KNOWINGS, Expectations and Assumptions

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

What we see is actually our "expectations" and "assumptions".

It was easy to see the face of cancer when I would look into the mirror. I saw a bald head, no eyesbrows or lashes -- a vacant stare. My tram flap reconstructed breast was no match to my then 50 yr old breast. Scars predominated the landscape. It was a good substitute. I am and was grateful for it, but it had no sensation and that was keenly disturbing.

I consciously chose to see the sewn gashes as war wounds. This is what Victors look like, I thought. I decidedly envisioned myself far into the future. In my family's lives. PRESENT, radiant, wrapped in love and imbued with love.



I could have assumed that the statistics for 4th stage breast cancer, and I would learn 3 yrs later, when my bc was found raging throughout my liver, the newly revealed statistics for HER 2 + (80% as they reckoned in 1998) spelled less than a 15% chance of surviving a year. But I KNEW I would fall in that small group! I was determined to get there. This plus my lobular classification meaning the bc was deep inside me, and was present in several lymph nodes from the getgo, meant my highly aggressive cancer
was even more virulent than anyone had thought.

I lived not in hope, I just sensed that WAS NOT strong enough. I lived in certainty. I know, the audacity. But -- I just KNEW. My Inner Voice told me this was so.

I easily could have allowed these realities govern my conscious and subconscious movements, but I consciously chose instead to BELIEVE that what I wanted "already existed" in another realm of being and I was steadfast in drawing it and calling it to me! That was my job. I was utterly dedicated to it, with every fiber of my being.

I used the power of my carefully chosen thoughts, and images, to state my claim to my desired destiny throughout each day dutifully. I was passionate, tenacious and oddly serenely certain I was living on the high tide of my wish fulfilled!

I meditated daily. The gentle breathing in of life-affirming air through my nostrils, holding it -- as I consciously connected with The Present Moment -- and then releasing the air slowly through my pursed lips, blowing it and all that was negative and toxic away from me, kissing it goodbye was incredibly freeing. Focusing on the intake, the holding and the letting go was key.

I'd follow this breathing (after 5 or 10 minutes) with my vivid memory of one of the most beautiful sights I literally danced in when I was 15 years old, in the Catskills. The sound of the birds chirping, tweeting, trilling. The sound of my hand moving back and forth in the pond as I knelt in the green grass, stroking the water was recalled. The blueness of the sky, the glorious brightness of the sunshine, the colors of the wildflowers, the reflection of the tall think trees in the pond was remembered and revelled in.

Then I would envision myself far into the future at a family celebration. I was there, smiling and laughing, clapping my hands. There was music and everyone was swaying and full of happiness. All that this daily ritual instilled in me, stayed with me throughout the day and brought me immense and utter joy and tranquility! It was all an affirmation of the reality of my wish becoming fulfilled...

CONTROLLED IMAGINATION and ABSORBED ATTENTION/FOCUSED, CONCENTRATED ENERGY are among our greatest tools! With my power of choice, I lingered only in that which was lovely and of good report. Despite the looks I sensed from the docs and the nurses that I was a walking dead woman, doomed. Despite the way friends and others acted with me. Their empathy was apparent as was their sense of helplessness though each gave me their best at all times, and for that I was and remain eternally grateful!

The intensity and force of my mental affirmations would somehow cause the Universe to rearrange atoms and cause the manifestation of such yearnings -- no BELIEFS more than yearnings -- to me.

I sensed that surely my negativity and sense of defeat would do the same. Intuitively, I KNEW that self-fulfilling prophesies were/are real!

The bad thoughts and visions that would occur, of course, I would emphatically consciously choose not to dwell on them -- or give them power!

My attitude permeated my thoughts which led to my spoken words and my daily acts and resulted in living each day with a sense of joy and harmony. I vowed to remain loyal to my Beliefs and my sense of certainty. My Inner Voice guided me to the wisdom of this.

I "assumed" that I would prevail, and I lived each day in that powerful KNOWING.

*Knowings* are enlightenments that wordlessly lie within you …

They await your Awakening. Eons of wisdom dwells within you...

A KNOWING is an intense sense that something is so, beyond all hesitation and doubt, regardless of scientific or legal affirmation. I leave my words to all who wish to Know -- to REMEMBER what they never knew they knew.




Your reality echoes that which you "assume". I KNEW this. So I was strict about allowing certain assumptions to rule my life. I BELIEVE that we are each the Master of our Fate!

I took my attention away from what I feared and gave it to what I wanted. I didn't resist my fears, I renounced them. I didn't give my fears any power nor my time. I forcefully directed my imagination. You give beauty for ashes when you concentrate your attention on things as you would like them to be rather than on things as they appear. You give joy for mourning when you maintain a joyous attitude regardless of unfavorable circumstances. I chose to maintain a confident attitude instead of succumbing to despondency. I believe that I AM is glorified when your highest concept of yourself is manifested.


