Touchy subject here

Sherryg683 · 07-15-2009, 08:34 PM

Ok, I am going to ask my Her2 sisters about this. It's not the cheeriest of subjects. My husband and I have been getting along dreadfully for the longest and I am sick of it. I am tired of his anger issues and yelling. I feel like I am pretty much stuck in this awful hell because I have never worked and need his medical insurance. Being a stage IV and having life long herceptin and regular scans, I could in no way get the care that I get now in the charity hospital here. I have a young daughter and I have to stay alive for her till she's grown. After that I may say "screw it" and leave. Has anyone else faced these issues and how do you handle them. Other than that, I have remained healthy and am blessed ..sherryg

Believe51 · 07-15-2009, 09:03 PM

Oh Lovey, I am so sorry that you are dealing with such issues. Seems to me that fighting to beat breast cancer is hell all by itself and should exclude you from any other fighting. I do not have the advice you seek but I am sure someone, somewhere does. I send you a hug and let you know I wish I could be by your side.

What I do know Sherry is that when we face the most challenging parts of our lives and feel doomed, look into your heart for it holds the answer. I think the most difficult part of this is when children are involved. Whatever you chose I have faith will be what is best for all parties involved. As for the medical, Ed lost his when he was unable to work. Besides some of the hoops we had to jump through, he has gotten the care he deserves....and this is Rhode Island!! The rest will work through somehow, it always does, sometimes though, it is not easy.

You are a lovely person Sherry and someone who has fought so hard to conquer cancer. I believe you deserve peace and happiness at the least. Only beauty and love should surround you today and always. I pray for the clarity you will need to see this through. I know your strength and feel that given time you will do what is best. Remember to include what you desire and deserve in life to help you with any decisions you may have to make. Here is to you making the choice that will bring you the gifts of life that you are entitled to. I love you.>>Believe51

PS: If you need reinforcements let me know, lately I am a force to be reckoned with!! (smiling)

Cal-Gal · 07-15-2009, 09:06 PM

Dear Sherry,

I am single and dealing with this cancer nonsense by myself-so I cannot give advice as to what to do about a spousal situation--

I will however send positive thoughts your way that you have the strength you need to remain NED-healthy and strong for you and your daughter.

I do know that as trite as this sounds, I do believe that everything will work out for you. I wish for you to be NED for many years to come so that you can enjoy not only your child but your grandchildren too--(they are a blessing--I am 53 and have 7 grandkids!!!!)

My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

ElaineM · 07-15-2009, 09:35 PM

I am sorry to read your news Sherry. I don't know anything about dealing with cancer and family issues at the same time, but I think Joe posted something about disability rights recently. If you can look for that post and get the website address and check to see if they might have something about family issues and disability.
Is there someone (nurse or other professional) at your doctor's office or hospital who can suggest someone you can talk to in your area--------like a social worker or counselor who might be able to suggest resources in your area or help you and your family in other ways.
You mentioned you did not work outside your home. I wonder if you can still apply for social security disability?
Then after two years you would probably get Medicare.
Good luck. Hugs to you.

SoCalGal · 07-15-2009, 11:17 PM

I would say you should get a private consultation, pay in cash, with a top notch divorce attorney and see what your options really are. Write down a list of questions and buy an hour of someone's time.

Have you tried couples counseling? It can be quite helpful or marriage encounter weekends? You have built a life together and did vow "till death due us part". If you can salvage your marriage that would be the best for all. A long term marriage with kids, divorce is so much more than the breaking up of two people. It is a ripple in the center of a pool (your kids, family and friends) and the ripples are felt by many. This ripple effect affects even your community.

I will be supportive of whatever path you walk, just wanted to say that wishing to be divorced is gravely different than going thru that divorce and watching it rip up your life and the life of your kids.
Flori

AlaskaAngel · 07-16-2009, 07:30 AM

I very much admire the simplicity and dignity of your post.

Thank you to Joe and Christine for providing a place where diverse and friendly discussion about sensitive topics is so aptly provided.

If you have access to visit a support group for people dealing with spousal abuse, consider going to that source, even if only to see whether it offers you meaningful help for deciding what things others have learned in that situation. You can choose whether to continue to explore that avenue or not, but the key is to explore possible alternatives. Feeling blocked in not knowing how to make things better in your life is not helpful in dealing with breast cancer. Consider opening some new doors even if you decide after looking in and listening a bit that some of them aren't what you are interested in. Support groups (like this one) who are going through what you are going through are priceless, not only in terms of refuge and solace but in terms of new friendships and perspectives.

AlaskaAngel

07-16-2009, 08:23 AM

check with lawyer in your state, but you can probably legally separate without a divorce and remain on his health insurance.

And if there is health insurance reform, hopefully you (and everyone else) will be able to get an individual policy even in the event of a divorce (or unemployment or any other change that forces any of us off a group policy) - if that happens, you could try to get payment of the benefit as part of a property settlement.

