wanting opinions

[michele u]

This is hard to write. You all are like family. Today is my 20th wedding anniversary. It's not a happy one. Me and my husband have been slowly drifting away for a couple of years. After the initial shock and the cancer, things changed. He wanted everything back to normal. We all know that's impossible. He has become controling and uncaring. He accuses me of not caring about my family when i put my needs in view. He makes me feel like i'm selfous, when i do things that make me happy like ride my horses. Our finances are not good due to mounting debt from medical bills. I have tried to keep it together for along time, but here i sit on a day that should be happy and i'm sad. Not even a card today. My mom see's what he is doing to me. And to top it off my 17 year old son came home drunk last weekend, for the first time, and my husband called the police on him. They came out and ticketed him. Everything seems like it is coming down around me. I feel like i'm doing everything wrong. If i'm not cooking or cleaning my husband thinks i'm not being a good wife. I love my kids and don't want to hurt them. He makes me feel like i'm not being a good mom. Has anyone had this experience with their loved ones? I hope not, but would love the advice. My mom knows that it's getting harder to stay. Here i sit and think if I do die from this my husband will get another life with someone else and be happy, and here i sit now being unhappy and don't get the new chance at happiness. sorry about being a downer but i know you all understand where i'm coming from.My husband came from a family that never showed love. I know he never saw how a good marriage should be, but after this long one would think he could understand. Thanks for letting me vent!

[SusanV]

Michelle,


while I can't say that I have experience in what you are going through, you must know in your heart that you are a wonderful mother, and no one loves your children more than you do. I am sure too that you are giving your family all the attention that you are able. With a cancer dx, that may be less than before...suddenly we do have to put ourselves on "the list" so to speak of people who matter. We do have to take care of ourselves.... I am sorry to hear that you are sad....As far as your son and the drinking, I would say most of the population has experimented with underage drinking. That does not make you a bad parent. That just makes him unlucky for getting caught.

Sending love from PA
Susan V

[Lolly]

Dear Michelle,

Yet another common thread; today is our anniversary too, 32 years for us. Believe me, there have been some challenging times, in fact some very rocky times when I wasn't sure our marriage would survive. I'm sad for you that the "cancer thing" has seemingly brought out a side of your husband that seems cold and unloving. But you know you must continue to take care of yourself first, even if it causes bad feelings between you. Maybe counseling would help him understand that his attitude is causing you unnecessary pain, and he can learn to express his expectations in a more positive way. Please try to convince him to do this for the sake of your marriage, as I really believe that if you've been together 20 years, there's 20 years of love worth fighting for. Hang in there, but it's time for some Heart to Heart talking.

<3 Lolly

P.S. My husband was picked up for drinking and disorderly conduct when he was 15, and when they called his mom to come get him from the police station she was so furious she just told them to "Keep him!" They did talk her into letting him come home, and he learned a valuable lesson: don't get caught

[jag]

Love Is Truly Tested And Pushed To The Edge When A Loved One Is Ill..some People Cant Handle The Stress...you Owe It To Yourself To Be Happy....to Do What Is Needed For You To Stay Well So You Can Be There For Your Family..whether One Is Ill Or Not Life Is Short...i Think The Good Lord Wants Us All To Be Happy..its Not Your Fault You Got Cancer....and For Sure You Shouldnt Be Made To Feel Guilty Or A Bad Person Because You Got Sick...maybe A Heart To Heart Or Counseling Would Help...but Michelle You Deserve To Be Happy....and You Should Continue To Take As Good Of Care Of Yourself As You Can...and Do The Things You Enjoy..god Bless You...all The Best Michelle...and Also Happy Anniversary....

[RhondaH]

so sorry to hear of your troubles. I have never been married (chose NOT to marry Tony's father, though he still wants too, as I never felt it was "right" was, "blinded by love" a few times, but in hindsight I made the best decisions...especially for Tony). My parents were married for 35 years and my father was "verbally" abusive also (was so bad that when my dad was at the airport working on his planes, mom and I would sit in the living room and visit, but as soon as he pulled in, we would retreat to our bedrooms just so as to not "hear it"). The year before my dad retired, my mom left him the day after Christmas (had told me beforehand) and my dad called me TOTALLY shocked (I guess he figured he could treat her like dirt forever). She decided that she was NOT going to spend the rest of her life in misery ESPECIALLY with him retiring and being around all the time. She is SO much happier and the ONLY question people asked her AFTER was, why did she wait so long. Sweetie, you need to do what's best for you and your family. Take care and God bless.

