Emotional side of breast cancer

carol7403 · 09-05-2008, 07:20 PM

I hope lots of people see this and respond to it-I really need everyones' help and input. I'm finishing up treatment for my second time with BC, and have been thinking a lot about the mental and emotional side of this crazy cancer life. I'm wondering- what kind of life do I make for myself now? After having cancer twice, chemo, two masts etc, how do I fit all that into regular life? What is regular life like anyway? I'm wondering- how do I go back to normal-what am I supposed to feel like after all this fear and distraction and confusion? Sometimes I feel like I have a hold on things and sometimes I do a lot of crying, or just feel kind of numb. Do I just add "former cancer patient" to my life story, or does it mean more than that? I'm sad and angry, which I've felt off and on this last year, but now that I'm almost done with treatment (again), it feels different. I would sure appreciate any thoughts from all my sisters out there.

Colleens_Husband · 09-05-2008, 07:54 PM

Carol:

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Unfortunately, you are not alone in feeling this way. My hope for you is that you would seek the help of a mental health professional who is skilled in dealing with cancer and post-traumatic stress. Your health care provider may have counselors available at little or no cost.

Carol, please take excellent care of yourself, both physically and mentally. You have been through an awful lot. You will be in our hearts and prayers.

Lee

SoCalGal · 09-05-2008, 09:22 PM

I have been on this ride for 12 years...

Learned some lessons along the way. Mastered some fears and some mastered me. Act as if. Live as if. (these are both important for days when it isn't). When you have the darkest days make sure to call a friend.

Nothing is ever the same again once you've had cancer. Feeling crazy is more "normal" (universal) than I ever imagined. The roller coaster of feelings seems to steady with the track record of days of good health and clean scans. Hormones wreck everything (old news).

I guess what I'm trying to say is what you articulate is normal in my opinion. It is not easy to put your life back together when you keep getting cancer. It is not easy but it's possible.

Flori

Sherryg683 · 09-05-2008, 10:07 PM

I struggle with that all the time, for so long my life had become sherry...cancer patient. Everything else I loved to do, I couldn't and I couldn't relate to my friends and their "trivolous" problems anymore. I felt isolated and very very alone. I felt like I was swallowed up by a black hole As my health improved, I started resuming my normal activities slowly and started feeling somewhat normal again. I do say "somewhat" because there is always that "pink elephant" in the room that reminds me that I have advanced cancer. I try to ignore him, but he's there. For quite awhile I felt like because I was blessed to be in remission for awhile that I should be out volunteering and giving back some of the blessing I had been given. The only problem was I still felt like crap and couldn't physically do it, so then I would beat myself up with guilt that I wasn't doing enough. I think I have come to a point now where I have made the decision that it's OK to be kind to myself, I have gone through war and deserve a little special attention. If I feel I need to cry, I cry hard. If I need to rest, I take a nap...I deserve it. I am not superwoman and don't have to be strong all the time. I am getting closer and closer to the person I was before cancer, except much kinder and wiser, I'm doing the things I loved again like tennis. I appreciate my friends for who they are and when I'm feeling good, I usually overdue it. I try to wake up every day and say "Thank you God, give me another one". That big elephant still rears it's ugly head but I'm trying to ignore him more. The thing is, you have to do it your way and in what feels right to you. Some people throw themselves into their work to get to feeling back into control, that works for me. I feel as long as I am busy, it won't catch me. But then I have to stop and rest and then I have to just sit back and have faith that it's really all out of my control anyway...it's in Gods hands and there's nothing I can do about it....sherryg683

Mary Jo · 09-06-2008, 06:33 AM

Hi Carol,

Yes, there is way more to a cancer diagnosis that the physical "stuff" we go through. Actually, that is the easiest part of the disease .... doing something about it. Not the easiest on you but the easiest part to live with - in my opinion. The emotional side of the disease is the part that never leaves you. Even though a person may have NED status there is no such thing as "no emotional scars." There are many and they run deep. We all know that.

