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Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 473
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Dating when Stage IV
I've been thinking for a while whether I should put a dilemma I have to this wise group on the HER 2 forum. I'm hoping no one is offended and sees it as trivial, and if so, please excuse me.
Shortly before I was diagnosed with Stage IV mets (about 4.5 years ago), I had ended a fairly long relationship. Of course, I had lots on my plate at this time, so dating wasn't high on the agenda. Thankfully my disease stabilised, so I dipped my toe back in the dating game about 2 years ago, but 'chickened' out after about a month when I was getting to the stage of trying to describe my situation, yet, keep it light (not too many details, and definitely no mention of Stage IV and what that means!). Part of me would have liked not to have broached the subject early in the dating life cycle, but having quite an obvious port, it was hard not to provide some kind of explanation, not to mention the scar and deep divot on my left breast from my lumpectomy (at some point I was hoping that my date might see below my neck!) So with advice from friends, I decided that it was probably best to make mention of 'it' after about the second date if I thought there might be potential with the guy. But I found the fear of rejection because of cancer too confronting, so I shut up shop, until now that is. A year ago, I had a further recurrence, and lost my hair (again!), and set myself the goal that once my hair grew back (on my head - wouldn't have minded the legs staying hair free), I would dip my toe in again. So today, I updated my online dating profile, added some lovely pics with my new short hair, but haven't activated it yet. I was hoping for some input, particularly from women who are stage IV, on how to 'prepare' someone who probably hasn't much idea about cancer, except for the very sad Hollywood version.
I know I'm a survivor, and despite my liver mets last year, actually feel more optimistic than I did after the original Stage IV diagnosis, so the fear of rejection is not as strong (cue Gloria Gaynor "I Will Survive").
I have wonderful friends and family, and am quite independent and happy in my own space, however, I do miss the intimacy of a special relationship, both mentally and physically.
I feel very well, and am quite healthy and fit, in fact much 'weller' than many other people I work with and know, so on the surface I look pretty normal (whatever that is really!)
So really I was hoping for thoughts on when and how to make mention of my cancer status to someone I might date. Sorry for the long winded post.
Cheers Marie
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dx Dec 2000 dcis 2.5cm clear sentinel node, ER/PR- Her-2+
lumpectomy, 6 cycles AC, 6 weeks rads
October 2007 three x 2.5cm lung mets. 8 months Taxol, started Herceptin and continue. Significant reduction in lung mets.
June 2011 3cm x 4cm liver tumour. Started Abraxane and continue with Herceptin.
November 2011. Finished with Abraxane, continue with just Herceptin. Liver tumour now reduced to 15mm x 12mm. Lung tumour now 10mm x 0.5mm
February 2012. Scans show everything stable, and brain scan clear.
July 2012. PET/CT scans show I'm in remission - no active cancer!
]Dec CT brain cllear, lungs stable, liver tumour has increased to 20mm. PET scans showed active liver met and active lung thinglet, and possible bone met.
Jan 2013 recommence Abraxane, continue with Herceptin.
June 2013 finish Cycle 6 Abraxane, continue with Herceptin. 30% reduction in liver tumour, everything stable.
December 2013. CA15-3 on rise.
February 2014. PET and CT scans show single liver tumour has increased to 35mm. No other activity.
March 2014. Planned for SBRT for liver met, but couldn't have treatment as tumour too close to bowel. Continue Herceptin.
April 2014. Surgeon advises that I am a good candidate for liver resection, so will have operation early May (after camping holiday). Tumour now 44mm x 29mm.
May 7, 2014. Two liver tumours surgically removed. Third of liver removed, and gall bladder. Am I NED?May 2014. Pathology of tumour shows it's now ER+ (95% staining).
June 2014. CA15-3 has decreased to 18 from a pre-surgery reading of 59!
June 2014. Started Femara, continue with Herceptin.
July 2014. Stop Femara due to severe Osteoporosis. Commence Tamoxifen, continue Herceptin. Waiting to hear if I can have Aclasta infusion.
August 2014. CA15-3 has decreased further to 12 - YAY!
October 2014. Aclasta infusion for Osteoporosis. November 2014, CA15-3 decreased to 11. Scans of liver all clear, something new showing up on lung, but just watching at the moment.
November 2015. Started SBRT on solitary lung met.
November 2015. Bone density scan showed very good improvement so back on Femara - yay!
December 2016. 6 treatments of SBRT radiation on lung. Seems to have had some effect.
June 2016. CA15-3 still stable and low at 9.
June 2016. Started subcutaneous Herceptin replacing infusion.
Jan 2017. LVEF dropped to 46%. Stopped Herceptin.
Feb 2017. Started ACE Inhibitor and BETA Blocker. Still off Herceptin.
Aug 2017. Two new mets - Portacaval lymph node and mediastinal lymph node.
Aug 2017. Blood tests show extremely elevated liver enzyme levels. Many tests to investigate.
Sept 2017. Portacaval lymph node blocking liver bile duct causing liver enzyme and Bilirubin problems.
Oct 2017. 8cm stent inserted into liver bile duct. Procedure caused pancreatitis, and hospitalised for 3 days. Liver enzymes improving rapidly.
Nov 2017. Commenced 4 weeks of radiation on Portacaval lymph node. 5 week break before chemo.
Jan 2018. CT scan. 11 new small liver mets, and new superclavical lymph node med.
Jan 2018. Start Kadcyla. CA15-3 426.
Apr 2018. First scans since starting Kadcyla. All tumours reducing. CA15-3 dropped to 30 from 426.
Dec 2019. Still on Kadcyla, but two small brain mets have been treated in the past month with SRS. CA15-3 stable for 12 months at 11.
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