Rhonda

[Cathya]

Michelle;

I am so sorry to hear of your sadness. When I went through my separation from my husband (of 16 years) I read all the self-help books I could find. One topic seemed to lead to another. I felt wonderful. I also spent a year going to a child psycologist as my kids were very little back then. We would talk for 15 minutes about the kids and the rest of the time about me. He was wonderful. Best time I ever spent. I'm not suggesting you separate because I do think that many things can be worked out, but I am suggesting that you focus on yourself. I discovered that in my case, in trying to keep everything calm around me I was literally becoming a different person and one that I could not sustain in good mental or physical health. Of yes, another thing I did was take the Myers Briggs personality test. I discovered all sorts of things about myself through that. Much later I had my husband take it and I do regret I hadn't done that earlier as it explained so much about him that was just different from me naturally. God bless Michelle. As they say, life is a journey, not a destination.

Cathy

[chrisy]

Michelle,

My heart breaks to read what you are experiencing. My opinion??? This totally sucks (how's that for an unbiased, unhelpful opinion!). Cancer is so ugly - not enough to wreak havoc on our bodies - it can upend everything in our lives. And challenge even the strongest of relationships.

You have every reason to be angry, sad, scared,whatever. VENT ON! Nothing about this is fair. You of all people deserve to be cherished, supported, pampered! You are such a beautiful person and such an inspiration to us all. I'm sorry your hubby isn't getting with the program. Another unbiased opinion: you need to continue to focus on what gives you strength. Who knows, you may outlive them all!

Unbidden, this thought came and whacked me upside the head, from nowhere (?). I haven't read this book, haven't thought about it in months. It's called "the power of a praying wife". A very dear friend of mine has been struggling in her marriage for several years. This book changed her. No, her husband hasn't changed - but she has. Her entire perspective changed about her relationship and interaction with him. It's now much easier for her to work to address the underlying problems.
As I said, I have not read this book, so you can consider this a very questionable recommendation! But since it popped into my mind, I had to honor that!

Anyway, praying wife or not, my prayers are with you.
Much love,
Chris in Scotts Valley

[Sherryg683]

I"m sorry you are going through this, I can relate. I love my husband dearly and I know he loves me but sometimes men are just so self centered . My birthday was in July, it went by unnoticed, except for my little girl coming in and singing happy birthday to me, she did this in front of my husband but he still did not say a word. We had a big blow out fight on my birthday and I was feeling crappy. Two more weeks went by and he still hadn't given me a card or anything. I finally sat him down calmly and told him how disappointed I was in him and how hurt I was that at this time of my life, he would be so cruel. Of course a few days later the card came, with all sorts of mushy apologies. I know it's hard living with someone who's life has totally changed, and not for the better. It's hard on them, but they have to realize what we are going through. I sometimes think that they resent us for being sick. And as far as your son, my 17 year old son took off on a 600 mile trip to Houston a few weeks after I was diagnosed. I had asked him to please come to church with me but instead, he and a couple of friends took his car and off they went. They turned their cell phones off and didn't get back till 2:00 in the morning. I was frantic with fear and anger. His cousin ratted on him and finally called me and told me where they were. There have been quite a few drunk nights and sneaking out with him. He has calmed down quite a bit now, but was pretty wild there for awhile. Teenagers are pretty much totally self centered. My little 8 year old girl has been the only thing here that has been totally loving and sweet to me. When I had radiation, she would rub cream all over my burns, sometimes I think it's she that keeps me going. I don't have any great words of advise or I'd use them myself. Maybe you should do what I did. I went out and bought myself such an expensive birthday gift that I doubt he'll ever forget to buy me a present again. We've been through hell, we deserve a little peace in our lives. Just letting you know that I"m sorry you are having to go through this..sherryg683

[mts]

Michelle-

I really feel your sadness and fear. I think many of us feel like you do... I believe that happiness in many ways is like sadness. Both are either above or below a line in living. I don't know anyone or thing that is permanently happy (even puppies get sad when the master is not around). I also believe that many marriages can't communicate. Often times the message is blurred once it gets into the other person's brain.
Reading your letter is perfectly clear to me... I see quite a bit about how you want to live by your comments on how things are not going on as you would hope! Could you print it and give it to him so he can read it like we are?

I usually tend to give men the benefit of doubt because they don't feel or see things like women do. We attach our feelings to everything... Your husband sounds like he too is dealing with quite a bit. We all lash out most at the ones we love. I bet he has the same fears as you but cannot express them.

Plan an evening with him, get a sitter and go have a nice dinner. It does not need to be expensive...You are obviously the solid minded one of the relationship and perhaps you have to do the extra work necessary to get him to understand what is going on in your heart and mind. Fear is a terrible thing too. But not being able to discuss those fears is worse. A little relationship "time management" could help too. My husband and I have a date night every Saturday regardless. I have also found that foot rubs are really the way to his heart!

Have you thought about counseling? If you are still working, many employers have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that covers several free sessions of counseling at no charge to the employee despite having insurance...its a great program. His job might offer it also. Call the HR office and see if it is available...

