I need mental help!!

[tammymarie1971]

Dearest ladies, I am really struggling with anxiety..it just pops up out of the blue...I was taking 10mg dex and have reduced it to 6..I don't know if the steroids were making me anxious or if it is the reduction that has triggered it, also I am taking lactulose for ammonia in the brain..apparently this happens from the liver, also I guess I went from a couple of weeks ago totally yellow and being told to say my good byes to my family and now I am cooking and cleaning Christmas shopping, wrapping etc...I guess a rollercoaster is what it is...Also I am on dilaudid for pain which I don't have much to speak of but this palliative doctor loaded me up with all kinds of pills before I left the hospital. I have hydromorphone which I am supposed to take every 12 hrs(long acting) and then dilaudid every 4 hrs for breakthrough and then ziplocone (or something) for sleeping which I never took before I went into the hospital and then I have ativan which I hate to take because I got addicted about 5 yrs ago and ended up on the psych ward for a week to get off it...So I guess what I am asking is what is with all these pills and are they contributing to my anxiety. With all these pills at my disposal I feel like I could just NUMB myself, but I know that it will bite me in the rear later..
I also can only sleep like an hour at a time and wander the house in the wee hours and that can't be helping my mental state....

I also get my 3rd tdm1 on the 3rd...which is the doctors actively treating me with some hope right? This crazy mind of mine...but they said there was no more they could do for the liver and I am alot less yellow, I have energy enough to take care of 4 kids and the house and I can't get my mind around everyone getting things ready for hospice just a few weeks ago...Maybe I am going crazy from toxins floating around my system..They could only put a stent in the main duct of the liver..apparently every other duct or whatever was squeezed shut??? Shrivled liver? I am drinking hot lemon water to try and neutralize toxins???

I am so sorry for this crazy rambling on and on with it being Christmas eve and all, but I knew you ladies if anyone would understand!!!! My husband tries...but then I get irritated with him(steriods??) and feel like I am burdening his already heavy shoulders...

So maybe it is the toxins causing anxiety...It feels terrible...like I want to do ANYTHING to make it stop!!! bang head against wall...numb out with pills or something...
Anyway...mostly I just wanted to vent I guess....
My liver enzymes were really bad at last blood test (2 weeks ago) all of them and my tumor markers went from 275 to 399 this after 1 tdm1...hopefully cell death!!
Anyone else have experience with the ammonia thing...I don't know if it is something you recover from or not..I'm not allowed to drive because of it too.
I sound like such a mess, but I actually feel better getting this all out in writing...so even if you have no advice...thanks so much for letting me vent.... I can't believe the fondness and love I feel for you ladies and the struggles some of you have I just think Wow if they can do it.... I am so grateful that you guys are out there. Thank you.