Mary Jo · 07-16-2009, 08:41 AM

Sherry, I'm sure it took a lot of courage to post this here. I'm glad you did. Your feelings are real and if you are unhappy you are unhappy.

I would ask if you and your husband have really sat down and discussed, in depth, what's on your heart... his as well. Does he know you'd like to end the marriage? Does he? Possibly he's feeling as unhappy as you are and you are both masking your true feelings?

Sherry, I pray you seek good counsel before you end your marriage. Coming from a divorced home (in which my parent's definitely should have divorced - cheating - alcoholism etc) I can attest to the fact (as Flori said) it is no walk in the part for the children. If you and your husband do decide to go ahead with a divorce, I do pray you both work together, civally (spelling?) for the sake of your child.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be incredibly sad each day to carry on with a heart that is heavy and unhappy.

Praying you feel guidance as to where you should turn and what you should do....

Hugs and love,

Mary Jo

MJo · 07-16-2009, 08:48 AM

I think the idea of seeing a good lawyer is great. Also, a legal separation which will keep you on his insurance, give you a chance to apply for disability, try living apart, etc. I hope your husband will be reasonable (!).

suzan w · 07-16-2009, 08:53 AM

Even though it has already been said, I agree that a good attorney should be able to make sure that even if you do split with your husband, because you have never "worked" (although it is so unfair that Moms don't get credit for all the "work" we do!), that you should be able to maintain your lifestyle for the most part, especially as far as health insurance goes. My english teacher just spoke to me from the beyone about my run-on sentence!!! Good luck! Living in an unhappy place is not healthy for you or your kids.

Shobha · 07-16-2009, 10:06 AM

Dear Sherry,

Your situation is a difficult one and for the sake of your young daughter you do need to stay alive for many more years! For this you do need a good insurance and your children will have a very difficult time if you get divorced.

The only way to deal with an argument or someone yelling at you, is to NOT react...walk away for a few minutes. Make sure you cannot hear what he is saying otherwise you will be provoked into responding. This is by no means a trivial task, but try to practice this and it will reduce your stress and slowly he will calm down too.

The idea of seeing a marriage counsellor is good. Like Flori said, wanting to get divorced and actually going through a divorce are very different.

As always my prayers for you to find peace and harmony at home. This cancer battle is hard enough and you should not have to deal with this issue as well.

hugs and positive thoughts,
shobha

lkc Gumby · 07-16-2009, 12:26 PM

Dear Sherry, I am so sad to read your post. Why is it that having Breast Cancer can bring out the worst in spouses, and sometimes relatives?
I pray that you somehow can resolve this. (either with him or without )
I have always been thankful, I was not married to my ex when i was diagnosed .He would of walked out cold.
Anyway, I pray that you continue to be healthy, enjoy your little one, and life gets better for you.

ElaineM · 07-16-2009, 09:27 PM

Couples or family counseling might be good. Also can you talk to him and suggest he see his doc for a check up to see if there may be a physical problem causing his stress, anger and yelling? He may not want to go. Sometimes guys don't like to go for check ups unless they are in bad shape.
I might put a little "secret" money aside every week from the household budget (whatever you can afford---even a few dollars a week or throwing loose change in a jar that can be hidden someplace might help), which will help pay for whatever I decide to do if I were in your position. That gives a person a few more more options.

Ruth · 07-17-2009, 02:24 PM

Dear Sherry:

What a brave thing to do is come out and admit this. It is such a hard thing to do, I know personally and sometimes in hindsight I wish I had talked about what my prior marriage was all about. I did talk to a therapist but kept all the private thoughts private with family and friends and it was quite a shock for everyone when I decided it was enough and I was done. I was you about 4 years ago and after therapy and lots of soul searching I am now divorced from my Ex and married to Mr. Wonderful! It wasn't an easy road and it certainly wasn't easy on the kids (or anyone) but we have all come out of it OK. Kids are thriving, happy campers and love life. My situation may not be the norm but it worked out for me and we are all in a good place (ex included).
Now about insurance, you legally are entitled to COBRA for 36 months following a divorce. Same health insurance you have now but premium paid by you. However, you can have your husband pay for it in the settlement agreement (my ex is an attorney & I was stay at home mommy). From then on things do become more tricky. What state do you live in? Some states have conversion policies and it doesn't mean that you won't get insurance as long as you don't have a break in coverage of more than 62 or 63 days. That said you HAVE to always pay the COBRA and never let it lapse. I am on a state mandated conversion policy.
Counseling is a great idea because I think in many cases counseling saves many, many marriages. Talking about it really helps and if you are to the point where you don't like him anymore then you really need to go asap to talk to someone. My therapist said that love feelings can come back but liking someone again after not caring is much harder.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this and having cancer diagnosis is enough stress on someone. Divorce is very stressful no doubt but living in a toxic relationship is destoying in its own way. I always remembered that I didn't want my kids to think that my prior marriage was what a marriage was all about. I was worth more than how I was treated. One of my sons said to me a few months ago that he got it now. He understood why and that he accepted it. You can pm me anytime and I'd love to help.
Hugs ~ Ruth

Cannon · 07-17-2009, 05:06 PM

Ok, I am coming with a different perspective. I was divorced 4 years before my bc diagnosis. When I was dx, I was SO grateful that I was already divorced, because my ex is one of those who would have left me (no breasts? what? what about me?).

