptin - try for a 3 cycles, no go.
2/13 Gemzar/Carbo/Herceptin - no go.
3/13 TACE procedure
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07-13-2009, 11:13 AM
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#9
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Guest
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Wow
What a powerful poem and so beautifully said. You speak for so many of us today. I truly loved reading it. It brought tears to my eyes and left hope in my heart.
Laurie
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07-13-2009, 11:21 AM
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#10
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Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 437
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Vicki, this is beautiful.
__________________
Linda
Dxed Stage IIIC May 05, 12 pos nodes
er/pr -neg,Her -pos
LVI
Right partial mast & partial axillary dissection-June14,2005
Right modified mast-no clear margins- June 30, 2005
DD AC x4
Taxotere X4 with Herceptin
Rads x 35( 5 fields )
Left prophylactive mast( atypia & hyperplasia found ),
put on Tamoxifen x 1 yr; D/ced due to endometrial thickening
bilateral recon (saline implants)May 06
Nipple recon July 06
metformin 2010
removal of implants due to severe encapsulation, insertion of gummies 2013
Reclast Q yr
NED!!!
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07-13-2009, 11:39 AM
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#11
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Guest
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Vicki, Can I have your permission to copy this and take it to my support group in Alabama?
It took my breath away and I would love to share this with others. You are truly a gifted writer and a brave sister warrior. I came on to this site today feeling hopeless until I read your lovely poem. You have inspired me to keep going. I can't thank you enough.
Hugs, Laurie S
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07-13-2009, 11:41 AM
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#12
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Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Naples FL
Posts: 1,744
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Thanks for your beautiful poem, Vickie. As I look out at the Pacific Northwest drizzle...called "mizzle" here, mist+drizzle=mizzle, I will go out and do a little dance in the rain!!!
__________________
 Suzan W.
age 54 at diagnosis
5/05 suspicious mammogram-left breast
5/05 biopsy-invasive lobular carcinoma with LCIS,8mm tumor,stage 1 grade 2, ER+ PR+ Her2+++
6/14/05 bilateral mastectomy, node neg. all scans neg.
Oncotype DX-high risk
8/05-10/05 4 rounds A/C
10/05 -10/06 1 yr. herceptin
arimidex-5 years
2/14/08 started daily self administered injections..FORTEO for severe osteoporosis
7/28/09 BRCA 1 negative BRCA2 POSITIVE
8/17/09 prophylactic salpingo-oophorectomy
10/15/10 last FORTEOinjection
RECLAST infusion(ostoeporosis)
6/14/10 5 year cancerversary!
8/2010-18%increase in bone density!
no further treatments
Oncologist says, "Go do the Happy Dance"
I say,"What a long strange trip its been"
'One day at a time'
6-14-2015. 10 YEAR CANCERVERSARY!
7-16 to 9-16. Extensive (and expensive) dental work done to save teeth. Damage from osteoporosis and chemo and long term bisphosphonate use
6-14-16. 11 YEAR CANCERVERSARY!!
7-20-16 Prolia injection for severe osteoporosis
2 days later, massive hive outbreak. This led to an eventual dx of Chronic Ideopathic Urticaria, an auto-immune disease from HELL.
6-14-17 12 YEAR CANCERVERSARY!!
still suffering from CIU. 4 hospitilizations in the past year
as of today, 10-31-17 in remission from CIU and still, CANCER FREE!!!
6-14-18 13 YEAR CANCERVERSARY!! NED!!
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07-13-2009, 12:51 PM
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#13
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Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Sheboygan, WI
Posts: 2,582
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I loved that Vickie...thanks for taking the time to post it. It speaks to all of us and truer words could not be spoken.
Peace to you...
Mary Jo
__________________
"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
Dx. 6/24/05 age 45 Right Breast IDC ER/PR. Neg., - Her2+++ RB Mast. - 7/28/05 - 4 cm. tumor Margins clear - 1 microscopic cell 1 sent. node No Vasucular Invasion 4 DD A/C - 4 DD Taxol & Herceptin 1 full year of Herceptin received every 3 weeks 28 rads prophylactic Mast. 3/2/06
17 Years NED
<>< Romans 8:28
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07-13-2009, 12:55 PM
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#14
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Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: TAMPA, FL
Posts: 568
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Vickie - your poem says it all
It is beautiful - thank you so much for sharing it
__________________
Irene from Tampa
1996 - INFILT DUCTAL CAR.W/ LYMPH NODE INVOLVEMENT. ADRIA/CYTOXIN/5FU
1999 - RECURR. TO AUXILA AND 2 TUMORS IN LIVER
TREAT: STEM CELL REPLACEMENT/HERCEPTIN.
