Major fall out with my mother..long

Sherryg683 · 03-10-2008, 11:20 PM

I need to vent here as I am pretty broken hearted about it all. You all know that my brother is dying from melanoma,the last stages here. My78 year old mother lives with him, in his house, he's always been a bachelor. My mother prides herself in being strong and not taking crap off anyone. She's always been very opinionated and confrontational and still very much has her senses with her. Well since my diagnosis and my brothers a month before me, my mom has seemed to be totally off her rocker. She has said such awful things to my brother thing like "you're going to be in such pain when you die,you're gonna be trembling in your bed", "I never knew you looked like such a devil until you lost your hair". "I dont think God going to let you into heaven the way you talk to your old mom".. She actually threw a cup of coke in his face and dared him to hit her so that she could have a cancer patient arrested. It goes on an on. They get in terrible fights with her saying awful mean things. She seems to dwell on the fact that he has not left everything in his will to her,although he's been very generous to her. For 2 years I have listed to her badmouth him to me and everyone who would listen. I have tried to tell her nicely to stop it, that John is dying and she's going to feel awful. All she can think of is what he has said to her and the things that he didn't do for his old mother (that's her words). She has compared our dying with the fact that she's 78 and could die anyday now, we have tried to tell her she has lived a long life but she doesn't get it, she's just an angry woman. . My brother had a prescription that needed to be picked up that was right around the corner from where they live but she made me drive across town to get it. When I asked her why she did't pick it up, her reply was "no..ain't gonna". The next day she came to my house for me to take her to lunch (unannounced) and I just had it. I calmly asked her why could she not get the prescription herself when she was right there, did she really hate my brother so much that she wouldn't pick up his medicine. Well she went into a fit, rushed at me and poked me in the chest with her finger and started to call me some names. I have a really bad temper when pushed, so I poked her back and told her to get the hell out my house. She didn't...so for 2 hours I pretty much told her how embarassed she should be about the way she's been acting that I was ashamed to see her behave the way she has, and everything else that had been built up for 2 years...it was very ugly both ways. I have never spoken to my mother like this, I have always just tried to ignore her when she gets started but I felt like someone had to tell her in no terms did we thing the way she was acting was right. She never sees that she has a problem and will not apologize. When she tells others what happens, it's in a light to make herself look good., although the family knows how she is. I called her 2 days later and aplogized for it going too far, that I loved her and that we didn't need any additional stress in the family at this time....I did not aplogize for what I said because I meant it. I have not heard from her for almost 2 weeks and she has told my sister that she will not be speaking with me anymore, that me and my brother were the most selfish people in the family. Guess she's forgotten the vacations I took her own, fixing her car, giving her cash for no reason, the lunches, lunches lunches...I may be many things but selfish is not one. I am just worried that some thing may happen to either me or my mom before we can repair this. I don't want to go to hell for disrespecting my mother, this is a huge fear for me. I can't believe she could just be so cruel and viscious to the two kids that never gave her any trouble and that are sick. I don't understand itl I don't know what to do next but I feel if I pursue her further then she will just figure she's won, that everyone else was wrong and she's right. The way it's going the next place we may see each other is at my brothers funeral and if she starts with me, it could get ugly there. Me and my mom were so close till this but like I said, I never really talked to her like that before. My poor brother was just sitting there feeling like he's dying and no one really gave a damn, even his mother was being cruel. I just had to speak up for him...sherryg683

Lani · 03-11-2008, 12:05 AM

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Hopeful · 03-11-2008, 05:14 AM

Sherry,

I am so sorry to hear of this terrible psychic stress and pain you are experiencing. I am not a psychologist either, but I have one alternative thought, weird as it could be. You said you and your mom were very close before your dx. This anger she has could be a self-defense mechanism because she can't deal with the thought of ever losing you. It is easier to be angry and push you away than to confront the feelings of shock and grief at your dx and work through them. None of this excuses her behavior towards you in any way, it is just another possible take on it.

Please know that many, many people here care about you and your feelings. Focus on taking care of yourself and your brother for the moment. There is nothing you can do about your mother.