I am currently a 3 year survivor of this disease and each year it becomes easier to live with my diagnosis. Of course, it is easier for me because I did not have a recurrence. Having a recurrence has to really be a blow and must really be difficult to deal with. I use to wait for the other shoe to drop but am finding that even that is getting better. I am trusting my body once again but more importantly trusting the One who has my life in His Hands. Even if a recurrence is in my future I know that I will and can handle it. A few years ago though I wouldn't have been able to say that. No way. The dealing with these emotional scars has brought me face to face with my mortality and to a closer walk with my Lord. That's how I know I am in a better place than I was 3 years ago. I know that all of us will be leaving this earth one day and there is no age guarantee. But you know what, even if there was an age guarantee, it would still be hard on us and our loved ones - so better not to know and to live the life we've been given to the fullest each day.

This is what I've learned since my cancer diagnosis. This is how my emotional life has been affected and trust me IT WAS AFFECTED. I went through a rough period where I was petrified almost everyday. Through much prayer I've learned that I cannot live my life that way. I was wasting each day I was given. "Life" happens to all of us.....we all go through something.....whether it be an illness or crisis in the family....job loss....financial ruin......whatever.......life is hard and definitely not perfect for anyone. I totally "get" now that life is short for everyone. Whether I ever have a cancer recurrence or not I am going to die. It's that simple (to me) - it helps me - it shows me that my life isn't in my Hands and honestly, that helps me as I live my life.

I've learned that whatever comes my way from this day forward I can handle. I can and I must. And, when it's all over, I will go Home to the place where there is eternal peace and joy. That's what keeps me going....that's how I stay focused on what's important....and that's how I handle the tough stuff in life.

Love and Peace I pray for us all....

Mary Jo

juanita · 09-06-2008, 08:13 AM

Just take one day at a time and see what it brings you. For me zoloft has been a blessing coping with some of the anxieties, but I know that's not for everyone. You will find your new normal one of these days.

Jackie07 · 09-06-2008, 11:28 AM

I was always very, very upbeat when I was diagnosed with cancer (brain tumor, breast cancer) and while undergoing treatment. I was always very, very depressed when I lost my job a year after the diagnosis.

There were emotions that I was not aware of. Sometimes a very small matter or incident could trigger tears. I have always been a cry baby since I was little - being born premature and the youngest of six and teased all time by my elder, jealous siblings. (once my life-long brain tumor was diagnosed when I was 30, all my sins were forgiven and all my siblings showed their unconditional love...)

And it is natural. It doesn't matter that I had gone through the trial and triumphed each time. It doesn't matter that I had been prepared for the unexpected (or, shall we say, the expected - blame my memory problem from the brain tumor surgeries.) There are just so many hurdles we have to 'jump' over in our life.

And that makes life interesting and worth fighting for - I got my fighting spirit from my Mother who fleed China with her two young children when the commuist took over. She reunited with my father in Taiwan and raised 6 children through Typhoons and earthquakes. She fought and won the battle of non-hogekins lymphoma 13 years ago.

I've set goals to become a math teacher. I think having a new goal is important after any life-changing experience. There's a Chinese saying, "the boat 'naturally' straightens itself when it approaches the bridge." We don't need to worry too much in anticipating life's hurdles. It will come, and we will go through it.

Joan M · 09-07-2008, 06:18 AM

Hi Carol,

It's easier said than done but try to take one day at a time and begin to accept.

Try to focus on having discovered both cancers earlier enough for effective treatment, which is positive.

I try to live in the present, but it's very hard. I'm a cronic worrier, which means I live in the future a lot.

I have a lot of "what if's." Like what if I lose my job because of my cancer treatments and therefore lose my medical insurance, or what if the scan I'm going to have in a few weeks following a procedure shows residual cancer activity, and if it doesn't, how long will that last.

I try to tell myself that today I feel healthy and until the next scan I'm going to assume that all is okay.

Then there's acceptance. I try to accept that I have cancer and deal with it. There's a lot to accept in life. My beautiful sister succumbed to MS at the young age of 51 after having it since she was 17, but God provided for her with 2 wonderful sons who took care of her until she finally had to go to a nursing home at age 49. She was 5 years older than me. She never complained. She's an example to me.