I discovered that my own controlled imagination is in fact my saviour.



I chose not to concentrate my energy and power on things that were useless or destructive. I focused on the ideal I wished to attain. And so I experienced a happier and I think nobler life as a result of pruning my imagination.


WITH LOVE AND LIGHT,
ANDI

[Ceesun]

Andi, I so love what you have written here. Many years ago, when I became stage 4 with a lung met, I read about a woman who survived 7 years with one and another who was alive after 11. I could not even wrap my head around that. But here I am, 8 years with lung mets, and although I hate that, a lot of good living has gone on during this time! My hubby often says picture what you want, and then cope with what you get. Thanks for giving us so much on this board, Andi!!!!

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Thanks, Ceesan. Always great to hear from you, all these many years! Your husband is a very wise man. Picture what you want. Cope with what you have. Deal. Respond, don't react. Be thoughtful. Use the power of your thoughts!

So so so glad you are where you are. And yes, cancer has enriched my life, as crazy as that sounds. I have taken a path I otherwise wouldn't even thought to seek. I've met so many wonderful people!!!!! Life is sweet. Enjoy each day.

No one but pp in our position understand the joy of each day! It's a gift. And we appreciate it wholeheartedly!!!

Love,
ANDI

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I honestly think that it's through suffering that we feel most formed. The phrase, "the awful grace of God" has always touched me deeply. It's when we're dragged kicking and screaming that we grow and evolve the most. (Or, we can become bitter, blaming, angry, lost and confused...)

We become deeper and more compassionate as human beings through our suffering. We're taken beyond the routines of life and find we're so much more than we ever thought, I discovered to my surprise. We're stronger and braver than we imagined we'd find! We never would have believed it before!

Facing cancer, the surgeries, the treatments, the potentialities of it all -- is a major ordeal! When treatments end (and for me I mean after 10 yrs of Herceptin, plus all the rest -- you can read my signature) we seem to feel as if we're flapping in the wind. Unprotected. Not so much free as left treading water as fast as we can to stay afloat.

We experience something akin to those suffering from POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER! It's that simple or that traumatic to be more accurate!!


We somehow need to pull ourselves up out of the deep end and try to embrace each day as a glorious gift. That alone is a huge challenge.

I needed an anti-d throughout it all and still. It helps me feel more like "me". The me I truly am, or want to be. At night I need various sleeping aids or I'll be walking the halls till 5 A.M. That's not good! Sleep is essential to healing, repairing and our general wellness, physically and emotionally.

Before cancer I rarely saw a doctor. I didn't "believe" in taking pills. During tx my fav onc told me to take pain relievers, anti-nausea medications, etc. at the first sign of the problem. (I would always wait, thinking it would magically go away.) No! Get out in front of it. My onc told me, That's why we give you these meds! THERE'S NO REASON FOR YOU TO SUFFER NEEDLESSLY! And, I followed his lead.

Daily MEDITATION is also vital -- to give my brain and my body a much needed break! It's incredibly relaxing. I let my Spirit lead my body and my mind to rest in an amazingly blissful state! It's a divine process I treasure.

As we participate in responding to the physical and/or psychic pain, we consciously choose to respond rather than react! I'm a reactor for sure. OH MY GOD. The panic and fear come flooding in. I have to take charge or I get swept away in all those emotions which is a horrid thing to do to myself I now realize.

As I struggled to keep afloat, I sought to be a role model for my daughters -- while facing any adversity in life. Lord knows we all have something mountainous we must trudge over or through! I wanted to arm my children well. And that endeavor served to elevate my task and helped inspire me. The more you give the more you receive is for real!

I felt a part of a sacred journey. I began to see the signs in Life as Messages from the Universe, tucked away in hidden corners. I search for them each day. Life is a treasure hunt. I see obstacles as opportunities (after I stop reacting to each aggravating frustration that naturally pops up all day every day). I see each sunrise as a promise of better days.

We come out of the cancer experience not the same, changed, different. So, I think we need to pamper and nurture ourselves daily. That includes my meditation, the taking of my ridiculously many supplements which are difficult to swallow one at a time, difficult to organize for the week, for the month, and yes costly to purchase. But I believe each is a part of the recipe for prevailing in this venture with every fiber of my being!

Nurturing includes hydrating (8-10 glasses of water a day), taking my prescription meds, seeing all the docs and keeping on top of it all. Keeping copies of all my blood work and every report, for MY records and purposes of careful scrutinizing -- cause no body loves me more than me! And no doc has the time to devote to analyze all my info. I don't take it personally. I just determined long ago to personally participate in my own wellness!

Nurturing includes getting up, getting dressed (makeup, hair, earrings for sure), putting a smile on my face and getting moving. It means eating reasonably well.

At the same time, nurturing means giving of myself with love and generosity of Spirit every day. Being considerate, trying to understand, be tolerant and kind. To try my darnedest not to judge. And most definitely it includes being grateful! I look up and say THANK YOU FOR MY LIFE every single day!!