2002 - RECUR TO LIVER
TREAT: NAVELBINE, THEN GEMZAR, THEN XELODA.
2004 - TUMORS STILL IN LIVER
TREAT: RFA TO LIVER
STABLE UNTIL
2004 - TUMOR PROGRESSION IN LIVER.
TREAT: RESECT HALF OF LIVER.
2005 - RECURR TO LYMPH NODE OUTSIDE OF LIVER.
TREAT: TAXOL/CARPO/HERCEPTIN. FAILED ON
THIS TRIO. STARTED ON ABRAXANE.
2006 - PROGRESS WITH 2ND TUMOR GROWTH.
TREAT: AUG. BEGAN ON TYKERB/XELODA
TRIAL. CONSIDERED STABLE TO DATE.
2007 - TAKEN OFF OF TYKERB/XELODA TRIAL DUE TO
PROGRESS STARTING TYKERB/AVASTIN.
NOV 2007 - SCANS SHOW PROGRESS TUMOR GROWTH
IN ABDOM. AND TWO NEW TUMORS IN NECK AREA.
BEGAN HERCEPTIN/AVASTIN/TAXOTERE
Feb 08 - Ixempra/Xeloda
June 08 - Her/DM1 trial
"I WANT TO BE AN OUTRAGEOUS OLD WOMAN WHO NEVER GETS CALLED AN OLD LADY. I WANT TO GET SHARP EDGED & EARTH COLORED, TILL I FADE AWAY FROM PURE JOY."
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07-13-2009, 01:09 PM
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#15
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Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Bayarea,CA
Posts: 679
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Hi Vickie,
I loved you poem. It is such stark truth about all of us on this journey!
May God bless you with a long life and full of smiles.
hugs,
shobha
__________________
DX: 06-30-2007 - left breast -stage IIIB, Her2/Neu 3+++, ER weakly positive, PR-
Taxol+herceptin weekly for 3 months
FEC+herceptin every 3 weeks for 3 months
BRCA 1 and 2 - Negative
Jan 2008 - Bilateral mastectomy, prophylactic Rt. side.
Radiation for 5 weeks
Completed my yr of herceptin on 07-14-2008
Brain MRI - 3/2/09 Clean
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07-13-2009, 03:06 PM
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#16
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: san luis obispo, ca
Posts: 1,150
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Thank you all my brave and wonderful sisters.
I wouldn't be here without all of your love and support and compassion, especially your prayers.
You mean the world to me, literally. I have yet to encounter a group of human beings filled with such an outpouring of love.
I truly love you all, now and forever.
Vickie
__________________
Love and Hugs, Vickie
Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass,
It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Feb 04 IBC IIIC/IV er-/pr- her2+++
3/04 TCH X4
7/ 04 MRM 9/04 Taxol/herceptin wkly 1 yr 33X rads
11/04 skin mets 33x rads,10/05 Avast/Herc. 11 mos.
8/ 06 PET mets lymphs, neck
9/ 06 Navelbine/herceptin
11/ 06 PET NED
2/ 07 skin mets, 4/07 Xeloda, 5/07 add Tykerb
2/ 08 Tykerb failed. Doxil /Herceptin 6 months
8/08 PET skin mets, 8/08 Abraxane/Avastin
11/ 08 PET prog., skin mets
1/09 PET/CT progress, 1/09 Ixempra, 2/09 add Xeloda and low dose Naltrexone
2/09 off Ixempra/Xeloda
3/09 navelbine/herc/cytoxin 4/09 PET shows regress.7/09 start Topotecan. Failed.
8/09 extensive mets rgt brst, back and torso. starting Pazopanib clinical trial.
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07-13-2009, 04:49 PM
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#17
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Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: indianapolis, indiana
Posts: 1,544
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loved the poem!
__________________
dxd 9-04, lumpectomy,
st 1, gr 3, er,pr-, her2 +,
2 tac,33 rads,6 cmf
1 yr herceptin,
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07-14-2009, 09:51 AM
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#18
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Guest
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Just Beautiful, Vicki!
Randi
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07-14-2009, 12:12 PM
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#19
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Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: St. George, UT
Posts: 582
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Your poem is beautiful, and speaks for all of us. I needed this message today! Thank you! Hugs, Tricia
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07-17-2009, 09:45 PM
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#20
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Guest
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This site is new to me as I am with another bcmets support group, but I saw your posting here and thought it to be a sum of what we all have gone through. Very insightful and encouraging.
Ruth from Canada
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