concerns and questions

[Joy]

Hi everyone and Happy Birthday to all the people here having them-there are so many. What a good thing, huh?

I am posting because I'm a little messed up over some stuff. I have a scan tomorrow, the first since starting gemzar/carbo/herceptin. I will see the doc on Monday. So any happy thoughts about this treatment and CT results are greatly appreciated.

In addition to inscanity I have some relationship concerns. As you know I have met the love of my life, for which I am so grateful. He is a worrier like me. He is just starting to express his concerns over us and this disease. I am glad that he is. It is taking a toll on him; in addition to everything else he is trying to handle e.g. primary care of kids, crazy, litigious ex, the economy, finances both personally and for his company. It is a lot.

We have recently broached the topic of cohabitation. This is complicated as he owns a home and I "rent" one from my family. We also have 4 kids between us. Shacking up isn't as easy as it used to be in the 'old days'. I know he is at a crossroads with his mortgage and says that if it is just he and his kids he would sell and move. We talked about finding a new place for all of us. We have also talked about modifying his house to accommodate all of us. All of this is exciting and scary and fun and entails hard work.

Since last night he has expressed a lot of stress over the uncertainty in his life and I am one of those factors. It is scaring him and yet he says he loves me more than anyone before. I feel the same way. So much so that I want the very best for him. I would be willing to walk away if it made him happier. It would suck, but I can't live happily knowing that I am freaking someone out to the point of greater stress. He doesn't want that. But I can't help but wonder if it wouldn't be better for him. He is really down and acting a smidge distant. We want a future together and I want a future period (like all of us). I love him so much and he expressed my feelings exactly whan he said that he feels like he is getting closer to me and letting go at the same time. It is a very odd dynamic in a relationship, but for people like us it makes sense.

I guess my questions are does one just continue to get closer and to hell with the letting go part? Is it healthy to do both? Am I complicating his life? Have I done the wrong thing by getting involved? He says he is not being dragged through this as I often put it, but that he has made choices. I think that some of this is his first time of going through inscanity. Which as we all know is really, really hard. It is hard for me still, but I have had A LOT of practice.

I don't know what to think or what to do and I would love any advice from both men and women. I have read through the "caregivers" section of the site and have shared some things with him. I think he wants support from other guys in the same situation and I am not sure how to direct him. He has been on the "Men Against BC" site and that is about it.

And of course I have my own fears about treatment(s). I am always looking at what to do next. Go back to taxane combinations? Trials for targeted txs and hormonals, vaccines, combining approved targeted txs, SIR spheres (for which I may not qualify as there is a little cirrhosis from past cancer), novalis ( a fantasy thought).

On my weeks off I feel great and friends say they would never know this is all going on by looking. I would like to think that I am healthy in all respects and that I have a long time before it all hits the fan. And that there are many options. Options that may actually work for a long time. But as the number of past treatment grows I wonder realistically if that is all possible.

I know that is a lot to throw at you all. I also know that this is the best, best place to "throw it".

In addition to all of this I have concerns over my dad's health and my mom's well-being. I also would love to move away from my financial dependance on my family, but just don't know what to do with working, kids and treatment. I would also appreciate any creativity on that from those of you who have had to deal with younger children, working, treatment, etc.

Okay, before I ramble any more I will sign off. Suffice it to say that I NEED YOU and I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!