I believe we need to pour ourselves into helping others and doing what enlivens us, whatever that may be, with zeal and passion.

I'm blessed to be surrounded by lush greenery, flowers and their riot of colors (I love colors!). I am thankful for the multitude of sunshine, lakes, fountains, wind chimes, magnificent blue skies I live amongst. I revel in each lovely frond of each tree as it waves to me in the breeze. I watch the moon every night, and I know it sees me.

I feel connected to it All. I feel my Oneness with every living being and All That Is.

So be good to yourselves, Ladies! Be patient with yourselves. Don't judge yourself so harshly. Be your own best friend. Treat yourself with the love you'd offer your best friend. TAKE GOOD CARE OF "YOU"!!! Always thinking of all of you...

With my love,

Andi

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I've always loved Hemingway's quote, EVERYBODY AT SOME POINT IN LIFE IS BROKEN AND AFTER SOME ARE STRONGER IN THE BROKEN PLACES.

I also know that courage is not the absence of fear. You not so simply move forward ANYWAY.

Peace, also, does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still find a calm place in your heart. Peace in your heart.


Thoughts preclude how we feel. The emotions we experience. So if we consciously choose to focus the energy of our potent thoughts on what it is we wish for, if we therefore live -- not in the hope that what we want will arrive, but rather live in the BELIEF that we have the power to use the Law of Assumption to our benefit -- we will live with love and joy and serenity.

Because we will KNOW with certainty that what we are striving for ALREADY EXISTS and we have consciously chosen to draw it to us with the power of our thoughts and visions.



The people in Boston, on the anniversary of the terrorist attack on the Boston marathon, are stronger, not cowered by the tragic reality. Within seconds people came to the aid of the injured and cleared the road.

One minute they were partying, celebrating as they do annually, Patriot's Day. The April day in 1775 when Paul Revere road through the streets warning that the British were coming. The Revolutionary War followed.

People were willing to sacrifice everything, even dare to die, to leave their children free. They fought for an idea, an ideal! And those who live in Massachusetts remind themselves of this every year as a tribute to democracy and to those who fought for it.



I believe the power of the thoughts of many to win freedom tapped into the Law of Assumption and helped cause it to happen.

I believe we each are empowered with the ability to make what is passionately yearned for in our lives materialize!

May you each find love and joy and peace, health and harmony!

Much love, love much,
ANDI

[IrvineFriend]

Thanks Andi,

I'm not sure if you've read the book or have seen the DVD "The Secret". It's exactly as you described, if you envision the outcome of anything as positive, already know it's a done deal, the Universe will answer and will fulfill that outcome. When we worry about the "what if's", then the Universe it only hearing the negative thought, and will fulfill the negative outcome.

I also believe in meditation, and have found some good guided meditations on YouTube. I need to get back to that in my daily routine. It's very healing.

Love you posts!

-Julie

[KDR]

Thank you for putting so much energy into me, Andi. It means the world.

Love
Karen

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Julie, I haven't read that book, but I can't tell you how many pp say my beliefs are aligned w/it's message.

Yes, we mustn't confuse the Universe or our body with our what if thinking!

Meditation and guided imagery have saved me!!

Thanks Julie nice to hear you like my posts. I always feel connected with you...

Karen, all the loving energy I put into is going to a really good place. I love you, and I admire you. Your tenacity and brilliant mind always awe me.

I love all y'all!!!

[IrvineFriend]

Andi,

I'm really curious. Have you always had this sort of thinking, before your diagnosis? I re-read your posts again tonight because I really believe in what you conveyed in your words. I was going through a very difficult time awhile ago, and I imagined the outcome was a done deal and miraculously, it worked out marvelously (I watched The Secret a couple times a week just to keep focused on that kind of thinking). I'm facing a very big challenge now at work and I tell people at work that I think it's going to go great and we'll be just fine. What I really found in your words is that you live this way of thinking when you said:

"Keeping copies of all my blood work and every report, for MY records and purposes of careful scrutinizing -- cause no body loves me more than me! And no doc has the time to devote to analyze all my info. I don't take it personally. I just determined long ago to personally participate in my own wellness!"

You did not say "treatment", but you used such a positive word!!! A word that we all seek.

Thanks again Andi. Ladies, if you take the time to read these posts above, I believe your life will only be for the better if you try to apply these principles. I believe "The Secret" was a best seller and Andi has condensed it down to something specific to us in our "wellness" journey. I love that I learn so much from all of you and even though my treatments have ended, you teach me a better way of living.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Hi there Julie,

I have always been positive, sensitive, compassionate. Midst a difficult childhood, I would rush to my bathroom and lock the door, sob into a towel (cause my father got so upset when I cried). I would be shaking with sadness and hurt.

A Voice, ?? my Inner Voice, would calm me. It would tell me I was loved and lovable. A good person. I KNEW this but would begin to doubt when being yelled at with horrid words and accusations.