Take care,

Hopeful

Sherryg683 · 03-11-2008, 05:34 AM

Tks all. My mom has always been confrontational, even when we were small. No one is allowed an opinion unless it agrees with hers. My mom is not your typical 78 year old, she looks like she's in her 60's and her memory is like a young person. Usually I have just ignored her. I guess it's just 2 years of listening to her snide, mean remarks that I finally just erupted. My brother deserves some peace in his final days and if she can't be peaceful, she should move out. Although, there's no other kid in the family that would have her live with them because she's so hard to get along with. She has always had to have some sort of conflict going with at least one of her kids, I guess it will be me now. Maybe that will take some heat off my brother. She's just mean sometimes, plain mean. I do love her because she's my mom but it's hard to like her sometimes. I am afraid that we are going to have a huge rift between us. I have gone 47 years taking her crap, and in just one day I feel our relationship has been ruined..sherryg683

SoCalGal · 03-11-2008, 08:58 AM

Hi Sherry-
Family dynamics are intense. The feelings run deep - the love and pain like no other.

Your family is in such a unique situation with both your mother's "children" being threatened by cancer. BUT BUT BUT that does not give your mom a special pass to be abusive-rude-ugly-etc. From what you wrote your mom is way out of line and that seems like a life-long way for her. I don't know if you can "rescue" your brother from your mother's nasty ways.

I cannot address the entire situation but can offer my support to you by saying what I would do in your shoes.

I would head straight to my therapist's office to get support and help on setting my boundaries and finding the right words to say to my mom that addressed MY feelings. You cannot change her but you can change your response and stop accommodating her needs over your own.

You cannot possibly "fix" the whole situation but you can make immediate changes in how it feels to you-including how it feels to hold in your true feelings all your life.

Maybe this time in your life is an opportunity for you to get your relationship with your mom worked out.

So that's my two cents. And also just know that ALL families have their drama

xo Flori

AlaskaAngel · 03-11-2008, 09:25 AM

Sherry, I think you are wise to take some time out and get some other feedback and ideas, because she seems to be just continuing to wear you and others out. What I hear you saying is that you want to see if there is a way you can make the most of what is left of your brother's time and your time, and maybe even your mother's time.

I would think assertiveness training would help, whether or not your mother ends up doing "what you want her to". Even if you think of yourself as assertive, it sounds to me like you are still trying to know whether there is something else you can say or do in the situation, and I'd recommend taking a really good analytical look at the assertiveness process. It can provide peace of mind because it helps you to define and understand internally what is truly your responsibility and what is not, and to find ways of expressing what to say and how to say it in the most effective ways, whether or not you "win". It isn't any form of mind control. It uses your own principles, not someone else's, to clarify what is happening to you and what you can honestly do about it and what you cannot.

I used Your Perfect Right as one simple book that reinforced assertiveness for me at a time of crisis in my life. As Flori says, a therapist can also be helpful.

AlaskaAngel

StephN · 03-11-2008, 10:02 AM

Sherry -
I am appalled that your mother is such a royal pain. You don't need this kind of suffering!

Here is another thought. If I were you I would talk to a geriatric specialist and see what thoughts that person may have regarding your mother.

You may think she "has always been this way." But early onset of Altzheimer's and other dementia can sound like what you describe. If she is increasingly rude and abusive, this is very often a sign.

I had two great aunts who were always as sweet as could be and even they turned mean as the disease began. In an already unpleasant person, these signs could be missed.

This is no excuse for what has happened, but I think it is worth looking into from my family's experience.

MJo · 03-11-2008, 10:19 AM

I am sorry you are going through this. My mother is also difficult, although yours wins the prize You said you and your brother are the two children that never gave her any trouble. Well, you are giving her "trouble" now with your cancers. When I was getting AC and was bald and sick, my 82 year old mother went around mumbling that she didn't deserve this and that she wanted peace in her old age. You mention that your mother prides herself on being strong and opinionated. So does my mother, but in my opinion my mom isn't strong at all. She's a very needy person and didn't cope well when life got really difficult. Your mom sounds like she is going to pieces. I agree it could be the beginning of alzheimers or dementia. I also think the advice to talk to a geriatric specialist is good.

