Venting and hopefully someone understands or feels my pain.

[linn65]

I am taking venlafaxine (Effexor), but I am on a dosage of 37.5 MG a day, and I wonder if my dosage should be upped???

My Hot flashes have been much better until after I have the herceptin treatment then I have 10 a day I think but without the Venlafaxine maybe it might be even worse I don't know. In addition, my moods are all over the place, so I am hoping I get more bang for my buck with the Venlafaxine....Meaning mood stabilizer and hot flash stablizer.

After going through TCH, Radiation, and needless doctor's appt it seems now to just say; What are you doing for fun?? It Is such a waste of my time going to see the ONC and Breast Surgeon every 3 months for a meet and greet now makes me angry!! I want to have a positive attitude and my self talk tells me look you have made it through all the rough stuff so now be thankful that you have to only go every 3 weeks until December for Herceptin.

I tell myself all of this but it does not make me feel better!!

My hair is maybe a 1/2 inch long again I should be thankful. I make myself go and do things and am working on fake it until you make it kind of thing.....Like if you go and do then somehow pie in the sky will happen and a positive, thankful, and appreciation for making it this far will kick in, but I am still not feeling it.

I want to feel positive, thankful, appreciative, and appreciate all the small things in life that I did not before.

I am starting to think like the movie, "One Bird Flew Over the Coo Coo's Nest". Maybe, I just need a labotomy on my brain.....

And OMG if I take my wig off and get told; You really have a nice shaped head, and I would not tell you that if it wasn't the truth....I HATE HAVING HAIR THAT LOOKS LIKE I SHOULD BE IN THE MILITARY I miss my long hair and yes I know my hair will grow back, and I haven't even started talking about only having 1 breast!!! I know people do not know what to say, people are trying to be kind, people are trying to be encouraging. I get it!!

I just feel angry, sad, frustrated and YES I KNOW I NEED TO HAVE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE! I don't want to 1/2 inch hair, 1 breast, depression, alone and gawd knows I do not want to cry once a week....I envy others going through this that seem to be positive and do all the things I should be doing or need to do!! Then of course I spiral out of control at times thinking geez I cannot even do this cancer right.....What really is funny is when people tell me I am an inspiration, I have such a good attitude, and am doing so well. When in my mind I am thinking if you could read my thoughts right now uhm I am not this person you are speaking of, and I feel like a little bit of fake!!

An analogy or like a movie; Sometimes I feel like I am standing in this world at a stand still, looking around, and I am not moving just standing and looking around at people and life and not living mine, and I don't know how to live it or what to do to change it. If you talk about it to anyone everyone has the answers on what you should do and know exactly how to fix it, and I think again all well meaning, but they are not living this life. It is soooo much easier than done!!! I can't even take a vacation or should I say use my vacation time to do something fun because my time I have goes to doctors appts, tests and treatments (again, I know I should be thankful I have a job, insurance and vacation time I can use for going to all these things and there are children in Africa starving). Then I think to myself man I wish I could be living a life, have a family, and not feel so incredibly alone in all of this cancer garbage. I never appreciated what I had in life until cancer turned it upside down....The Cliche' Hine sight is 20/20 is soooo true!!!

Knowing I need to get out of this funk, knowing I need to be positive, knowing I need to enjoy each day I KNOW.....My intelllect KNOWS, but my spirit and emotions do not follow along with what I KNOW!!

There is my major complaining, venting and all the things I am not doing right!!! I had to write it all down so thanks for reading or listening everyone.