Many decades later, after being dx, reading and evolving, I realized I was always in touch with my instincts, with my KNOWINGS, with my Spirit. It guided and protected me, nurtured me always!

I began to realize that there's the voice in our heads that doubts and chastises, tells us we will never be able to do this or that. It basically torments us. So I now consciously choose to listen instead to my Inner Voice, which to be is our Spirit, created out of divine energy. We are each sacred beings. With a mind and body. We are each spiritual entities with KNOWINGS deep within us that we can access once we become Awakened and Aware. We REMEMBER WHAT WE NEVER KNEW WE KNEW.

We begin to see others as sacred beings, as Souls. Each different, each unique, yet ONE.

Perspective is key, Julie. I did not like going for tx. I knew the side effects I couldn't seem to avoid. But my attitude was always cheery. I smile all the time. I am in touch with holy Spirit, my I AM. And that gives me access to the abundant supply of Universal Love. I open my heart and it floods me. So I become granted with joy and serenity. I am filled with so much, I offer to everyone I encounter. Guess that's generosity of Spirit.

I am filled with caring and am enlivened by helping others. It is one of the main reasons we are here. To learn to love and care for one another.

I'm filled with humble gratitude for my many blessings, even midst the worst of chemo. I felt lucky. Able to walk and talk, feed and bathe myself. (My Mom had Alzheimers for 12 long heart-wrenching years. I'd quickly learned what gifts these small things are that we take for granted.)

I believed -- it could be worse. Which is pretty crazy for a 4th stage cancer patient w/a HER2+ gene! I could be paralyzed (like Christopher Reeve, after that strapping handsome young man in his prime fell from his horse). That was around the time of my dx in '95.

And then I was naturally led to meditation and guided imagery, seeing myself far far into the future in vivid detail. I read that making our Intention and our Expectation clear -- to my body and to the Universe -- would be heard and responded to! I learned the POWER OF OUR THOUGHTS. I had experiences with a debilitating herniated disk that was oozing and causing incredible pain and immobility -- for 2 yrs. Till I met a physiatrist who taught me to see that the more pain we feel the more fearful we become. And then, we feel even more pain. He drew a circle with 3 arrows. I LEARNED HOW TO BREAK OUT OF THE PAIN FEAR PAIN cycle! To see that the worst of the pain came in response to the last thought I had.

It's really difficult to stop everything and remember what you were just thinking! But I did it -- and EVERY single time it was a thought that caused STRESS (from what to make for dinner to I am invalid and I'm only 40 yrs old). I'd been told by numerous docs that I had degenerating disk disease. You only get worse from a degenerating affliction. I walked like a person who was severely handicapped and in great pain! Within 2 wks just this AWARENESS set me free.

I had a kidney stone the size of Texas and it was too large to pass on its own. I was determined NOT to have surgery. My urologist allowed me to try to pass it on my own anyway.

I was shown a plastic replication of our innards. The doc showed me where the stone was (just out of the kidney -- which had brought me to the floor, only able to speak in a whisper and ask for an ambulance -- a thought I'd never anticipated ever). The doc showed me the route the stone had to pass.

When the pain would come it meant the stone was moving -- and that was good!! So instead of tightening up and hampering the movement, I went WITH the pain. I drank 10 glasses of water a day. Strained my urine to catch a sample of the stone for testing. I VISUALIZED, using guided imagery. After many wks I added jumping rope, to jar the stone.

10 wks after my stone came out of my kidney, I PASSED IT! When I brought it to my doc, he grinned from ear to ear and was breathing fast, amazed!!! He was so proud of me. As was I! I did it. (I'd been down to less than 5% chance of passing that stone without surgery.) I just set my mind to it.

So when bc came, I approached it similarly.

Now I am reading Neville's LAW OF ASSUMPTION and he gives me words to explain how I accomplished what I have, including determining -- with the help of surgery/mastec/tram flap reconst, chemo, Herceptin (thank you Dr. Slamon!!!!), meditation, guided imagery, multiple supplements, mantras, self-talk and all I describe in all my threads and posts -- that I would be among the group who were the Survivors.

Oh and sharing with others, hugging a lot, offering myself, vulnerabilities and all, to others -- add that to the recipe to. It's good for you, and good for everyone!!

It's a Julia Child complicated recipe, but it's really delicious!!

I wish victory to all of you!

With Love and Light,
ANDI

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

This is such essential information, ladies. When you can, please give this a read. I had to share...

I'm reading THE UNTETHERED SOUL. A #1 New York Times bestseller.

It begins speaking of THE VOICE INSIDE YOUR HEAD. So it immediately got my attention. I KNOW not to listen to that voice. I'm sure I've mentioned that. I consciously choose instead to go with my heart, my Inner Voice at my core, what I call Spirit.

The author, Michael Singer, explains "you have a mental dialogue going on inside your head that never stops". Can you relate?!

