OK my opinion...Like it or not

[Jackie07]

The Chinese used to (from about 12 Century till early 20th Century) encourage widows to stay 'single' by rewarding them with a huge 'Chastity' Gate at the entrance of the city or town. Many movies have been made on the subject. One of the few 'accomplishments' of the Chinese communist regieme (1949-)is to ban unreasonable traditions such as this (along with the ban on opium and women's foot-binding.) The 'one man, one woman' rule was established when the last Dynasty was overthrown in 1911, but the first 'Republic' could not reform everything as effectively as the harsh and 'psychological' method used by the communists. Though many men (even some who are living in the States) have a 'live-in' partner besides the official wife.

'Not being able to bear a son' is unofficially a well-recognized excuse for the husband to sleep with another woman. And if the 'woman' indeed gives him a son, she will be included in the family right away. One family of such I know of has a shop on the first floor, the 2nd wife living on the 2nd floor with her young son, and the 'big' wife and her children (now all grown and moved out)live on the 3rd floor.

It was a very unfair situation when many men (mainly the accomplished, rich ones) were practicing polygamy, yet the women were encouraged to stay 'single' the rest of their lives if their husband happened to die young.

The practice partially originated from the demand of having a son to carry the family name and continue the ancestor worship. Though there are ways to get around it such as asking the son-in-law (before the engagement or wedding) to agree to changing his family name - usually allowing their 2nd son (if none, than a daughter)to bear the father's orginal family name. One old man in our small community had told us that he loved his then girl friend so much he would have agreed to anything to marry her. "Carrying her last name was the least of my concern." He flew a fighter jet during World war II and later became a flight instructor in the ROC Air Force. All his children used his birth name as their middle name. (In Chinese tradition, there's always a 'remedy' (antidote) for everything as is described in the Kung-fu movies...

Before I was married to hubby, I would tell him about Chinese 'legends' such as the ones in which a deceased wife would come back from her grave if the husband was not faithful - he would be 'haunted'. Hubby simply laughed about it. Four life-threatening surgeries later, he found out it is not a laughing matter any more. There are so much stress, so much adjustment, and so many changes involved...

Maslow's hierarchy states (with good data and reasoning behind it) that a person's basic needs (as is described in the award-winning movie - 'Eat, Drink, Man, Woman'")have to be satisfied before he (she) could go on to reach the next level (and ultimately the highest level - 'self-realization'.) I think we all are very understanding about the situation, it's just hard to take it when it is 'happening' to 'us'.

[Chelee]

Maybe this is more of a sore subject for me personally because of how I was raised...and the example my Mother was. My Dad died of a massive heart attack at age 36. That left my Mother alone to raise 3 kids. (Her life was anything but easy.) Her first and only priority was to her kids. She never went out dating...or looking for someone new. Her only focus was taking care of her kids. She told me she didn't want strange men around her kids...she didn't believe in that.

That doesn't mean I agree with it. In fact as years went by I always wished she would of went out to met someone new. She should of, could of...but didn't. She said my Dad was the only one for her and she would never remarry. (and she didn't...and that makes me sad.) I think she missed out on so much...but she tells me she was happy with her choices. You must remember...she was old school. Things are so different now. My Mother was a stay at home Mom and she was always there for us kids...in fact too much. lol She got by on very little but I never wanted for anything...I thought I had it all. Her sisters & brothers all told her she should go out and meet someone as we kids got older. She just never did. As I was much older I'd see men hit on her in the grocery store and other places...but she just smiled and went on with our day. She loved my Father and when he passed away that seemed to be it for her. There is no doubt my Dad wouldn't of wanted my Mother to find someone new "in time". But she said she had 3 kids to protect and raise...and that she did. Kind of sad...but that goes back to maybe this is why this subject rubs me the wrong way. Her kids came first over everything. My Mother truly was one in a million....I was so blessed.

Chelee

[Audrey]

Interesting topic--I remember when I was going through cancer treatment and feeling very pessimistic about my future that I made my husband promise to wait "a year and a day" after my death before getting involved with another woman. I promised that in the event that he died first that I would do the same for him. I still think it is a good rule of thumb--there has to be an appropriate period of mourning before jumping into the next relationship, especially when young children are involved.