Instructions For Victory

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Some take their problems and put them in God's hands. Many pray and light candles. Each of us seeks the realization of our dreams in varying ways. I heartily respect each person's method of coping with the adversities they face in life. I hope that others, who disagree with my spiritual beliefs, would allow me to air them. It is my desire to inspire those struggling to a get a foothold, blown away by the harshness of their lot. We can each learn from one another. And in the end, we must reach for grace, share our thoughts and state our views with loving energy. We are joined together to learn, to support one another, and treat one another with dignity -- for the betterment of each and every one of us. Here are the ways I have discovered that serve to help me to keep my head above water, while bringing me a beautiful quality of life I had not even imagined was possible...

So, I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT HAVAH. AND MICHELLE. AND KIM. AND FLORI. AND MANY WHO HAVE PMd ME, AND WHO I KNOW LURK, SEARCHING. I THINK OF KATE, AND CHRISY. AND HERMIRACLES. ED, MARIE'S MOM AND MARIE. THIS IS FOR ALL WHO ARE LOOKING FOR A PATH TO HELP THEM DEAL, ALONG W/MEDS AND RADS AND GAMMA KNIVES AND SUCH... May my words touch you, make you think and empower you. If you read this and feel offended, please know it is never my intention to do anything but be helpful and inspiring. I speak from my heart. From my experience. This is what works for me:



...When brooding overcomes me, I remind myself that I am disconnected. From my Spirit and from my spirituality. I am suffocating my Soul and denying a profound Truth.

...So, I troll my thoughts and refuse to harbor unhealthy fears and worries anymore.

...How is that attainable? Every time a diminishing thought arises -- I commit to PEACE. And to being HEALTHY AND WELL! NO MORE CANCER! I tell this to my body, and to the Universe aloud, lest there be any confusion!

...I refuse to be enslaved by taunting, tortuous thoughts and images. They occur and I briefly address them. I acknowledge them, air them (in writing, in conversation, out loud to myself) and I then decidedly turn them away! They are a useless waste of my valuable time.

...I seek to cultivate tranquility. THIS IS MY MISSION. AND IT WILL NEVER END. I AM THE KEEPER OF THE FLAME OF HOPE. EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY IT IS MY TASK TO NURTURE THE FLAME AS I CHERISH THE DIVINITY THAT DWELLS WITHIN ME.

...I identify myself as a Soul, with a mind and a body. I believe the Soul is comprised of fragments of the energy of my divine Source. Thus, each of us is worthy of respect and dignity.

...I have compiled a list of *mantras* that are full of: Joy, inspiration, serenity, kindness, the sincere desire to understand those who act differently, generosity of Spirit and humble gratitude for the many blessings that fill my life. These are sentences that are full of Love and Awe, Belief and Awareness of the gift of Personal Empowerment bestowed upon each of us upon our birth into this world.

...Our freedom of personal choice allows us to become armed with the power to change paths and alter our destiny. We are each the Captain of our Soul, the Master of our Fate, as I have read in poem.

...The trials that face us do not define us. How we choose to respond speaks of who we truly are. I seek to be a role model for my children and my grandchildren and for those who come with me and after me. It motivates me to greater things.

...I have learned that we have the power to choose our thoughts as we choose what we wear. I choose to control my thoughts rather than the other way around. It can be done. It is not easy, nor is anything worthwhile. This is not about repression or denial. It is about admitting to the existence of: Uncertainty, vulnerability, insecurity, tension, distress, anger, blame, resentment, remorse, grief for our Selves and our inability to forgive. Each of these emotions is hazardous to our health. This is about reaching deep within ourselves, and upward to our Higher Selves. I reach for fortitude and resolve to dismiss negative patterns of thinking and seeing. Shunning them from my mind, my health and my life.

...I live AS IF what I desire is already on its way to me. I make my Intention clear and my Expectation passionately, vividly and explicitly known -- to my body, to the Universe and to all I encounter. As I hear my words, my dream becomes stronger and determination even more deeply reinforced!