He examines the voice, urges us to get to know it better.

It's you who's talking and it's you who is listening. Hmmm... "When the voice is argues with itself, who is it arguing with? Who could possibly win?..."

Your Truest Self witnesses the never-ending diatribe. YOU are not the voice in your head. That voice seems to dictate how you are going to feel emotionally about what's going on. It judges what happened in the past and what might go on in the future. Full of "what ifs". That voice causes a commotion. When there's a buildup of nervous, fearful or desire-based energies inside, the voice becomes extremely active.

The voice in your head narrates the world for you. That makes you feel more comfortable.

You're free to express whatever thoughts you want. Do you know you have an override button??? This inner world is under YOUR control. Perspective is key. I say -- use that Awareness wisely.

Instead of simply assessing, judging, complaining, fearing -- you can consciously choose to calmly LET IT PLAY OUT... Step back. Become The Witness. Detach. Observe. Hold on...

We're all accustomed to using that dialogue in our heads to deal with what's causing us to lose ourselves in the an outer situation. But we can awaken to new ways of being!

You can live in your mind. Or you can live in your heart. Aligned with your Spirit, which is a sacred entity and occupies and holy space.

Watch your problems rather than becoming lost in them. You will get nowhere fast if you are lost in the energy of a problem! That will only succeed in making you more anxious, scared or angry.

The main problem is how you react. Consciously choose instead to respond. Own how the situation affects you inside. Reboot. Rule your inner domain.

You can stop talking to yourself about yourself all day. In silence you can become still, "stand on the threshold of a fantastic inner journey".

"The source of all worry, distraction and general neurosis can
become the launching ground for true spiritual awakening."

Singer called the voice in your head "your inner roommate" who will never be happy and will always be a problem. Notice the inner disturbance. You are not the disturbance. That voice is.

Your inner roommate won't want to cooperate. It has something to say about everything. Resist feeling hypnotized by that incessantly droning voice. Your roommate never shuts up.

"...realize you've been locked (inside your head) with a maniac!" That makes you tense and uncomfortable for sure.

There you are trying to live a peaceful, meaningful life and you're stuck with a roomie who could freak out at any moment. That voice makes a melodrama out of everything.

It jumps from one subject to another, chattering neurotically. Once you stop and notice this -- you will want to be free!

Your inner roommate is your psyche. "Did you turn off the light downstairs? You better go check. Not now, I'll do it later. I want to finish watching the show. No, do it now. That's why the electric bill is so high". Singer helps us see the non-stop conflicting dialogue that we actually live with.

Get as far away from this disturbed person (your inner roommate) as you possibly can. I know it's stuck in your head. So if your inner roommate were an actual person you'd probably learn to ignore them. They could drive you nuts! See how often this person changes their mind, how conflicted they are on so many subjects, how emotionally overreactive they tend to be?? You wouldn't put up with a friend who gave you so much bad advice and caused you to suffer so often.

You can't trust that voice in your head! Fire your inner roommate. Hold it responsible for all the trouble it causes. Get rid of that troublemaker. Free yourself. Only YOU can do that.

Your will is stronger than the habit of listening to that voice.

Do this "as if your life depended on it, because it does", Michael Singer informs us wisely.

Otherwise your life is not your own. It belongs to your inner roommate, the psyche. "This is your life -- reclaim it".

To me, "will" equals Spirit. Let it empower you.

I am loving this book, THE UNTETHERED SOUL...

ANDI

[IrvineFriend]

Andi,

Again, thanks for a great "Cliff Notes" of this book. I especially loved this ...

"Get as far away from this disturbed person (your inner roommate) as you possibly can. I know it's stuck in your head. So if your inner roommate were an actual person you'd probably learn to ignore them. They could drive you nuts! See how often this person changes their mind, how conflicted they are on so many subjects, how emotionally overreactive they tend to be?? You wouldn't put up with a friend who gave you so much bad advice and caused you to suffer so often."

The "you'd probably learn to ignore them" which is so true! We're so hard on ourselves, almost like as humans we're programmed to be SO hard on ourselves and then others. I'm looking forward to reading this ... hello Amazon (again). Sometimes I'm envious of my cat. She wants something she cries and gets it. Then takes a nap. I walk her, pet her, play with her and make sure all her needs are taken care of. But I never ask for my needs. How easy just to say to my partner "you know what, I really don't want to cook tonight, let's get sushi and swim in the pool" and not justify it with all the various reasons I DESERVE to do this. I was on the edge recently and realized so what if I'm not super woman. I would rather be happy and emotionally healthy. Your posts hit me so hard because of how on the edge I was feeling emotionally and feeling defeated in this thing called life.

The aftermath/feelings after chemo I think are very real. Even guilt that I'm still here and others (my inner voice says are more deserving) are not. Thanks again!

