How can I look more appealing??depressed kat

[kat in the delta]

Thanks for all the help and advice---keep them rolling-----------------
You can't beiieve how MUCH it helps me!!! and tom, who said anything about my husband driving us to the airport??!!
I don't think he would even care !! Sherryg68, ask your husband what I should do? your ending statement was so funny.!!.My middle son, interning at a local law firm,just told me to join this nice country club,,,, afterall, I have sacrifice for my Husband's 3 hunting clubs. and Al, can you design that setting. As for dogs,its true, they do love me & are always happy to see me,but I have 4 dogs!! thanks to my sons, the oldest finance director who now complains about the way my house looks because of them.
All my life I have done things for my husband and boys and others. All have nice new cars, while I have a '94 with just 50,000 miles registered.
Well, I do think its time for me to Hit the Road,maybe call an old male friend--who has been married several x's, but filthy rich, good-looking & fun. Or the guy in Nashville,recently divorced and nice-looking, who wants my youngest son and ME to come to his studio and make a CD(my 22yr old cannot read,nor write music, but has composed over a doz.classical piano pieces,2-10 min. long- in a 2 yr. period--thank God !!)
Or buy some clothes for this weekend's HS reunion of passed cheerleaders and football players. I feel so bad about myself that I wasn't even going.....but.. even if my husband doesn't go, I probably need to make an appearance...or perhaps travel.
WHAT DO ANY OF YOU THINK ???
I may schedule that flight to Paris after my last treatment at the end of July. kat in the delta

[Cathya]

Kat;

I say go for whatever makes you happy!! The worst thing in the world in my opinion is to wake up at 70 (good god I pray that happens) and look back on life with regrets. Go for it....enjoy and we will be happy for you....we are your community and behind you all the way.

Cathy

[marymary]

Yes, Kat, you should definitly celebrate your life by travelling to Paris when you are out of treatment. That's my vote, anyway. Go with a girlfriend. I love travelling with women. There's always someone to talk to! You have a partner in crime for those hours of window shopping. Women tolerate museums better than men, well better at least than my husband would. Sounds like you speak French, at least a little. The French are pretty accomodating if you at least try to remember your HS/college French!

What about your husband, though? Has he changed, or have you? Was he acting distant before your diagnosis or is this a bona fide change in behavior that is probably related to your illness? Sometimes men are downright unfathonable, excepting our darling Tom and Al, of course. For one thing, men, especially the older models, have a difficult to impossible time expressing what they're feeling (if they even know). I guess this is not exactly a news flash. Somehow I always think things will change in that department. I imagine, no fantasize, that after living with me all these years some of me will have magically rubbed off on my husband. Suddendly he will feel compelled to turn off the television and enjoy hours of heart to heart conversation. Perhaps while massaging my feet? HA, Ha, ha, ha.

All I know for sure is that me getting breast cancer, especially metastatic- HER 2neu-always in your face-turning up in my brain kind of cancer, really turned my family upside down. It is an issue every single day and I'd be lying to say otherwise. Every single day I think about dying. Every single day my husband is sick of hearing about the subject. He only recently admitted that he thinks about losing me every single day. Yeah and I know better than anybody the "we're all dying" reasoning but baby I'm on the fast track. And nobody, not even my husband, knows exactly what that feels like.

This may be a good time to see a councillor (sp?). It can be very beneficial to be locked in a room with your significant other without a television set, a ringing phone, a dog or 4, and with a trained, impartial advisor.

I don't know enough about your situation to say. It does seem certain, however, that the days of putting everybody else's needs before your own are over. That's a lesson that I have to relearn every day, including this one. Maybe we women are all alike as well.

You are a pistol, Kat, and I am sure enjoying hearing your story unfold.

Love,

Mary
in Marin

[kat in the delta]

Thanks for being here----I need every single one of you now. I didn't fly off to France, I did not go to the reunion of HS football players and cheerleaders. kat in the delta
Our town is the HOme of the Blues and rightfully so..... We are having the Sunflower Blues Fest. all next weekend. We are located south of Memphis, TN. People will come from all over the world for this Fest. Morgan Freeman owns 2 restaurants here, and lives nearby. I will forward the site privately if anyone wants it. kat

[Tom]

Dearest Kat,

I hear Home depot has ready-built dog houses for "large dogs" on sale right now. Might be time you got hubby one for the yard, and put his blanket in it. You take your canine inside for yourself. Leave hubby a bowl to put his take-out or TV dinners in so the ants don't get it.

I'm not sure I know what to tell you at this point. The trip to France would be great to go on with your son. It would be a good experience for both of you, since he seems to be the man in your life right now. Congratulations on raising such a fine son. Sounds as if he's smart like his Mother.

I suppose you might offer marriage counseling and see if he's interested, but it doesn't sound that way. I can't help but wonder if your illness didn't uncover some underlying problem he has had for some time. It just isn't the response one would expect from a "soulmate". You know what they say: if you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

I'm certainly no psychlogist, but I don't think you should have to shame him into being a good husband, or try to make him jealous. This nonsense has gone on long enough. If he doesn't give you what you need and deserve, maybe it's time to move on. I don't mean that you should have an affair, as that only hurts YOU emotionally. But perhaps you need to fill up your voids with personal activities. No knitting clubs please, and ceramics is so 70's...lol. Check with your girlfriends and see what they do to amuse themselves. I've heard some pretty wild stories about trips to the supermarket produce section...