...I am aware that self-sabotaging thoughts may become habitual and familiar. So, I consciously choose to let go of such thinking, along with the horrid scenarios that come along with such thoughts.

...I KNOW well that what we BELIEVE will become our reality. So I never forget that if I cannot learn to master my negative thinking -- I will know neither peace nor victory.

...With practice and ongoing effort, constant vigilance and monitoring of my thoughts for destructive thinking and images -- I can arrest them at the moment of their arising. THIS IS NOT ONLY POSSIBLE -- IT IS ESSENTIAL TO THE QUALITY OF MY LIFE AND MY LIFE ITSELF!!

...The power of our thoughts is visceral! A specific energy is emitted from us and is sent into the Universe on varying frequency waves, with differing vibrational qualities. Positivity is transmitted at a higher, faster rate of speed. Negativity is lower and slower. THE UNIVERSE SENSES WHAT YOU BROADCAST AND RESPONDS -- IN KIND. So, KNOWING this is miraculously empowering!

...The Universe will rearrange molecules and send manifestations of your thoughts to you, in accordance with the energy that compose your thoughts, and in accordance with Universal Law. I KNOW this with all my heart. Therefore, I consciously choose to call -- what I *want* -- rather than what I *fear the most* -- directly to me (the source of that energy). I BELIEVE THAT WHAT I DWELL ON ALL DAY WILL DETERMINE HOW I WILL FARE, AND HOW I WILL FEEL.

This is sent w/loving healing energy from my Soul...
Andi

[chrisy]

Andi, just being in such company is a pretty cool thing.

Thanks for posting, you always give me much to think about, or rather, to absorb.

This doesn't totally relate, but it reminded me of "what I gave up for lent". I figure this is as safe a place to post this as any - of course with the usual caveat of this is just me...

Being raised in a Methodist church I never really got into the "giving up things for Lent" idea and I guess I still don't really. Maybe I just don't understand it.

Anyway, I sometimes attend a lutheran church and did so a week ago which was the first Sunday in Lent. The pastor talked about how he didn't really always get it either - that giving up chocolate, or tv or whatever didn't really make sense. Instead he thought about it as giving up whatever separates him from God.

As is often the case, I zoned out in church, but this time with the conviction that I KNEW what I had to give up for lent, even if it is harder than chocolate or good Zinfandel...

I'm giving up FEAR.

As always, Andi, thanks for your encouragement and inspiration.

Love
Chris

[Bill]

Awesome, inspiring post, Andi. Thank you. Wow, Chris, you, too. Fear is one of those self-defeating and self-destructive emotions that we all experience at times, but it is a barrier to the peace of mind and spirit that is yours to claim. Love, Bill

[hermiracles]

Dear Andi ~ thanks so much for your inspiring posts.

It takes a lot of courage to be out there with your beliefs and inspiration. I'm so grateful you do what you do and keep sharing with us. I love what you share and wish I had the inspiration and commitment to maintain myself at such a positive level..... I guess it takes practice eh? and being willing to accept help.

Blessed to be sharing the journey with you Andi.



"...beautiful people do not just happen" EK Ross

Blessings
Hermiracles

[Marlys]

Andi,
This is a great post. I would hope no one would be offended by it. I have a loving God who is with me at all times and my faith in Him has helped me to remain fearless through this ordeal. In January of 2004 I noticed a blind spot in the middle of my left eye. I saw my ophthalmologist right away but he did not see anything. By May I decided not to ignore it any longer and saw him again. By now he could see it and had an angiogram done which confirmed I had wet macular degeneration. He did photo dynamic therapy and although the damage that was done didn't improve my vision improved remarkably. Then in November I started getting a blind spot in my right eye and entered a double blind study (eye doctors hate to call it that) and started receiving injections in the back (retrobulbar)of the right eye. These were to continue every 6 months for 4 years.
In March of 2005 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and was receiving chemo when I had my second injection in May. In November I had my third injection and they scratched my cornea. When they checked that they saw that the hemorrhaging in my right eye had become worse and started me on Macugen which I received every 6 weeks for nearly a year. My vision had really gone to pot and they felt I would have to drop out of the study, so in December they ran some tests and found that not only had my vision in my right eye improved greatly but the hemorrhaging had been greatly reduced. Up to this time I had resigned myself to being blind eventually. At this point I realized that I was not mad at God for all I had been through in the past 9 months. I knew then that my faith in Him would get me through anything without fear or anger if I only let it.
I believe prayer and meditation are my best therapies. Prayer is talking to God and meditation is listening to Him. And I have learned to pray only for His will for me and the power to carry that out.
Love & hugs,
Marlys
P.S. All your suggestions will be added to my menu.