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I think, we're not so hard on ourselves -- the voice in our head is! You'll never be able to do this or that. You will fail. I (IT) doesn't have a good feeling about this or that. That voice taunts and torments us. And we listen. Cause we MISIDENTIFY OURSELVES.

WE THINK WE ARE OUR MIND. WHEREAS WE ARE A RADIANT SPIRIT FULL OF EONS OF WISDOM, EMPOWERED WITH OUR CHOSEN THOUGHTS.

WE'RE EACH A SPIRIT -- WITH A MIND AND A BODY. SO WE CAN HAVE OUR HUMAN EXPERIENCE. AND LEARN BY FEELING EMOTIONS WHICH CAN BE DOWNRIGHT CRUSHING!

THEY CAN RUIN A PERFECTLY GOOD DAY. Until we learn to take charge! That happens when we evolve to the point of being able to align ourselves with the sacred entity within us -- OUR SPIRIT OR SOUL. As we do we begin to feel our ONENESS with All That Is and All Who Are.

That alone makes us feel joyful. And serene. Full of Universal Love, empathy, a calmness rare to find.

Many say next time they want to come back as their pets. They just naturally seem to live in The Present Moment. They love unconditionally and we love them unconditionally. They are quick to forgive and forget. They comfort us when they sense we most need it. And we cherish and care for them.

But we must also pay attention to "our" needs. If "we're" not taken care of we become depleted. We just have so little left to give!!

My kitchen has been officially closed for decades. I no longer cook. I hate to cook. I did make brisket for Passover, as it is a tradition in our family and a food I am actually requested to make. My cranberry relish and my turkey stuffing are also favs it seems. But otherwise, I am not a very good chef. It makes a mess and I hate to clean it all up after working so hard. I put my heart and soul into what I try to create, and it's exhausting. Sometimes not appreciated. I'm make good scrambled eggs and french toast. Not much more.

When my husband asks, as he does every single night, what are you making for dinner (it is his little joke), I ask him what he is making. He's retired!! We can take turns. No??? I am never amused by his nightly prodding. But, I still don't cave.

Once in past months I made roasted chicken covered with onions, cause I had it at a restaurant and loved it so much, as did my husband. I thought, that's easy enough to season and through in a pan. And so I did. Cause I felt like it...

My husband in many ways would like to be married to a 1950s woman who is dedicated to catering to him. I love him, for 49 yrs, but I'm not cooking. Just how it is. I do take on a womanly role in many other ways... Because it pleases me to do so. Knowing he takes care of me in so many ways over so many decades.

For yrs, I didn't cook b/c I was working on my book. Too drained to think anymore... Now, I'm just so darn wonderfully busy, doing my things. Mentoring, sharing, inspiring, and yes, still working on my book. Checking in with FB and HER 2 and my e's and sending bday cards, anniv cards, condolence cards, caring for my 3 beloved pups.

I am always ready with an assortment of places to eat at (covering a wide array of pricing from sandwich at the local deli to early bird specials at some of our favorite places). If I mention Chinese -- my husband's face lights up. I save that one in my back pocket...

I have wine at home to keep the dinner bill down. Annoying but it's my "sacrifice". LOL...

If you feel like a swim in the pool, if that's what you're hankering for -- I say go do it. Indulge. Be good to you!

Julie, I love your words. And I am sorry you have such a hard time coping with the aftermath of bc tx. It's common, if that's any comfort. It just is.

I tell myself, you're a grown woman, a Warrior extraordinaire, a hard worker, a loving companion full of interesting conversation. You needn't justify your desires at this point in your life. I offer each of you, my Sisters, the same advice...

I don't know how some women do it all. But I do know some pp NEED to keep moving at all times. It's how they are. It's simply not how I am. I like quiet time. Time to myself. Time to write. Time to be... To ponder and meditate and emerge with refreshed perspectives!! That's what works for me.

I love who I am. I love who you are, Julie. I really love all my Sisters. I admire you all and am constantly awed by you in fact...

You are doing a fabulous job being YOU. You are alert and strong, brave and determined and you need to love the person you are, the person you truly are more than you do! Stop beating yourself up, please.

Drop the guilt trips. The poor me. The overachieving urges. BE.

Survivor's guilt is a real thing. I genuinely mourn each of the losses I have sustained, Sisters who have had to stop fighting. I KNOW they have passed on to another realm of being. I miss them with all my heart. I still love them, but I also know THEY STILL ARE... Death is not the end of our story!

And we are still here b/c we are meant to be. B/c we have things we still need to accomplish, in accordance with our contract with the Universe, which we made knowingly before we agreed to this lifetime. I grieve the loss of each and every one, some astonishing deeply, but I do not feel any guilt for surviving. Guilt is a waste of energy. No place for a person to dwell. It's a useless emotion. It serves no purpose. Whereas YOU can and do serve many purposes!

So we have to get over ourselves, I suppose.

