How to start over...

[Blondie]

Hi Ginny,

I am at the similar stage of treatment as you, I finish Herceptin in October. I can relate to many of the issues you have discussed.

I returned to work full time when I completed chemo in February. Some days I feel fine and other days everything hits me all at once- diagnosis, treatment, and anxieties re the future. Throughout chemo I was too busy with appointments, managing side effects and feeling awful that I don't think it really hit me until past few months. Also, initially after diagnosis peoples flight / fight response kicks in.

I suppose I feel very tired of it all! Ongoing side effects- fatigue and chemobrain- particulary when at work. I don't have the energy outside of work to find the work / life balance some days.

Also, my priorities and goals have changed. Quite often the goals of those around you don't though. This is what I find the most challenging....I think at times it is a way of coping- your loved ones go into a denial. They don't think that the cancer will ever come back- so they carry on as usual and you feel so different. Feel like I'm on another planet some days. I'm reassessing my hopes and dreams.....

So I take one day at a time at the moment- live in the moment. Try and do the things I enjoy each day- gain enjoyment from the very simple but most important things in life! If I do have a "bad day" I try and think tomorrow is another day and all will be well.

I agree with all the other ladies. Your Dr should be inspiring hope- not fear and anxiety!

All the best
Blondie

[Becky]

I want to add my 2 cents - the new normal is hard to accept, especially the first few years. I thought the first 3 years or so was hardest - thinking about the possibility of recurring and all I had been through. Unlike most, I did not have the chance to have Herceptin with chemo treatments, it was not available and done that way then. Four months out of chemo and 2 months out from radiation, it was available so I did the Herceptin alone. It does work that way but it is not as good as when you get it with chemo but I got it. Worry, worry, worry. I really think it is part of the process and helps you to move on the way you want to. I think the hurt of it is (in a way) essential. You grow up quick and it makes you think of how you want it to be. Who will be in your life, what kind of job you want. Some of those things you have to fight for and you KNOW you know how to fight. You fought this, you can fight anything. Yes, cancer changes your outlook but that can be a good and useful thing as long as you do not become a "woe's me" person and you won't. Time is on your side and you will come out the other side better than you were, stronger than you were.

There is always a possibility of recurrence. I am almost 7 years out and had a positive node but I still can recur but everyday that goes by, there is less chance of that but I do not think about it all the time anymore even though I come on this board everyday to "see" my friends who helped me through like Sheila, StephN, Sassy, Jean, Alaska Angel. I also come on to help others and just plain ole stay informed.

As for your doctor, some just do not have a bedside manner at all. Many cannot communicate in a way that reduces fear. For example, once a tumor is a million cells (which may be still undetectable), some cells can break off and travel. Therefore, all of us may have had traveling cells. Some cannot "take hold" anywhere else (the immune system takes care of them), some cells are also killed by treatment. Your doctor knows this but could have said everything differently - telling you your prognosis is excellent (IT IS) but that you will need to be viligent (you do) on pain or symptoms that persist beyond 2-3 weeks.

Like you, I got CT scans of the chest, abdomen and pelvis as well as a brain MRI after chemo and rads (right when I was just starting the late Herceptin) for peace of mind. That was all I had so far (besides mammos).

Bottom line is that the end of treatment is a scary time and you have been through alot (even personally with your job). But use it to your advantage. Did you like the job? You now know what your old boss is really made of - a pile of ----!! Probably would have fired you if your child got a bad case of the flu and you had to stay home. Now, rest up and find yourself your dream job. You will be very happy with it.

We are always here for you.