[Ceesun]

Andi, THANK YOU Love, Ceesun

[lilyecuadorian]

is good to have this type of post sometimes ...after read ..is refreshing, "for me" is like clean my spirit, soul and mind ...for couples days ...is like a "monthly tune up".. .until get another good post ...positive or inspiring ....thanks Andi ...what a great use of the words ....

[Madge]

Andi--

I always feel insired and empowered after reading your posts. You have a wonderful gift for words. If I had not been stricken with the disease we all hate, I would not have discovered this wonderful website and your passionate spirit. I feel truly blessed!

[PinkGirl]

Do not seek love today; merely be loving
Do not seek peace today; merely be peaceful
Do not seek joy today; merely be joyful

[Bill]

Wow, Pinkie, I love that. I hope you're well. Love, Bill

[dhealey]

Such inspiring thoughts when I am letting fear settle in again and am reminded I need to kick it out the door. Thank you ladies.

[Paty]

Andi,
May God Bless you always, I have just been blessed with the enrichment of your words. Thankyou for the peace transmitted with this beautiful statements. I wil certainly go to bed tonight with a more peaceful mind.

Paty

[Joanne S]

Wow! Aaah! OMG! I am so speechless!

[Believe51]

Thank You Sweet Friend for having the courage to put aside everything and be brave enough to voice your heart and soul so much once again. It has been a long time since you have been 'Naked' and I have so missed your posts. I feel that this post was my invitation to be brave and expose myself like I used to. It has been a long time since I too have been naked but for reasons that can only be described as I am feeling 'fragile' lately. I agree with Joe when he talks about the changes on the board, as I am sure all others have felt too. Here is to changing things for the best so that we can get back to the normalcy we had at once had here. After all, this is our sanctuary, our family. Everyone always expresses how they need this site, how they cannot live without it, they thank Joe and Christine. I do believe we can all get along. I hope I have not ever or never will offend nor belittle anyone here, for I love you all!!

Through our journey since 9/2006, credit must be given to many many aspects of his well-being. Prayer and religion are important but I have always been a person whom believes that we can aid ourselves in what we ask him for. I believe we have the power to change things that God could never help us with. I know this journey goes well beyond just religion and lighting my candles. Well beyond proper nutrition. I believe that a combination of things helps to get Ed to where he is today. I listen to all of you and grab what I can take with us to ease this journey for Mighty Oak. I leave what I cannot use. I never judge anyone and I can only hope that I never get judged.

I love hearing your journies, I have learned so much about humanity, courage, strength, heroism, etc. But that is the result of the journey. What helped us to make it thus far?? I view cancer as the circle I have mentioned before. This circle starts at diagnosis and ends at giving back to others, atleast for us. I am a firm believer that we have some sort of control over what is happening to us, even cancer aside, life in general. Now he has no control over getting the cancer, but he does have the control to make this cancer journey more pleasant, more promising. Cancer stole life from us and in order to have quality of life, we must replenish some of what it stole. Coming here was a great example of revitalizing part of our lives. We will never be the same but I have done 'cleaning' and replaced parts of my life with our NEW NEEDS.