Let the I AM within you take charge of your destiny and help you determine your actions... Know that your Spirit is with you to guide you, protect you, nurture you, love you, help you to grow and evolve with every moment. YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!

Teachers and Guides surround you. We're each empowered...

Love,
ANDI

[Carol Ann]

Andi, I LOVE what you wrote!! THANK YOU!!

Carol Ann

[FLfrost]

Andi your words are spiritual medicine, thank you. I also believe in meditation it is what will put me to sleep when nothing else will. I'm just beginning the journey with this nasty Her2 beast your words were what I needed to see.
Much appreciation,
Joanne

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Welcome Joanne!

You've made a wise decision joining this group. Lots of information, personal experience, wise input, super classy ladies...

Geez, I'm reading your signature. You had a long run being stable.

So you knew you were HER2 in '99??? Did they test for it then? I recurred from '95 in '98 and I had to specifically ask to be tested for HER2. My husband and I had been reading all things bc, and friends would let me know what they learned.

A new primary? Hmmm... Different... B/c they discovered the HER2 factor??? Forgive my need for clarification. Trying to wrap my head around this.

Yikes! I had taxotere and after 2 mnths they added H, wanting to be sure taxotere was working...

And for me, Taxotere was hell. Still we have a love/hate relationship. It helped save my life. And it nearly killed me. Way back in '98 they gave Taxotere 4 wks on and 2 wks off. I stayed on for 9 mnths.

I don't think it's done that way any more...

I wish you an easy time, ZUMOKATO TOKU! Good that you're armed! (Was it Denise that turned you on to the Chemo Ninja Canser Assassin????) I adored her so. I still think of her and send her my love and greetings often!!!

I'm here if you have any questions, Joanne. Wish you weren't hit again!!! But I know we're all here for you...

Thank you for your kind words to me. I love being spiritually nurturing. It is so healing. Glad you are connected with meditation. That's a major key. A strong contributing factor in the recipe for victory!

Love,
ANDI

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I'M SO EXCITED TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU ALL! This is all about ENERGY...


Every movement, every emotion, every thought = an expenditure of energy. Okay, I knew this.

An infinite amount of energy is available to us. I've read this.

But what I learned last Thursday is that -- IT EXISTS IN A WELL DEEP INSIDE US!

I was dubious. I am always fighting for energy. I live with an open heart and an open mind, but I find it difficult to tap into the Universal energy source.

Now, I'm thinking, WAIT, the source is inside me?????

When it's flowing strongly, we can actually feel it coursing through us in waves!

THE ONLY REASON YOU DON'T FEEL THIS ENERGY ALL THE TIME IS BECAUSE YOU BLOCK IT. What??? I live with an open heart, I tap into the abundance of Universal Love all the time and offer it generously to All. I live with an open mind. I think I live mostly enthused and excited, which is energizing for sure.

I don't think I am blocking anything! Or am I...???

I am not closed. I get it. Opening allows energy in. Closing blocks it out.

What? Closing is a habit? Habits can be broken. I'm reading on...

An underlying fear of people tends to close us down. I find crowds, even small crowds, intimidating. I am in the habit of experiencing an uptight, closing sensation when I encounter any size crowd.

In The Untethered Soul, I am reading that it's easy to train yourself to do the opposite. Hmmm... It's a matter of conscious choice. I believe in THAT!

So I'm seeing that I haven't been exercising that power in all cases. I am programmed to close in these situations based on my past experiences.

Impressions remain embedded in us. They get stimulated by situations. Negative impressions cause us to CLOSE. This makes sense. I am relating.

I decided last Thursday not to leave something as important as my energy to chance. I have consciously decided NOT to close down in crowds. I choose to draw on the infinite well of energy I am reading exists within me. Okay, I'm somewhat disbelieving as I've lived this way all my life. And I am not a spring chicken! But, I game...

I see that I don't want to cut off my energy flow. So I decide to simply stay open! I decide I am going to stay open no matter what happens. I'm going to explore my capacity for receiving unlimited energy.

A KNOWING deep inside me is urging me on. I am suddenly sensing this makes perfect sense. How could I, who am so introspective, to miss this??!!

"Closing" is an innate tendency to close as a means of protection. But it doesn't really protect us from anything. IT JUST CUTS US OFF FROM OUR SOURCE OF ENERGY.

I want to feel joy, enthusiasm and love. And energy!

I'm not going to make a mental list of how I want the world to be in order to remain open, I am limiting myself to only those options. That's damn foolish!

So on Friday, I determined to go into the crowd gathered where I was going and just relax. Aware of not setting limitations on my joy and my energy. I let the situation take place and I remained with it. I decided to deal with not just Love but OPENNESS. Deal with it with excitement and enthusiasm. I was willing to experiment.

WHAM! I felt a rush of something surge through me, through my body and my head. I felt -- weird. High. It was 12:30 in the afternoon. What the heck was happening??

I didn't even feel the old habitual tendency to close, which I'd been doing all my life and never actually identified.

