wanting opinions

[Lolly]

Dear Michelle,

Yet another common thread; today is our anniversary too, 32 years for us. Believe me, there have been some challenging times, in fact some very rocky times when I wasn't sure our marriage would survive. I'm sad for you that the "cancer thing" has seemingly brought out a side of your husband that seems cold and unloving. But you know you must continue to take care of yourself first, even if it causes bad feelings between you. Maybe counseling would help him understand that his attitude is causing you unnecessary pain, and he can learn to express his expectations in a more positive way. Please try to convince him to do this for the sake of your marriage, as I really believe that if you've been together 20 years, there's 20 years of love worth fighting for. Hang in there, but it's time for some Heart to Heart talking.

<3 Lolly

P.S. My husband was picked up for drinking and disorderly conduct when he was 15, and when they called his mom to come get him from the police station she was so furious she just told them to "Keep him!" They did talk her into letting him come home, and he learned a valuable lesson: don't get caught

[jag]

Love Is Truly Tested And Pushed To The Edge When A Loved One Is Ill..some People Cant Handle The Stress...you Owe It To Yourself To Be Happy....to Do What Is Needed For You To Stay Well So You Can Be There For Your Family..whether One Is Ill Or Not Life Is Short...i Think The Good Lord Wants Us All To Be Happy..its Not Your Fault You Got Cancer....and For Sure You Shouldnt Be Made To Feel Guilty Or A Bad Person Because You Got Sick...maybe A Heart To Heart Or Counseling Would Help...but Michelle You Deserve To Be Happy....and You Should Continue To Take As Good Of Care Of Yourself As You Can...and Do The Things You Enjoy..god Bless You...all The Best Michelle...and Also Happy Anniversary....

[RhondaH]

so sorry to hear of your troubles. I have never been married (chose NOT to marry Tony's father, though he still wants too, as I never felt it was "right" was, "blinded by love" a few times, but in hindsight I made the best decisions...especially for Tony). My parents were married for 35 years and my father was "verbally" abusive also (was so bad that when my dad was at the airport working on his planes, mom and I would sit in the living room and visit, but as soon as he pulled in, we would retreat to our bedrooms just so as to not "hear it"). The year before my dad retired, my mom left him the day after Christmas (had told me beforehand) and my dad called me TOTALLY shocked (I guess he figured he could treat her like dirt forever). She decided that she was NOT going to spend the rest of her life in misery ESPECIALLY with him retiring and being around all the time. She is SO much happier and the ONLY question people asked her AFTER was, why did she wait so long. Sweetie, you need to do what's best for you and your family. Take care and God bless.

Rhonda

[Cathya]

Michelle;

I am so sorry to hear of your sadness. When I went through my separation from my husband (of 16 years) I read all the self-help books I could find. One topic seemed to lead to another. I felt wonderful. I also spent a year going to a child psycologist as my kids were very little back then. We would talk for 15 minutes about the kids and the rest of the time about me. He was wonderful. Best time I ever spent. I'm not suggesting you separate because I do think that many things can be worked out, but I am suggesting that you focus on yourself. I discovered that in my case, in trying to keep everything calm around me I was literally becoming a different person and one that I could not sustain in good mental or physical health. Of yes, another thing I did was take the Myers Briggs personality test. I discovered all sorts of things about myself through that. Much later I had my husband take it and I do regret I hadn't done that earlier as it explained so much about him that was just different from me naturally. God bless Michelle. As they say, life is a journey, not a destination.

Cathy

[tousled1]

Michelle,

My heart goes out to you and I can feel your pain. I don't know what to say to you other than you have to put yourself first. Havng cancer changes each of us and also those who are closest to us. Unfortunately, sometimes those from who we need the most support and comfort seem to either be in denial or unwilling to face the fact that we can not be the person we were before diagnosis.

[Sandy H]

Michelle, I am so sorry to hear this special day is not special for you. It sounds like your husband is in the escape mode which to me can seem selfish but also very hurt inside. I went though the escape mode with my husband and son. I can tell you its not fun and my heart goes out to you. I struggled for a year with this after being diagnosed, had to reach out to friends, went to support groups, went back to church. I made all my burial arrangements, was cleaning house like mad so another woman wouldn't be taking care of my stuff!! I even got a glamour picture taken of myself to prove to the next woman how beautiful his first wife really was!! My husband was in VA counseling for PTSD had been for two years. One day I called his counseler and told her how things were and she said I will work on it!!! I had a hospice volunteer taking me to treatments, she was wonderful. She told me later when things improved she had never walked into such a cold situation as the first day she came to my house. She said my husband was totally shut down and I thought I was dying!! All I could do was sit on the couch and cry!! On her second visit he walked her to her car and opened up to her crying saying he didn't know what to do, what to say, he was loosing me and he felt he was dying along with me. He told her as long as he was working, didn't see me or hear how I was feeling my illness didn't exist!! She said she went home in tears and talked to her husband saying she didn't know if she could help us. She had done this for 12 years! She called her supervisor. She said it was abvious we loved each other very much but could not reach out to each other!! She would come to my house once a week, call me every day on the phone because she wanted to make sure I was o.k. My husband was angry because he felt his life had fallen apart, now close to retirement, we both wanted to travel, go to camp, he felt he had worked all these years (struggling with PTSD, and Vietnam injuries) for nothing. I was feeling the same way as you I would leave this world and he would get another chance of living all over again with someone else. It didn't help me much that I knew life beyond this one was so much better and heaven was a beautiful place with no pain and sadness. Then things started changing we were able to set and talk he shared with me how his support was helping him. I don't know if he ever knew I called or not. Its important to keep praying. If you could get some counseling perhaps, it would help but then again its costly. To sum it up we are closer now then we have ever been. He is no longer working is on disability and that has helped us both. We can help each other with our medical issues. He has as many doctor appointments as I do. You are fortunte to have a Mom for support. I had no family to help me. I will pray that this turns around for you. I don't fully understand this escape mode but for some people they run away rather then to you. It makes us feel like we are poison!! My son came around also as his father talked to him about running from me and living with survivors guilt!! He was 22 at the time and moved out right after my diagnosed. How do you think that made me feel? Sending you a big wrap around hug, if you need to e-mail me please do, my e-mail is here. If you need someone to talk to send me an e-mail and I will give you my phone number. Sorry this is so long, Sandy

[lexigirl]

Michelle,

Oh, I wish I could put my arms around you and give you a big hug. I am sorry that your special day isn't starting out very well. I hope that you will do something nice for yourself. You are a precious lady and I can tell from your posts that you are a super mom. You are focusing on txs and such so that you can continue to be there for your husband and children. That takes a lot of courage and love to go through these experimental txs. You are truly putting your life on the line for your family. I can't imagine what more a man could expect from his wife.

Happy Anniversary. I hope that today will be a new beginning for the next chapter in your book. Do something fun!

Love and Prayers,
Lexi