Decided to post...because I know you will understand...

[mmoons]

Hi all-

I am unexpectedly becoming very emotional and weepy (in a packed train station in Toronto heading home from a business trip) as I type this. I have debated posting. But why not? I know all of you will understand like no one else can.

As you can see from my signature, I am done with all my treatments. What a wonderful thing. I am so grateful...every day! I have been determined not to let cancer rule my thoughts. I am following my exercise efforts. I am on a strict diet of more veggies and less alcohol. I let the little things go. I am getting on with my life. I have also done my best to not let the aches and pains of my healing body worry me. But now...

I'm scared.

There...I said it. Very difficult for me to admit. My fear comes from some pain I have had for ever a month. I have a back ache that is probably nothing more than that: a sore back. It started over a month ago in my lower back. The last couple days the pain is farther up my spine but still very sore around my lower back. Not down my legs, like a sciatica pain. More like a constant, steady ache in my lower, and now middle, back.

Add to all of this that I lost a dear friend this week to this wicked disease. Leah was as special as they come! This video gives you a tiny peek into her spirit. She held my hand and taught me so much. She was my friend first then became a cancer buddy at the "Baylor Spa". I'm so sad.

http://cbs11tv.com/video?id=56287@ktvt.dayport.com


I have scans on Monday. They are regularly scheduled. I have not called my onc about these aches because I knew I was due for scans.

By the way, I wanted my port taken out back in May. My oncologist, who I love, asked me to wait until these August scans. She felt confident they would be fine but is just goosey enough about Murphy's Law that she wants to wait to see scan results. Leave it to me to overanalyze that too.

I'm sorry I am all over the place with this post. But I already feel better. I guess this is just a part of it, right? This fear is a part of my new, boobless normal.

Thank you for being here for me.

Love you all,
Maureen