On a previous post I mentioned that I gave up my grandmother. My entire life I have begged to be loved and hugged, to be accepted by her, to be special somewhat. In the time that I need her the most she has failed me terribly, she has failed Ed. She is so selfish that I get really nauseated thinking about my past. She even told an aunt that she will not call my mother to see how she is because she did not go to see her when she was in the hospital in August (my BC Mom is my handicapped Daddy's caregiver). She told her that: "I do not care that she has cancer, she visits Ed every night and does not come to me. I do not care that he is sick either. I do not care!!". She has no place here anymore. Rather than keep something so negative in our lives I have decided to keep her in the capacity of an acquaintance, cancer has that spot now, by no choice of our own. Life is better for since then though.

Our circle and what has helped us through crisis is just this......

Great Medical Team~Caring Caregivers~Support Team~Exploring Options~Response To Treatment~Organ Health In Treatment~Nutrition & Diet~Supplements~Relaxation Techniques~Meditation~Massage~Skin Care~Visualization~Proper Sleep Patterns~Religion & Prayer~Positive Thinking~Witnessing Examples~Search For Normalcy~Laughter Each Day~Small Daily Goals~Large Weekly Goals~Patience~Reunion of Hobbies~Daily Candles; one for Ed, one for friends, one for Angels~Believing In Miracles~BELIEVING & DEMANDING For Ours~Volenteering~Giving Back To Others.

This is our way of dealing with this new life. Through these tools we have found our peace. The positive thinking and soul searching are powers we have always strived for, we just fine-tuned ourselves. Our life is complete, we feel like better, stronger people. We are empowered and we do have control over many aspects in the chapters of the story we call our life. It is a good life, simple and pure, enriched with power and peace. We hear the music. We see the colors. We smell the roses. We feel the power. We touch your hearts. Now what can be better than that??

With this post I hope you too can take what you need, leave what you do not. We count on hearing how everyone has encountered their journies since it has helped us on ours. We all are different and thankfully so since I take and leave things too. By doing that, we are complete!!

Andi, thanks for the invitation whether you are aware of it or not. You have broke the ice, the silence here. Good thing too because sping is coming right 'round the corner..(Bill that one is for you Sweetheart, I love you) It is a perfect opportunity for me to beg you all to come back to us. I miss the way we were. I shall leave it at that.

I LOVE YOU ALL>>Positive thoughts>>Believe51

[~Bellydancer~]

I too look forward to Andi's posts. They always come just in the nick of time. Coincidence......"Godincidence" I say. He always carries us thru. I don't know what I would do if I didn't believe. I am secure in the knowledge that everything will be all right....no matter the outcome.

[PinkGirl]

Hi Andi
Thanks for starting this interesting thread.
I enjoy reading this kind of stuff but I have
trouble incorporating it into my everyday life.

Do you actually talk to yourself out loud? When
you say you tell yourself things do you stop what
you're doing and sit down and give yourself a talking
to?

Just wondering how you actually "do" this.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

YES, CHRISY! FEAR AND FAITH CANNOT OCCUPY THE SAME SPACE. So you are staying close to God with your vow to stay clear of fear!

And every one of you who find my words inspiring and emboldening, you fill my heart with the most profound joy! It thrills me that I might touch your Soul. How wondrously courageous each of you are for posting your deepest feelings and getting naked with us! Wow, do I admire each and every one of you, for so very many reasons. I am honored to know the ladies on this board. Your Spirits shine so brightly, my peaceful warriors, my Sisters and Brothers. Every one of us, w/cancer or supporting those whom they love who have cancer, are heroes and sheroes in anybody's book! Proud to know y'all!! Everyone is fighting some battle. Never forget that. Wherever you go...

Please let me share my heartfelt thoughts and the lessons I have learned from my diagnosis of breast cancer. These are the things that have come to bless my life, midst what I thought was only full of curses:


...I have come to believe we each have been granted the power to heal ourselves. When our minds command our bodies to act in a specific way, our bodies comply. When we BELIEVE we are not helpless victims of circumstance we become strong and brave. This has been my experience. I visualize myself far into the future, in vivid detail. This is a technique I have often heard winning athletes attest to using! I have watched myself for years as my once tiny granddaughter stood in a bridal gown beside her groom on a dance floor. I am aglow! I look fabulous! I am surrounded by my loved ones. We are all turned toward the bride and groom, clapping our hands to the music. It is joyful. It is my dream. A goal among many.