I know it's hard but trying to live in the moment is a good place to start and then everything will fall into place after that and you will find your way. You just have to be open so that you can be alert to all the possibilities that will help you develop a new life.

Best,

Joan

Lori R · 09-07-2008, 09:36 AM

Carol,

I think that many of us are similar in that we are worriers. I share many of the concerns that Joan expressed about the future and all the what ifs.

A friend recommended a book suggested by Oprah..by Eckhart Tolle titled "The Power of Now". I think others on the site may have commented on this book in earlier threads.

The point of the book is to focus on NOW. Not the past, not the future.

I find that when I get depressed, it is because I am analyzing the past and all the things that I could have done differentlly that might have prevented this disease. Or....I am thinking about the future and all the things that can go wrong.

When focusing on this moment...sun shining, dauther at the breakfast table. I rejoice and am happy.

OHHHH..my sisters....we all know how hard this is to do. Sometimes it pulls me out of my mood. Sometimes it doesn't...but at least I am aware of what is happening. As Sherry said...at the moments when I can't shake it, I go to my bedroom and have a good cry. So far, I've been able to ultimately surface from that sad, sad place.

If it becomes too much to handle, please don't face this challenge alone. Seek help from as many sources as possible. It always surprises me the source of the comment that helps me snap out of it. (this site, a friend, family member, clerk at the store, Dr., child playing in the park...you get the idea)

From a fellow worrier....Lori

sarah · 09-07-2008, 10:23 AM

It's devastating when cancer comes back. Ask your doctor to put you on anti-depressants - that helped me get through the bad period, then just enjoy each day and do what you enjoy doing and be with people you love or like. Avoid anything negative. It will get better.
hugs
sarah

Louise O'Brien · 09-08-2008, 04:25 PM

Carol:

I just caught this threat but you have nailed the very thing I'm going through right now. I'm two years out - my treatment ended five months ago and it has now hit me like a ton of bricks.

I think that when I was going through treatment, I was in "focus mode" - do what you gotta do. So even my friends commented on my "positive" attitude.

It wasn't until it was all over that I crashed and I'm still dealing with it. It didn't help that my sister died in the middle of my treatment and her illness and the stress of dealing with her estate didn't help.

I feel as if I fell into a black hole for two years. My husband and I now refer to that time as "was it before the axe fell or after?"

All I know is that I craved and was desperate for something I could call "normal". I signed up for some acting classes and met a group of people who knew nothing of my health history. I met two wonderful women who I still meet for coffee.

It was liberating to go there for a few evenings each week and just feel like my old self. If they wondered about my very short hair, they never asked.

Then I signed up for another class - and met even more great women and we're still meeting informally.

It wasn't that I wanted to hide what I went through - in fact I've told a few of them. I just didn't want my health history to define who I was.

Now I'm in a play. I headed to an audition - and actually landed a part. I think of where I was two years ago and am so bloody grateful to be where I am.

But I think the defining moment for me occurred in May when my husband and I went to Florida. It wasn't an expensive place but it was on the beach. My first trip since I started treatment 18 months ago. However, next to us was a group of women having a reunion and they were loud, loud, loud. And there was a bar on the beach not far from our unit.

I took a lawn chair out on the beach to watch the sunset one night - and listened to the noise behind me. The bar, the women... and I started to cry. Because it was so damned normal. It was life - all the irritating stuff that would have sent me round the bend "before the axe fell". Except it didn't this time. I was listening to life, in all its irritating wonder and I couldn't stop crying because I was so happy to be a part of it.

So what's my message? Get out there. Find something - a class, a course, a hobby - and maybe find a way to meet some new people. Find a new way to define yourself.

harrie · 09-12-2008, 01:58 PM

Louise,
The last statement you wrote at the end of your post, "I was listening to life, in all its irritating wonder and I couldn't stop crying because I was so happy to be a part of it".

Those words just hit a significant part of my thought process and I thank you very much.