Alaina · 03-11-2008, 12:41 PM

Dear Sherry,

Oh my gosh, I just cant imagine what you must be going through!

I wish I had the right words to help you in this situation but I know I dont. For me, I think I would not worry who she thinks is right and who she thinks is wrong if you talk with her and try to smooth things out. I say this because time may be short for the three of you together as mother/daughter/son. You know she is in the wrong and you still love her, even in her faults. I would say what you need to say and then tell her that you know your time with her is not infinite and you dont want to spend this important time fighting. Then the ball is in her court. Also, pray about it and ask God to help you in this journey. If you are asking Him for guidance, I dont think he is going to judge you if you make some mistakes, you are human.

I am sorry that your brother is going through this as well. May God bless you all with peace, love and strength during this time. May He also bless you with the knowledge of His love for each of you!!! Love, your sister in this battle, alaina

Mary Jo · 03-11-2008, 12:51 PM

Hi Sherry,

I can't really offer you any more advice than what the others have said here but I can tell you that you did the right thing. And please don't think, as you had said in your post, that you would go to hell over this. Oh my dear Sherry.......God loves you incredibly and what happened had nothing to do with you. Your mother pushed you to the breaking point and she had no right to do that. None at all. For that matter you even went as far as to apologize to her and to tell her you love her. That was honorable of you and must have been very hard.

Your mother needs to search her own heart and ask for forgiveness. Instead she is busy blaming everyone else for her unhappiness.

Dear sweet Sherry.........this is all your mother's issue. You definitely needed to speak your mind to her and it's good that it's out there. You didn't disrespect your mother....she disrespected you. She needs to come to terms with that. She needs to seek forgiveness.

Sending hugs and prayers that your mother would see where she is wrong and that her heart would soften.

Love to you....

Mary Jo

Faith in Him · 03-11-2008, 03:51 PM

Hi Sherry,

I am so sorry that you have to go through this on top of dealing with cancer yourself and your brother's cancer. I believe that you got some really sound advice from the women who have posted.

I agree with Hopefull. It may be very hard for your Mom to have two children with cancer. I remember when I was told I had cancer. I thought, well, thank goodness it is not the children. But again, no excuses, we are all responsible for seeking out help if we need it during difficult times.

Please don't fear that you will not get into Heaven for speaking back to your mother. If that were the case, I certainly would not be going either. God loves you more than you know. He knows your heart and how hurt you are by this and He is faithful and full of mercy. I pray that you are able to find some comfort over this and I especially pray that your Mom can get the help she needs.

Hugs,
Tonya

Barbara H. · 03-11-2008, 04:52 PM

Hi Sherry,
I don't have much more to say except that my heart goes out to you. I agree with the advice to see a therapist that that specializes in these issues. I would also write a letter to your mother telling her that you do indeed care for her, but that if she wants to continue a relationship with you, she will have to show respect.
Good luck and best wishes,
Barbara

Carol Carlson · 03-11-2008, 05:15 PM

Sherry,
I'm so sorry you're going this ordeal. You and your brother need a lot of support now and your mother sounds like she's very angry at both of you for having the audacity to be ill. As someone else stated, she's probably very frightened about losing her children.
Keep in mind that even adults, including " seniors" need to have boundaries and limits set for them if necessary and it certainly sounds that way with your situation. Perhaps you and your brother need to talk about what you will tolerate and what you won't tolerate. Your mother is being emotionally and psychologically abusive to both of you, which is having a negative physical impact on your health.
If she is a controlling person, she probably feels helpless and copes by acting out in her various ways.
I also think a geri- specialist consult would be a great idea.
Do what you need to do re: limit setting.
Good luck with all you're dealing with.
Carol

