How can I look more appealing??depressed kat

[kat in the delta]

I feel plain UNATTRACTIVE !!!! One breast gone, big port poking out on other side, shorter hair.....husband looks at me with this terrible disgusting look. I am 5'3''have always exercised, but now a little too thin at 100lbs which i don't mind because I can always go UP! What can I do to get his attention ladies????or men, You'd know !!! I need some HELP in this area..... How in the world can I look a little bit sexy??? --kat in the delta

If your husband thought you were sexy before Cancer it should not make any difference how you look right now. Nobody asks to get Cancer. Just put on a happy face and tell him to kiss your Royal behind. LOL

[Tom]

Dear Kat,

Close the kitchen. After a month's worth of Swanson TV dinners and boiled hot dogs, many men get interested in their wives very quickly from what I've seen and heard from friends. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I suspect an empty stomach will bring him around even faster. If that doesn't work, try a male escort service. Having hubby find a Richard Gere type with washboard abs leaving his driveway as he gets home from work would certainly give me pause. Let us know what happens.

Tom

Way to go Tom

[kat in the delta]

Tom,
I loved your advice, and may do just that. Tell me more. I love hearing from a man's point of view!! You want to go to Paris with me ??? I have a free place, but no free flight?!!
kat in the delta

[Patty H]

I think the cancer really changed me. They took my hair and breast! So I went out and bought big ear rings and 2 wigs. Even now that my hair has grown back, I never leave the house without make up and my ear rings. I was never that type before, but I work hard at not looking sick. I have more clothes now then when I worked and needed them. If I wake up and feel like I have nothing to wear, I go shopping. I always tell my hubby that I'm not leaving our money for his new wife. (just kidding ) I think looking death in the eyes made me decide to do what I want now. To look healthy and alive makes me feel that way too.
Patty H

[al from Canada]

Kat,

Everyone has said it all...especially the part about feeling sexy = attracting sexy husbands. That said, it is also well documented that in most cases, BC will change your sex life.

Here's food for thought, from a male perspective. Remember when you fell in love and everything was a rush? There was so much "ka-bam" back then that I doubt if he would have noticed a missing breast... I know I wouldn't have. You were sexy, not only because you felt sexy (I'm trying to be polite here but think of synonyms for sexy) but also because you were given the permissions to feel that way. Get the ball (yikes) rolling, and get buy-in to go to the next level, which isn't hard to do, (yikes again).

Again, not to be condescending to my male brothers but when you stip away all the layres, walls and posturing; create the setting and his brains will drop down to below his belly button.

How's that for a tactful reply?
Al

[kat in the delta]

Well...I stopped cooking and he just brings home what HE wants to eat, never asking me if he can get me something.-so, NOT cooking has no effect......I don't think I am into calling an escort deal....but I could call some nice looking guys...the trouble is....I think HE would NOT get jealous at all, but he Would think of it as My being Sexy.......HOW do you men think, anyway ?? I could call and go and spend the weekend and he wouldn't care as much as I would......I guess I was brainwashed by the nuns in 1st-8th grades....MORALS ???Should I call someone?? I know a couple of single guys my age or a few yrs older. kat in the delta

[KathyA]

Hi kat. I too was raised and taught by the nuns. I understand your delima. Things sound really unbearable. My heart goes out to you. My first time around with bc my husband asked for a seperation. My reply , "couldn't you wait until I was finished Chemo to spring this on me." He waited. I felt like I should have said OK. The long and short of it was I went for therapy - to see what was happening - how to deal with everything - find out how I feel - what I want - what is best for me. It is best thing I ever did for myself. Find someone you can talk to easily and someone who listens carefully hearing what you say and not what they think. I am very fortunate to have found someone who is able to do this. Things will work out for the best. And that part the nuns said about praying it does help.

Sending warm thoughts, hugs and prayers

Kathy A

[kat in the delta]

Tom,
I need a man's advice or opinion,OR ANYONE HERE to help me......... My husband will not take me Anywhere...I am getting depressed...I am still taking some chemo..and I just cannot get anything organized. To take a bath is exhausting. This morning, He Told me to do something for his friend who just lost both of his parents in less than 3 wks.. I did get a card and wrote a long message in it... I made the mistake of trying to cook them something, and when he got home the kitchen was a wreck...He got angry at me and yelled....HE said I probably made it low fat and it would not be good anyway...and blah,blah....Guess.I should not have attempted to fix a - Thing-- as it Wasted my whole day....and Now night as I will go back into the kitchen to try to clean the MESS I made up.HE will go to HIS bedroom while I go and clean up--gotta go as the computer is in HIS bedroom. I sleep in the room where his dead mother used to sleep. His parents always slept in separate bedrooms and we moved into their old house right before I was detected with cancer..I feel like I am his mother,as she would tell me that his father never really loved her............. I even shiver at times when he is around......I do not like anyone being MAD at me...................I want to die at times, but usually just ask "God to help me" over and over again. I just cannot do everything or anything like I did before this Chemo and cancer bout. Glad you guys are here on this site, and glad I have my dogs here at times like this--(Fang the oldest) is 16 yrs old and I have his baby-"Coyote" and my husband claims her Mama as His dog and lets that dog in his bedroom .................... Kat in the Delta