As long as we define what we like and what we don't like, we open and we close albeit automatically, unconsciously! WOW!
I don't want to define my limits! I am going to stop allowing my mind to create triggers that open and close me.

Waves of energy were pouring out of me. I won $8 at the canasta game! The jokers and deuces were flying to me. Energy was flowing off my hands, out of my heart, sending signals.

All my energy centers were open.

We all know other people can pick up on our energy. So I suppose I was feeding them with my energy flow. How fabulous is that?!

This energy can affect the health of your body! Just relax and open! Thoughtfully. Energy can heal. Love can heal!

[linzi]

Andi,
Your words are full of positive energy and so inspirational! Thanks so much for sharing!

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

ALL ACTIONS AND EXPERIENCES LEAVE THEIR MARK IN THE SUBCONSCIUS AND UNCONSCIOUS MIND.

THE RESIDUAL EFFECTS ARE POTENT!

THOUGHT WAVES ARE IN THE MIND-OCEAN. THESE IMPRESSIONS SINK FAR BELOW THE THRESHOLD OF NORMAL CONSCIOUSNESS. THEY KIND OF LURK. WAITING RE-AWAKENING AT ANYTHING VAGUELY RESEMBLING SOMETHING SIMILAR TO YOUR NEGATIVE OR POSITIVE REACTION TO A SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES. THEN THEY RISE AND PRETTY MUCH EXPLODE WITHOUT WARNING. OUT OF NOWHERE.

WE IMMEDIATELY RESPOND WITH SOMETHING AKIN TO OUR ORIGINAL REACTION. IT ALL BECAME A SUBLIMINAL THOUGHT/FEELING AWAITING RECALLING UNEXPECTEDLY.

MANY IMPRESSIONS JUST PASS THROUGH US. BUT SOME GET STUCK. THEY DON'T FLOW. THEY BLOCK US AND LEAVE US FEELING AS AWFUL OR IF WE'RE LUCKY AS ELATED AS WE WERE WHEN THE INITIAL IMPRESSION WAS FELT AND BECAME EMBEDDED IN OUR MINDS.

WE'VE BEEN PROGRAMMED. Impressions form from the Universe through our senses. Even as the mind evolves, we have embedded tendencies and powers.

Eons of wisdom and samskaras lie within us. I know, just pondering that gets you stuck! I digress...

CONSCIOUSLY WE CAN RESET OR REBOOT SAMSKARAS EMBEDDED IN OUR SUBCONSCIOUS, JUST SITTING THERE IN OUR CEREBELLUS OR HINDBRAIN. (I like the visual that comes with that...)

A STOREHOUSE OF SAMSKARAS LIVE IN THESE LAYERS OF OUR MIND. OUR PAST IS PRESERVED IN THE MINUTEST DETAIL -- FOREVER...

WE CONTINUOUSLY RESPOND AS WE DID WHEN LIKE EXPERIENCES OCCUR, even 10 or 20 years later, unless we become AWARE.

we can consciously choose to REBOOT, AS WE BECOME AWARE AND CONSCIOUS OF OUR HABIT OF REACTING EACH TIME A SIMILAR BIG WAVE RUSHES AT US.

HABITS CAN BE BROKEN. ONCE WE ARE AWARE AND CONSCIOUS, WE CAN RESET OUR OLD HABIT IN A NEW WAY. HOW EMPOWERING IS THAT??!!

A samskara is your initial experiencing of an event, what you felt at the very moment the situation occurred, and is stored -- forever -- deep in your mind.
If you don't become Aware, you become imprisoned in the same pain you once experienced.

Similar situations serve as external stimuli, so the thoughts associated with the circumstance causes a samskara. And the samskara causes the thoughts. A seed causes a tree, and the tree causes the seed in turn.

This is beginningless -- yet ends when one attains LIBERATION through conscious Awareness. The residual potency can die away in this manner. Your potential mind awaits your awakening!!

Notice the marvels that take place in the mental factory.

The yogic term samyama, or control over samskaras, imparts direct knowledge of the residual potencies.

Samskaras aid or inhibit one another. Your choice!!!!

THANK YOU JULIE, KDR, CAROL ANN, JOANNE, linzi for your love. Thank you all who PM me and say such beautiful things to me (I save them forever...)...

Just thinking -- each time I get a CT scan, I think/KNOW there's a whole bunch of samskaras that bubble up to the surface, as I remember from 1998 and allll the time since getting those and holding my breath a week before, during and till I hear the results. When I get the results, by phone, I instantly call Paul and I can hear him start breathing again. When I am with him, I see tears of relief well up. I honestly think it's harder on our caregivers/spouses than on us!

Will try to find some SAMYAMAS this coming June, which is practically tomorrow!!

LOVE,
ANDI

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Reminding those who've seen this old thread and letting newbies know what I think and believe with all my heart.

Hope there's some inspiring ideas here for you to munch on.

With love,
Andi