...I KNOW that longing for yesterday, and struggling with What Is -- weakens us and defeats us. And -- it condemns us to live in daily psychic hell! Often followed by more physical malfunction and pain. OUR *PSYCHOLOGY* REFLECTS OUR *PHYSIOLOGY*... So I am now armed with this Knowing!

...I have consciously chosen *not* to die from fear and grief. As strange as that sounds. There is a mob mentality in our culture regarding cancer. The very word is often whispered because it scares us to death, and makes us begin to immediately mourn for our loss to this world. So, instead, I focus every ounce of my energy on living with the serenity of *knowing* (down to my boots) that I have a degree of control in my fate. I am armed with Knowings! I seek to attract WHAT I FOCUS ON ALL DAY to come into my life, in accordance with Cosmic Law. It may not be codified yet, but I would swear that it is a reality nonetheless!

...I've learned that what is unresolved need not be bleak, hollow or sad. DELAY IS NOT DENIAL. I am often an impatient person. It took nine long months, watching each and every of my metastatic liver tumors *slowly* shrink -- until they were declared *cyst-like, filled w/fluid*. Necratic tissue, not tumors any more!! (Yes, I was pretty close to collapsing from the side effects of my chemo, but I KNEW I would rally! I was determined.) I found that key to remaining positive midst the painful side effects of treatments. I spent my time BELIEVING in my ability to call what I most deeply desire to myself (to magnetically pull it to me from the Universe
-- with the power of my carefully scripted thoughts!). Talk about miraculous! I felt more enlivened than ever before! Therefore, I have consciously chosen *not* to relinquish my power for a single day, or for a single hour. I seek to embrace each moment as a joyful gift! I am not always successful, I admit, but I keep on trying anyway. I do my best to live in The Now. When I fail, I try again. Every day, I do my best. And my best changes from day to day!

...When gloomy possibilities occur (like when my light-headed, woozy feeling persists for weeks and I wonder -- IS THIS IT? IS IT CANCER?! IN MY BRAIN NOW?!) -- I immediately stop putting dooming energy out there! I stop! And yes Pinkie, I say OUT LOUD -- NO! NO MORE CANCER. HEALTHY AND WELL. For my body to be clear on this. And for the Universe to hear my declaration as well. I want to draw healing, positive energy to me. I speak with passion and I include all that fills my open heart -- pure, unconditional and infinite Universal Love, and my humble gratitude for my many blessings!! As I do this, I am refusing to give my power away to any fear-riddled thoughts. Not to the anger of another person, or even my own. Not to give my power away to the hardship within unwanted circumstance (that we all face from time to time).

...When I feel the anger and mean-spiritedness of others, it comes at me as a force. It saddens and disheartens me gravely. I discover how vulnerable I am and I temporarily feel emotionally on the verge of disintegration. This is the most difficult thing to withstand. I have to consistently reach for peace and pray for others' ability to open their hearts -- filling my heart and my mind with FAITH. Negative energy cannot occupy the same space as Belief, Love and the reaching for Tranquility! I KNOW this, and it empowers me. I alter my thought patterns with decided fervor.

... I have discovered that we are each intended to evolve and grow. With all due respect to our beloved ancestors, we are meant to continue creating our world. Honoring their memory, cherishing tradition, clinging to timeless values, but becoming aware of when it is time to progress and venture into uncharted waters. (As we did with slavery, with women's rights, forgoing animal sacrifice...) We are intended to love, to share, to learn and become more. To advance and progress. With each day I try to fulfill that promise. We *never* know it all. We keep expanding, as we should. We keep trying to elevate our consciousness...