I had already built other strong relationships, and found support in many places. My ex was a peach during my treatment, cause he likes to be a hero (and though the divorce was contentious, he did not wish me dead, if only for the kids' sake).

My younger son (now 15, 8 at the time we got divorced) was VERY angry at the time, but has adjusted over time. I knew I had to leave the marriage because I could not live in a situation where I was treated poorly and let my kids believe that was ok.

My parents' marriage was very tense, and they separated and reconciled when I was 15. I was angry when they RECONCILED, cause it was that bad. They eventually divorced when I was 25.

IMHO, a bad marriage does no one any good.

A consultation with a lawyer is a good idea. Entirely likely that you could get child support, and alimony. I think other posters are right that to be on his insurance you still have to be married, but I believe you can be on it via COBRA for 18-36 months due to divorce (and who pays for it is something to be negotiated).

It's not me, but I think that if it were, I would be determined to live my best life -- without someone who is adding to my stress.

Best wishes always,
Rebecca

DanaRT · 07-17-2009, 06:45 PM

Dear Sherry, You are getting really good advice here. You may be entitled to more than you realize if you seek out good counsel. Although, I was young I remember feeling relieved when my parents divorced.

Sending good energy,
Dana

Lori R · 07-18-2009, 07:42 AM

Sherry,
Here is one more vote for marriage counseling. If you express to your husband that there are aspects of your relationship that you would like to work on and he agrees to go, that is a HUGE sign that he wants the marriage to work. I would suggest the counseling question rather than a confrontational question such as "do you want to remain married"? (a question a threw out on the table when hurt and frustrated)

My cancer diagnosis caused me to rethink my marriage and I was shocked when my husband agreed to attend. Now I wish that we had pursued this years ago. (OK....this is one of cancers gifts) Turns out a lot of our frustrations were due to poor communication and the way in which we approached each other.

Guaranteed....we could not have worked through some of our feelings without a "referee" to help us keep the discussions positive and loving.

Please ask him...it will be painful at first but I can only imagine the pain of a divorce.

Just another perspective.....Lori

07-18-2009, 01:23 PM

Hello,

I hope you do consider counseling for you and your husband. My husband is my absolute best friend and at one time our marriage went through the ringer. I do believe that going through a crisis defines a person and shows their true character. It is no secret that often marriages crumble during times of illness but at one time you and your husband were inlove you can refind that love. He must want to work on things too. I shudder to think where I would be and where my family would be if I had just given up on my marriage. It would have been the easier thing to do but we got through it. And we are all better for it. We both know how important our family is and that our children are happy and stable. I wish you both well, may God bless you all, alaina

Believe51 · 07-18-2009, 10:04 PM

Sherry, I am just sending you more love today. It was so nice to read all of the wonderful advice from our sisters. I will keep you in heart as you sort things through and make those decisions to improve your lives. Peace to you>>Believe51

Chelee · 07-19-2009, 12:21 AM

Sherry, I'm not sure my situation is as bad...but my husband definitely has anger issues & a bad temper. It's very difficult to put up with at times. I'm on disability & like you I feel stuck! If I left there is no way I could live on what disability pays me...impossible. Plus I'm in the same boat...I'm covered through my husbands insurance, & since being dx with cancer I can't afford health insurance. (I would be entitled to medicare but I really don't want to lose the coverage I have now.) Big difference between the two.

There has been alot of good advice here but if your husband is anything like mine....counseling is out of the question...my husband refuses. He says he does not believe in it. (Just an excuse & it shows me how little he cares.) I use to have an escape planned which was moving back home with my Mother...but she passed away with advanced lung cancer not quite two yrs ago so now I have no where & nobody. I've went through this cancer nightmare all alone. I feel so isolated at times. My husband did alot of yelling through it. I realize he was tired and it isn't easy on him...but having cancer was NEVER on my "things to do list".

Flori's idea of seeing an attorney and finding out what all your options are is one of the best suggestions IMO. To be honest...I've done that in the past...and it did help. I'm in CA so this is a community property state so I would do ok in more ways then I first thought. The divorce attorney I went to had a good reputation & I was surprised that he gave me 45 minutes of his time at no charge. We covered alot of ground in that time & it helped me immensely. That's the best direction to go if your husband will not go to counseling with you.

Also the suggestion to put money away is a GOOD one. I started doing that right before I was dx with bc. Then I felt jinxed...the first time in my life I had a nice stash tucked away I was dx with bc.

It makes me feel good to know it's there...but sad to know I might never get to use it.

My heart really goes out to you Sherry...I'm sure I can relate to some of what you’re dealing with. I've read other posts of yours in the past & was sad to see how similar our husbands sound.

Sending a big hug your way.

Chelee