Is anyone ever afraid to make plans?

[Patricia]

Hi Kelly,

I definitely understand about the fear of plans. It is nice to have a conversation about it - sometimes I think everyone here has it all together much better than I do - so this conversation makes me feel more like the rest of you. When I was dx I had just started a new job. I was there for less than 1 mo and then went out on disability for surgeries and chemo for 6 mos. I felt so guilty, but what could I do. Then as I was planning on coming back, my group did a re-org and they asked me to help plan it. I felt ridiculous making all these plans feeling certain that I would not be there in a year so what was the point. I left that job after coming back from disability for 8 months. I decided that the stress that had been so normal for me (hyper growing start up software co) was completely overwhelming for the new (much slower) me. I found a job doing the same thing but in a very established, slower growing company that is 10 mins from my home. The change was terrifying because again I felt like a fraud, selling myself through interviews but feeling like I wasnt sure if I would be there very long before a recurrence. I had terrible chemo brain and I felt a fraction of my old professional self. Well, I made the change and it has been very good for me. I eventually settled in and felt more confident in my value to the new company, I deal with chemo brain (i just don't debate as much as I used to) and I truly let things just flow off me a lot more and now I have a much more sustainable work life. I also found a wonderful friend in a co-worker who is a 5 year survivor and has a husband who is a 10 year survivor of esophegeal cancer. We both feel lucky to have found each other and to be able to work together.

I really think the pshycological aspects of cancer are not talked about nearly enough and that most of the people around us really have no clue the challenges that we face. I have talked with my therapist about it that it feels like there is an alternate (but parallel) universe for those that have faced their mortality. Almost like we are in a tunnel that we can't get out of, you just keep moving forward through life in this tunnel. My HIV+ friends are the only ones that I have found without cancer that 'GET IT', if you know what I mean.

Best of luck with the job decision. Sounds like a nice opportunity to have come along unexpectedly. Kind of like the bulbs in spring - enjoy!

Hugs,
Patricia

ps. I was very supersticious about removing my port and finally got up the nerve to get it out last week while I was out for oopherectomy. I am now very happy that it is finally out and am glad I waited until I was emotionally ready to let it go.