Is anyone ever afraid to make plans?

[dberg]

Oh yes! I understand that feeling. I told my husband I was no longer contributing to my teacher retirement account until further notice! I was ready to spend my IRA for reconstruction too. Somehow, dear girl, you move on though. I am 3 years out from dx, hardly out of the woods, but feeling like I might be. I had a bone scan Friday and told my onc I really didn't WANT one because I didn't want to know if anything was there. Only people with bc would understand that. But today, I spent about 6 hours getting ready for my first grade classroom. You just have to move on and at some point you will feel like you can.

[Becky]

Dear Kelly

I am just a few weeks away from my third cancerversary. The only thing I am afraid to move on from is my employer. I moved in February, 2006 (18 months out from dx) because I NEVER liked the house I was in and swore I wasn't going to die there. It was exhausting to move (I was still on Herceptin having been one of the lucky ones who could receive it "late"). My husband and I went on an alone vacation - the only one we've had since having our daughters and it was planned and paid for 7 months in advance.

My problem with my job is many fold. I got a new assignment which isn't really what I want to do. I could leave but there are many things to consider. These include that I get a pension at this company (many companies (including this company) do not give pensions to new employees - they might match more 401K $ but no pension), I have been there and get short and/or long term disability if I should recur (a new company would give you this after you have worked there a year - what if I leave and recur quickly?), and lastly, I have great benefits in which I do not need referrals and they've denied me nothing so far (I wouldn't leave without benefits that didn't cover pre-existing conditions). But I would much rather be in sales (I was a sales mgr - rather just be a rep) and now I am in marketing (ughhhh).

So, we all have our fears of change - I will probably not leave as in 6 years, I can retire (they have this age and years of service thing) and I will still be young enough to do my own thing.

You need to weigh the job's benefits to the chance of recurrence but the other perks of the new job. You are younger than me (by 10 yrs) so you don't have 23 yrs at the company you are currently at. However, you have decades to live and earn a living (and to buy that bigger new house you need NOW). So, start small - get the house. You and your family need a bigger house and will need it regardless of your situation. And its fun to get and redo your way (new paint and wallpaper - maybe furniture too). The job could come later except for the fact that this job is available now. But it is one job and there might be dozens that are also perfect for you too.

I didn't want to wait on everything because I figured that if I did, I really would die in my old house - of old age, frustration and boredom. Lots of people thought I was nuts (probably some on this board as I reported my massive packing project) but it was one change that has made the world of difference to me. Next stop, job hopping maybe.

[CLTann]

Once you are diagnosed with bc, the dark cloud is over you regardless what stage you are classified. I think all of us have this concern of making major decisions. Deep in our head, we know we must take the possibility of recurrence as a factor in making sound judgment. In your case, you have a near dream job that means a great deal for your career and income. I would consider the health insurance as one of the major factors in accepting or rejecting the offer. If the new job will pay for pre-existing conditions in future treatment, I would think you should accept it. Also keep in mind that the most likely period of recurrence for HER2 patients is 12 to 18 month after dx. This is another factor to consider. Wish you best of luck.

[Angela]

My husband wants to take me on my dream vacation which is to go to New England in the fall. I have order information and looked up places to visit on the website but I can't bring myself to make any reservations. I am so afraid that I won't feel good and it will ruin our vacation. I am still on herceptin and some days are great and some days it is all I can do to get dressed and sit on the couch.

[sarah]

I'm not afraid of near plans - adopted a dog (my husband would love and look after her so that's the only long term commitment I've made), changed houses, built a garden and building a pound and plan to plant fruit trees but.....I bought a CD series to learn Italian and soon after was diagnosed with my recurance. since then I haven't been able to start it. I feel as though, if I start it, something again will happen. In the meantime all my friends and m husband considered me "cured"!!! and of course I've put on 15 lbs in chemo so I do look very healthy!!!!
I think we're all afraid to tempt fate. It's the old saying "If you want to make God laugh, make plans." but that said make short term ones and believe.
stay strong and of course you know you are not alone
sarah

[michka]

I am happy someone talked about this horrible feeling.
I feel the same. It is difficult to think of new plans. I have a very demanding job but it helped me survive chemo. I went in every time I could and it prevented me from going crazy. But is was so difficult!
Now, I would like to drop it and work less but who is going to hire a 50 year old women with a cancer? And anyway, I do not have the strength to go start something new. I need a job and I am stuck. I don't feel like seeing friends, going out, or even looking at television. It doesn't interest me. I feel destroyed. I am still suffering. In my body and in my head.
Maybe with time...
Micka

[KellyA]

I so appreciate everyone's responses and thoughts on this. It's funny, but I am still always so amazed at how deeply breast cancer affects one's life, even in situations that seem unrelated. I feel sometimes as if I have been robbed on the deepest level.

The job that I am thinking about would have no bearing on my insurance, or on pre-existing conditions, as we are very lucky to have a great policy with my hubby. It's funny because some of you mentioned "testing fate" and although I've never been a superstitious person, I find that I feel that way often. I worry that if I stop doing this, or don't do that, that "it" may come back. I worry that if I change this or do that, "it" may come back. Last year when things were going very well for us, prior to being dx'd, we broke down and splurged, and bought a nice car- 2 weeks later I got dx'd and was just sick about doing that. I walk around on a daily basis feeling like a ticking time bomb and to make things worse, feel like many people are looking at me the same way. It's so overwhelming at times that I just want to take the easy way out and sit home and wait it out. Sometimes I wish for the two or three year time frame to go by very quickly, so that I can feel a little more comfortable (never safe, of course). Then I remind myself that any time I have now my be my only time and not to wish it away.....

I was always a very structured, controlled person. Actually a would even say a go-getter (except for laundry and household chores :-) ), and now I don't even know who I am. I feel lazy, unambitious, and weak. For someone who has always had control issues ( I grew up and lived with an eating disorder for 20 years), I am the WORST person to handle something like this. It has definitely been a rediscovery of who I am and I've had to take a long look at myself, that's for sure. Some days I am so pissed off that I feel like I could take the world by storm. Other days I just want to crawl in a dark corner and hide. Some days I am so happy for what I have and so grateful to be alive, that's all that matters.

One things that I always know and that NEVER changes, is how grateful I am to have found this site and found all of you. Thank you.

Love, Kelly