[geraldine]

Hi Kat, like you I have one breast removed and feel a bit..no, a lot, lopsided...!!
Being divorced and single when this happened to me, caused me more problems than i would have thought...!
I was a very outgoing person, full of fun, loved life and was very confident.
After my diagnosis, mastectomy and discovering, i couldn't have a reconstruction, I found myself unable to get into a relationship. I am not a youngster (54) but I still have feelings. I went out with a really nice guy (dinner, theatre etc) but found myself facing this brick wall that I had built up around myself, and could not get over it
My friend was very patient with me but in the end it was me who ended the relationship.
To let you know how this affects me.... i.e.
When I come out of the shower and see myself in the mirror, I cringe. How then can I get into a relationship, cos I think that whoever sees me like this, will feel the same..
I know this has left me with some personal problems and I try to deal with them, but it is hard.
My mastectomy was Aug 2001. I have been told, because my secondary was on my chest wall 2003, my surgeon would not be happy doing the reconstruction..
How do I feel about it.......... If they dont do the reconstruction then I would rather have my right breasr removed also !!!!!!
I realy feel, losing the other boob would make me feel more balanced and sane. Every time I see my one and only boob in the mirror, it reminds me of my Cancer and how deformed I now am
I am sorry for going on, just feeling a bit down and no better way to express yourself than this forum
God Bless
Geraldine x

[Cathya]

Kat;

You are what you feel!! So, if you feel sexy and interested in your husband he WILL get the message, HOWEVER, if, after all you have been through you are exhausted, feeling uninterested in sex, you will project that too! And perhaps you are feeling angry...I'm not saying towards him....but gee....cancer CAN make one pissed off.....then you might be projecting that as well. Also, he could be feeling angry too...not at you but at the fates that dealt you both this horrible disease NOW. Kat, you must be realistic....you know that answers to your question. Think about it.....and relax. God bless.

Cathy

[tousled1]

I can't be to much help to you since I don't have a "significant other." I've had to go through this alone. My daughter was some help but not the type I needed. I wanted a shoulder to cry on, someone to just give me a great big hug, and especially someone to curl up with at night. I had broken off a long term relationship about 2 years ago.

Thank God I have my grandson! He's only 5 but he understands in a 5 year old way what I've been going through. Everyday he gives me the hugs and kisses that I want. After my surgery he was ever so gentle in hugging me.

Now that I have no breasts I feel like no man would even want to look at me. I must admit it's not a very pretty site. I have no regrets about the bilateral mastectomy since I really didn't want to be lopsided -- especially when I was a D cup. I think I look better with no breasts than just one. I may consider reconstruction sometime down the road but who knows.

I try and maintain a positive attitude and I find that way people around me are also more positive.

I agree with Cathy "you are what you feel" and I look in the mirror and see Battle scars and know my husband could have never done this. BUT in defense of your husband (as with my husband) what I thought was disgust was him being cautious and patient because he was not always sure how I was feeling. They do need to be told what we want, most men cannot guess what is going on with us like our girlfriends do.

[astrid]

Sex is a head game. Like others have said, if you feel sexy you are sexy. Try to get your head right and believe me your husband will be there with you. Think about what makes you feel sexy. Is it visual, it is romance, is it dominance or submission? If it’s visual, find a sexy movie and watch it together in lingerie. If its romance, start a bath with candles (can you take a bath yet?) and invite your husband to join you. If its dominance, seduce your husband. Of course if its submission, tell him what you want him to do. When I first got married I was 92 pounds and my husband thought I was sexy. We have been together for 25 years now and our sex has always been great. We are inventive still. We have had great sex since I was diagnosed. I think the cancer diagnosis has made us closer. We have reevaluated how much we really love each other. I know you love your husband or you would not be worried about how sexy you are. Focus on that and the rest will come. If you need a break right now, that is understandable also. This is a time we can be selfish. No one really knows what we are going through. We are all individual with our own fears. My husband was scared of hurting me at first after surgery. The doctor told him not to shake me, so our first attempts at sex were a disaster. Be patient, if you had good sex before cancer, you will have good sex again.