Bill · 03-11-2008, 06:49 PM

Sherry, I feel so bad for you and your brother. I agree with the postings of the other sisters (Brenda said I could be an honorary Sister, too). I've gotta speak my mind here. One, you're not going to Hell for poking your mother in the chest. "Honour Thy Father and Thy Mother,etc." , but that implies, in my opinion, that they are honorable parents to begin with. Your mother is not. I'm sorry to sound so harsh, Sherry, but there can never be any excuse to throw a drink in a person's face, let alone someone maybe dying of cancer, and the things she has said to him. It's inexcusable. Having said that, I agree with Steph. You may be too close to the situation to see it, but your mother is exhibiting signs of dementia. And kinda like Mjo's mother, your's doesn't sound strong, she sounds very weak and afraid, too. The strongest people I know can take crap off of anybody, and not bat an eye. She sounds like a bully, plain and simple, and I'm worried about the abuse your brother is having to endure in his final days, and you should not have to be the one to sort it out, either. Sweetheart, you have enough to deal with. Someone needs to intervene, here. Your mother needs help, and your brother has needs that are not being met. They need to be separated. I hope and pray that someone close to you can help with the situation. I also hope and pray that I haven't caused you further pain. You are just so sweet and I don't want you to feel guilty about your actions or feelings. Love, Bill

CLTann · 03-11-2008, 08:03 PM

It is a terrible situation for your family. I don't believe it helps anything by more confrontation. One thing leads to the other and more tension builds up. I think Lani is wise to advise moderation. Walk away so that all can cool down. Maintain contacts but avoid close contacts. Hopefully, in time your mother would realize one shrill voice plus insult could not stir up a fight. Use your kindness to all around you, knowing all are physical or mental incapacitated. Take care of youself first. We love to see your postings and your pretty face.

harrie · 03-11-2008, 11:53 PM

Sherry, if you had not mentioned that she has always been like that I would have assumed she had a mental disorder like dementia. When another person is so hurtful like she is, i would say it would be best to avoid her. I know it can be tough when it is your own mother, but if you chose to do so, I know you are still a good person making a wise decision.
Harrie

Soccermom · 03-12-2008, 11:51 AM

Dear Sherry,
I hate this for you! Let me tell you a little about my own family dynamics, it might help?
Just after my stage 2 diagnosis I called my eldest brother to ask him to please make sure he took good care of my Mom(who was just diagnosed as being end stage w BC) (as he lived close to her Nursing home). We'd not been friendly for many years as I married out of my faith...anyway...his response was..."This is all your fault,Mom is dying because of you making her go to her sisters funeral ..yada,yada" (this from a man that screamed like an animal at his very sick frail mother)...I hung up on him and was devastated. Fast forward two years and he is diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer. He moves in with another brother 4 hours from where I live and I go see him. I just told him "I love you,always did...you did some horrible things to me and my family...but I forgive you, lets move on from here and not waste any more precious time". I saw him one more time and he passed away the day after we spent that night recalling better days.
Bottom line is that some people are so troubled that they are TOXIC to everyone around them. Protect yourself from the pain she causes you Sherry. I wish that your brother could spend his final months in a loving environment and not surrounded by such venom and negativity. Please know that I care...keep posting.
You will NOT got to h*ll for defending yourself....

((((((((SHERRY)))))))))

love,Marcia

tricia keegan · 03-13-2008, 03:11 PM

Sherry I really feel for you and want to add my support, I think you did the right thing and I would have reacted the same way. I had the same thoughts as Steph about early dementia as we had an aunt who behaved this way before her dx of alzheimer's.
Please don't blame yourself too much, your brother needed your help and it's just a shame he has to live with your Mom whiloe so ill. We can't choose our family and nor is it compulsury to LIKE them if they're behaving as your Mom is.
I don't know what to advise you but wanted you to know I believe you did nothing wrong and everything right. Don't beat yourself up over this sweetie,it was'nt your doing but your Mom's and she's the one should be ashamed.

Cathya · 03-13-2008, 10:17 PM

Sherry;

I agree with Steph and the others. I would definitely be suspicious of your mother mental state. I have seen a couple of cases like this where the family has not suspected dementia for a very long time. The other option in my mind is that she is just really the same as she was when younger.....a bi**h.....why do we think all old people are nice? Unfortunately people just age....nice and not nice people. You might just have to accept this. I am soooo sorry thought as I know how wonderful it is to have the support and love of caring parents. We are with you Sherry.

Cathy