I'm really scared, can't stop crying

[Sherryg683]

You are not alone. My prognosis from the start was not good, stage IV also. Yet, here I am 2 year later NED and praying to stay that way, fearing that the cancer is waiting for me to get comfortable so that it can rear it's ugly head again. Fear of death, yes, I know that feeling too. It paralizes me sometimes. I have had such panic attacks that I could not hardly breath. We are not all brave, we are human and no one wants to die. I don't let anyone see what I go through in private, it's a battle I feel that I pretty much fight alone. My faith in God does help, but even that is a big unknown. I cannot be certain what awaits behind that curtain and I'm not ready yet to find out. Having a young child just adds to my desperateness to stay alive for her. I don't know how we get through these rough times...we just do. We have no other choice. I remember those days when I was on chemo and the not knowing whether it was working or not like it was yesterday, I call it the "black hole". I honestly felt like I had been swallowed by it with no signs of light. I am watching my brother go through what will probably be his last days. There has been nothing that has worked for his melanoma. I want to tell him something that will make him feel better, but I can't think of anything. All I can say is that hopefully there's a better place for us to go when this life ends, there must be. I'm sorry I don't know how to make you feel any better, it's hell that you are going through right now. I do hope that you have a good response to your chemo and that it puts the cancer back in check. In the end, that's pretty much all that we have ..our hope and our faith...never ever let go of that. On the medical side of things, are you on any sort of anxiety medicine. I know it's not the answer you want but it did help me get through many days I thought I would not make it through. I still rely on ambien to sleep, I couldn't get a wink without it. Please know that the women on this board do know what you are going through, it's the one thing we have in common that we would rather not have. ...sherryg

[lilyecuadorian]

Havah ...I find this on a airplane magazine : " courage" sometimes is a little voice in the end of the day saying ...." I will try again tomorrow " and put it everything in the Lord hands ...that is my philosophy

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I remember thinking I was dying. That my extinction was imminent. That my breast cancer had metastasized and spread throughout my liver in too many places to count. Tumors everywhere. What I had was inoperable and incurable and I would be on longterm chemotherapy for the rest of my life. What could be worse? Nothing. I sobbed, wailed and wept, grieving over my demise, the end of me.

I had rallied from my original diagnosis, mastectomy and reconstructive surgery (which was far more major than I had anticipated). I'd come back to life after eight months of chemotherapy (which left me weak and weary, shuffling my feet and I slowly managed to walk, feeling like I had the worst flu ever, every single day, feeling woozy and about to pass out often, feeling whipped and wiped out, and losing thirty three pounds, having no appetite). How could I do it again? Fourth stage (out of four) with little chance of recovery. I was doomed.

Friends called and offered me names of top liver surgeons in Manhattan, trying to help as best they could. I called. The first receptionist told me that doctor only dealt with colon cancer into the liver. Okay, not for me. Wow! They have doctors with such specific specialties? I was aghast. The next receptionist told me -- YOU HAVE BREAST CANCER INTO THE LIVER. YOU DO NOT HAVE LIVER CANCER! YOU DON'T WANT LIVER CANCER. IT IS BETTER TO HAVE WHAT YOU HAVE. YOU HAVE BREAST CANCER. INTO THE LIVER.

Okay then. I was reminded that -- it can always be worse. I had thought I now had liver cancer. I wasn't informed enough to even understand my diagnosis. I quickly rectified that. And -- I began tossing the bad statistics aside and focusing on books that empowered me. I have a list if you're interested.

I began to dwell in possibilities anyway, consciously choosing to ignore the realities of my condition. I sensed that I could be defeated if I concentrated on what happened to most people. I wanted to be in the little group that survived. I had to start thinking outside the box.

In our darkest hours, we can choose to become bitter and defeated. Or, we also have the ability to choose to become more than we were yesterday. To dig deep within ourselves and come up with some radical new realities we weren't previously aware of. We can awaken to miraculous vistas. And sacred summonings. I am not a religious person, but I have become spiritually enlivened.

I began to use the power of my thoughts to call my desired destiny to me. I believed what I read repeatedly. The energy of our thoughts goes out from us on frequency waves of varying vibrations. Positive thinking travels on higher, faster vibes. While negativity emanating from us leaves us on lower, slower waves. AND THE UNIVERSE BOTH SENSES THE ENERGY WE EMIT -- AND RESPONDS -- IN KIND. So, we have the power to draw positive manifestations of our thoughts to us. OR, we can unwittingly magnetize negative realities to become our own. WE ARE EACH PERSONALLY EMPOWERED.

KNOWING that I had the power to free myself from being caught in an unpredictable abyss of misery was exquisitely electrifying! My crisis became transformed as did I. Life, for everyone, is a bout with persistent unknowns. I was not as unique as I thought in this regard. So, I explored the possibilities, choosing one road over the other, using my power of choice given to me as my birthright. I began to script my thoughts, arduous though that is. Not only did I realize I was informing the Universe of my clear Intentions and passionate Expectations, but commanding my body to respond as *I* directed.

Yes, staying alive requires constant attention for some of us, but it can be an exhilarating venture as we confront the riddles of Being, I "perpetually imagine sublimities beyond reason" as author Eric Wilson expresses it so well in Against Happiness. I AWAKENED TO THE IDEA THAT WHAT WE THINK DETERMINES HOW WE FEEL AND HOW WE FARE. And, that we have the capability to rewrite our tormenting thoughts, for our benefit. I chose not to be taunted and tortured by my fearsome, uncertain, fragile, insecure thoughts of gloom.

This is what I wish all of us to discover on our own. To personally empower each and every one of us! Sending healing, loving energy...
Andi