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Senior Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 1,427
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Thoughts on Emotional Effects
I learned last Friday that I definitely have lung mets. Lung involvement was suspected ever since my diagnosis in 2011, but I only recently developed a big enough lesion to biopsy. It was a shock (though perhaps it shouldn't have been).
The news hit me hard. Now that I've had a few days to process it, I'm feeling much more like my old self, and I've hit on some insights into what was going on with me.
I think my reaction was out of proportion to the magnitude of the threat, and I think I know why. First the "out of proportion" argument: I already know I have metastatic breast cancer. I've had almost two years to come to terms with that. I thought I had done so. This news isn't really news, exactly. It's just confirming what is, and has been. And, objectively, it isn't especially bad news. I feel fine. I have no symptoms. I have no biological indicators of cancer's effects on my body, other than the newfangled technology that shows us pictures of our innards and lets us wonder about what they mean. Yes, I have stage 4 cancer, but I am, in no sense, anywhere near the end. It's just a little bit of progression.
Cancer itself has had no physical effect on me so far. I have no symptoms, no tumor markers, no organs that aren't behaving properly. Treatment has had some negative effects, but not many. That has made it easy for me to push it to the back of my mind and (mostly) live as if I don't have cancer. So there is probably a little denial at work here.
Having my denial punctured is probably one reason I took this so hard. But there's also emotional baggage from my past.
Because of past trauma, I sometimes experience depression, anxiety, and symptoms of PTSD. Fortunately, I have experienced significant emotional healing. Emotionally, I am healthier now than ever, but having life stretch out its foot unexpectedly to trip me like this opens up old wounds. For awhile, I get sucked back down into the vortex.
PTSD is a wound to the limbic brain. That part of the brain is completely nonverbal. Reactions occur instantly, before the neocortex has a chance to process them. The "reptile brain" insures our survival by instantly putting us into "flight or fight" mode. First there's a surge of fear and anxiety--a response to an intuitively-perceived threat. Then then we use the newer part of our brain to tell ourselves stories about what happened and how we feel about it. That is the link between feelings and thoughts, and it's the key to interrupting the continuous emotional cycling that is characteristic of PTSD (and depression).
For me, climbing back up out of the vortex involves three things. One is recognizing that I've been hijacked by my emotions, and making sure I reframe the story I'm telling myself. The second is to share my story and my feelings with others. We grieve in community, and we heal in community. The third thing is to be patient with myself and cut myself some slack. It takes time. Thinking by itself is insufficient to heal an emotional trauma. (As far as I know, it also doesn't speed up physical healing by itself.)
Thank you all for being one of the most important healing communities in my life.
Peace.
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Amy
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4/19/11 Diagnosed invasive ductal carcinoma in left breast; 2.3 cm tumor, 1 axillary lymph node, weakly ER+, HER2+++
4/29/11 CT scan shows suspicious lesions on liver and lungs
5/17/11 liver biopsy
5/24/11 liver met confirmed--Stage IV at diagnosis
5/27/11 Begin weekly Taxol & Herceptin for 3 months (standard of care at the time of my DX)
7/18/11 Switch to weekly Abraxane & Herceptin due to Taxol allergy
8/29/11 CT scan shows no new lesions & old lesions shrinking
9/27/11 Finish Abraxane. Start Herceptin every 3 weeks. Begin taking Arimidex
10/17/11--Brain MRI--No Brain mets
12/5/11 PET scan--Almost NED
5/15/12 PET scan shows progression-breast/chest/spine (one vertebra)
5/22/12 Stop taking Arimidex; stay on Herceptin
6/11/12 Started Tykerb and Herceptin on clinical trial (w/no chemo)
9/24/12 CT scan--No new mets. Everything stable.
3/11/13 CT Scan--two small new possible mets and odd looking area in left lung getting larger.
4/2/13--Biopsy of suspicious area in lower left lung. Mets to lung confirmed.
4/30/13 Begin Kadcyla/TDM-1
8/16/13 PET scan "mixed," with some areas of increased uptake, but also some definite improvement, so I'll stay on TDM-1/Kadcyla.
11/11/13 Finally get hormone receptor results from lung biopsy of 4/2/13. My cancer is no longer ER positive.
11/13/13 PET scan mixed results again. We're calling it "stable." Problems breathing on exertion.
2/18/14 PET scan shows a new lesion and newly active lymph node in chest, other progression. Bye bye TDM-1.
2/28/14 Begin Herceptin/Perjeta every 3 weeks.
6/8/14 PET "mixed," with no new lesions, and everything but lower lungs improving. My breathing is better.
8/18/14 PET "mixed" again. Upper lungs & one spine met stable, lower lungs less FDG avid, original tumor more avid, one lymph node in mediastinum more avid.
9/1/14 Begin taking Xeloda one week on, one week off. Will also stay on Herceptin and Perjeta every three weeks.
12/11/14 PET Scan--no new lesions, and everything looks better than it did.
3/20/15 PET Scan--no new lesions, but lower lung lesions larger and a bit more avid.
4/13/15 Increasing Xeloda dose to 10 days on, one week off.
7/1/15 Scan "mixed" again, but suggests continuing progression. Stop Xeloda. Substitute Abraxane every 3 weeks starting 7/13.
10/28/15 PET scan shows dramatic improvement everywhere. All lesions except lower lungs have resolved; lower lungs noticeably improved.
12/18/15 Last Abraxane. Continue on Herceptin and Perjeta alone beginning 1/8/16.
1/27/16 PET scan shows cancer is stable.
5/11/16 PET scan shows uptake in some areas that were resolved on the last two scans.
6/3/16 Begin Kadcyla and Tykerb combination
6/5 - 6/23 Horrible diarrhea from K&T together. Got pneumonia.
7/15/16 Begin Kadcyla only every 3 weeks.
9/6/16 Begin radiation therapy on right lung lesion that caused the pneumonia.
10/3/16 Last of 12 radiation treatments to right lung.
11/4/16 Huffing and puffing, low O2, high heart rate, on tiniest bit of exertion. Diagnosed as radiation pneumonitis. Treated with Prednisone.
11/11/16 PET scan shows significant improvement to radiated part of right lung BUT a bunch of new lung lesions, and the bone met is getting worse.
11/22/16 Begin Eribulin and Herceptin. H every 3 weeks. E two weeks on, one week off.
3/6/17 Scan shows progression in lungs. Bone met a little better.
3/23/17 Lung biopsy. Tumor sampled is ER-, PR+ (5%), HER2+++. Getting Herceptin and Perjeta as a maintenance treatment.
5/31/17 Port placement
6/1/17 Start Navelbine & Tykerb
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