...In meditation, I conscientiously silence all mental chatter, I make every effort to open my heart to receive pure, unconditional Universal Love. As I do that, I *connect* with my Soul, or Spirit! I merge and become One. I become emboldened with the wisdom of ages. It is a life-altering experience! I align myself with my Spirit. I can float up and see from above. I can become The Witness, morph into pure consciousness that knows no pain. My perspective is totally altered. I begin to see through the eyes of my Soul. I see each person as a Soul. I am filled with compassion. An out-of-body experience is elevating in far more than the obvious ways. Thrilling. Awesome. Spectacular.

...I KNOW that I am never alone. Never. In times of Awakening, I can hear my Spirit speak to me through my Inner Voice. It tells me -- I AM ALWAYS WITH YOU. It speaks with a profound power, saying, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD. And I feel truly loved!, even (and especially) as I am facing my worst fears. My Spirit tells me that it wants what I want. It guides, protects and nurtures me. It speaks with an authority that assures me unequivocally of its presence. Some would say -- THAT IS GOD. However you see this sacred entity -- it bolsters you in the hardest and harshest of times. My Spirit stands against my egoic thoughts that are fighting to control me and my emotions, and that often bring me down. I let my Spirit rules. I KNOW it is the True Me. The most precious part of who I am. It makes me feel One With The Universe. It brings Radiance and Light, Joy and Tranquility, Balance and Groundedness. My Spirit is sacred and dwells within me.

...I have learned that the bravest are those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, and yet, go out to meet it anyway. You can do the thing you think you cannot do.

...I would say to you what I often say to myself, what I have read and devoured whole. KNOW that you cannot fail. When you KNOW a thing (for god or bad) it will find its way to you! Own that Knowing.

With many prayers for my Sisters and Brothers... I just love the thoughts and feelings that are being shared here. Each of us contributes mightily to one another in unimagined ways. I once read -- You may be the only ray of sunshine in another person's day. We are each so special. We are each that important. Bless you all...
Andi

[Bill]

Awesome, awesome, awesome, Andi. Thanks for all of your inspired words.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I'm just hoping more of us will come forward and share their ways of dealing with bc *psychologically*. We can all benefit from learning about the differing experiences we have each had. This thread seems to be a nice, comfy place to come and -- GIVE BACK. If you are surviving and thriving, or if you are struggling to keep strong, won't you please talk about it?!

I find that as I talk, and vent, even whine, I am hearing my own words and they are healing in and of themselves. Posting, writing, speaking out is highly therapeutic. It is so cathartic for us, and so very helpful to others who are grappling with this chronic disease, seeking a new normal.

We all know, even those who have been blessed to be NED for a bit, that once you have been dx w/bc, you must regroup and forge onward and upward with each hour of each day. Every day. It's a lifetime commitment to living w/as much joy and peace of mind as we possibly can. It's a full-time job. It's a mission. And I guess it is an art. Won't you contribute to helping us all find our path? What *you* have discovered, how *you* address issues, can lead another to getting a grip on living w/bc. You have much to offer to this group. Even if you are a Loved One of someone w/bc! Look at Marie. And Bill. Their input is inspiring and invaluable! We are each fighting our own battles. We each feel -- IT ISN'T EASY BEING *ME*. We are each vulnerable. But we face each day with as much courage and grace as we can muster, as our Spirits so wisely urge us to do... Don't you think?
Andi

[PinkGirl]

Hi Andi
I do more things for myself that I used to think
were too silly. I have always liked to colour - kids'
colouring books and crayons. So now I do that (out
in the open) - I no longer care if anyone thinks it is
silly. I also really enjoy crafts and decorating so I have
volunteered at my mom's nursing home and I decorate for
all of the occasions. Next week I will be changing the Valentine's Day tree into a shamrock tree.

Many years ago I had some major back surgery. People told
me that it would only "last" for 5 years. I bumped into an old
friend (a chiropractor) and she seemed amazed that I was still
doing well. I told her that it hadn't occurred to me that the fusion
wouldn't "last". She said ... "keep on thinking that way!"