OK my opinion...Like it or not

Faith in Him · 12-14-2009, 10:08 AM

I agree, Nitewind, we are easily hurt. It is the extra baggage that comes with cancer.

I can't help but be hurt. I dreamed of my children before they were even born. I live everyday for them. The thought of someone else being there for their high school graduation, their wedding day and holding my grandchild for the first time, is beyond devastating to me. I want to be there. But I know that if this is not possible then in time my husband should remarry. Does it hurt any less? No. I am willing to be reasonable about this. I can even find good reasons why my husband should remarry. But it is still very, very painful to think about.

I think these feelings are huge for a lot of us and should be discussed on a cancer support board. It is the cancer that has me reflecting on these issues.

Tonya

Ceesun · 12-14-2009, 10:31 AM

Sherry and Friends, Let me just say that I have pondered this as well. I credit you with bringing up this topic as it engenders so many feelings. I have seen colleagues do the same things and yes, it bothers me...a lot. I think we all have the right to express our thoughts--that can be helpful in and of itself. Being honest and expressing true feelings is never wrong--especially in this protective environment of the board. That is just my humble opinion. Ceesun

Mary Jo · 12-14-2009, 01:41 PM

Tonya, your feelings are so right on and so normal. Of course, we all would feel awful (and do) over the thought of someone else loving our husbands, or wives, or raising our children. I totally get that and totally understand that. I would feel no different.....the only thing I want to make clear is that for those who do move on and find "love" again that is their right....It isn't up to us to judge how long someone should mourn their lost spouse....it isn't up to us to decide how long is long enough......or to ask them to think before they announce here that they have found love.

As I continue to say......."until we have walked a mile in their shoes, who are we to judge."

That statement has nothing at all to do with people feeling sad at the prospect of being "gone" and someone else raising their children or loving their spouse. Absolutely nothing....but for those who come to this board or into our lives and "announce that they have moved on and found love again" - I am happy for them and feel they have the same right. It isn't my place to decide if they waited long enough.

I'm not usually one to do battle here at her2support but in this instance feel I am standing up for a dear friend among us and feel the need to stand up for that individual. This topic must really hurt that individual and that makes me sad. Very sad.

nitewind · 12-14-2009, 02:16 PM

None of us want to do battle here on the board, there is no need to. A lot of us feel sad about this subject and I don't think that anyone is judging someone else. When we are going thru this terrible disease, our feeling are right there on the edge and it's hard to think about a lot of things. I feel that this board is to help a cancer victim fight and face whatever comes their way and try to build them up and to support them.
The subject wasn't about our spouses ever finding love again, just like the rest of you, I would want my husband to go on with his life too. But if he did that in a very short period of time, my family would feel like they were slapped in the face and they, too, would be very hurt.
I'm not judging. When you've been close to a situation for a long period and something like this happens, well, I don't know about you guys but it made me sit down and cry. If crying and being hurt means I'm judging, then so be it. But, again, I don't think I am.

alicem · 12-14-2009, 02:24 PM

I agree with you Mary Jo. I have felt at odds with some of what is being said here because I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I personally do not have a problem with my husband moving on and finding someone else to love - even IF it were to be one week later!! You just can't "plan" when that is going to happen. I didn't follow a "plan" when I met him, it just happened. My view on this is tempered by the fact that it is my 100% desire for him to be happy his whole life. If moving on and falling in love with someone else will accomplish that, I am OK with that. Maybe it is easier for me to say that because our 3 children are grown and on their own. Yet, if they were still young, I would trust that he would marry someone wonderful who would take care of them for me. He would need help. Life is hard enough as it is. I choose to look at it from the perspective that he would not be replacing me, he has already told me that there is no one on the face of this earth that could do that. He would just be starting a new and different chapter of his life - not rewriting the book.

When my mother died in 1999, I saw how sad, hurt & depressed my father was. He lived 10 years without her and was never the same. Somehow the joy was taken out of his life. I would never wish that for my husband, and I don't think anyone of you who have posted would either. I think part of the discussions here is all about timing. But I wonder, what if the perfect person to take away the pain from my loved one came into their life - but it happened to be just 1 month after my passing. Just because it was "too soon" would that make it wrong; would it be better to live a life unhappy? Is 1 month + 1 day too soon? What about 2 months? 6 months? 3.545 years?

What Mary Jo is saying, and I am agreeing with - it is up to each individual to decide what matters to them & discuss their feelings with their own loved ones. Openly communicate what matters to YOU. Please remember that everyone's opinion here is VALID because everyone's circumstances and feelings are different, but no one can be wrong when it comes to situations like this!!!