Waiting on Trial, got Brain Mets...

julierene · 11-09-2009, 08:35 AM

I want nothing more... I despise everything about him, and I am even more devastated that he will raise my children after I am gone. I hate that more than anything I could ever say I hate more than hate. I have always prided myself on not hating, and now I am being constantly covered in it no matter how I try to get away. My mind is my worst enemy, and I can't get my filthy evil ex-husband out of my beautiful mind. I feel like he successfully destroyed me and all the good thoughts I had left of the world. I have always been such a positive person, in the face of such tragedy with my family cancer history. In one night, and two seconds of him spewing his sperm between another woman's legs, he might as well have took a knife and ripped out my heart. All for a two second spew of sperm. I have never heard of anything more stupid in my whole entire life to destroy a faith in someone. I try to tell myself it could have been worse, but for some reason, I can't seem to believe it. I think about how he ruined my marriage, tore up our family, and then goes about his life like he's happy now. Purposefully trying to make my life miserable any time he can. I think his abuse goes far above something he should be put in jail for. And when I think about him rotting in jail, it just makes me smile. Some day, a day I will probably never see, I just want him to learn what a miserable person he is, how he doesn't deserve a new wife, and doesn't deserve my precious children that he cheated on.

MJo · 11-09-2009, 10:26 AM

RE: I have always prided myself on not hating

Those of us who would rather shoot first and forgive later welcome you. Does that make you a bad person? Only if you actually shoot him. That would make you a bad person. Please don't do that.

P.S. I just read your post to Joy. You do good work.

julierene · 11-09-2009, 10:33 AM

He already shot and emotionally killed me first with his adultery. I will never see revenge and that seems to really hurt me the most. He will likely live on way past me, taint my children to the Mormon religion, and ruin everything I have worked so hard for to instill goodness in them.

Sheila · 11-09-2009, 03:58 PM

Julierene
Say your energy for fighting this disease and staying alive for your children...you will never change him, and you are wasting time and energy even thinking about him....the best payback you can give him is to stay alive to raise your children....so focus on positive things for yourself, his ways will take care of him...if he cheated on you, he will cheat on her.....be the better person and live for your children! They will know the truth one day!

MJo · 11-10-2009, 11:37 AM

I agree with Sheila. I wish you didn't have the mets, but given that you do, your job is to destroy the cancer and stay alive for yourself and your children. Plus, it sounds like you are going to be a pioneer for the rest of us in this clinical trial you are fighting to join. I think you also give sensible and reassuring advice to others. I honor you.