Seriously though Kat, you need to find something that can improve the quality of your life. You can't spend half your time worrying about your disease, and the rest worrying about your marriage.

My only other advice is this:

Si le chien ne fera pas des tours, le laisser dormir dehors.

Tom

[Sheila]

Kat
I know a woman in my area who was going through much the same thing...she was off work due to cancer treatments...her husband said she could no longer go shopping...since she wasn't working....he of course worked all the time....they by no means were struggling....well she gave up her routine life as he asked....4 weeks later she filed for divorce...said she could not live that way....this disease does have a way of isolating us, and sometimes we do the risky and crazy things we would never have done! We travel, shop, go to events...it is like we are trying to cram our lifes into a short schedule....get out and make new friends, new interests...I agree with Tom, no knitting or ceramics....I am looking into a class on belly dancing....how crazy is that?

[Barbara H.]

Dear Kat,
As I was getting ready to reply to you I read Tom's reply. He says it much more eloquently than I could. There is a women at my cancer center who is a social worker and checks in occasionally with the patients. She told me that I could call her day or night. You could check to see if there is someone on the staff you could talk at your cancer center who is experienced with these issues.

I would have a serious talk with your husband about what is going on. Explain that in order to solve this you both need some intervention and that if he doesn't agree to get some help together for your marriage, then you are moving on with your life. You don't have to mention the big "D" word at this point, just that life is too short and you intend living it to the max. Try to rehearse what you will say and be as composed and calm as possible as you say it. Even if he passes your ideas off, I think it would be helpful at least for you to speak with someone who has experience with this issues that arrise when a member of the family has a health issue. This can happen not only with couples, but also when children in the family are not well. Some people just have a very different way of dealing with stress, or what life brings, and some people never learn to deal with it. I assume you want your relationship to work or you wouldn't be posting this. Let him know that your relationship is important to you, but that you feel it needs some interevention.

Good luck! Since you know him best you will find the best way to approach him.
Best regards,
Barbara H.

[Ginagce]

My god you are brave. I don't know that I could stand up to what you are dealing with.

I will keep my opinion of your husband to myself for now as that won't help matters any. But if I were to share any of it, I would have to include get rid of the bum....he's a very broken individual.

But now for something more constructive. Is there any way you can talk him into couples therapy. Perhaps a trained therapist can make him understand what's really going on in his little heart and brain and lead you both on the road to healing...whatever that may be.

My heart goes out to you and without even seeing you, I know you are a beautiful woman. Don't let him make you forget that...ever!

God Bless and Keep You
Ginagce

[kat in the delta]

Thanks for all the advice Sheila, Barbara, and Tom---I like a man's view on this. Gotta go run to that Onc., who my husband chose me to see-----no counselors at this tiny place--just chemo, 1 Onc for all & foreign (where males are dominant), and 2 onc.nurses. Will cont. when I return......I would like to get that big dog house....kat

[StephN]

Put it in the yard and then see how your husband reacts. Maybe even make a sign with the DOG'S name on it to reinforce the hint.

If you have been sleeping (or reading/computing) in separate rooms before your diagnosis, then you have to make a compromise. What about the nights that he does not have to get up to go to work?? Does he put a lock on the door?? Have you ever crept in and slipped into bed beside him (not on the side with the dog!)?? Don't forget his favorite scent if you are not allergic.

Here is another idea, but very personal. Many men are subject to erectile dysfunction, and maybe this is getting to be an issue with him??

People are very complex "animals" and there is likely no easy answer.

Keeping the house in "pre-cancer" order when you have cancer treatments IS IMPOSSIBLE. Little piles appear here and there waiting to be dealt with. Pretty soon it is easy to ignore them and the disorder gets worse. Even if your husband or sons help with keeping their stuff straightened up, other things - like little repairs, etc., just take root on shelves, tables and window sills. Tell your husband that you are also mentally exhausted and that the situation between the two of you is not helping. He may not like to hear this, but you can say it if it is true. The outward disorder becomes a reflection of inward disorder and fatigue.

Getting out is a big boost to morale. So doll yourself up and take a walk in the mall - even by yourself. A change of scene lets your mind sort itself out a little. You must have some nice parks that you can take a bit of food to and get some fresh air (without the dog!).

And don't forget to HUG YOURSELF. This is what we do at the end of our workout with my cancer survivor group.

[kat in the delta]

HELP!! He is now getting angry at me. He will not take me ANYWHERE ! I need someone to talk to...He does not understand that chemo makes a person even slower than they were.....please tell me where I can show him a site or some info about this. I was never on the spot ready, but chemo has really taken its toll on me and he just gets mad at me ......
Anyone know a site or info to send him....I am not even sure of his e-mail address..he is very secretive......??.....kat in the delta