[kat in the delta]

I still feel like my husband and I are growing furthur apart. He gets angry when I am late getting ready for anything.....I try very hard.....I spent a whole day to get ready to go to hear our son play piano at this nice new Hotel an hour away...I was ready, but he was still negative toward me. HE stays on the computer for hours(4-6)at a time and all night til he turns out HIS bedroom light----He goes to bed early because he has to be there before 7am---and he sleeps with his dog instead of me !! He leaves his mess in kitchen and lights all on for me to clean up and turn off....I'm NOT THAT bad-looking,aside from the shorter hair, a little thinner, 1 breast, BUT I still keep in shape, was a cheerleader in days of old... My past boyfriends have all been successful as attorneys, bank presidents, or filthy rich,etc....HELP HELP HELP---TOM?? any men with more suggestions...I think he may be jealous because I can't get this house organized and I am not working at a job........
MEN, HER2 friends , you are all I have to talk to.....any more suggestions. He makes me feel UGLY..kat in the delta

[Sherryg683]

Go to a Tatoo parlor, someones bound to find you attractive there..lol. Not making light of the situation BUT...The other day my son decided he wanted his ear pierced but needed me to go along to give permission. We went into this wild ass tatoo place where everyone looked freaky. I was dressed in my jeans, tank top and doo rag. I started chatting with the owner who was an older "biker" looking tatooed guy. When it came time for my son to get the consent form signed he told the owner "this is my mom". The owner said "and a HOT little momma she is". I didn't think I had heard him right until my son started picking on me about it later that the "tatoo man was hitting on his mom". I told him "Cory, I am bald that man couldn't be interested in me", my son said "Mom, you'd look perfect on the back of his Harley in that doo rag"...I laughed my butt off and have still been ragging my husband that if he doesn't want me I know a successful business owner (although tatooed) that thinks I'm hot. Also, the guy who works on our pool said he thought bald women were totally hot..lol...he's bald too. Luckily (or unluckily) my hubby is so sex obsessed that he's always interested no matter how I look. I swear that if I die, when I'm in my coffin he's going to tell the funeral director he needs 5 minutes with me alone..lol..sherryg683

[sarah]

Dear Kat,
I agree with many of the other responses that your feelings are due to your low self image. You have to start to think of yourself as special, sexy and beautiful and then that will project to others. You're suffering depression (totally normal) and you have to find a way to get back into life in a positive meaningful way for you.
I doubt very much that your husband is looking at you the way you think. I think sometimes our loved ones are just freaked out by the whole thing, afraid we'll die and confused as to what to do or say for fear of upsetting us and most of us definitely go through mood swings that are hard to handle particularly if we've always been "sweet" natured! Men (and women sometimes) steel themselves against showing too much emotion. Maybe try asking him for a hug. Buy a nice lacy black night dress.
Also think about getting an animal - dogs are very affectionate and couldn't care less how you look! they just worship you the way you are! and then you can take it for walks and get out and meet people, etc. Join a club. do something outside the house. Go to the cosmetic dept and get a make-up make-over.
Reading is another great way to get outside of yourself and funny movies.
So the order of the day is realize how brave and beautiful you are and look in the mirror and say that until you believe it!
good luck, you'll get through this bad patch.
sarah
PS otherwise, check out that tattoo guy!

[MCS]

Dear Kat,


It sounds as if you are really struggling with self image. I just responded to another threat of yours.

Yes. It's tough. Not only are we sick, everyone "sees" we are sick becasue we lose our hair, our face colour is pale, we are tired, worried, we cannot plan on a lot of things in the future, there are tons of bills from every doctor on the planet, there's a lwyas a test to get results that we might not like to hear, there's diet issues, vitamins, medications. We take two steps back and one forward only, always in a mid rut. I lost my job, which for me was a lot of self esteem. You lose friends and others are scared to talk to you.

I hear ya very well.

Sex?! Well, it's just about gone for us, mostly because of my self image. I can't simply relax and feel good on how I look. We are trying to be patient on this. Maybe once i feel a little better about myself, it will come back to normal-hope not loo late for the relationship. I used to get dressed nicely every day for work, now I just have the same pair of jeans and shirt to hang out and can't give myself the excuse to buy anything and certain low neck tops just don't look right either.

Also, this also hits an age where ourselves and our marriage may be changing even without the cancer and that itself would cause the same issues. Dealing with menopause, our bodies are dragging down, teenages at home, emptynesters. It's lots of stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try other things: go to a movie, got to a local inexpensive restaurant you like, plan on some change at home, like garden, carpet, etc.; have a glass of wine at night, plan a short weekend get away. Search web for some news that would be interesting. Maybe he's scared out of his mind also. I would not suggest trying to talk about it. Sorry to the men on the site BUT men don't talk!

Be happy with what you have accomplished Kat. It's a lot. Pat yourself on the back.

XO

MCS (maria)

[juanita]

I'd thought I was looking pretty good other than the weight that I have gained. No masectomy though, so I didn't have that to bring me down. Sometimes I'd wear makeup, but a lot of times I didn't. And my hair has been pretty much unmanageable since it came back after chemo, but now I've got it tamed. Anyway, I've been doing my hair and putting on makeup and everybody has been telling me I look so pretty and so healthy with the makeup on and my hair done. So now I wonder, what did I look like before? Did I look that bad? I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all have different ideas of what looks good. Don't let what anybody says bring you down.