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Flori, just wanted you to know that I hear you. Loud and clear, nodding head, sad for your hard times, and sending good thoughts.
Your kids don't care about goodies, they care about you and your presence. But you already know that, and I do understand, at least a little bit, what you're saying.
Insurance hassles - arrggg. It seems that more and more, knee-jerk denials are their first response to everything. Kudos to your onc for being ready to take over this worry for you.
Pain is so draining. Do you have meds that you can take to tide you over until you see the pain specialist? It sounds like you got amazing results from the epidural last time. May it be so, again.
"What good is time spent resting and waiting?"
Oh, great question. My kind of question. I don't know the answer, especially not for myself, but I do know that many people have found the answer, by learning to believe that what is important and essential about them is not what they do or what roles they fill in life. It's about who they are - their soul or spirit or essence - so many words to describe that deeper part of us that is not how many cookies we bake (or how clean we keep our house or how good we do our job), but how we connect with those that we bake the cookies for. It is that feeling (love, connection, trust?) that needs no words, and it is the important part of who we are.
The people that I know (and have known) who are able to pull this off do not have it perfect all the time. But when they do have it, it is beautiful. There is such peace and love - for them and for their loved ones.
I had to read Ram Dass's "Still Here" several times before I began to get even a glimpse of understanding about what he was saying about dependence. Being dependent is not exactly the same as not being able to do what we want - not exactly the same as "resting and waiting", but his discussion of dependence touches on the same issues. He wrote it after a debilitating stroke. I suggest it to everyone who rails against downtime, from any cause. Reading his words always helps me - I can feel my body relax, my breathing soften, and sometimes I find myself smiling for no reason.
Love,
Debbie Laxague
PS: I do not know how this is going to look. There were a bunch of color options when I explored my "new" (not exactly) username and I went wild with green, yellow and purple. But typing this now, I don't see that - so maybe nothing will happen.
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