I certainly do not have the perfect marriage nor do I have perfect children. Cancer has made me totally imperfect. When I was first diagnosed, I used cancer as an excuse for everything going wrong in my life. It certainly did simplify my life... I have streamlined, I say NO better, I make better weekend plans, I take more charge than ever before and that has helped me cope better with the diagnosis. Yes, cancer and all the drugs that go with it do give physical side-effects, but no one really talks about the mental side-effects...

Hang in there Michelle...it really can be worked out... Just think about all you do to contribute to your family. Its a lot isn't it! Your "value" to your family is huge. Let him see what he is taking for granted.

Warmly,

Maria

[sarah]

Michelle,
I feel very sad for you but everyone has posted great thoughts and advice. I think men are cooler than women and women don't like to ask for things - like a hug, etc but they want it. Men like to be left alone unless they ask for something. Do what will make you happy and well. Local support group, counselling, medication for depression, and keep riding your horses! My husband's was great through my first illness and is still coping with this time - (secretly I think he thinks I should be even more stoic about it all) but I'm not sure he ever sent or gave me a birthday card! or flowers - something I hinted at for years!!! but he'll suddenly just get me something because he thinks it's right for me. Except for some extraordinary ones (some on this site!) men have a really hard time dealing with their loved ones illnesses and don't give us nearly enough hugs.
big hug,
sarah

[saleboat]

Michele,

I don't have any words of wisdom-- I've only been married two years myself. I just felt such a heavy heart reading your post and wanted to wish you a Happy Anniversary. Twenty years is too many to let things just drift away. I hope you can take all the tenancity that you've shown through your diagnosis and treatment and find a way, with your husband, to turn the ship around.

Jen

[MCS]

Michelle,
I'm so sorry to hear about not only yours but the others' problems.

I'm not an expert on this. My only contribution is that unofrtunately I see a little of myself in all of our comments.

BC is hell. I think that if you are older and one of the spouses get ill, it's natural progression of life. When BC hits, it's usually mid life, when everything goes awry anyway - Physicallly and emotionally. Kids are not babies, there is not the adventure or mystery of newlywed.

And yet, I have a herceptin partner that husband left her after only one year of marriage, during which she found she had cancer. He couldn't handle it. I told her that God blessed her getting rid of him.

I just "celebrated" my 25th when my father passed away. Grabs you?

My 20th, my mother in law passed away.

So even though we are together, we have not been able to celebrate these long years together.

My 50th bday, laying down in sofa from chemo.

Vacations are not relaxing, it's like a must to make sure we all have family time.

You are lucky that your mother supports you in your illness or what's going on. My mother cannot discuss with me anything. I have to rely on friends, support groups, all of you.

My heart goes out to all of us. I feel we are all so sick and yet we have to maintain this Barbie, perky attitude towards it all. So that honesty sometimes just cannot happen.

Teenagers, i have a 21 and 18. And they know I'm sick but yet they are into themselves and thier lives. The optimism of youth. That leaves me out cold sometimes but then also would not want them miserable because I'm sick.

I used to work in a powerful position with lots of financial responsibility under me and people to manage and now I'm home because I was laid off and I am so tired I cannot work in the same category. So I lost self esteem, some weeks, my best job is to keep the blinds clean.

There's also lack of sexual intimacy as before bc. We lost our breasts, hair, libido, we are tired, lose self esteem, we are dry as a desert, etc. Come on give me a break here!

I hate to admit this, but I have told my husband that I don't know if I will survive this illness, or our marriage will survive if I get sicker or there's not positive things to look forward and I have even told him that I will not discuss things with him about this illness- guess who, you ladies hear it! Maybe this is not the right approach but are keeping things at bay.

You know, I will say your name in prayer, together with all of the rest. These are nasty, ugly times. But you have to do what's best for you. It's not your issue- remember that. Don't feel guilty about doing things for yourself, but I know how it is.

Ahhh! The horses sound wonderful, I wish I had that. See you're lucky to have them. Hell, talk to them!

XOXO

MCS (maria)

[mekasan]

I'm sorry to hear that things are so hard. If you want to talk about it, you know you can call me anytime.
Shannon

[AlaskaAngel]

Hi Michele.

There is nothing like hitting middle age and having to deal with serious illness and the issues of life mate... all at the same time.

I'm glad there is this place to talk. I still think that the problems my mate and I went through at one time was the most painful, worst emotional time I've ever gone through, and I've been through being laid off from a long-term job, a house fire, and cancer diagnosis and treatment. I don't have any real words of wisdom except to say that you do have a lot to deal with. so give yourself lots of space and credit for trying as hard as you are to work through it.

Much love,

AlaskaAngel